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26 going on 40

30 Oct

Good god, are we doing this again? Happy Birthday To Me!

robd

Photoshop Cred to my wonderful coworker

^ FYI this was the birthday invitation sent out to my company by coworkers-I deserve a promotion

I’m 26. I’m still at the age where I’m not afraid to admit my age. I cried last year when I turned 25 but I have realized that as I get older I am really starting to figure shit out…so I’m pretty happy to be turning 26. Plus, I feel a lot older than I am and wouldn’t mind my age catching up a bit. I know that sounds horrible but when you prefer the company of people in their 40’s to people in their 20’s, you begin to feel impatient. While the rest of my 20 something generation is trying to find a special purpose in life, I’m over here like shit, is it time to retire to Florida yet?

I’m 26 going on 40 and I know I’m getting older because…

1. I finally understand the power of a hand towel

I never got the point of hand towels, I thought they were just over sized wash cloths with no purpose. This was until I started purchasing hand soap to place in my bathroom- you know to wash your hands-and now I understand the need for a small-but-not-too-small towel to dry your hands.

Hand Towels are awesome!

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2. My routine is my life

I go to bed super early, like 9:30pm early.

There is a method to this madness…If I don’t go to bed at 9:30, I won’t wake up for my 5:30am workout. If I don’t work out, I eat fatty foods, If I eat fatty foods all day long, I am cranky when I get home. When I am cranky, nobody wants to talk to me.

I am a slave to my weekday routine which is why I decline invites on weeknights. Don’t ask me to get drinks because I will say no. If you want to come to my house, it’s all good between the hours of 6-9. If you are not out the door by 9:15, I officially don’t like you anymore.

#I’mLame

3. My Hair is getting shorter

I never understood why people grow up and cut off all of their hair.

“I’ll never do that”

Guess what, I did. Chopped all 8 inches of my hippie hair.

People, I’m about 2 inches away from a MOM cut. Help me.

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4. I got called, “boring” 

I told my 24 year old co worker the highlights of my weekend which include catching up on Netflix shows and drinking craft beers on the couch and she called me boring. I laughed it off at first and then went home and cried about it because it’s true.

5. Old people hangovers

I remember the days of drinking until 4am, sleeping for 4 hours than waking up and starting all over again without hesitation. Now I drink three beers and have to raid my medicine cabinet.Plus if the night doesn’t start by 8pm and end by 11pm, it’s not happening.

6. If you are 22 years of age or younger, you will think I am a pessimist.

<22 yr old says, “I can’t wait to work!” 

I say, “Give it a year, you will hate it” 

<22 yr old says, “I just want to be free and travel the world before settling down”

I say,“You won’t have enough money to do that alone.”

<22 yr old says, “I know I’m going to be an executive by the age of 30”

I say, “Maybe, but you should probably move out of your parent’s house first.” 

Pffttt…Kids these days.

7. I hired a cleaning lady

First sign of grown up success.

8. Dislike driving at night

Hello, grandma. Scary things happen to your eyes at night.

 9. I pay attention to Public Works Announcements

Trash day happens every Tuesday, Leaf pick up day is once a month and there is no recycling enforced in my town…which pisses me off.

So pissed I actually sent a letter complaining…

10. I have a strong desire to make my own food

Like pizza and Stromboli. It doesn’t matter I can drive down the street and buy it from the pizza place, I just want to make it at home.

11. I know the difference between Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon

And prefer to drink it out of a bottle, not a bag.

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12. Infomercials are starting to get highly convincing 

I am the proud owner of a magic bullet. I use it 2x a year.

I currently have my eye on the “lettuce spinner”, looks like something I just need.

 

I’m looking forward to 26, I can’t imagine what old people habits I will pick up this year! Let’s just hope 26 doesn’t bring on any grey hairs or cracking knees!

The Date Ditcher

21 Oct

It happened. It happened to me. I never thought it would.

But how?! Was it my text? The way I responded? Maybe I seemed too over-eager to meet up.  I tend to get a little excited about new relationships.

This was my first time, I thought I did everything right. We met at a party and hit it off right away. We kept in touch every now and again and exchanged facebook friend requests. Then one night, after finding the courage in 3 glasses of wine, I sent a text asking to meet up and it worked! We set a date and time and double confirmed the details. The day came and I could barely contain my excitement. I showered, shaved and even put on my new fall booties. I anxiously awaited by the door as the time neared closer to the hour you said you were arriving but you never came. You never showed up. You never rescheduled. You never even cancelled!

Yes, I got stood up…on a date… on a play date.

I normally don’t do play dates. The thought of sitting in a stranger’s house while our kids play and leave us to small chit chat is excruciating. Especially when there is no wine involved. I went with my daughter to one birthday party/ play date and it was probably the worst thing ever. I’m not sure which was more painful, the fact that each and every kid at the party had a melt down or that people assumed I was the 18 year old babysitter hired to help.

Yea, play dates aren’t really my thing.

But they almost were…last year at a party, I met a girl that I had gone to high school with. I found out she had a son who is close in age with my daughter and immediately we hit it off.  By the end of the night, we had decided we should get together; the kids could run themselves tired while we drank wine and complained about them running wild.

It sounded like a dream play date come true.

Basically, I tend to get really overly excited when I meet new people. I am that over-eager friend. When you say, “we should get together soon” I respond with, “how about tomorrow”? Yea, I’m one of those people. Making friends out of college is a tough task. You no longer have drinking buddies or Sunday brunch besties. As you each begin to start new jobs and get married, you are lucky if you keep 2-3 friends from college. Sure, you can make work friends but all you really have in common is work and all you probably do is bitch about your boss. So to say that I was a tad excited for this meet up is a bit of an understatement. For this play date I went out and bought a cheese spread…Yes, A MOTHER FUCKING CHEESE SPREAD.

This was serious.

Our guests were to arrive at 2pm and confirmed earlier that morning we were still on. I did some last minute cleaning, brushed my dogs so they were less smelly then before and sat patiently on the couch awaiting their arrival….

DateDitcher

2:00 ….Ok, it’s time! I’m sure they will be here any minute now.

2:15….silly me, nobody arrives right on time, she is probably just being fashionably late. 

2:30….Maybe they stopped to pick up some desserts. 

2:35….They must have hit a detour in the road

2:40…I hope they arn’t dead

2:45…They are definitely dead

2: 50…I’ll send a text

TextHey! Are you guys on your way?!

3:00…No response

3:15…Ok, Seriously this is rude, the cheese is melting 

3:20...I’ll start an episode of Scandal while I’m waiting

3: 30…Shit, I ate all of the cheese 

4:00…Fuck it, I’m changing out of my bra and watching NetFlix

4:30…Drank entire bottle of wine and fell asleep

Can you believe I never received a response or cancellation from this girl?

Look, when a man stands you up on a date it’s expected because men are douche bags, but women, women know to cancel plans. They either reschedule or come up with a half believable excuse as to why they can’t make it. This girl straight up just went missing in action. I even kept an eye on the news in case I heard about a mother and son that were taken hostage!

For two days I had no idea what happened or if this girl was even still alive. Lucky for me, the world is small and I found out she planned a birthday party for her son the same day as our play date was scheduled.

jon-stewart-confused-what

Ok? Weird? Maybe she forgot about the birthday party?  Some people might forget a planned birthday party for their kid…right? But still, shoot me a simple text like, HEY-gotta reschedule, totes forgot my kid’s birthday party is today!

WHAT IS THAT? Why are people so damn weird?! I got a cheese spread for crying out loud! 

At least Addison sees right through the bullshit. When I asked about her thoughts on being ditched on her first play date, this is what she said,

This whole situation is awkward and so is that kid’s mom.”

Well said.

She Got It From Her Mama

9 May

Re-Posting this from last year, it’s too priceless not to share again!

Enjoy Mother’s day Weekend Everyone!

 

If you haven’t gotten your mother anything by this point in time, its too late. Running to CVS to buy a last minute bath set is TOO obvious. You might as well make a card and write a nice poem, mothers always seem to enjoy that.

Available at your local CVS Store

Available at your local CVS Store

Although, if my daughter grows up and writes me a poem for a gift, I might be offended. Let’s see- I pushed you out , stayed up many nights with you while you threw up, shit, and drooled all over me and all you can write is a poem? Yea, maybe that’s not the best idea, stick with the CVS bath-set.

Anyways, id thought this year I’d do something special different for my mom.

She has been tip-toeing around me, on her best behavior for fear that my next blog post would be about her and her darkest secrets…

Well mom, the wait is over, NOW is YOUR moment!

momaddy

Let me just say, my mom is an amazing woman. She is the best person I know and I wouldn’t be me without her. She has taught me to be strong, motivated and to never apologize for being myself. She has also been my best friend since the age of 20 (because during the teen years, your supposed to hate your mom).

That being said, Ive learned a lot from my mother and there are some things I think are worth sharing.

1. Saturdays are for cleaning

In school Fridays were never about Pizza Day or the day before the weekend. Fridays for me were The day before cleaning day. Saturday was ALWAYS cleaning day. If the apocalypse hits on a Friday, your still shit out of luck because your ass is getting up at 7am on Saturday and cleaning. When we finally got a cleaning lady I thought all my chore problems would go away but no, Saturdays became the day to clean before the cleaning lady.

2. Girls Always Wipe From Front to Back

I’ve always wondered why? No idea, but it might have something to do with my vagina. 24 years and counting of Yeast infection sobriety. Thanks mom.

3. Fashionably late never exists

My mother shows up everywhere 30 minutes early. Know those people in your life that you show up late to EVERYTHING. Like you send them a different party invite with the start time earlier than it is? Well my mom is the opposite. She is the person you change the invitation to say 30 minutes later…

4. Never shave the tops of your legs

I listened to this advice till about 8th grade. Then one day I wore shorts and I was deemed “Hairy Tops”. I never got why she thought you shouldn’t shave the tops of your legs, until I noticed the tops of her legs aren’t the only thing she skips out on shaving. Now, I understand.

5. Photogenic ability is a gift, not a right and sometimes my mom just doesn’t have it…

Like this…

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Or This…

Resemblance?

Resemblance?

And Finally This…

Well nobody looks good in this one.

Well nobody looks good in this one.

6. Once you go black, you never go back

This was in reference to a white girl dating a black guy. I always assumed it was negative. Then I started hearing the rumor that black guys got big “Disco Sticks”. Now I’m starting to see the truth. Once you have had black, there Aint NO REASON to go back to white. You Go Mama-O

7. Never put a TV in your bedroom, it’s unproductive

According to Mama-O, the bedroom is for sleeping and “something else”. The minute I moved out, I put a TV in my bedroom and realized that watching TV in bed while doing “something else” is multitasking.

Speaking of “Something Else” that reminds me:

8. The “Sex Conversation” doesn’t have to be a conversation at all

When I learned what sex was at the age of 7, I went home, disturbed, and ask my mother

“I learned about sex today…you and dad don’t do that do you?”

“Yes we do and you should feel lucky that your parents still have sex very regularly after this many years of marriage”

-END CONVERSATION-

9. She Puts All Hand Talkers to Shame

10. You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide

I remember a day when my mom owned that ugly box 90’s van, light blue to be exact. My sister and I ran away from home, I was 7, Sam was 2. We packed our barbies in a suitcase and planned to skip town. We made it to the local playground and hid out. After about an hour (Yea, it took an hour for her to notice her bundles of joy were missing)I see my mother’s van speeding up and down the street like a mad woman. By the way she was driving, she was mad-I mean pissed off- gunna kick my ass -mad. She found us partly because it was dinner time and I was hungry and because two blondes hiding in a slide were a dead give-away.

When you saw this, it was all over

When you saw this, it was all over

11. No dinner table conversation is off limits

My family has the most inappropriate dinner conversations. Some topics have included; how big my sisters poop was, the importance of using condoms. But the one that takes the cake; My mother bragging that my father didn’t need Viagra at the age of 49 in which my youngest sister replied, “What’s Viagra?”

More Sausages anyone?

12. Punishments get easier with sibling order

My sister and I grew up during a time when spanking was still OK. It was never considered child abuse. We would stuff towels in our pants before we knew we were going to get spank to ease the hand of my parents. Our little tactic worked well until my sister started laughing hysterically while she was getting spanked-mom caught on real quick.

Now I see my youngest sister get punished and there is no spanking, not even a threat of spanking. Her punishment is “Go to your room and play your with your kindle-your punished” I was definitely born in the wrong order.

13. You will always be responsible for raising your male spouse

This is so true and I wished I listened to this piece of advice a little more. Not only do I have remind my husband to change his underwear, but I also have to shop for his outfits and teach him how to chop onions. Step it up Boy-Mothers, your children are killing us women.

14. There are two types of people in this world, those who are Chowns and those who want to be Chowns

Chown is my mother’s maiden name. I always thought this saying meant Chown women were long legged, tall and have gorgeous million dollar smiles. But recently, my sisters boyfriend clued me into what this REALLY means. When my sister asked him:

“What do us “O” girls have in common with our mom”

To which her boyfriend replied:

“Everything. Your boobs, you all have nice boobies”

AND That is what it means to be a Chown or want to be a Chown- It’s all in the Boobs.

15. White Girls Can Dance

16. Love is a Choice

The best and last thing I have learned from my mother is that Love is a Choice. You don’t fall in love, you choose to love and this piece of advice I TRY to live by everyday. There are some days that this choice is difficult and days that it is impossible, but I wake up each day choosing to love not only my spouse, but everything and everyone around me.

Mom, I hope you can choose to love me after this blog post.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

girlsqd

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/daily-prompt-mom/

A Letter From Your Mother

8 May

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To the little girl who calls me mother,

I wanted to write you a letter this Mother’s Day because you are the reason I am being celebrated for my MILF status (I threw in the MILF part).

You are only 4 years old but at 4, you blow me away.

Before you came, my life was like any typical college kid my age. The world was my oyster and my five year plan was as solid as a brick wall. You were a factor that I had never considered.

Doing my typical college thing

Doing my typical college thing

When I found out about you, I was only 20, still a baby myself in many ways. Like the fact that I still didn’t know how to wash a load of laundry without shrinking everything in it.

Two weeks before I took that pregnancy test, I competed in a college Beer Olympics with your dad. I must have drank between 12-15 beers, chugging them as fast as I could. Sorry about that. Your little peanut fetus must have had as much of a hangover as I did. However, your dad and I won the Olympics so that trophy you stare at on the wall was well worth it.

Dad was super excited with his winning Russian hat.

Then there was that time when I was about 7 months pregnant and turned 21.  Instead of getting wasted on my birthday, I got loaded on raw-free sushi. No complaints here, I’m sure you were just as happy as I was that night.

That same week my doctor said I could have a glass of red wine, my first drink of alcohol since the Beer Olympics. I ordered a red sangria…I thought it was red wine with fruit. Sometimes young mothers are stupid. Halfway through that sangria I realized that it was filled with more than just red wine. Between the slight buzz and the angry looks from other people in that restaurant, I should have noticed sooner. My bad.

This explains everything

This explains everything

When you were born, you were not the cutest newborn. You were purple and had a slight resemblance to the asian gas station attendant down the street. I’m sure your dad was a bit concerned but didn’t say a word.

Do you see my concern?

Do you see what I’m saying?

As you filled out and got your chubby baby rolls, you became the prettiest little thing I had ever seen. You had bright blue eyes like your dad, my smile and your own unique laugh that was contagious. You should have been the poster baby for GAP, you made Prince George look like a pile of elephant shit.

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Can’t handle the adorableness…Neither could GAP

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Heart Melted.

When you were about 8 months old I brought you shopping with a friend…a non-baby-experienced, friend. She took you into a dressing room while I finished getting my hair done and sat you on a dressing room table. Of course you fell off and bumped your head. She brought you back to me wailing, your head looked like Worf from Star Trek.

That was a bad day for you.

That was a bad day for you.

I felt terrible, probably not as terrible as my friend but that was the first time I questioned if I was good mother. The minute I coddled you in my arms and kissed your boo-boo, you calmed down and smiled letting me it was ok. I left with my hair half done, but I didn’t have to pay for it so it worked out. Needless to say, my friend will not be allowed to take you shopping until you are at least 10.

By 2 years old, you mastered the art of a taking a selfie before it was even an art to master. You would take my IPhone and snap pictures of yourself for me to find. You don’t know this but your secret selfies got me through Monday mornings.

Awesome in a selfie

Awesome in a selfie

At 3 years old, you were more mature and smarter than most kids your age. You are an old soul. I know this because you asked me one day to stop calling you a baby. You said, “I am 3 years old and should be called a little young girl“. It broke my heart a little bit but it was a fair request.  Or that time you wanted to use your Chuckie E Cheese money to buy a Dora doll. You insisted on using your own money to buy what you wanted. At 3, you already were an independent “little young girl.” Beyonce would be proud.

Independent women don't give a F*$#!

Independent women don’t give a F*$#! in Crayola Factory

Now at 4 years old you continue to amaze me. When we went camping and a wild animal ate all your marsh mellows, I did my best to keep you calm by explaining that we would get you more. You simply looked at me and said, “Fuck it, whatever. It’s no big deal”. I should have scolded you for using profanity or put you in time out but I was so impressed you used it in the right context that I couldn’t. All I had to do was explain that “Fuck” is an adult word and should be used by adults. You now you reprimand me for using it and say, “12 year old girls shouldn’t use that word.” I hope you think I’m still 12 in a couple of years.

"Mom!"

“Mom!”

I love when you make me laugh uncontrollably, which happens often. Especially that time we went for a 5 minute walk and you told me your boobs hurt from walking so much. You told me you wanted to lay down so you could rest your boobs from such a strenuous hike.

After two years, Dad and I finally found the secret to keeping you a clean kid. Who would of known the detachable shower head would be the trick to get you to bathe more than 2x a week. My outlook for your hygiene is now bright.

The god of all clean children

The god of all clean children

As you get older, you are turning into a little me. I worry about your dad’s sanity. Having two of me in one house might be a bit much for him. We may not find most of his jokes funny, but he is crazy about us. You will find out soon enough that he is wrapped around your finger and always will be.  Give him a break every now and again, he tries his best to keep up with your mile-a-minute stories. And I know his dreams of you becoming the first female NFL player are excessive, especially when he times your 50meter sprints in the driveway.  He means well. I will do my best to keep him at bay but wearing his favorite team’s football jersey on Sunday is out of my realm, nothing I can do about that.

I got nothing to do with this.

I got nothing to do with this.

I often wonder why you chose me to be your mom and am so incredibly grateful that you did. I will never be the perfect mother and you will never be the perfect child but you are certainly perfect for me. One special thing we will always be able to share is that we are growing up together. The bond you and I have will never be duplicated by any future siblings you may have one day, it’s only for you and I .

I can’t wait to see what great things you will do. You will fail and you will make mistakes in life and me and your dad will fail and make mistakes but we will always love you unconditionally.

I promise that I will always be honest with you and tell you like it is. I promise that I will always do my best as your mother. I promise that you will not like every decision I make for you or that I will like every decision you make for yourself. All I ask is that you promise me to do what makes you happy and that will always make me happy.

IMG_1064

On this Mother’s Day I’m not thankful to be a mother, I’m thankful to be YOUR mother. I wouldn’t replace you with any kid out there because for me, you are the most perfect “little young girl” I could ever ask for.

Love,

Mom

I fought the law and the law kicked my ass

11 Apr

I got slapped with a speeding ticket this week. Doing 91 in a 65 is apparently too fast…who knew?

I’m from Jersey. When you have a sign that says, 65 MPH it’s safe to assume the normal speed is at LEAST 85mph which means I was only going over by 6 MPH.

Logic people, logic.

driving-gif

Speed Demon

By the time I saw the officer in my rear view window, it was too late. That fucker caught me.

I swerved over to the shoulder and collected my necessary identification, waiting for the officer to approach. I glanced in the mirror to fix my lipstick and realized I had forgotten to put on makeup this morning. Shit.

This was going to be tough to get out of with no makeup on. To make matters worse, I hadn’t had my coffee. My bitchiness levels are always high before coffee.

I took a deep breathe and said to myself, “Ryan, be a nice girl. Be sweet and flash a smile.

But in reality I thought:

cchsurhz

My thoughts were interrupted by the short midget Mexican cop knocking on my back window, “Ma’m, roll down your window

I rolled down the passenger side window.

Ma’m, roll down your back window and put your hands on the steering wheel where I can see them” he was anxious and looked nervous.

I felt the bitchiness levels rising at a rapid pace…”Well, OFFICER OF THE LAW, I can’t roll the back window down if my hands are on the steering wheel. This car has bluetooth, not fucking mind-reading-tooth

Ma’m, just roll down the window

I complied as the officer peeked in to find anything illegal stashed in the back.

All he found was a left over bag of Doritos and a car seat.

I was annoyed at this point because this man felt threatened by me. Granted I had no makeup on, I’m sure he was a bit scared but still, white girl with a carseat…come on bro.

We had some unfriendly banter back and forth…

He questioned me asking why I thought I had gotten pulled over.

I responded by questioning him, why he questioned me, since he was the one who pulled me over.

He sat perplexed, which was my original plan…confuse him with questions and it worked. He smiled knowing he had been defeated and walked back to his car. He came back to the window after fifteen minutes and handed me a piece of paper…

Have a nice day. Ma’m. I cut you a break today

You cut me a break? How? You still gave me a ticket? And now you want me to have a nice day? Sure, I’ll have a nice day when you pull back on the highway and get run over by an 18 wheeler.

Kidding, I would never wish that, but seriously if it happened, I would smile a little before taking my time to call 911 on your behalf. The rage I feel for traffic cops could crush the Great Wall of China…

I sat for a minute and looked into the mirror and said…

Who could ticket this face? Who?

photo 2

I flashed myself a smile to get back on a positive note and that’s when I saw it…a massive piece of kale left over from my healthy “green” smoothie.

Fucking, kale…you ruined it!

No wonder why I got a speeding ticket, not only did I not have make up on but I had a large thing of kale just hanging out. How can anyway take you seriously with a bunch of kale shoved up in your teeth?

photo 1revise

Can YOU spot the kale?

I wished at that moment I had a time machine. If I had a time machine this would have never happened to me…I would go back to the age of 6 and make this all alright.

*Flash Back, circa 1991*

Now Ryan, wear this retainer every night till the age of 10. You will have perfect teeth and we will close that gap up nice and tight! Nothing will get in or out!

“Yes Dr. Orthodontist

Fuck that shit, I’m not wearing it.

fb7ff247f0754792910460d49d5b6eec06f3b1b2bc753b3ea6a6cc450eebee9e

If I had just listened to the damn dentist that day, I would have been happily driving myself to work on Monday morning. Humming along, thinking of a better blog post to write for this week.

AND if I had worn my retainer, I wouldn’t have shot juice through my teeth in 10th grade.

If I had not shot juice through my teeth in 10th grade, I wouldn’t have gotten made fun of by my classmates making me bitter about my teeth.

If I wasn’t bitter, I would have not been driving like a mad woman down the highway.

And if I was not driving like a bitter, mad woman, I wouldn’t have gotten pulled over for speeding with kale stuck in my teeth.

And If I didn’t have kale stuck in my slight-gaped tooth, I would have successfully gotten out of my speeding ticket.

Kale may be the god of all vegetables but it will ruin your life, especially if you didn’t wear your retainer when you were 6.

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

 

That Girl Ryan Does Stand Up Comedy

21 Mar

Here it is…my comedy routine!

I’m an inpatient bastard and couldn’t wait any longer to receive the professional taping of my routine, so I’m posting the footage one of my fans (aka my dad) captured on the night of the show.

This is the entire routine minus the last 3 seconds…it’s just missing 4 words.

Enjoy!

What did you think!?

The NFL’s Biggest Cry Baby

3 Feb

The award for the NFL’s biggest cry baby goes to…

My husband, That Boy Ryan.

QuintEvents-NFL-On-Location-Super-Bowl-XLVIII-2014-New-York-New-Jersey

Just for the record, I respect other people’s passion for important things like world peace and feeding the homeless but given my thoughts on American football, I happen to find this particular obsession just down right hilarious.

In my many past-posts about Boy Ryan I have highlighted the fact that he is a die-hard football fan who is very shy and quiet. When he has something to say, it’s rare. However, last night, during the biggest football game of the year, Boy Ryan had quite a bit to say. Nobody else gets to see this side of Boy Ryan which is why many people think I am a liar when I tell them this man has football tantrums.  So this year, instead of focusing on commercials and spectacular football plays (which I heard was nothing great anyway) I decided to record the comments Boy Ryan made during the Superbowl…quote by quote. Please note, the comments get progressively worse as the Bronco’s continued to get an ass whooping.

Scenario 1:  NFL announcers discussing past Superbowl records…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: These NFL announcers make records out of everything…guy rushes 40 yards in the first quarter, it’s a Superbowl record. I swear, next they are going to be like, “Peyton Manning just farted on the 30 yard line during the 1st quarter. America, that’s a Superbowl record!“.

Scenario 2: Bronco’s make a defensive play…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Nice Penetration! Did you see that penetration, babe? Wow, these guys really know how to penetrate.

*I have never once heard my husband use the word penetration…not even in the bedroom.

Scenario 3: Thoughts on Russell Wilson’s ethnicity…

Compared to the man in the back, I see his point.

Compared to the man in the back, I see his point.

Boy Ryan’s Comment: What is Wilson? He looks Indian but they say he’s half black…of course he says he is half black because why else would you draft a half-Indian? At least being half-black makes you halfway decent at playing football.

Scenario 4: Thoughts on Pete Carroll (Seahawks coach)…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Pete Carroll is such a cock, actually he is a grey-haired, old ugly cock.

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Scenario 5: Joe Buck makes a comment about a Seahawks play…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Are you kidding Joe Buck? Hey Joe, have you ever been to a real NFL game or do you just sit in your office and jerk off to indoor arena football all day?

Scenario 6: I make a comment about my excitement for the half-time show…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: See that is problem with “football fans”, they all just watch the Superbowl for the half-time show. You people aren’t real fans, it’s a disgrace what this country is turning into. If they aired {American} football in Canada, I’d move tomorrow.

Scenario 7: I make comment about the Redskin’s terrible record this season…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Why do you always have to talk about the Redskins like that? You have a short memory, last year they were really good. How can you be so hateful to them. Did you know that in 1997….(insert fact about Redskin’s record here)

Scenario 8: Response to Addison’s prediction that the Seahawks will win the Superbowl (She liked the Seahawk’s colors better than the Bronco’s)

If you want to speak such profanities in this house, you are going straight to bed little lady. I have had enough of your fresh mouth. While you’re at it, take off the Redskins jersey and put on your Giants jersey. I will not tolerate any remarks like that from a fellow Redskin fan while wearing the jersey.

Scenario 9: Boy Ryan’s comments throughout half-time:

bruno-mars-600

  • Burno Mars is like 5 ft tall. He looks like a woman.
  • What is with his hair?
  • Why is this guy’s music even popular? It sounds like a per-pubescent boy singing.
  • Let me know when this shit is off the T.V. screen.
  • The Red Hot Chili Peppers look old as shit and got really fat.
  • Addison, let’s brush your hair so I don’t have to watch this crap on TV right now.
photo(10)

At least he brushed her hair

Scenario 10: Boy Ryan watching me write down all of his comments during the Superbowl…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Stop writing what I am saying…this better not be going in your blog. Seriously Ryan, this is not funny.

And last, That Boy Ryan’s post-game remarks…

Well, that sucked. The Seahawks basically won the Superbowl based on a bunch of fluke plays. Now Russell Wilson will tell all the reporters that god helped him win and Malcolm Smith, who I have never heard of, will win MVP. Seahawks didn’t deserve to win, they all suck like their cock of a coach. Can’t wait till I see all the annoying bandwagon fans who are going to buy Seahawk jerseys now so they can act like they actually enjoy football. Lame. Totally lame game. Lame commercials. Lame season. 

(shuts TV off and rolls over on his side. Light sniffling is heard throughout the night.)

Such a crybaby

Such a crybaby

Things I have learned about my husband; he is a very sore-loser and might love football more than he does himself. However as for me, I couldn’t be happier that the NFL season has come to a close…finally my life can get back to normal without having to comfort NFL’s biggest baby.

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