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26 going on 40

Good god, are we doing this again? Happy Birthday To Me!

Photoshop Cred to my wonderful coworker

^ FYI this was the birthday invitation sent out to my company by coworkers-I deserve a promotion

I’m 26. I’m still at the age where I’m not afraid to admit my age. I cried last year when I turned 25 but I have realized that as I get older I am really starting to figure shit out…so I’m pretty happy to be turning 26. Plus, I feel a lot older than I am and wouldn’t mind my age catching up a bit. I know that sounds horrible but when you prefer the company of people in their 40’s to people in their 20’s, you begin to feel impatient. While the rest of my 20 something generation is trying to find a special purpose in life, I’m over here like shit, is it time to retire to Florida yet?

I’m 26 going on 40 and I know I’m getting older because…

1. I finally understand the power of a hand towel

I never got the point of hand towels, I thought they were just over sized wash cloths with no purpose. This was until I started purchasing hand soap to place in my bathroom- you know to wash your hands-and now I understand the need for a small-but-not-too-small towel to dry your hands.

Hand Towels are awesome!

2. My routine is my life

I go to bed super early, like 9:30pm early.

There is a method to this madness…If I don’t go to bed at 9:30, I won’t wake up for my 5:30am workout. If I don’t work out, I eat fatty foods, If I eat fatty foods all day long, I am cranky when I get home. When I am cranky, nobody wants to talk to me.

I am a slave to my weekday routine which is why I decline invites on weeknights. Don’t ask me to get drinks because I will say no. If you want to come to my house, it’s all good between the hours of 6-9. If you are not out the door by 9:15, I officially don’t like you anymore.

#I’mLame

3. My Hair is getting shorter

I never understood why people grow up and cut off all of their hair.

“I’ll never do that”

Guess what, I did. Chopped all 8 inches of my hippie hair.

People, I’m about 2 inches away from a MOM cut. Help me.

4. I got called, “boring”

I told my 24 year old co worker the highlights of my weekend which include catching up on Netflix shows and drinking craft beers on the couch and she called me boring. I laughed it off at first and then went home and cried about it because it’s true.

5. Old people hangovers

I remember the days of drinking until 4am, sleeping for 4 hours than waking up and starting all over again without hesitation. Now I drink three beers and have to raid my medicine cabinet.Plus if the night doesn’t start by 8pm and end by 11pm, it’s not happening.

6. If you are 22 years of age or younger, you will think I am a pessimist.

<22 yr old says, “I can’t wait to work!”

I say, “Give it a year, you will hate it”

<22 yr old says, “I just want to be free and travel the world before settling down”

I say,“You won’t have enough money to do that alone.”

<22 yr old says, “I know I’m going to be an executive by the age of 30”

I say, “Maybe, but you should probably move out of your parent’s house first.”

Pffttt…Kids these days.

7. I hired a cleaning lady

First sign of grown up success.

8. Dislike driving at night

Hello, grandma. Scary things happen to your eyes at night.

9. I pay attention to Public Works Announcements

Trash day happens every Tuesday, Leaf pick up day is once a month and there is no recycling enforced in my town…which pisses me off.

So pissed I actually sent a letter complaining…

10. I have a strong desire to make my own food

Like pizza and Stromboli. It doesn’t matter I can drive down the street and buy it from the pizza place, I just want to make it at home.

11. I know the difference between Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon

And prefer to drink it out of a bottle, not a bag.

12. Infomercials are starting to get highly convincing

I am the proud owner of a magic bullet. I use it 2x a year.

I currently have my eye on the “lettuce spinner”, looks like something I just need.

I’m looking forward to 26, I can’t imagine what old people habits I will pick up this year! Let’s just hope 26 doesn’t bring on any grey hairs or cracking knees!

Tags: American, birthday post, Blog, happy birthday, Humor, Laugh, Life, Personal, Ryan, Thoughts, Women

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Life, Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

The Date Ditcher

21 Oct

It happened. It happened to me. I never thought it would.

But how?! Was it my text? The way I responded? Maybe I seemed too over-eager to meet up. I tend to get a little excited about new relationships.

This was my first time, I thought I did everything right. We met at a party and hit it off right away. We kept in touch every now and again and exchanged facebook friend requests. Then one night, after finding the courage in 3 glasses of wine, I sent a text asking to meet up and it worked! We set a date and time and double confirmed the details. The day came and I could barely contain my excitement. I showered, shaved and even put on my new fall booties. I anxiously awaited by the door as the time neared closer to the hour you said you were arriving but you never came. You never showed up. You never rescheduled. You never even cancelled!

Yes, I got stood up…on a date… on a play date.

I normally don’t do play dates. The thought of sitting in a stranger’s house while our kids play and leave us to small chit chat is excruciating. Especially when there is no wine involved. I went with my daughter to one birthday party/ play date and it was probably the worst thing ever. I’m not sure which was more painful, the fact that each and every kid at the party had a melt down or that people assumed I was the 18 year old babysitter hired to help.

Yea, play dates aren’t really my thing.

But they almost were…last year at a party, I met a girl that I had gone to high school with. I found out she had a son who is close in age with my daughter and immediately we hit it off. By the end of the night, we had decided we should get together; the kids could run themselves tired while we drank wine and complained about them running wild.

It sounded like a dream play date come true.

Basically, I tend to get really overly excited when I meet new people. I am that over-eager friend. When you say, “we should get together soon” I respond with, “how about tomorrow”? Yea, I’m one of those people. Making friends out of college is a tough task. You no longer have drinking buddies or Sunday brunch besties. As you each begin to start new jobs and get married, you are lucky if you keep 2-3 friends from college. Sure, you can make work friends but all you really have in common is work and all you probably do is bitch about your boss. So to say that I was a tad excited for this meet up is a bit of an understatement. For this play date I went out and bought a cheese spread…Yes, A MOTHER FUCKING CHEESE SPREAD.

This was serious.

Our guests were to arrive at 2pm and confirmed earlier that morning we were still on. I did some last minute cleaning, brushed my dogs so they were less smelly then before and sat patiently on the couch awaiting their arrival….

2:00 ….Ok, it’s time! I’m sure they will be here any minute now.

2:15….silly me, nobody arrives right on time, she is probably just being fashionably late.

2:30….Maybe they stopped to pick up some desserts.

2:35….They must have hit a detour in the road

2:40…I hope they arn’t dead

2:45…They are definitely dead

2: 50…I’ll send a text

Text : Hey! Are you guys on your way?!

3:00…No response

3:15…Ok, Seriously this is rude, the cheese is melting

3:20...I’ll start an episode of Scandal while I’m waiting

3: 30…Shit, I ate all of the cheese

4:00…Fuck it, I’m changing out of my bra and watching NetFlix

4:30…Drank entire bottle of wine and fell asleep

Can you believe I never received a response or cancellation from this girl?

Look, when a man stands you up on a date it’s expected because men are douche bags, but women, women know to cancel plans. They either reschedule or come up with a half believable excuse as to why they can’t make it. This girl straight up just went missing in action. I even kept an eye on the news in case I heard about a mother and son that were taken hostage!

For two days I had no idea what happened or if this girl was even still alive. Lucky for me, the world is small and I found out she planned a birthday party for her son the same day as our play date was scheduled.

Ok? Weird? Maybe she forgot about the birthday party? Some people might forget a planned birthday party for their kid…right? But still, shoot me a simple text like, HEY-gotta reschedule, totes forgot my kid’s birthday party is today!

WHAT IS THAT? Why are people so damn weird?! I got a cheese spread for crying out loud!

At least Addison sees right through the bullshit. When I asked about her thoughts on being ditched on her first play date, this is what she said,

“This whole situation is awkward and so is that kid’s mom.”

Well said.

Tags: Blog, Funny, Girl, Gossip, Humor, Laugh, Laughs, mommy, Personal, Play dates, Ryan, Status, that girl ryan, Women

Comments 8 Comments
Categories Life, Parentals, Women
Author rynolexson

She Got It From Her Mama

9 May

Re-Posting this from last year, it’s too priceless not to share again!

Enjoy Mother’s day Weekend Everyone!

If you haven’t gotten your mother anything by this point in time, its too late. Running to CVS to buy a last minute bath set is TOO obvious. You might as well make a card and write a nice poem, mothers always seem to enjoy that.

Available at your local CVS Store

Although, if my daughter grows up and writes me a poem for a gift, I might be offended. Let’s see- I pushed you out , stayed up many nights with you while you threw up, shit, and drooled all over me and all you can write is a poem? Yea, maybe that’s not the best idea, stick with the CVS bath-set.

Anyways, id thought this year I’d do something special different for my mom.

She has been tip-toeing around me, on her best behavior for fear that my next blog post would be about her and her darkest secrets…

Well mom, the wait is over, NOW is YOUR moment!

Let me just say, my mom is an amazing woman. She is the best person I know and I wouldn’t be me without her. She has taught me to be strong, motivated and to never apologize for being myself. She has also been my best friend since the age of 20 (because during the teen years, your supposed to hate your mom).

That being said, Ive learned a lot from my mother and there are some things I think are worth sharing.

1. Saturdays are for cleaning

In school Fridays were never about Pizza Day or the day before the weekend. Fridays for me were The day before cleaning day. Saturday was ALWAYS cleaning day. If the apocalypse hits on a Friday, your still shit out of luck because your ass is getting up at 7am on Saturday and cleaning. When we finally got a cleaning lady I thought all my chore problems would go away but no, Saturdays became the day to clean before the cleaning lady.

2. Girls Always Wipe From Front to Back

I’ve always wondered why? No idea, but it might have something to do with my vagina. 24 years and counting of Yeast infection sobriety. Thanks mom.

3. Fashionably late never exists

My mother shows up everywhere 30 minutes early. Know those people in your life that you show up late to EVERYTHING. Like you send them a different party invite with the start time earlier than it is? Well my mom is the opposite. She is the person you change the invitation to say 30 minutes later…

4. Never shave the tops of your legs

I listened to this advice till about 8^th grade. Then one day I wore shorts and I was deemed “Hairy Tops”. I never got why she thought you shouldn’t shave the tops of your legs, until I noticed the tops of her legs aren’t the only thing she skips out on shaving. Now, I understand.

5. Photogenic ability is a gift, not a right and sometimes my mom just doesn’t have it…

Like this…

Or This…

Resemblance?

And Finally This…

Well nobody looks good in this one.

6. Once you go black, you never go back

This was in reference to a white girl dating a black guy. I always assumed it was negative. Then I started hearing the rumor that black guys got big “Disco Sticks”. Now I’m starting to see the truth. Once you have had black, there Aint NO REASON to go back to white. You Go Mama-O

7. Never put a TV in your bedroom, it’s unproductive

According to Mama-O, the bedroom is for sleeping and “something else”. The minute I moved out, I put a TV in my bedroom and realized that watching TV in bed while doing “something else” is multitasking.

Speaking of “Something Else” that reminds me:

8. The “Sex Conversation” doesn’t have to be a conversation at all

When I learned what sex was at the age of 7, I went home, disturbed, and ask my mother

“I learned about sex today…you and dad don’t do that do you?”

“Yes we do and you should feel lucky that your parents still have sex very regularly after this many years of marriage”

-END CONVERSATION-

9. She Puts All Hand Talkers to Shame

10. You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide

I remember a day when my mom owned that ugly box 90’s van, light blue to be exact. My sister and I ran away from home, I was 7, Sam was 2. We packed our barbies in a suitcase and planned to skip town. We made it to the local playground and hid out. After about an hour (Yea, it took an hour for her to notice her bundles of joy were missing)I see my mother’s van speeding up and down the street like a mad woman. By the way she was driving, she was mad-I mean pissed off- gunna kick my ass -mad. She found us partly because it was dinner time and I was hungry and because two blondes hiding in a slide were a dead give-away.

When you saw this, it was all over

11. No dinner table conversation is off limits

My family has the most inappropriate dinner conversations. Some topics have included; how big my sisters poop was, the importance of using condoms. But the one that takes the cake; My mother bragging that my father didn’t need Viagra at the age of 49 in which my youngest sister replied, “What’s Viagra?”

More Sausages anyone?

12. Punishments get easier with sibling order

My sister and I grew up during a time when spanking was still OK. It was never considered child abuse. We would stuff towels in our pants before we knew we were going to get spank to ease the hand of my parents. Our little tactic worked well until my sister started laughing hysterically while she was getting spanked-mom caught on real quick.

Now I see my youngest sister get punished and there is no spanking, not even a threat of spanking. Her punishment is “Go to your room and play your with your kindle-your punished” I was definitely born in the wrong order.

13. You will always be responsible for raising your male spouse

This is so true and I wished I listened to this piece of advice a little more. Not only do I have remind my husband to change his underwear, but I also have to shop for his outfits and teach him how to chop onions. Step it up Boy-Mothers, your children are killing us women.

14. There are two types of people in this world, those who are Chowns and those who want to be Chowns

Chown is my mother’s maiden name. I always thought this saying meant Chown women were long legged, tall and have gorgeous million dollar smiles. But recently, my sisters boyfriend clued me into what this REALLY means. When my sister asked him:

“What do us “O” girls have in common with our mom”

To which her boyfriend replied:

“Everything. Your boobs, you all have nice boobies”

AND That is what it means to be a Chown or want to be a Chown- It’s all in the Boobs.

15. White Girls Can Dance

16. Love is a Choice

The best and last thing I have learned from my mother is that Love is a Choice. You don’t fall in love, you choose to love and this piece of advice I TRY to live by everyday. There are some days that this choice is difficult and days that it is impossible, but I wake up each day choosing to love not only my spouse, but everything and everyone around me.

Mom, I hope you can choose to love me after this blog post.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/daily-prompt-mom/

Tags: 90s Van, American, Blog, CVS, Funny, Girl, Gossip, health, Humor, Kids, Laugh, Life, Love, Moms, Mothers, Mothers day, Old Parents, Parents, Personal, Poop, Ryan, Silly, Thoughts, White girls can dance, Women

Comments 12 Comments
Categories Life, Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

A Letter From Your Mother

8 May

To the little girl who calls me mother,

I wanted to write you a letter this Mother’s Day because you are the reason I am being celebrated for my MILF status (I threw in the MILF part).

You are only 4 years old but at 4, you blow me away.

Before you came, my life was like any typical college kid my age. The world was my oyster and my five year plan was as solid as a brick wall. You were a factor that I had never considered.

Doing my typical college thing

When I found out about you, I was only 20, still a baby myself in many ways. Like the fact that I still didn’t know how to wash a load of laundry without shrinking everything in it.

Two weeks before I took that pregnancy test, I competed in a college Beer Olympics with your dad. I must have drank between 12-15 beers, chugging them as fast as I could. Sorry about that. Your little peanut fetus must have had as much of a hangover as I did. However, your dad and I won the Olympics so that trophy you stare at on the wall was well worth it.

Dad was super excited with his winning Russian hat.

Then there was that time when I was about 7 months pregnant and turned 21. Instead of getting wasted on my birthday, I got loaded on raw-free sushi. No complaints here, I’m sure you were just as happy as I was that night.

That same week my doctor said I could have a glass of red wine, my first drink of alcohol since the Beer Olympics. I ordered a red sangria…I thought it was red wine with fruit. Sometimes young mothers are stupid. Halfway through that sangria I realized that it was filled with more than just red wine. Between the slight buzz and the angry looks from other people in that restaurant, I should have noticed sooner. My bad.

This explains everything

When you were born, you were not the cutest newborn. You were purple and had a slight resemblance to the asian gas station attendant down the street. I’m sure your dad was a bit concerned but didn’t say a word.

Do you see what I’m saying?

As you filled out and got your chubby baby rolls, you became the prettiest little thing I had ever seen. You had bright blue eyes like your dad, my smile and your own unique laugh that was contagious. You should have been the poster baby for GAP, you made Prince George look like a pile of elephant shit.

Can’t handle the adorableness…Neither could GAP

Heart Melted.

When you were about 8 months old I brought you shopping with a friend…a non-baby-experienced, friend. She took you into a dressing room while I finished getting my hair done and sat you on a dressing room table. Of course you fell off and bumped your head. She brought you back to me wailing, your head looked like Worf from Star Trek.

That was a bad day for you.

I felt terrible, probably not as terrible as my friend but that was the first time I questioned if I was good mother. The minute I coddled you in my arms and kissed your boo-boo, you calmed down and smiled letting me it was ok. I left with my hair half done, but I didn’t have to pay for it so it worked out. Needless to say, my friend will not be allowed to take you shopping until you are at least 10.

By 2 years old, you mastered the art of a taking a selfie before it was even an art to master. You would take my IPhone and snap pictures of yourself for me to find. You don’t know this but your secret selfies got me through Monday mornings.

Awesome in a selfie

At 3 years old, you were more mature and smarter than most kids your age. You are an old soul. I know this because you asked me one day to stop calling you a baby. You said, “I am 3 years old and should be called a little young girl“. It broke my heart a little bit but it was a fair request. Or that time you wanted to use your Chuckie E Cheese money to buy a Dora doll. You insisted on using your own money to buy what you wanted. At 3, you already were an independent “little young girl.” Beyonce would be proud.

Independent women don’t give a F*$#! in Crayola Factory

Now at 4 years old you continue to amaze me. When we went camping and a wild animal ate all your marsh mellows, I did my best to keep you calm by explaining that we would get you more. You simply looked at me and said, “Fuck it, whatever. It’s no big deal”. I should have scolded you for using profanity or put you in time out but I was so impressed you used it in the right context that I couldn’t. All I had to do was explain that “Fuck” is an adult word and should be used by adults. You now you reprimand me for using it and say, “12 year old girls shouldn’t use that word.” I hope you think I’m still 12 in a couple of years.

“Mom!”

I love when you make me laugh uncontrollably, which happens often. Especially that time we went for a 5 minute walk and you told me your boobs hurt from walking so much. You told me you wanted to lay down so you could rest your boobs from such a strenuous hike.

After two years, Dad and I finally found the secret to keeping you a clean kid. Who would of known the detachable shower head would be the trick to get you to bathe more than 2x a week. My outlook for your hygiene is now bright.

The god of all clean children

As you get older, you are turning into a little me. I worry about your dad’s sanity. Having two of me in one house might be a bit much for him. We may not find most of his jokes funny, but he is crazy about us. You will find out soon enough that he is wrapped around your finger and always will be. Give him a break every now and again, he tries his best to keep up with your mile-a-minute stories. And I know his dreams of you becoming the first female NFL player are excessive, especially when he times your 50meter sprints in the driveway. He means well. I will do my best to keep him at bay but wearing his favorite team’s football jersey on Sunday is out of my realm, nothing I can do about that.

I got nothing to do with this.

I often wonder why you chose me to be your mom and am so incredibly grateful that you did. I will never be the perfect mother and you will never be the perfect child but you are certainly perfect for me. One special thing we will always be able to share is that we are growing up together. The bond you and I have will never be duplicated by any future siblings you may have one day, it’s only for you and I .

I can’t wait to see what great things you will do. You will fail and you will make mistakes in life and me and your dad will fail and make mistakes but we will always love you unconditionally.

I promise that I will always be honest with you and tell you like it is. I promise that I will always do my best as your mother. I promise that you will not like every decision I make for you or that I will like every decision you make for yourself. All I ask is that you promise me to do what makes you happy and that will always make me happy.

On this Mother’s Day I’m not thankful to be a mother, I’m thankful to be YOUR mother. I wouldn’t replace you with any kid out there because for me, you are the most perfect “little young girl” I could ever ask for.

Love,

Mom

Tags: American, Blog, finish the sentence friday, Funny, Girl, Gossip, Humor, Laugh, Life, Love, Mothers day, Personal, Ryan, Status, Thoughts

Comments 20 Comments
Categories Blogger Stuff, Life, Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

I fought the law and the law kicked my ass

11 Apr

I got slapped with a speeding ticket this week. Doing 91 in a 65 is apparently too fast…who knew?

I’m from Jersey. When you have a sign that says, 65 MPH it’s safe to assume the normal speed is at LEAST 85mph which means I was only going over by 6 MPH.

Logic people, logic.

Speed Demon

By the time I saw the officer in my rear view window, it was too late. That fucker caught me.

I swerved over to the shoulder and collected my necessary identification, waiting for the officer to approach. I glanced in the mirror to fix my lipstick and realized I had forgotten to put on makeup this morning. Shit.

This was going to be tough to get out of with no makeup on. To make matters worse, I hadn’t had my coffee. My bitchiness levels are always high before coffee.

I took a deep breathe and said to myself, “Ryan, be a nice girl. Be sweet and flash a smile.”

But in reality I thought:

My thoughts were interrupted by the ~~short~~ midget Mexican cop knocking on my back window, “Ma’m, roll down your window”

I rolled down the passenger side window.

“Ma’m, roll down your back window and put your hands on the steering wheel where I can see them” he was anxious and looked nervous.

I felt the bitchiness levels rising at a rapid pace…”Well, OFFICER OF THE LAW, I can’t roll the back window down if my hands are on the steering wheel. This car has bluetooth, not fucking mind-reading-tooth”

“Ma’m, just roll down the window”

I complied as the officer peeked in to find anything illegal stashed in the back.

All he found was a left over bag of Doritos and a car seat.

I was annoyed at this point because this man felt threatened by me. Granted I had no makeup on, I’m sure he was a bit scared but still, white girl with a carseat…come on bro.

We had some unfriendly banter back and forth…

He questioned me asking why I thought I had gotten pulled over.

I responded by questioning him, why he questioned me, since he was the one who pulled me over.

He sat perplexed, which was my original plan…confuse him with questions and it worked. He smiled knowing he had been defeated and walked back to his car. He came back to the window after fifteen minutes and handed me a piece of paper…

“Have a nice day. Ma’m. I cut you a break today”

You cut me a break? How? You still gave me a ticket? And now you want me to have a nice day? Sure, I’ll have a nice day when you pull back on the highway and get run over by an 18 wheeler.

Kidding, I would never wish that, but seriously if it happened, I would smile a little before taking my time to call 911 on your behalf. The rage I feel for traffic cops could crush the Great Wall of China…

I sat for a minute and looked into the mirror and said…

Who could ticket this face? Who?

I flashed myself a smile to get back on a positive note and that’s when I saw it…a massive piece of kale left over from my healthy “green” smoothie.

Fucking, kale…you ruined it!

No wonder why I got a speeding ticket, not only did I not have make up on but I had a large thing of kale just hanging out. How can anyway take you seriously with a bunch of kale shoved up in your teeth?

Can YOU spot the kale?

I wished at that moment I had a time machine. If I had a time machine this would have never happened to me…I would go back to the age of 6 and make this all alright.

*Flash Back, circa 1991*

“Now Ryan, wear this retainer every night till the age of 10. You will have perfect teeth and we will close that gap up nice and tight! Nothing will get in or out!”

“Yes Dr. Orthodontist”

Fuck that shit, I’m not wearing it.

If I had just listened to the damn dentist that day, I would have been happily driving myself to work on Monday morning. Humming along, thinking of a better blog post to write for this week.

AND if I had worn my retainer, I wouldn’t have shot juice through my teeth in 10th grade.

If I had not shot juice through my teeth in 10th grade, I wouldn’t have gotten made fun of by my classmates making me bitter about my teeth.

If I wasn’t bitter, I would have not been driving like a mad woman down the highway.

And if I was not driving like a bitter, mad woman, I wouldn’t have gotten pulled over for speeding with kale stuck in my teeth.

And If I didn’t have kale stuck in my slight-gaped tooth, I would have successfully gotten out of my speeding ticket.

Kale may be the god of all vegetables but it will ruin your life, especially if you didn’t wear your retainer when you were 6.

Tags: Blog, cop, finish the sentence friday, Funny, Gossip, Humor, kale, Laugh, Life, Personal, Ryan, teeth, Women

Comments 16 Comments
Categories Blogger Stuff, Life
Author rynolexson

That Girl Ryan Does Stand Up Comedy

21 Mar

Here it is…my comedy routine!

I’m an inpatient bastard and couldn’t wait any longer to receive the professional taping of my routine, so I’m posting the footage one of my fans (aka my dad) captured on the night of the show.

This is the entire routine minus the last 3 seconds…it’s just missing 4 words.

Enjoy!

What did you think!?

Tags: comedy, Funny, health, Humor, Laugh, Life, Love, routine, Ryan, stand up comedy, Status, that girl ryan, Thoughts, Women

Comments 10 Comments
Categories Blogger Stuff, Life, Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

The NFL’s Biggest Cry Baby

3 Feb

The award for the NFL’s biggest cry baby goes to…

My husband, That Boy Ryan.

Just for the record, I respect other people’s passion for important things like world peace and feeding the homeless but given my thoughts on American football, I happen to find this particular obsession just down right hilarious.

In my many past-posts about Boy Ryan I have highlighted the fact that he is a die-hard football fan who is very shy and quiet. When he has something to say, it’s rare. However, last night, during the biggest football game of the year, Boy Ryan had quite a bit to say. Nobody else gets to see this side of Boy Ryan which is why many people think I am a liar when I tell them this man has football tantrums. So this year, instead of focusing on commercials and spectacular football plays (which I heard was nothing great anyway) I decided to record the comments Boy Ryan made during the Superbowl…quote by quote. Please note, the comments get progressively worse as the Bronco’s continued to get an ass whooping.

Scenario 1: NFL announcers discussing past Superbowl records…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: These NFL announcers make records out of everything…guy rushes 40 yards in the first quarter, it’s a Superbowl record. I swear, next they are going to be like, “Peyton Manning just farted on the 30 yard line during the 1st quarter. America, that’s a Superbowl record!“.

Scenario 2: Bronco’s make a defensive play…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Nice Penetration! Did you see that penetration, babe? Wow, these guys really know how to penetrate.

*I have never once heard my husband use the word penetration…not even in the bedroom.

Scenario 3: Thoughts on Russell Wilson’s ethnicity…

Compared to the man in the back, I see his point.

Boy Ryan’s Comment: What is Wilson? He looks Indian but they say he’s half black…of course he says he is half black because why else would you draft a half-Indian? At least being half-black makes you halfway decent at playing football.

Scenario 4: Thoughts on Pete Carroll (Seahawks coach)…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Pete Carroll is such a cock, actually he is a grey-haired, old ugly cock.

nfl_a_carroll_gb1_576x324

Scenario 5: Joe Buck makes a comment about a Seahawks play…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Are you kidding Joe Buck? Hey Joe, have you ever been to a real NFL game or do you just sit in your office and jerk off to indoor arena football all day?

Scenario 6: I make a comment about my excitement for the half-time show…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: See that is problem with “football fans”, they all just watch the Superbowl for the half-time show. You people aren’t real fans, it’s a disgrace what this country is turning into. If they aired {American} football in Canada, I’d move tomorrow.

Scenario 7: I make comment about the Redskin’s terrible record this season…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Why do you always have to talk about the Redskins like that? You have a short memory, last year they were really good. How can you be so hateful to them. Did you know that in 1997….(insert fact about Redskin’s record here)

Scenario 8: Response to Addison’s prediction that the Seahawks will win the Superbowl (She liked the Seahawk’s colors better than the Bronco’s)

If you want to speak such profanities in this house, you are going straight to bed little lady. I have had enough of your fresh mouth. While you’re at it, take off the Redskins jersey and put on your Giants jersey. I will not tolerate any remarks like that from a fellow Redskin fan while wearing the jersey.

Scenario 9: Boy Ryan’s comments throughout half-time:

bruno-mars-600

Burno Mars is like 5 ft tall. He looks like a woman.
What is with his hair?
Why is this guy’s music even popular? It sounds like a per-pubescent boy singing.
Let me know when this shit is off the T.V. screen.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers look old as shit and got really fat.
Addison, let’s brush your hair so I don’t have to watch this crap on TV right now.

At least he brushed her hair

Scenario 10: Boy Ryan watching me write down all of his comments during the Superbowl…

Boy Ryan’s Comment: Stop writing what I am saying…this better not be going in your blog. Seriously Ryan, this is not funny.

And last, That Boy Ryan’s post-game remarks…

Well, that sucked. The Seahawks basically won the Superbowl based on a bunch of fluke plays. Now Russell Wilson will tell all the reporters that god helped him win and Malcolm Smith, who I have never heard of, will win MVP. Seahawks didn’t deserve to win, they all suck like their cock of a coach. Can’t wait till I see all the annoying bandwagon fans who are going to buy Seahawk jerseys now so they can act like they actually enjoy football. Lame. Totally lame game. Lame commercials. Lame season.

(shuts TV off and rolls over on his side. Light sniffling is heard throughout the night.)

Such a crybaby

Things I have learned about my husband; he is a very sore-loser and might love football more than he does himself. However as for me, I couldn’t be happier that the NFL season has come to a close…finally my life can get back to normal without having to comfort NFL’s biggest baby.

Tags: American, Blog, Bruno Mars superbowl 2014, Football, Funny, Humor, Laugh, Life, Marriage, NFL, Personal, Superbowl 2014, That Boy ryan, Thoughts, Women

Comments 9 Comments
Categories Life, Uncategorized, Women
Author rynolexson

That Time Cheesy Bread Turned Me Into A Lesbian

31 Jan

A funny thing happened on the way home from a track meet…

I think I have mentioned before that me at 18 was nothing short of a total douchebag, I apologize to my parents everyday for it. Before I tell this story, I will apologize again, I’m really sorry for being a douchebag.

It was winter track season of my senior year in high school and I was on my way home from a track meet. About 30 minutes into my drive, I hit a stretch of traffic that left me in a slow crawl for 15 miles. Hitting random stretches of traffic in New Jersey is not unusual.

FACT: New Jersians spend half of their life sitting in traffic.

Driving, doing my thing

Luckily, my teammate was carpooling home with me and helped to pass the time with Rent duets and celebrity impressions. To set the scene a little further, it was pouring rain and we had both finished a taxing track race; the 400 meter hurdles. If you are familiar with track, the 400 meter hurdle race is harder than childbirth, you might as well jump off a building when you find out you have to run it. Anyways, as we passed the time…we came to notice an admirer driving a Honda Accord next to us.

He was probably about 23 or so and had big blue eyes with curly blonde hair styled like Matthew McConaughey’s. My teammate and I were instantly captured by his smiles. The flirting was subtle at first, his car would pull up next to us, he would flash a smile and take off again. We would inch up to his car, blow a kiss and giggle as we pulled away. After about 20 minutes or so of this traffic flirting, things started to get more complicated. We began writing notes and putting them up against the window for him to read like, “UR HOTT” or “HONDA’S GOT BACK”. One even read, “HONK IF UR INTO US!”. Childish yes, but so much fun up until my stomach started growling. As I was getting closer to a Red Lobster restaurant, my hunger could no longer be avoided.

“Damn, i’m starving.” I said to my teammate.

“Me Too! We should stop for food at Red Lobster, get some cheesy bread”.

“You just read my mind but I’m broke, I spent my last $10 on hair spray last night. I wanted to go all out for 80’s day at school tomorrow.”

“Ugh I’m broke too, I have about $5 left in my bank account.”

Then an idea hit me…I wasn’t sure if it would work but I was willing to try. After all, Red Lobster cheesy bread was at stake here.

“How bad do you want cheesy bread right now?” I asked.

“I might sell my leg for just a bite.”

I rolled down my window as we caught up again to Mr. Honda and motioned for him to do the same. “Hey there cutie! We were going to grab something to eat at Red Lobster, want to join?” I yelled across the lanes.

“Uhh, ok? Yea Sure, meet me in the parking lot.” He yelled back.

Sweet, Mission Cheesy Bread was in motion.

When it comes to cheesy bread…no stopping me

We figured out early in life that men will do whatever necessary to get laid, even if it means buying dinner for complete strangers. A free meal at Red Lobster was going to happen.

First things first, we needed fake names and cover stories because after all, this guy was a complete stranger. She would be Carmen, the 23 year old zoologist. I would be Carrie, the 24 year old Park Ranger. We tided up the details of our stories and prepared to exit the car with our new identities.

When Mr. Honda stepped out of the car, I immediately regretted my decision to go through with the plan. He was 5’2, almost the size of a large hobbit. I also noticed his left shoe was higher than the right shoe and he parked in a handicap spot. “Why hello beautiful ladies, what an honor it is to eat with you BOTH.” He said with a slight lisp as he limped toward the entrance to the restaurant. I put my head into my hands as he opened the door for us. I will definitely be going to hell for this one, I just wasn’t above using a handicapped man with a lisp for free cheesy bread.

As we sat down, the cheesy bread was delivered to our table, my teammate and I scarfed down all 6 rolls. Mr. Honda Hobbit was too busy talking to notice. We found out his name was Howard and he was born with one leg shorter than the other. It never stopped him though. He went on to describe how he played basketball on the weekends with his wheelchair buddies. He also worked in construction building houses for charity. He did mention however, that currently he was suspended from his job due to a pending criminal investigation, which included some sort of assault with a nail gun. He was asked to quit work until it resolved. Cool, Howard the Honda Hobbit was a dangerous handicap criminal and here I was sharing a meal with him.

Howard really wasn’t so bad, minus the assault thing but when his instinctual male-mind kicked in toward the end of our dinner, things got weird, “So what are you ladies up to tonight? I was thinking we could move this party to my place.”

Trying to be as nice as I could, I made up an easy-out excuse, “Well, Carmen has to get home to see her parents, its been a while and she misses them.”

Howard then replied, “That’s a shame, well if Carmen can’t make it, then how about you and I go back, Carrie? I’ll take you home, wrap you up real nice and make you squeal like a piggy!“.

When you say those words, I see this man.

I almost vomited in my mouth. Not only did Howard just quote Deliverance with a lisp but he was pushing hard to make sure this dinner was worth his money. This was check-mate. How would I get out of this? If I told him to get lost, we would be stuck paying for the bill with our non-existent money and if I went home with him…well, that was never an option. I wasn’t going anywhere with some criminal, half-midget in a Honda named Howard.

Acting quickly, my teammate grabbed my hand and held it to her lips, “Actually Howard, we are a couple. Carrie is coming home with me to meet my parents and we are worried about how they will react to this whole thing so we just wanted some company to keep our mind off of it.” She squeezed my hand to get me to play along.

“Yea, we are most definitely a couple. We aren’t into guys, strictly girls. We are totally on the straight and narrow…erh in a gay kind of way.” I answered.

Thank god Howard the Honda Hobbit had a heart, he smiled with sincerity and said, “My pleasure ladies, sorry for the mix-up. However, I’d love to hear how you two met. I’ll throw in dinner with dessert if you can stay a little longer.”

So there we were sitting with Howard over dessert explaining the intimate moments of how we met and became to be a lesbian couple. Carmen shared her coming out of the closet story and I, as Carrie, shared mine. Howard was intrigued by our experiences and even got a little choked up at one point as we described our future dream wedding together; we had both decided to wear wedding dresses. Mine would be pink.

After dessert was finished, Howard paid the bill and walked us out to our car, hugging us goodbye. He thanked us for the company and wished us well. We got into my car and sat for a moment to adjust to the entire situation.

“Did we really just do all that for cheesy bread?” My teammate asked me.

“Yea, Cheesy bread just turned us into lesbians.”

I started up my car, turned on the Rent soundtrack and continued my drive home in silence.

driving-gif

Tags: Blog, cheesy bread, finish the sentence, Funny, Girl, Humor, Laugh, Love, red lobster, Ryan, Status, Thoughts, Women

Comments 35 Comments
Categories Blogger Stuff, Life, Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

Thank God for Tequila and Crappy Birth Control

30 Jan

Do you ever wonder what if? What if you had made one decision differently? How would your life change?

Maybe you would be a rock star right now. Or maybe you would be a millionaire. Maybe not, but you never know.

The possibilities of “What If” are endless. Everything in this moment IS the way it IS because of tiny small decisions…Whoa, deep thoughts for a Thursday, I know.

Cinco-De-Mayo in 2009 was most likely the night my surprise daughter came about. Drenched in Tequila after a day’s worth of drinking, Boy Ryan and I would have never guessed our little Mexican celebration dance would result in a series of events that would become our life.

Tequila+ Stupidity=Children

I often wonder, “What if my daughter was never born?” Not in like a bad way, actually sometimes, when she throws tantrums, but most of the time as just a thought. What would my life be like If I didn’t have children? Would it be better? Would it be worse? My life would probably be a lot easier and I’d be way cooler.

Who am I kidding, my life would be awesome. There are so many perks to being a child-less person…

1. I would never have to share the T.V…

instead, I have to watch this shit

What the F#$% is this anyway?

2. I could sleep off all my hangovers…

Instead, I have to wake-up to this:

3. I wouldn’t be so lame…

Instead, I get excited about…

7pm…

PARTY TIME….

4. I would never have to answer to the name, “Mommy”…

Instead, I have to hear it over and over and over again

5. I would have real hobbies…

Instead, my hobbies are Barbies and dress-up

Ariel and Eric’s Wedding…3rd time this week

I’m always cast as Mary Poppins…not bad eh?

6. My biggest worry would be my social calendar…

Instead, I worry about well balanced dinners

This is healthy right?

7. My goals would be more adventurous:

1. Travel the world

2. Hike Mt. Vesuvius

3. Wear a bathing suit thong in public

Instead, my goals are totally unrealistic:

1. Stay up past 11pm on a Friday night

2. Teach my kid to wipe her own ass, correctly

3. Have a clean house for a week

8. My house wouldn’t be such a disaster…

Instead, I brace myself when cleaning.

This is Styrofoam found under the pillow

Styrofoam underneath pillows

Dirty underwear in MY bed

Dirty underwear in my bed.

I asked my kid why she didn’t put her dirty underwear in the laundry bin. She replied, “This is dad’s underwear.”

Note to self: If my husband is wearing Cinderella underwear in size 4T, I may have to re-evaluate the marriage.

What is this? Can you tell?

SURPRISE! Can you tell what this is? No, let’s take a closer look…

Closer look...That is a band-aid. Specifically a dirty band-aid

Yep…That is a band-aid. Specifically, a used band-aid

9. I would sleep all night, every night…

Instead, I wake up to nasty feet in my face

This_isnt_fair...

10. Nobody would publicly embarrass me…

Instead when I have a visible booger in my nose, everybody hears about it

I know, poor me, my life is such a fail, I could have had such a beautiful life…

Damn Cinco-De-Mayo and all it’s devilish temptations.

6ht2b

But when I get down about my perfect, child-free, non-existent life, I come home and see this face.

What a mug!

For whatever reason I just can’t help but think…Thank gosh for Tequila and shitty birth control!

Tags: Humor, Kids, Laugh, Life, Ryan, Thoughts, What if i didnt have kids, Women

Comments 16 Comments
Categories Life, Parentals, Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

Dear Mr. President

23 Jan

Dear Mr. President,

My newest complaint is of epic proportions which is why this letter is worthy of your attention. After a recent episode, I sense there are some fishy things going on in the medical world that you should know about…

This past summer I was self-diagnosed with Leukemia, Crohn’s disease and/or Celiac disease. According to WebMd, I had the symptoms for all three. I won’t go into detail about my concerns but let’s just say I could not travel too far from the restroom and obviously, that complicates things for me. I wanted to confirm my self-diagnosis so I made an appointment with my nearest physician, specifically a gastroenterologist; also known as a butt doctor in laymen’s terms. The doctor’s name was Dr. Gassenbutt and I will not admit, on the record, that I chose him because of his last name, but I did. He was a tiny man, no more than 5’0 and had a nose the size of the Wicked Witch of the West. Whatever, it doesn’t really matter, Angie’s List said he was highly qualified.

Creepy? No, of course not.

Meeting him for the first time was interesting to say the least. He greeted me then asked me to get fully undressed. I gave him some credit, for a tiny man of 5’0, he got right to the point. First he felt around my stomach and then on my abdomen which tickled a bit. When I started to giggle, he also began to giggle and asked me to turn on my side to examine my back. He wasn’t so bad for a butt doctor, hideous yes, but overall a decent guy. Then he did something that nobody has ever done… he went a bit too far, too fast. Without any notice, he stuck two fingers right in my back door. There was no warning, or, “hey girl, prepare for entry“, he just went for it. I would have at least appreciated a head’s up because I believe the, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy does not apply in this situation.

Next time I’m bringing my rape whistle.

After the ~~violation~~ examination, he sent me on my way, told me to pick up a “stool sample” pack at the lab and come back next week for a colonoscopy. If I would have known what I was getting myself into, I would have left and never returned.

At the lab, I was handed a bag of 16 cylinder tubes and told to read the directions on the back of each bottle. I found out rather quickly what a “stool sample” really was and that it has to be repeated 16 times.

16 bottles of stool samples…Impossible.

I’m not a pigeon, I don’t just walk around shitting when I feel like it. There was no way I could possibly fill up all 16 tubes. Did anyone consider that I am a girl? Girls have a variety of factors that determine whether or not they can efficiently “go to the bathroom.” I can’t just go when I think it, I’m not a dude, I have standards for that kind of thing. But when there is a will, there is a way and I found “the way” at McDonald’s. After digesting 4 Big Mac’s in one sitting, let’s just say, 16 bottles was a piece of cake. Who would have known that MacDonald’s makes the secret potion for filling up sample tubes. Maybe they should put that next to the calorie counts or something.

So, the Big Mac’s were a blessing in disguise or a blessing in a bottle, but I still had one bigger obstacle to overcome; finding the right time at home to complete my tube-task. There is something you must understand, I am a mother which means I get no peace and quiet, even when I lock myself in the bathroom. In fact, every time I walk into the bathroom, my kid will barge in as if it’s an open invitation for a hang-out session. I swear that this kid has some freakish type of sixth sense. As if that isn’t bad enough, I have two dogs that need to be next to me at all times and going to the bathroom with a kid talking and two dogs staring at you never ends well. Going to the bathroom is just not the same as it was when I was single and child-less.

To be blunt Mr. President, I haven’t taken a decent shit since before I had my daughter. That is four years of back-up. Try and be a decent human being with four years of back-up.

So my point is, at the very moment I was standing over the toilet, placing my materials into the last tube, BOOM. The door swings open and there she is followed by the rest of my furry dog pack. “Mommy…Moommmmyyyyyy…I need...” She stopped mid-sentence when she realized what I was doing and said, “Mom, you shouldn’t play with your poop“. My 3 year old just told me it was wrong to “play” with my poop. That is what we call, “A Rock Bottom” moment, I’m not sure my life could get any lower.

It is one thing to scoop out your own samples, but it is an entirely different thing to get reprimanded by a child while doing it.

Dropping that shit off (pun intended) at the lab was a relief up until I was handed two packs of prep drink-powder. Now it was time to prepare for my colonoscopy…

“Take this the night before your colonoscopy and the morning of your colonoscopy“, directed the lab technician, “Make sure you don’t eat too much before taking both packs.” She wished me luck and sent me on my way. I should have know right then and there that my life would forever change.

This is an understatement.

I’m recapping this part for you Mr. President to shed light on the types of medical drugs that are being given to innocent Americans like myself. In short, after drinking that prep-powder..my next few words will be chosen with delicacy…I experienced a horrific, graphic and death-defying ordeal. Let’s just say, Niagara Falls could have been considered a stream after the velocity I had witnessed. No human being should ever feel that kind of power; it’s could be dangerous. Imagine if the terrorists got their hands on that stuff and used it as a weapon?

We would all die of bowel-suffocation!

Bottoms Up!

I don’t know how I did it but after re-gaining some consciousness post-prep, I finally made it to the colonoscopy center. I sat in a waiting room with 7-8 other, old people who looked like they would keel over at any moment. How the hell did they survive after digesting that prep drink? I wondered…I’m sure people have died from drinking that stuff…that would be one hell of a news report… Man, 81 dies from prep drink that exploded his heart…OR…Man, 81 passes away drinking a substance that burst his head open.

After thinking about that for 30 minutes, I was more than pleased to have the anesthesia knock me out. Upon waking up, I believe I told my nurse that I was “single and ready to mingle“. When she had asked me how to spell my name, I spelled the name of Jennifer Lawrence.

Just taking a look…

You know what was bad? The part when I got my medical bill from this whole fiasco! Mr. President, are you aware of the prices being charged? Is it even legal to charge this much?!

$700 for Stool Sample

$1400 for Colonoscopy

$50 for in-office visit

Let’s just examine the break down for a moment…

$700 stool sample…$400 of which went to “LABOR COSTS”. WHAT LABOR WAS NEEDED FOR A STOOL SAMPLE? If I am correct in my thinking, I was the one who ate all 4 Big Mac’s. I was the one who excreted those Big Mac’s and I was the one who shoveled the remnants of those Big Mac’s into 16 tubes. WHAT ADDITIONAL WORK WAS NEEDED? Next time, I’ll take a shit right in front of the lab technician and save myself the $400.

$1400 colonoscopy. In definition, a colonoscopy is a tiny camera that is inserted into your butt to examine your insides. So how is it that porn actors, who by the way do this for a living, aren’t paid nearly as much as my bill? Is there really that much of a difference between a medical camera and a plug? I think not.

$50 in-office exam visit. I’m not going to re-visit the two finger memory, but if I wanted to pay someone $50 to do just that, it sure as hell wouldn’t have been Dr. Gassenbutt. I would have at least expected a nice dinner and maybe an intellectual conversation before-hand. For the record, I have a very nice behind and usually don’t allow any guy under 5’0 go anywhere near it. But now, Dr. Midget-Hands wants to charge me $50 for it?!

And what really puts the icing on the cake is that my $2000 diagnosis was nothing more than a case of an “upset” stomach. Well, thank you Dr. Ass-Hat for a brilliant investigation…I just paid $2000 for you to cop a feel up my butt, almost kill me with my own bowel movements and fund an adventure into the depths of my ass.

Are your health bills this much Mr. President? Perhaps I should check out the healthcare.gov website and switch my plan because my insurance is literally a pain in the ass. I think we can both agree this insurance thing is all George Bush’s fault…he screws up everything. Only an idiot would make healthcare this much of a hassle.

After reading this letter I’m sure you feel obliged to make a donation to pay for my upset stomach. Just a small donation will do, really and if you can’t find it in your heart to send money, the least you can do is tell me if aliens are real. I think I have gone to through enough to finally know the truth about that.

May God Bless America,

A Broke, Healthcare Victim

Tags: American, Ass Talk, Blog, Doctors, Funny, Girl, Gossip, health, Humor, Laugh, Love, Ryan, Status, Thoughts, Women