Tag Archives: Status

The Real Housewives of the Gym

24 Sep

Women are such interesting animals…Yes, animals. You have to wonder how men have co-existed and kept up with these crazed mental patients for so long. I mean if you really think about it, can you really blame them for suppressing the female population for as long as they did? Poor guys just couldn’t keep up…

But there is a particular group of woman who have brought a whole new definition to Mind-games. I’m no historian, but I believe the 50’s and 60’s social structure provided a prime environment for these women to evolve into mind-fucking masters, I’m talking about housewives. Dangerous, Devious and Dainty all in the same sentence.

housewife_happy

Now before all you housewives reading get your panties in a bunch and start throwing Dr. Oz’s latest recipe in my face, let’s at least admit you look forward to other activities that don’t involve cooking, cleaning or children…activities like the gym. I’m not saying it’s pathetic…I know for working women, the highlight of our week is casual Fridays so were not that far off. But when I joined a new gym this year and saw first hand how housewives interact with one another, my perspective on this group of women has really changed.

I’m not a fan of the gym and if it wasn’t for the multiple self-loathing sessions about the jiggly packs on my ass, I’d never set foot in that fat-burning hell hole. Eventually, reality sets in; you can’t eat like a 700lb man trying to maintain a 140lb stature without a little work-out here and there. Thus, I take group fitness classes (hell ya!) with a bunch of 40-50 year old housewives and have developed a whole new set of middle-aged girlfriends! This is exciting, because I believe middle-aged friends are better than 20 something-year-old friends, I just learn a lot more from them.

They teach me all about menopause, divorce and why 40 truly is the NEW 20. I even found out the reason why our trainer doesn’t incorporate any jumping exercises into our workouts. It’s because the older women almost always pee their pants. Apparently, after having a couple of children, jumping up and down makes you wet yourself.

A Great Motto To Live By

A Great Motto To Live By

These home warriors are a force to be reckoned with; once you piss them off, its war. Housewives have the time for a good, long battle so you can’t underestimate their power to fuck with your head.

Let’s digress…

Housewives have silent conflicts. They don’t exchange confrontational words or physical beatings, but instead use passive aggressive tactics to ruin your life. Sometimes, you don’t know your in a conflict until one day you walk into workout class and no body will talk to you, then you know the damage has been done.
Recently, I have gotten tangled up in this mess and it’s actually quite amusing! But before I dive in, let me first introduce you to my middle-aged workout friends…

Plasty

Plasty is purely plastic. Her boobs, her lips, her ass are all fake. She dyes her hair blonde and wears make-up to work out. PLASTY never sweats. According to her, ladies don’t sweat because ladies don’t need to work that hard, that’s what men are for. For a woman who doesn’t sweat, Plasty is as thin as a match-stick probably because she just eats steam and injects plastic into her veins to keep from absorbing any fat.

Plasty also gets really mad when she is behind me in circuit-station workouts (moving from one exercise to another). I sweat a lot and she gets annoyed that my sweat is sometimes left behind on a yoga mat or weight bench. She has never said this, remember silence is key here, but her eye rolls and disgusted sighs tip me off to her sweat displeasure. I, in return, leave as much of my sweat behind as possible.

Mama

Mama goes to the gym because she is trying to loose her “baby-weight”. Her youngest child was born 7 years ago. Mama also rocks a mean-camel toe…I’m talking her spandex is screaming for help because it’s at the point of no return. Mama of course drives a half SUV/half mini-van (with turbo) completed with the animated avatars of her family members on the back windshield.

Queefy

Queefy’s name might give away her claim to fame. Queefy always Queefs (vagina farts) in workout class. Usually it happens during our ab and core exercises. When it happens, she always giggles and tries to play it off, “My silly shoe keeps making that silly noise!

I like Queefy, but someone needs to tell her the truth. We know you just Queefed, Queefy and hey, its happens. but seriously, it’s awkward. I think you need to get some sort of plug…I’m sure a tampon would do the trick.

And finally, this brings us to the last gym lady-My enemy…

She might as well look like this

She might as well look like this

Competitive Connie

Competitive Connie is my enemy and I am hers…but we haven’t verbally established this, again silence is key here.

Competitive Connie is the one woman who needs to compete for everything and anything.

Have a great joke to tell? Competitive Connie has a better one. Just upped your weight in bench pressing? Competitive Connie’s been doing that for months.Met a celebrity and got something on sale? Competitive Connie met three and got it cheaper. YOUR story is NEVER as GREAT as Competitive Connie’s…

Hence, why no one likes Competitive Connie…

I don’t like her because she goes out of her way to make everyone look stupid.

The other ladies don’t like her because she hired a cleaning lady 4x a week (apparently, this is a no-no in the world of housewives).

Maid Gives Thumbs Up for Cleanliness

Long story short, one day, the ladies got so tired of it, that they nominated me to try and OUT-DO Competitive Connie.

For days during my drive to and from work I planned my strategy. Since I couldn’t defeat her physically, I would do it with a story she couldn’t outshine. A story so powerful, there was nothing she could say to Top-it.

When the day had arrived, I took a deep breath as I sat on to my mat and lifted my medicine ball, preparing for abs. I gave a nod to Plasty, Queefy and Mama letting them know it was time. They excitedly looked at one another; This was the day their nightly phone conversations had waited for, the day That Girl Ryan would defeat Competitive Connie and give hope to all the housewives of the world (Well, in a 15 mile radius at least).

I licked my lips and began my story….

ME: “So Connie, I was excited to tell you that I just found out I’m related to Miley Cyrus. She is a cousin of mine through a distant relative who just happened to also invent the vacuum, you know the vacuum that whirls in a circle and pivots behind couches? I believe you told us you have one of those no? Anyway, when I found this out, I decided to vacuum my living room. When I emptied the vacuum bag, I discovered $50! That same day after the dishes, laundry and lunches were completed, I went to DSW and bought these $50 heels that were marked down from $150”.

By the time I finished my verbal strike, I was out of breath. There was no way she was going to out-shine THAT story. Competitive Connie stopped her exercise and turned directly in my direction; she understood that I had just declared war.

The ladies and I waited in silence holding our breath, Queefy holding hers a little more, I’m sure, because we were doing crunches.

Would Competitive Connie collapse from defeat? Or would she take the bait?

That fucker took the bait.

Well, that was quite a day for you, That Girl Ryan and such an interesting story! (SMILE) It actually reminds me of the time I went to my uncle’s house, who is also Babe Ruth’s son. He invented the broom! The broom came BEFORE the vacuum, if I have my facts in order. Speaking of the vacuum you referenced, I just threw it out..pity. It actually is a crappy, horrible vacuum and i wouldn’t recommend it to MY WORST enemy. (SMILE). You should probably focus a little more on completing your abs, your only at 55 and I am already on 75 and almost done.

As she trailed off on her bullshit, I sat in total disbelief that I had lost to a housewife. I crafted that story over a 3 day period just to make sure I could out-do her and she thought of that shit in 30 seconds.

This is accurate

This is accurate

Not only that, but I had let my gym ladies down. Now their day would continue to be boring, surely they were looking forward to their phone-gossip schedules that would have lasted well into the evening before their husbands returned home from work.

The next few days, Competitive Connie really ramped up her plan for total destruction. When I would lift a weight, she would get a bigger weight and lift it longer. When I would jog instead of walk to my next circuit station, she would sprint. I even ran into her at the grocery store a few nights ago. She smiled (obviously fake) and I smiled back (even more fake). We chatted about the weather and wished each other a nice evening but in my mind, I knew there was a different meaning…

The weather seems quite odd latelyTranslation: You are really going to try and out-do me?

This sunshine won’t last long, its about time the temperature starts to lowerTranslation: You may be the under-dog that Queefy, Mama and Plasty are rooting for, but you will never defeat me.

Have a good night, I will see you bright and early!Translation: Bring your game, bitch.

I have never had an invisible housewife conflict so I am a bit lost when it comes to these things. But sooner or later, I’m going to set the gym ladies FREE, away from the reign of Competitive Connie.

But until that time, the drama continues….

housework

A Letter To The Mayans

12 Jul

2012_prediction

Dear Mayans,

I am a bit upset with you…regarding your theories about 12/21/2012…you remember…the end of the Mayan Calendar?

Yea, so about that….I just want you to know that I was fully prepared for the worst and got nothing.

Buckets of water were stocked in my basement, a zombie machete was purchased in case of an outbreak AND all my family members, including my dogs, had hazmat suits.

I took your theory so seriously that at work, I was deemed, “The Apocalypse Girl”. Every day my co-workers would gather around my desk to hear all about the 2012 predictions. And now, because you lied…they just all think I’m out of my mind. Great career reputation to have…

I even argued with all the non-believers out there…standing up on street corners preaching about the end of days…yelling at random pedestrians in the streets…holding up signs in the subway…shit got serious.

Well now all that was for nothing…because it’s July and the earth is still turning. There were no zombies, aliens or nuclear warfare. All this Mayan prediction had to show for itself was a bunch of bad “End of the World” movies and news about trashy celebrities who shouldn’t be having babies.

This is the real world tragedy

This is the real world tragedy

Shame on You Mayans…shame. on. you. Now you look like a clan of loonies, making all those sacrifices and building years worth of pointless stone structures.

Idiots.

How does it feel to know that your only claim to fame will be slutty versions of your Mayan outfits on Halloween this year?!

I was looking forward to having a post-apocalyptic life. There were just so many pluses to living in a non-civilized world, so many possibilities.

Like…..

burningbra

No BRAS!

Never Having To Wear A Bra Again-Like Ever

I hate bras, I hate wearing them. I started to give all my bras away or burn them when my husband was sleeping knowing I wouldn’t need them after the Apocalypse. My ta-tas even grew a size bigger out of pure excitement of knowing they would never be caged again.

A New Life Of UN-Employment

Who doesn’t want to be a professional Hunter and Gatherer for the rest of their life? I sure do!

In preparation, I had already drafted my “out of office” email at work.

“I will be the out of the office due to the Mayan 2012 prediction and will not be returning to work anytime soon.

If you need immediate assistance…you’re shit out of luck.”

Best,

That Girl Ryan

Hygiene Wouldn’t Be Necessary

Can’t tell you how much enthusiasm I had knowing that bathing was soon to be “optional”. Look, I’m lazy and trying to keep up with beauty tactics can be exhausting. Remember how much you hated painting your face before those ridiculous Mayan rituals? Well, imagine doing that every day AND plucking all the hair from your body…who said grooming was a luxury?

Sure they look dirty...but just imagine the smell of their breath?!

Sure they look dirty…but just imagine the smell of their breath?!

Money

The entire world would be poor together. No more cash, no more credit and best of all, NO MORE TAXES! I had actually planned on calling up Mitt Romney just so I could ask him how it felt to be part of the 47%?

Welcome to the dark side, Mitt.

Mitt FU 47 percent

Honestly, whose got an issue with being lazy?

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Guilt-Free Lazy Days

Unless your homeless, sick or unemployed, laying around all day is unacceptable. This was my one shot to do nothing but sleep and eat Little Debbie Cakes until my pants busted open…because let’s face it, in a doomsday scenario, the real advantage is body fat and rest.

Life would be simple

There are so many choices and decisions we all must face in life;

Should I post this selfie on Facebook?

Will my IPhone look good in this purse?

Do these clothes make me look fat?

Jesus Christ, life is exhausting! I believe in some twisted way, most of humanity was hoping for an Apocalypse in 2012. Not hoping for thousands of people to die, but just to make life simple again.

In a world where your entire purpose is to survive, you could care less if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are really happy together. (But seriously, they have six kids, they can’t be, right?).

Whatever it is…I just don’t know how I will be able to get over this disappointment…the disappointment of knowing that now I have to pay off my student loans.

Mayans, I hope you understand the chaos your calendar has brought to my life….but on a positive note, Party City finally released the “Slutty Mayan” costume for October.

Sincerely,

Your Little Mayan fan

imagesmaycald

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http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/07/12/daily-prompt-singular/

I Got 99 Problems and A Dick Ain’t One

12 Jun

This is a highly inappropriate blog post…I try really hard not to include too many raunchy and profane topics all in one sitting, but…. I really don’t care.

There comes a time in every girls life when she has a particular thought, a thought that I believe is very valid, but nonetheless a simple thought…

What would I do if I had a penis for a day?

Before you read on, you must ask yourself how your feeling about the penis at this very moment…if weenies are scary , you dislike them or are grossed out by the visual thought of them in anyway…Don’t read on.

If you’re like me and wish you had one in a non-lesbian/non-transgender way…by all means, have a BALL… or Two 🙂

I find the male part quite amusing probably because I don’t-nor will ever– have one.

Not only that, but men talk about their penises like they are the best thing since his- and -her lube!

Remember that song from Harold and Kumar? “My dick” by Mickey Avalon? In his song he sings this line: “We got Dicks like Jesus”.

Now who wouldn’t want a Dick like Jesus? Seriously, they should start changing those WWJD? shirts and instead put… I Got A Penis Like Jesus. Those shirts would sell out in a day. Catholics, Christians, Jews and hell-even the Mormons would buy it.

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And If you don’t know who this guy is…shame on you

No wonder us gals are so curious, when do you hear the general female population raving about the greatness of the vagina?…and Alanis Morrissette doesn’t count.

So anyway, all this thought about the Main Vein, got me wondering…what if girl’s had penises? Obviously we would rule the world, that’s a given…Brain+Beauty+Balls…The possibilities would be endless really, but before we dive into that, let’s first explore why a woman wouldn’t want a penis…

Penis Problem #1: It’s incredibly ugly

There’s not much to say here…penises are just…blah. They slightly remind me of an elderly worm.

Wanna Play? EW

Wanna Play? EW

Penis Problem #2: It’s Deceiving

Romans do a great job of depicting this flaw…just look at the Statue of David. David is incredibly tall, muscular, sexy, curly hair… but has the tiniest penis ever. Now, to be fair, it doesn’t mean that David wasn’t packing some serious beef, but maybe David was a grower…not a show-er. Still,you will never know the truth.

Poor guy didn't have a chance to let the world know.

Poor guy didn’t have a chance to let the world know.

Penis Problem #3: size DOES matter

I love it when guys ask this question: Does size really matter to girls? YES. If you say differently, your a liar. In short…a guy can be the hot, and all around great, but he will never be datable if he’s got a French fry in his pants. For all my single ladies out there, how much does it suck when you go out with a guy on a few dates, spend all your time thinking about him, dreaming up fairy tale scenarios, only to find out when you sneak a peek, there is simply no future a-head.

Waste. Of. Time.

Damn Right

Damn Right

And there you have my ANTI-PENIS list.

Let’s explore the Positives-List.

Penis Pro #1- You Can Pee On Everything

I think males completely take this task for granted. Men can pee anywhere at anytime…out the window driving…in a bottle…on a wall…in the woods…off a bridge. My days of hovering over a toilet seat would be gone if I had a penis. Not only would I pee on all types of objects, but id definitely pee on annoying people. Screaming little children for example… If every kid was fearful of getting peed on at all times, you better believe they would shut up real quick.

I can see it now…

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Penis Pro #2: Absolutely play this game…All Day…Everyday…

Penis Pro #3: Cock Slap

Is this a real thing? When someone says, “I going to cock slap you in the face” Can you actually cock-slap someone in the face? I’d like to embark on this mystery to find out for myself.

Penis Pro #4: Penis Shadow Puppets

Hand shadow puppets are fun, but Penis Shadow Puppets are better.

This could be very do-able

This could be very do-able

Penis Pro #5:New-Business Ventures

Why hasn’t anyone made a clothing line for ding-a-lings? I know it sounds crazy, but seriously we dress up animals, paint our nails, wear leg warmers, dress up our hair…it’s about time for a penis clothing line. I think I’d call it…Pocket Rocket & Co.

Penis Pro #6: Boners

Boners are so cool, they are even a little magical. You can just walk into a shoe store and BAM…Boner. Then like an hour later walk into a coffee shop, library, car wash and be like BAM, BAM, BAM…Boner! Seriously, this is the best…Popping boners.

38652855

And my conclusion…having a penis is more productive than having a vagina…There are just more things to accomplish. Ladies have got to start stepping it up on the kegels and making these types of talents happen for us.

But at least there is one truth that will always trump the male parts…a truth so superior, men don’t stand a chance.

There is Power in The Pussy…And don’t you ever forget it.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/12/daily-prompt-law/

Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

6 Jun

Typically Life Situation for That Girl Ryan…

When I signed those mortgage papers on my first home this year, I was ecstatic! Goodbye annoying apartment renters, goodbye lazy landlords and HELLO freedom!

Freedom of doing what I want because I’m a mother fucking home owner and don’t have to listen to anymore apartment management bullshit rules. (Can you tell I have resentment?)

Our House

Our House

Boy Ryan and I have always been THOSE neighbors, “the problem renters”

Just to clue you in, here are some rules we have violated;

Noise violation (after 11pm on a Saturday night)

Failure to weed our outdoor patio (never knew this existed)

Failure to pick up after our dog (who by the way shits at least 4 times a day. Its impossible to keep up)

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

Ok, Ok, so we haven’t been the best renters, but I thought our renter problems would disappear after buying a home…but they don’t. You still have to put up with these people called neighbors; and neighbors tend not to relocate after a year of residence…they last a lot longer.

We moved into a lake community, let’s re-phrase…a “clicky” lake community. To join this lake in our neighborhood it’s a $1000/year. In my opinion, paying $1000 to swim in a dirty lake for 3 months out of the year is a bit expensive…call me crazy but I just wasn’t feeling it. However, what I failed to recognize is that ALL the neighbors in our community are part of the lake and get offended when you don’t join.

So when we didn’t join, I got the vibe that we were being shunned. Whatever, Shun the non-believer, it doesn’t bother me. Plus we invested in a baby pool this summer so that Addison wouldn’t feel under privileged. We actually have her convinced that the baby pool with clean water is much better than a lake with dirty water.

The Holy Lake

The Holy Lake

Here’s us, minding our own business…mowing our lawn, taking out our trash, waving to each neighbor like were riding on a god-damn parade float every morning… illustrating positive neighborly behavior.

And just when we started to think that we REALLY are good neighbors, LEVI, our newest family addition, decided to become a serial cat killer.

Adopting Levi was way too easy. He loves to cuddle, allows Addison to dress him up like a doll and listens! Yes, he listens really well! I thought it was a little too perfect from the beginning…There’s gotta be something wrong with him.

I found out this flaw the hard way as he shredded into a squirrel and attempted to Gator-Spin my parent’s cat, twice. And there it was…his flaw…he is not a cat enthusiast.

Such a Doll

Such a Doll

So long story short, Levi escapes one day without me noticing (probably taking direction from Joba, who is very capable of escaping on purpose) and attacks the neighbor’s furry friend. This entire escape was unbeknownst to me until a few hours later when I heard a knock at my door. I look and find my neighbors from across the street standing there.

O, how nice, they came to introduce themselves and bring muffins! What sweethearts.…I opened the door.

The woman is in tears, shaking and clutching clumps of what I realized was fur. Her husband stood next to her, red in the face, clearly embarrassed by his sobbing wife…

Your dog, attacked my cat! Look!” She pulled both hands up near my face to show me the cat fur. “YOUR dog pulled clumps of fur from her and drew blood! She won’t even come out from under the couch and is limping!

I glanced at Levi who was happily wagging his tail, excited to greet the new guests standing at the door.

O um, wow I’m so sorry, is the cat ok?”

NO! look at all this fur!”

I’m still a little perplexed as to why she brought the fur over with her to my house. Did she think I wouldn’t believe that fur has been lost in this cat-dog exchange. Plus, it was a bit rude because I had just mopped my floor and some of the cat hair strands flew into the house.

Yes, I’m so sorry, ill pay for the bill if the cat has to go to vet. It won’t ever happen again

“No it Won’t!” she threatened and stormed off with her husband in tow.

Dog Shame

Dog Shame

And here we go…we have done it again! As I shut the door, I pondered…how the hell do I make this better?

Solution #1: buy an invisible fence. Good fences make Good neighbors

Solution #2: join the god-damn lake so none of the other neighbors will talk shit about us. $1000 might be worth saving our reputation as the cat killing neighbors

Solution #3: send an apology to “cat lady victim #3”

But what do I send? Wine? Wine always helps everything…but what if shes a recovering alcoholic? That could make it worse…cookies? Shit I don’t have that kind of time. I could just buy them, but that looks insincere…”Here’s some cookies from ShopRite for your cat troubles”.

No, that won’t work…but you know what will? A “CAT-VICTIM-PACKAGE”! Perfect, a peace offering for the cat lady and her bald cat.

Lets see…i’ll get some cat-nip and treats…scoop up some extra dog hair from Joba to replace the lost hair from the scuffle…throw in a few kitty-self defensive classes and top it off with dog-repellant. That should really smooth this whole hair ball over.

angry-cat

I gathered all the necessary items and opened the blank card to scribe a personal note.

Dear…..Shit, I don’t know my neighbor’s names!

“We are so sorry about your cat, can’t tell you how awful we feel about this whole situation. We wanted to give your cat some treats as an apology from Levi (who definitely is not sorry)

We went ahead and purchased an invisible fence to ensure this will never happen again (for the safety of your cat, we will now punish our dogs with shock collars-Your Welcome).

We wish for a fast recovery and hope your cat can feel safe in her driveway (although she is an outside cat meaning anything could eat her, but at least it won’t be our dog) Please let us know if there is anything else we can do (unless of course the cat died over night).”

-Ryan and Ryan

Your caring, loving neighbors (please don’t hate us)

I dropped it off on the doorstep during the day so I could avoid any awkward conversation..I wouldn’t even know what to say

So here we are, good neighbors mending fences by putting up invisible barriers.

We will continue to wave our hellos and flash our pearly white smiles but it will never be the same as it was before the cat incident. They will always be the crazy cat neighbors to us and we will always be the crazy cat killers to them.

Yes, this is the bliss of home-ownership.

GoodFences1Daily Post Prompt…Four Stars: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

Green with Envy, The Jafees

16 May

When I started blogging, I thought I was THE SHIT..Like super-star potential awesome…I hear this is a common symptom in the Generation Y age groups. But then I started reading other people’s blogs (OPB).  And they make me sick with their talent, humor and amusing stories-yuck.

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

This morning, Go Jules Go, granted 6 bloggers the Jafee award.

The Jafees! is given out to bloggers by bloggers. Jafee stands for “Jealous As F***” . This award symbolizes that someone out there-creepy blog readers like me– Are jealous of other bloggers ideas and talents.

I like it, its about time we are start sharing our resentful tendencies with one another. So instead of sitting here at my computer, thinking of how much I hate my favorite bloggers (because I’m just envious that I didn’t think of their ideas) I’ve decided to be the bigger person and let my favorite bloggers know that their talent pisses me off and to tone it down-give other people a chance to shine, god dammit.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

564472_129960310497100_1659563866_n1. Don of All Trades

I’m so jealous of Don.

Don is this guy that- I assume is pretty old- but he makes parenting look cool…Do you know how hard it is to make parenting look cool? The snot, the tantrums and the vomit…he makes it all look glamorous.

All his kids have these nifty nicknames…especially the one called “G$”. I’d give my left arm to be called “G$“. Secretly, I think hes the male, much older, version of me…He’s got ADD, talks trashy AND clearly likes to drink…definitely my type of blogger. Go ahead Don, keep being amazing, I dare ya.

coffee_pic2. The Jiggly Bits

Teeny Bikini is fucking hysterical. There is just no way other way to put it-the girl makes me pee my pants laughing. Her perspective on life and UN-matched sarcasm is enough to make any gal look mediocre. Every week, I wait by my email like a loser, ready for her next adventurous post- especially if it has to do with her RAD-Cat licking nipples. Girlfriend-you rock.

I'm pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

I’m pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

3. Go Jules Go

Who isn’t jealous of Go Jules Go? She’s like the popular girl in high school that everybody wants to be. She’s blonde, funny AND can rock a stache better than any guy I know. When I first started my blogging journey less than 4 months ago, I frequently would visit Jule’s blog. This chick has like 5 husbands and has a dog named Uncle Jesse. Seriously- your perfect life makes me vomit.

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4. The Jittery Goat

Kenton Lewis is nothing but pure talent. He is always the first to post on WordPress’s The Daily Post and that just boils my blood. Most days, I have to do this thing…its called work… and can’t participate, but Kenton Lewis  has his post written and perfected five minutes after the topic is released…What The Hell Kenton? Either this dude is a mind reader or he’s just that talented. Plus, his mom is 99  and he is a published author…I just can’t handle it.

962937_10151385866695588_352634079_nlogo5. Small Chick, Big Deals

Sara is a personal friend of mine from college. I knew her when she began her blog and have watched it take off into a huge success. Her restaurant reviews and connections with local spots in New Jersey is enough to make anybody cringe with envy. She gets free clothes from clothing boutiques AND free food. Plus, she is one of those skinny girls that will never get fat-no matter what she eats. UGH Annoying.

If your a blogger…spread the jealousy!! This award can be given to anyone-by anyone! Rules HERE.

What bloggers are so freaking annoyingly- awesome that you want to give them a Jafee?

Resume Rules

9 May

sample res

In honor of the recent college grads out there, I wanted to formally welcome you to the real world and let you in on some trade life secrets.

IT SUCKS! you should of stayed in your college bubble and procrastinated on finishing school.

Well too late for regrets, you have no choice but to move forward and find a real job, unless your a super genius and can start a billion dollar .com company which in any case you wouldn’t be reading this particular blog because its for sub-genius individuals like myself.

Now that we got that out of the way, back to you recent grads, you have to get your resume written, like yesterday.

images

Every time I sit down to update my resume, I have a moment when i feel utter hatred for the person who created them. This person should clearly die and if they are already dead, someone needs to go vomit on their grave. Resumes are nothing but a bunch of bullshit written on paper. I can spend hours upon hours thinking of ways to impress a recruiter, but chances are they only look at my masterpiece for, what? 60 seconds…really?

Sometimes, I even turn to the “All knowing Machine” for some pointers. GOOGLE SEARCH: How to write a good resume

RESULTS:

“Ten things recruiters HATE about resumes”

“The rules of resume writing”

“How to create the perfect resume”

So many rules, and half of them all contradict each other….

Don’t put your full name/Don’t make the resume more than 2 pages/ Don’t leave any employment gaps/Don’t breathe on your paper/Don’t let the resume see any sunlight….Jesus Christ how does anyone know what to do with this shit.

I mean this crap is just getting ridiculous. Whats so hard about a job-you get to work by 9am and leave at 5pm. Does this document really need to be the be-all, end-all to my life?

stress

I’ve eaten my laptop on numerous occasions

There’s going to be a rebellion one day and it isn’t going to be about the economy or gun laws, its going to be about these fucking resumes. Guess what super-powerful recruiters, we hate your resume rules.

I even nominated myself to start a list of the most idiotic resume rules I’ve seen…

1. Always use proper grammar and spell check

No shit Sherlock. Who knowingly sends in a resume full of spelling and grammar mistakes? Don’t we all know that by now? Microsoft Word- spell checker clearly F*up.

2. Do not use “UN-professional” email addresses in your resume

Hmm, now this is an objective question. What is UN-professional? Honestly, more people should be hired because of their email addresses. You can tell a lot about a person’s email address…good and bad…

FromBrittanytoBrian@gmail.com ….This could be a transgender individual…Easy way to fill a gender quota…

ChunkyMonkey@yahoo.com…This could be a fat person that might eat all the food from the shared office refrigerator…

MyFunIsXRated@me.com…This could be the CEO’s new secretary…Rumor has it he hasn’t been laid in years and could use a little loosening up

3. Use “ACTION” words in your resume

Basically this is saying, make your job sound more exciting and important than it really is. Example:

Real Position

Secretary

Filing papers, making copies for the sales team,

coffee runs and take notes in executive meetings

Resume Position

Administrative Manager

Manage and maintain new and existing documents in system database. Develop and create company marketing, sales and administrative materials. Participate with senior management members on various corporate projects.

BAM…SUPERSTAR!

superstar-molly-shannon-single-parent

You know those people at work where you think, “Who the fuck hired this douche-bag?” These are the people who look good on paper. What does this teach us? Just because you look good on paper doesn’t mean your not a pain in the ass.

What’s an Honesty Resume? Its a document full of total, utter truth. Right to the point and cuts through the fluff.

I’ve made a quick one to show you hows its done.

Benefits of Objectives and Disclaimers: Writing an objective should not be about your clever industry “Buzz” words. No one really believes your motivated and innovative.  The disclaimers and fine print items are also right there in the open. Your not hiding, your just putting your expectations up front. It’s kind of like mentioning on a first date that you don’t want kids.

res1

Benefits of Education and Experience: Education is a yes or no question, not an explanation. So if you almost flunked out, doesn’t matter, you still got that paper hanging on your wall.

res2

Benefits of Skills and Achievements: This is the worst part of the entire resume, you can count EVERYTHING…take an hour tutorial on Photoshop? Check, Skill. Dabbled in photography for a month? Check, skill. Read a book on computer coding? Check, skill.

Put what you know your good at. Leave it up to the recruiter to translate how these skills correlate to your job…

res3

I find these all very valid in the work place

And then, finish it off with an honest cover letter…

Dear Recruiter,

I clearly fucking rock and am qualified for this position. Call me when you can get over the awesomeness of my life. I am more than happy to give you references. They are three-four people who think I’m the shit and will tell you the same.

Yes, I will consider coming in for a formal interview.

Your Welcome.

That Girl Ryan

Well, one day when pigs fly, we will be writing honesty resumes that reflect our individuality instead of cookie-cutter qualifications.

But until that day arrives, bull-shit away my friends.

Keep Dreaming

Keep Dreaming

*Don’t forget to tune in this weekend for my Mother’s Day SPECIAL post.

You know you wanna read about my mama 🙂

The Grocery Store War

1 May

grocerystore

Friends, I have a new hobby…Ive decided to start a new diet! So far its great but I compiled a quick Pro/Con list to share:

PROS:

1. Less Pimples

2. More Energy

3. Fast Weight Loss

CONS:

1. The toilet bowl has become my new friend

2. My own bowels have become my worst enemy

3. I am in the grocery store A LOT, like 3.5 hours a week…F.M.L.

#3 might be the reason I stop my new diet…

I HATE the grocery store, like I want to burn the place down, kind of hate. It’s gotten to the point that when I enter the doors to a grocery store, I hear a voice in my head: “Happy Shopping, May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor”

So I’m, going to let you explore why I have a deep despise for this place, in an unique kind of way of course…by making a “Hate Poem” about the shopping market…Enjoy

The all too familiar view

The all too familiar view

Dearest Grocery Store,

Iv decided to write you a poem about how much I loathe you,

I felt it was more appropriate in a form of a poem, because I hate those too…

I walk into your doors as they slowly slide open,

only to find that half the grocery carts are all broken

Taking the one with the squeakiest wheel,

is about as disturbing as Oprah’s sex appeal…

Oprah, Work it Girl

Oprah, Work it Girl

Turning down the aisle to start on my mission,

picking up first package of free-range chicken

I bet these chickens felt lucky to run around and trot

thinking they’d never end up in anyone’s cooking pot

As I’m throwing the package into my cart,

I suddenly get a whiff of the smallest fart.

Ew, how gross, I think in my head,

The smell is so toxic, I might drop dead

How dare these deadly crop dusters pollute my lungs,

Farting in the grocery store should be as illegal as assault guns.

As I run away from these deadly gases leaking from a stranger’s ass

I find myself in another situation that makes me want a shot-glass…

Little babies and toddlers sitting in their cart seats,

scream at the top of their lungs for their mom to buy a treat

Oh My God, how annoying these kids can be

Yet, there mothers never give them the third degree

Their shrieks and cries make me start to see red,

And all I can think about is whacking these kids right in the head

I’m not that kind of person, I shouldn’t think that way,

But they are so bad, someone should beat them with a cafeteria tray…

O Yea, you know these kids

O Yea, you know these kids

As I enter into the produce section, I start to fester,

Especially when I spot a female Fruit-Molester

She touches and smells and pokes and prods,

until the fruit is so damaged it resembles a smooshed frog.

Well, thanks for the germs you dirty bitch,

I’m sure those hands have been scratching in a place that shouldn’t itch.

Now that you have infected and touched all the good fruit,

all the rest of us are forced to purchase your germ-ridden brute…

So again I move on to find a row of FREE SAMPLES!

I look to see the opportunity to be first in line, is more than ample.

But as I approach the table with a promise of a snack,

I am ambushed by a herd of hungry human packs.

They gobble and grunt as they consume the samples remaining,

Pushing in line and stepping on your toes without explaining.

As your turn in line is almost up,

you look to find nothing left but an empty Dixie cup

NO! Damn you, all of you greedy pigs

I hope all your first born children die of SIDS.

Ok, that was harsh, I have to agree,

but these people are hogs and didn’t leave any for me!

If I can get any in time...

If I can get any in time…

Making it past the deli section, with great success,

you head over to check-out where you think you can rest.

But O no, the hung-over checkout boy has a different plan,

he isn’t very quick and slightly reeks of a Coors Light beer can.

To make it worse, I’m behind an old hag,

Who will take 30 minutes to pull a checkbook out of her bag

When I get to the front and its finally my turn,

the hung-over checkout boy says, “I betcha can’t wait till that old lady’s in a urn?”

He chuckles at his witty comment and continues to scan,

Telling me about the Supermarket’s “Awesome” pension plan

I nod and grin and wish I could press fast forward,

Because now he’s talking about the many uses of a human umbilical cord.

Just as I think I’m almost done,

he asks if I can donate $1 to the children’s hospital summer camp fund.

Well, how can I say no to sick children, I would look like a bitch,

This organization is smart, what a brilliant sales-pitch!

So once again I am guilt-ed to donate my cash,

So I give the boy the rest of my dollar bill stash…

3ryl6j

Finally, I’m out, finally I’m free,

it only took 2 hours but I’m strolling the parking lot buzzing like a bee

I look to my left and look to my right,

Entering the parking lot which resembles a bomb site

I throw my empty shopping cart into the nearest tree crease,

but am startled by the sound of the shopping cart POLICE

Excuse me Mam, please put your cart back in the designated area”,

his face was red and twitched like he was about to go into total conversation hysteria

My eyes scanned for the nearest cart drop-off, it was at least a five minute walk,

Is he for real? PSHH, this guy can piss off

I responded as calmly as I could,

but I’d had enough of this place and there’s no way this man would of understood

Sir, while I appreciate your job and all that you do,

you don’t understand what I’ve seen, you just don’t understand my angle of view

If you try and stop me as I get into my car,

I will kick so hard in the ass, it will leave a scar.

With that being said, its time for me to leave,

this place makes me sick and I think I might heave”

Goodbye dreaded store, goodbye for now,

I won’t miss you a bit, I give you my vow

Sincerely,

Your Loyal Shopper Girl Ryan

And THAT my friends are my thoughts on the grocery store.

Until next week….

k-bigpic
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/daily-prompt-mad-libs/

Dancing With The “O” Girls

17 Apr
734026_1971598693217_941967433_n

If you don’t have sisters…you just won’t understand

Last week was siblings day! How could I have let that one slip? I wanted to introduce my two sisters to my TGR readers the right way. Obviously by dancing.

My entire family loves to dance. People ask me all the time what I like to do with my free-time…well this is it.

One constant argument between my sisters and I is always….Who has the best dance moves? Saturday nights and sometimes, Tuesday mornings, you can find us battling it out in my Mom’s living room.

So, we decided to settle this argument the right way, with a PUBLIC Dance-Off. (god help me if this ever comes back to bite me)

WARNING: The dance moves you are about to see will blow your mind. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Wax On….Wax Off

27 Mar

IMG_2348

It’s Spring Time! A time for the sun to warm the earth, a time for a new and bright wardrobe, a time for the plans of summer to begin….but really, Spring time is a time for your post-winter bikini wax.

Similar to my thoughts about getting massages; bikini waxes are bizarre in theory. Removing hair from your nether region is a social fucking phenomenon.

I cringe just looking at this

I cringe just looking at this

I didn’t get my first waxing until 4 summers ago…you know why? My mom always said to me, “Your hair is meant to be there, if it wasn’t, god would make it hairless”

Besides that odd explanation, we now all know who isn’t a fan of rocking the Bald Eagle…if you know what I mean.

So, I made my appointment at the waxing center and walked in with hesitation…

“Welcome Ryan, Linda, your wax-er will be right out…you’re getting the bikini and eyebrow wax correct?” As cheery as possible.

“Yes”

That’s right lady… I’m here to rip the hair follicles out from my face and vag

“ok great have a seat”

You know what really jerks my chains, why the receptionist is so cheery about the whole thing. What is so pleasant about getting a wax? Nobody WANTS to be here, but when you walk-in, the receptionist acts like a greeter for an all inclusive resort in the Caribbean. To top it off, she always want to schedule your next appointment BEFORE you get wax-tortured. Probably because by the time you come back you won’t remember that you screamed the F-word 5 times and that you couldn’t walk for days after. Clever.

My waxer, Linda, appears and summons me back to the room. Here goes nothing…

Frida needs to be introduced to Linda the Waxer

Frida needs to be introduced to Linda the Waxer

“So, I see this is your first wax this season; ill make sure to take it slow’”O great, how embarrassing. Linda, the bikini wax-er clearly can tell I haven’t been here in a while…“So what are we doing today? Bikini, Brazilian, Bleaching?”

“Did you say bleaching? Like bleaching my pubs?”

“No, silly your asshole. Bleaching your butthole”

Put your money where the bleach is.

Put your money where the bleach is.

I’m sorry, I thought she said I can bleach my ass hole…I have many questions….

Does my asshole need to be bleached? It is obvious that its darker? Doesn’t bleaching make everything whiter? Being a white person, doesn’t that automatically guarantee a white hole? Would they offer bleaching to me if I was black? How would that work? Do I have a choice of bleaching with a certain color; like choosing highlights or low-lights?

Look, I admit, I haven’t looked down there since the age of 4 during my “Discovery phase”, I don’t even know what it looks like. But on that note, if I did bleach, who would see it? maybe it’s like getting a tattoo on your back. You never see it, you just know it’s there.

Seriously, what women in their right mind would invent this degrading procedure? I just can’t imagine a woman waking up one day and saying, “Wow, my asshole looks terrible in these jeans…I should bleach it”.

This whole concept is complete over-load for my brain right now.

“Um, yea ill pass on the ass bleaching for today, thanks”

Frog Stance...this is pretty accurate

Frog Stance…this is pretty accurate

“Ok, so well just stick with a full bikini wax then. Put your heels together and relax your legs like a frog…just relax.

Well, Linda, you don’t fuck around, girl-Get right to it.

Relax? No problem, I usually lay flat with my heels pressed together showing complete strangers a full frontal view of my Pickachu.

As Linda turns to retrieve the wax and make me balder than a babies ass…I started to think…

Are you there Bikini Hair? It’s me, Girl Ryan…

“Ready? Here we go!!”….Rip

Look, I’m real sorry about all this…it’s been a great winter…can’t thank you enough for the time that the power went out for 3 weeks or when I went skiing with only one pair of pants on. You probably prevented me from getting hypothermia.

Rip

But summer is on the way…and this is just how it has to be…especially if I want to start taking that Pilates class with shorts on. Can’t be the only one at the gym with long-spandex all summer.

Rip

Plus I might want to go the beach and play some volleyball…yea…I know I don’t play volleyball, but still, I can if I want to.

Rip

You know things just aren’t the same since the summer of 2004…Remember that wave at the beach that knocked me over and took my bathing suit top and bottoms? Yeaaaa… I can deal with flashing my bare A cups… but you, bikini hair…that’s an embarrassment I can’t afford again.

Rip… Rip

Hush, Hush, don’t cry, it will all be over soon.

Rip

“Ok, Ryan, now we should probably get the “inner section.” Looking now, this shouldn’t be too difficult to do, your inner’s are very… accessible.”

I have to admit, I haven’t heard someone say that since college and I sure didn’t expect to hear it from my wax-er. And what the hell does that mean my inner’s are accessible? Like its open? Just flying around in the wind?

I suddenly remembered a story I heard last week about this girl who had a sloppy vagina. Obviously, it’s a male’s way of referencing a girl’s parts, basically calling them ugly and mis-moshed. I guess its like a female calling a guy’s area a “Micro-penis”. Though I have never seen one personally, I know what a micro-penis looks like, I googled it. But I have no idea what the fuck a sloppy V would look like.

I quickly took out my phone and did the only thing I could think of at that moment.

Text Message Girl Ryan: DO I HAVE SLOPPY VAG?

Text Message Boy Ryan: ?????

Text Message Girl Ryan: Don’t fuck around, I’m getting waxed at this moment and need to know!

Text Message Boy Ryan: What’s a sloppy vagina? Is that like having Roast Beef Vag?

(Roast Beef vagina: I would define this, but I think you get it)

And no, You have a beautiful vagina.

Text Message Girl Ryan: Ok, if you say so…ttyl

For Life's Biggest Questions

For Life’s Biggest Questions

Ok, I should know by now not to ask my husband questions like this. It’s like asking him if I look fat wearing a hippo costume…he would never tell me the truth.

So, I decided to ask Google what it looks like and never will again….the related searches were composed of the following:
“How do you get sloppy vag?…Is it contagious?…What does it look like?”

Shit I guess this is a common thing. One Medical website even said that 3 out of 8 women have a Sloppy V. Maybe I need to get a professional opinion…Yes…next time when I’m there, I’m going to ask my doctor if I have an ugly vagina.

“Ok, Ryan. Your all done. Here’s a mirror to see if I missed any spots.”

She hands me a hand-held mirror…Seriously? What the hell am I suppose to do with this?!?”

Mirror, Mirror in my hand…who has the prettiest vagina in all the land?

Yes, Mirror, tell me who has the fairest one of all?

Yes, Mirror, tell me who has the fairest one of all?

“That’s OK, I’m sure it looks great…I trust your waxing skills, Linda.”

I quickly scoot out of the wax center-on-fire– and ease into my car. Honestly, all I wanted to do at that moment was go home and dance naked in front of the mirror; you know… check out my new “do”.

But instead, I decided to head over to my mom’s house for dinner. This situation has traumatized me enough for one day and cooking my own dinner tonight was just out of the question.

I opened the door and hear music playing in the living room: Girl on Fire, by Alicia Keys…This girl is on fire…She’s walking Her bikini line is on fire… how appropriate…exactly what I’m feeling right now.

Suddenly, I’m greeted by my mom: “Hey, rye, hungry? I just picked up some Sloppy Joe’s and Roast beef sandwiches for dinner…”

UGH, Fuck my Life.

Picture11

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/03/28/daily-prompt-tears/

Always BE Closing

13 Mar
Beware The Heels

Beware The Heels

Dear fellow sales account executives in the world…I have a killer story to tell you.

So yesterday, I definitely had a classic one night stand. I didn’t even bother to call him back after I left.

That is usually how these things start.

I went to the location of a business man…a rich business man. When I showed up I simply handed him my contract and a list of my services.

Without hesitation, he told me what he wanted and how he wanted it.

It was fast, easy and painless.

He even paid me upfront, I didn’t have to even ask for money.

I left out of breath and was completely unsatisfied. It was too easy, I wanted a chase but I took what I could get.

I just closed a sales deal.

I never wanted to start my career in sales, I just couldn’t see myself being any good at it. Usually successful sales people are aggressive, persistent and have no problem asking for your money.

Call me a bad democrat, but I hate asking for money.

Like any recent college grad, sales seemed to be the only fast-track option into the workforce that didn’t require entry-level bitch work.

Entry Level=Coffee Boy

Entry Level=Coffee Boy

One little aspect you must know about sales is that your fellow co-workers will always share their advice on how to be successful, whether you want to hear it or not.

“Sales is like getting a PHD in People. The more you know about them, the more you sell. So you should probably stalk them on Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin”

Or

“The best sales people are actually the best listeners. If you listen more than talk, you will be successful. Because if you continue to talk and talk talk, then nobody will listen because nobody cares…blah blah blah blah blah”-(This advice came from a recently fired employee due to his excessive talking)

Or

“Sales is a bunch of bullshit + Smiling + more bullshit…you will be fine if you do the following”

Alec Baldwin Said It Best

Alec Baldwin Said It Best

As I listened to all the advice offered to me, I realized that most of these quotes never captured the essence of what being in sales is really like.

So I’ve decided that one day when it’s my turn to give the advice, I will say:

“Sales is just like being a white collared prostitute.”

If you can’t make the connection hear me out…

  1. Prostitutes have Pimps….Sales people have Sales managers…Both expect you to be out all day meeting with clients, and return with money. We may not get beaten or stalked, but we sure are held accountable for our quotas.
  2. Just like Prostitutes….sales people meet with their clients, figure out their needs and promise to fulfill them with their services.
  3. The better looking you are, the more money you will make.
  4. Sometimes you do and say things you would never normally would do, in order to close a deal. There are moments you go to Low places in order to do business. Like discount your prices.
  5. In order to be a successful salesperson, you got to recognize when your client is D-T-F, Down to Finance.
  6. Sales people make booty calls, we just call it “Cold Calls”
  7. We walk the streets, only we do it during the day and hit more clients in a shorter amount of time.
  8. Prostitutes get perks, but so do sales people. It may not be jewelry, fur coats or expensive dinners, but we get discounts, tickets and weekend outings.
  9. We too, are only doing this gig to pay our way through college and pay off our student loans…
  10. This industry is known for human trafficking…once you’re in sales, you can’t get out, you just move from company to company.
  11. You make every customer feel that they are special and important even if they are smelly and hairy
  12. Every now and again, we have a “Pretty Woman” Story. Sales executive gets rescued by one of their clients and leaves the business to live a wonder life in marketing
  13. Your clients pay your bills.
  14. If sales is like being a hooker, then customer service is like being a sex slave; Nobody wants to make that lateral move.

Ok, so point made.

Eventually, you stop being a hooker to your clients and your relationship begins to progress into something more…especially when you find out they got more money in their budgets than you were aware of. Now, you are in dating mode and will do anything to show them you are ready to be a committed sales girlfriend.

Typically, I use all my office resources to impress my client, show them how wonderful I can be.

Eventually if your dating goes well, your client will decide to sign a contract and make you their sales wife.

Sign my contract and marry me.

Sign my contract and marry me.

There is nothing better than receiving an email from your client that says, “Attached is the signed contract”

And all you can think is: Yes, I DO! I will be your sales wife!

The joy is overwhelming; this going to be the best sales relationship ever.

Now that you’re a newlywed sales wife, life is great. You treat them with respect, you take them out to lunch on “Sales dates” and everything is peachy.

But sometimes, the honeymoon comes to an end and the abuse begins…They call you non-stop… wondering where you are…why you haven’t called them…accuse you of not giving them enough attention….telling you how much you suck.

Nothing is good enough.

Walking away isn’t an option; your married now. You have to deal with them because, they are financing your life and feeding your children- And you don’t want to starve the children.

And if you can’t find a way to turn the marriage around, they usually file for divorce and discontinue the contract. Never underestimate a client, they can take you for everything your worth; your commission, your perks; YOUR DIGNITY.

divorce_final_stamp_greeting_cards-p137603696172282090envwi_400

You start to think, “what could I have done differently? Maybe I should have been more attentive as a sales wife or took them on more sales dates. How did it get to this?”

I even had one client divorce me because of another woman…another sales wife.

“Ryan, we decided to give our business a new and fresh approach…by signing with your biggest competitor.”

When this happened, I didn’t know what to say…but these lyrics from Bruno Mars came to mind:

I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my work-hours
When I had the chance
Now my baby’s client’s dancing
But my baby’s client’s dancing with another sales-man.

Sales Love hurts.

To all my non-sales readers, if you can take one thing from this post take this:

Before you hang up on that telemarketer or slam the door in someones face, remember that we have feelings and we don’t like to ask for money. We just want to be your hooker.

Happy Selling !!!

PS-if you like my blog…please sign up at the bottom of this post in the “Follow This Blog” box!! After all, i’m trying to sell this shit.

This blog was inspired by Cold Call Me Maybe I highly recommend you check it out!

Silver screen blog posthttp://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/daily-prompt-silver-screen/

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