Archive | June, 2013

The Social Matrix

27 Jun

Readers-I entered myself into a blog contest, a creative writing blog contest. I know my usual style is profane, raunchy and personal humor writing, but i figured, Hey, let’s try something new!.

Anyways, I am sharing it with you all if your interested.

However, I must warn you: There are no pictures (But That Girl Ryan, how do we read this 2,000 word entry without pictures?!) Well, the writing should paint some pictures in your mind (this is my artsy response to your question)…give it a try.

No Pictures? I Can't Do It!!!

No Pictures? I. Can’t. Do. It.

Blog Contest Background:

The story has to be about a guy named John, who has amnesia. He wakes up everyday and doesn’t remember anything about himself.

The One Rule, You must use this sentence in your entry:

When I left, I woke up for the first time, again.

Let me know what you think! See the other entries here:

It was 6:05AM and the sun started to shine through the window. Damn Sunlight, it’s the bane of my existence. For most, sunlight means the start of a new day, a day filled with potential. For me, it’s nothing more than the start of my nightmare.

I took a deep breath preparing myself for the foreign feeling of not knowing who I was. Slowly, I stretched my hands across both sides of me, feeling the silky, soft sheets of my bed until I reached a barrier.

The barrier was warm and soft, it felt like the side of a human being. My heart stopped, I was afraid to open my eyes. Who is this person lying next to me? One eyed peeked just enough to see a naked woman sleeping on her belly. I scanned up her bare back…she was blonde…and beautiful. Quickly, I jumped out of bed and got dressed wanting to avoid this awkward morning-after, confrontation.

My head pounded and my vision was fuzzy, Wow, last night must have been a good time, I thought to myself. I could still taste the whiskey on my breath as it parched the inside of my mouth.

Dragging myself into the bathroom, I looked into the mirror. Who is this person? I hadn’t recognized myself for what felt like a long time and It made me sick knowing that I wake up every day feeling the same way. I looked into my own eyes, they were a deep colored blue and had glazed over as if they hadn’t been alive in months.

My thoughts were interrupted by the mysterious woman scrambling to put on her clothes.

Hi john, I know you don’t know me, but just listen. Don’t leave this house or go anywhere. I’ll explain everything when I get back, I won’t be long.” She hurried out the front door before I had a chance to speak.

How did she know my name? Who am I?

Staying in this house all day was not an option, I didn’t want to be alone with this stranger staring back at me in the mirror. Today, I would find out who I was; learn the truth behind my existence.

I had no idea where I was headed to, but I walked out the door and jumped into the first car I spotted parked outside. With the keys conveniently in the ignition, I felt my body take over. Though I had no idea how to drive a car, my movements were automatic. As the car roared forward, the gas pedal underneath my foot, a robotic voice came over the stereo speakers:

Hello, John, where would you like to go today?”

Holy shit, I thought to myself, who is this?

Hello-whose there?”

Hello, john, where would you like to go today?”

I didn’t know what to say, who was this woman? How did she know my name?

I’d really like to make my head stop pounding.”

Sure , John, re-routing to the nearest coffee shop

She guided me through an urban area where hundreds of people were rushing to a destination. I had a longing to be amongst them, just so I could have that feeling of knowing I was expected to be somewhere.

I parked the car and headed into the coffee shop. Looking around, each person was sitting at a table, zoned out. Their eyes focused on a screen in front of them. Some were pounding their fingers furiously on the screen, taking no time to pause. I walked in further to get a closer look at these screens. Each screen was outline with pictures, words and ads. What were they all staring at? I was so mesmerized by their intense focus, I plopped next to a young male and inquired about the screen.

You like this model?” the young male said to me

I’m sorry?”

You like this laptop model? It’s the newest edition. Such a fast connection and it links to all your social networks at once!”

I had no idea what this kid was talking about. He must have seen the complexity on my face and continued to explain by pulling out another smaller device with the same type of screen.

I just got this bad boy yesterday…fully loaded, smartphone. My twitter account simultaneously connects to my brain and can post what I am thinking. Watch this” He pointed to his screen and closed his eyes. As he held the device, a secret, coded message appeared on the screen. I suspect it was part of this “Twitter” language, one that I was not fluent in.

It read:

Cool Jack: Just trying out my new @smartphone edition! #YOLO

The young kid opened his eyes and waited for my reaction. I gave him my best smile, but felt nothing but disgust, who made technology that could access waves in the human brain?

Not a fan of Twitter?” he asked in disappointment.


Not even Facebook? EVERYONE uses Facebook!

No, what’s the Facebook?”

It’s called Facebook…drop the- “The”.. and it’s basically a full population database.

Everyone has one?”

Dude, everyone! It’s the only way to identify yourself these days

How do I get to The Facebook?”

HA, get to FACEBOOK…remember, drop the- “the”…you just have to get on the internet and type in the address.”

Ok-thanks for your help

I rushed out the door and got back into the car.

“Hello, John, where would you like to go?” the mysterious voice asked me.

“To the Facebook. I need to go to the Facebook, right now.”

“Im sorry John, I’m not sure what you mean. To the Race Park?”

“No the facebook!”

“I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you mean”

Forget it, robot woman couldn’t understand me, what was the point of her anyway? Surely someone else would know where to find this Book of Faces. Out of nowhere, a man pulled me inside a store. “WELCOME! To wireless central, how may I help you today?”

“ I am trying to get to The Facebook-I was told I can get there thru the internet?”

“Ah, yes you can get on Facebook by purchasing a Smartphone! All our Smartphone’s come equipped with the internet as well. These are all our smart phones” he pointed to a section of screened devices.

“So I can only get to The Facebook from Smartphones, not dumbphones?”

“Haha, you’re so funny! I guess that’s a good way to put it, but no, you can’t”

 “I’ll take it then”

As he gave me the device, I felt a sense of excitement. THIS was the key to finding out who I was.

I pressed some buttons on the phone and another robotic voice came on.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“I want to find The Facebook”

“Sure, do you mean the address for Facebook?”


“Would you like directions?”


As I began my journey, I passed several newsstands with front page articles written about this “Book of Faces”. Some of the article titles were…

Facebook, to take over the world!

The man behind Facebook’s newest invention.

Is the new Facebook technology going to ruin mankind?

This place really seemed to be a big deal, it was bound to have the information I was looking for.

When I came upon a glass building, my device had told me that I had arrived at my destination. As I looked up, I saw the words I had been searching for: FACEBOOK Headquarters

I walked in and was greeted by a young girl at the front desk.

“Is this The Facebook?” I asked her.

She giggled, “Yes, this is Facebook-Drop the-“The”, how can I help you?”

“I am here to find out who I am, I have been told that The Facebook would help me do that”

Before she could answer, the phone rang.

“Hold on a minute” she said.

“Hello? Hi, Ms. Hanson…o, yes….” She glanced back up at me “I understand…sure, I will send him right up” She hung up the phone.“John, please follow me”

I didn’t speak a word as I followed the young girl into the elevator. The doors opened and there were tons of people typing at those weird screens I had seen earlier. As I continued down a hallway, the people around me seemed to stop and stare. Their whispers flew through the rest of the office like wildfire…

That’s him…yea, I saw a whole documentary about his life…total genius…he’s going to change the world…looks older in person…what a brave guy.

The young girl stopped in front of an office door and directed me to go in. I looked up to see the naked woman from earlier this morning standing behind a desk.

“John, John, John…your arrival is right on time everyday! I don’t know how you do it, but the research team is fascinated.”

“Who are you? How do you know me?” I demanded.

She rolled her eyes and sighed “We do this every day John, it’s getting rather annoying. Maybe one day you will actually listen to me and NOT leave the house.”

I sat, feeling anxious for what she was about to tell me.

“You are part of a facebook experiment, one that you created! Soon after taking over the company, we decided our users needed more, something so pioneer that Twitter, Instagram and all those other social losers couldn’t keep up with. Our plan was to re-write every Facebook user’s brain so it could live, breathe, eat the social network. We are still in the beginning stages with this experiment, but we already have erased your mind to re-program it back into the network matrix. Soon you will be able to get a full facebook profile on every stranger you meet. It will be delivered straight to your conscious mind. Eventually, our brains will be programmed like computers so there is no need for any material devices.

“So people want to trade in their natural abilities for a computerized mind? I am responsible for The Facebook Experiment?”

“Yes, facebook-drop the-“the””

My heart began to race as I stood up “Why would anyone want to live in this social network?”

“Because, people are obsessed! They are always on the network and wanted Facebook to integrate more into their lives! You are a genius and our work with this experiment is a technological break-through!”

I felt sick as I stood up to leave, finding the first exit out of the Facebook building.

When I left, I woke up for the first time, again. I woke up to realize that my nightmare each and every day is something I created.

As I walked back into the city, I wanted nothing more than the feeling of being alive, knowing when the blanket of night approached, my memories of feeling real would be covered. How could I have traded pure reality for a programmed one?

When I reached the entrance to  “The Mind Eraser Bar”, I figured I should go in for a drink. The smell of whiskey and cigarettes filled my lungs as I opened the door.

“Evening John, the usual?” asked the bartender.

The bartender knew my usual order? I must come here every day…but for some reason the familiarity gave me a sense of comfort.

Around 12am, I stumbled out of the bar, staying just long enough to feel numb from the truth and walked into a tattoo parlor. I told the artist I needed a permanent reminder on my arm, just one lasting memory.

Perplexed, the tattoo artist asked, “Sure, what were u thinking? A dragon? A skull? You look like a skull type of guy”

“No, I want a reminder, a reminder so permanent, nothing can erase it. I scribbled the words on a piece of paper and handed it to him.

 It read: “Do Not Search For The Facebook, Today

“Do you mean Facebook? I think you drop the -“the”

I laid in the chair and fell asleep as he scribed a note for the stranger in the mirror.

I Got 99 Problems and A Dick Ain’t One

12 Jun

This is a highly inappropriate blog post…I try really hard not to include too many raunchy and profane topics all in one sitting, but…. I really don’t care.

There comes a time in every girls life when she has a particular thought, a thought that I believe is very valid, but nonetheless a simple thought…

What would I do if I had a penis for a day?

Before you read on, you must ask yourself how your feeling about the penis at this very moment…if weenies are scary , you dislike them or are grossed out by the visual thought of them in anyway…Don’t read on.

If you’re like me and wish you had one in a non-lesbian/non-transgender way…by all means, have a BALL… or Two 🙂

I find the male part quite amusing probably because I don’t-nor will ever– have one.

Not only that, but men talk about their penises like they are the best thing since his- and -her lube!

Remember that song from Harold and Kumar? “My dick” by Mickey Avalon? In his song he sings this line: “We got Dicks like Jesus”.

Now who wouldn’t want a Dick like Jesus? Seriously, they should start changing those WWJD? shirts and instead put… I Got A Penis Like Jesus. Those shirts would sell out in a day. Catholics, Christians, Jews and hell-even the Mormons would buy it.


And If you don’t know who this guy is…shame on you

No wonder us gals are so curious, when do you hear the general female population raving about the greatness of the vagina?…and Alanis Morrissette doesn’t count.

So anyway, all this thought about the Main Vein, got me wondering…what if girl’s had penises? Obviously we would rule the world, that’s a given…Brain+Beauty+Balls…The possibilities would be endless really, but before we dive into that, let’s first explore why a woman wouldn’t want a penis…

Penis Problem #1: It’s incredibly ugly

There’s not much to say here…penises are just…blah. They slightly remind me of an elderly worm.

Wanna Play? EW

Wanna Play? EW

Penis Problem #2: It’s Deceiving

Romans do a great job of depicting this flaw…just look at the Statue of David. David is incredibly tall, muscular, sexy, curly hair… but has the tiniest penis ever. Now, to be fair, it doesn’t mean that David wasn’t packing some serious beef, but maybe David was a grower…not a show-er. Still,you will never know the truth.

Poor guy didn't have a chance to let the world know.

Poor guy didn’t have a chance to let the world know.

Penis Problem #3: size DOES matter

I love it when guys ask this question: Does size really matter to girls? YES. If you say differently, your a liar. In short…a guy can be the hot, and all around great, but he will never be datable if he’s got a French fry in his pants. For all my single ladies out there, how much does it suck when you go out with a guy on a few dates, spend all your time thinking about him, dreaming up fairy tale scenarios, only to find out when you sneak a peek, there is simply no future a-head.

Waste. Of. Time.

Damn Right

Damn Right

And there you have my ANTI-PENIS list.

Let’s explore the Positives-List.

Penis Pro #1- You Can Pee On Everything

I think males completely take this task for granted. Men can pee anywhere at anytime…out the window driving…in a bottle…on a wall…in the woods…off a bridge. My days of hovering over a toilet seat would be gone if I had a penis. Not only would I pee on all types of objects, but id definitely pee on annoying people. Screaming little children for example… If every kid was fearful of getting peed on at all times, you better believe they would shut up real quick.

I can see it now…


Penis Pro #2: Absolutely play this game…All Day…Everyday…

Penis Pro #3: Cock Slap

Is this a real thing? When someone says, “I going to cock slap you in the face” Can you actually cock-slap someone in the face? I’d like to embark on this mystery to find out for myself.

Penis Pro #4: Penis Shadow Puppets

Hand shadow puppets are fun, but Penis Shadow Puppets are better.

This could be very do-able

This could be very do-able

Penis Pro #5:New-Business Ventures

Why hasn’t anyone made a clothing line for ding-a-lings? I know it sounds crazy, but seriously we dress up animals, paint our nails, wear leg warmers, dress up our hair…it’s about time for a penis clothing line. I think I’d call it…Pocket Rocket & Co.

Penis Pro #6: Boners

Boners are so cool, they are even a little magical. You can just walk into a shoe store and BAM…Boner. Then like an hour later walk into a coffee shop, library, car wash and be like BAM, BAM, BAM…Boner! Seriously, this is the best…Popping boners.


And my conclusion…having a penis is more productive than having a vagina…There are just more things to accomplish. Ladies have got to start stepping it up on the kegels and making these types of talents happen for us.

But at least there is one truth that will always trump the male parts…a truth so superior, men don’t stand a chance.

There is Power in The Pussy…And don’t you ever forget it.

*UPDATE* Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

10 Jun

Just when I thought all my kitty problems were gone…I got another knock on my door…with more cat shenanigans.

Guess who? Yep!!

That Crazy Fucking Cat Lady and her subordinate husband.

Knock, Knock...Guess WHO?! MEOW!

Knock, Knock…Guess WHO?! MEOW!

My first thought, Crazy Cat Lady, must have gotten my CAT-VICTIM package. She is coming over to say thank -you, how sweet. Hopefully she left the cat hair at home this time.

I open the door…

“Hi there, just wanted to come by and thank you for the gift. I thought it was really sweet and kitty loves the toys you gave her! Look, Look at this picture of her playing with the cat-nip Squirrel!!

O, and by the way… buying an invisible fence…you didn’t have to do that!! That was above and beyond”

Thank God kitty likes the toys-Crazy Cat Lady taking that picture made her day and will smooth this whole thing over. Phew, looks like we are clear of this one!

“No problem, it was the least we could do! How’s miss kitty doing anyway?”

She started to tear up which made me want to laugh. Partly because her face wrinkles up like Claire Dane’s in Homeland when she cries.

My Cat! My Cat...BOO HOO BOO HOO


“She is good-we actually brought her to the vet. She got an X-Ray and a full emergency exam. Vet sees nothing wrong. The thing that really killed when the vet found the teeth marks. She said it was definitely from a dog, so even though we didn’t see your dog attack, it was most likely him.”

Wait a fucking second…there were no witnesses to this?! I have spent all day watching my dogs get shocked by their new invisible fence because you THINK my dog was guilty?!  I started to get angry and wanted her to finish up tear-fest 2013 so she would leave my porch.

“Well, like I said, we feel really bad and the fence will make sure this never happens again. Thanks for stopping by!”

Her husband’s voice shakes as he says, “Um, well we actually wanted to talk to you about the vet bill”

I spin around and my inner voice speaks loud…THESE PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

“We know your an animal lover and all. We know you would understand this whole situation. We feel it’s fair to split the bill with us and half the bill would be $315.00”

They just showed up tonight to ask for money…Bitches. And what kind of vet did they take this cat to?! Did they fly in a cat-dog attack specialist for the vet exam?

“Ok….” I was at a lost for words. My inner voice kicks in again…Just be honest about this.

“Sure we will definitely pay for half of the bill…”

Ah, shit it’s happening. My inability to be confrontational face to face with people older than me. Stop being such a pussy, just tell the lady to take that bill and the cat hair and shove it up her ass.

“…I think it’s totally appropriate we help to pay the bill as well…”

Are you kidding me? Stop right now, tell her shes a greedy ass that is taking advantage of a young couple.

“…You were so right to come over and ask us to help on this, it’s the right thing to do…I’ll drop the check off in your mailbox. Have a great night, glad we could move past this!”

UGH, your so hopeless, I give up, come talk to me again when you grow some balls

Sometimes you just gotta listen

Sometimes you just gotta listen


I walk inside, ashamed of my cowardliness and spot Levi, looking right at me.

“You know Levi, if you finished the job-we wouldn’t be paying a vet bill right now…better work on those skills in case that cat decides to come within your invisible fence barrier”

So here I am, writing yet another letter along with a very, expensive check.

Dear Kerri (Yes, I found out her stupid name and it ends with an I. I don’t trust people who names end in I)

Again, I’m glad your cat is OK (But now not really).

In this envelope is the check for $315 (Half of the extremely expensive medical bill for your bald cat, which I hope by the way, stays bald) Hope we can move past this (we wont, I think you people are a waste of space and I will never lend you any cups of sugar or eggs…fuck you)


Your neighbors (who now hate your guts and hope your cat gets eaten by a wild animal or drowns in the Holy Lake)

Invisible Fences Make PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE neighbors

EPSON scanner image

Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

6 Jun

Typically Life Situation for That Girl Ryan…

When I signed those mortgage papers on my first home this year, I was ecstatic! Goodbye annoying apartment renters, goodbye lazy landlords and HELLO freedom!

Freedom of doing what I want because I’m a mother fucking home owner and don’t have to listen to anymore apartment management bullshit rules. (Can you tell I have resentment?)

Our House

Our House

Boy Ryan and I have always been THOSE neighbors, “the problem renters”

Just to clue you in, here are some rules we have violated;

Noise violation (after 11pm on a Saturday night)

Failure to weed our outdoor patio (never knew this existed)

Failure to pick up after our dog (who by the way shits at least 4 times a day. Its impossible to keep up)

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

Ok, Ok, so we haven’t been the best renters, but I thought our renter problems would disappear after buying a home…but they don’t. You still have to put up with these people called neighbors; and neighbors tend not to relocate after a year of residence…they last a lot longer.

We moved into a lake community, let’s re-phrase…a “clicky” lake community. To join this lake in our neighborhood it’s a $1000/year. In my opinion, paying $1000 to swim in a dirty lake for 3 months out of the year is a bit expensive…call me crazy but I just wasn’t feeling it. However, what I failed to recognize is that ALL the neighbors in our community are part of the lake and get offended when you don’t join.

So when we didn’t join, I got the vibe that we were being shunned. Whatever, Shun the non-believer, it doesn’t bother me. Plus we invested in a baby pool this summer so that Addison wouldn’t feel under privileged. We actually have her convinced that the baby pool with clean water is much better than a lake with dirty water.

The Holy Lake

The Holy Lake

Here’s us, minding our own business…mowing our lawn, taking out our trash, waving to each neighbor like were riding on a god-damn parade float every morning… illustrating positive neighborly behavior.

And just when we started to think that we REALLY are good neighbors, LEVI, our newest family addition, decided to become a serial cat killer.

Adopting Levi was way too easy. He loves to cuddle, allows Addison to dress him up like a doll and listens! Yes, he listens really well! I thought it was a little too perfect from the beginning…There’s gotta be something wrong with him.

I found out this flaw the hard way as he shredded into a squirrel and attempted to Gator-Spin my parent’s cat, twice. And there it was…his flaw…he is not a cat enthusiast.

Such a Doll

Such a Doll

So long story short, Levi escapes one day without me noticing (probably taking direction from Joba, who is very capable of escaping on purpose) and attacks the neighbor’s furry friend. This entire escape was unbeknownst to me until a few hours later when I heard a knock at my door. I look and find my neighbors from across the street standing there.

O, how nice, they came to introduce themselves and bring muffins! What sweethearts.…I opened the door.

The woman is in tears, shaking and clutching clumps of what I realized was fur. Her husband stood next to her, red in the face, clearly embarrassed by his sobbing wife…

Your dog, attacked my cat! Look!” She pulled both hands up near my face to show me the cat fur. “YOUR dog pulled clumps of fur from her and drew blood! She won’t even come out from under the couch and is limping!

I glanced at Levi who was happily wagging his tail, excited to greet the new guests standing at the door.

O um, wow I’m so sorry, is the cat ok?”

NO! look at all this fur!”

I’m still a little perplexed as to why she brought the fur over with her to my house. Did she think I wouldn’t believe that fur has been lost in this cat-dog exchange. Plus, it was a bit rude because I had just mopped my floor and some of the cat hair strands flew into the house.

Yes, I’m so sorry, ill pay for the bill if the cat has to go to vet. It won’t ever happen again

“No it Won’t!” she threatened and stormed off with her husband in tow.

Dog Shame

Dog Shame

And here we go…we have done it again! As I shut the door, I pondered…how the hell do I make this better?

Solution #1: buy an invisible fence. Good fences make Good neighbors

Solution #2: join the god-damn lake so none of the other neighbors will talk shit about us. $1000 might be worth saving our reputation as the cat killing neighbors

Solution #3: send an apology to “cat lady victim #3”

But what do I send? Wine? Wine always helps everything…but what if shes a recovering alcoholic? That could make it worse…cookies? Shit I don’t have that kind of time. I could just buy them, but that looks insincere…”Here’s some cookies from ShopRite for your cat troubles”.

No, that won’t work…but you know what will? A “CAT-VICTIM-PACKAGE”! Perfect, a peace offering for the cat lady and her bald cat.

Lets see…i’ll get some cat-nip and treats…scoop up some extra dog hair from Joba to replace the lost hair from the scuffle…throw in a few kitty-self defensive classes and top it off with dog-repellant. That should really smooth this whole hair ball over.


I gathered all the necessary items and opened the blank card to scribe a personal note.

Dear…..Shit, I don’t know my neighbor’s names!

“We are so sorry about your cat, can’t tell you how awful we feel about this whole situation. We wanted to give your cat some treats as an apology from Levi (who definitely is not sorry)

We went ahead and purchased an invisible fence to ensure this will never happen again (for the safety of your cat, we will now punish our dogs with shock collars-Your Welcome).

We wish for a fast recovery and hope your cat can feel safe in her driveway (although she is an outside cat meaning anything could eat her, but at least it won’t be our dog) Please let us know if there is anything else we can do (unless of course the cat died over night).”

-Ryan and Ryan

Your caring, loving neighbors (please don’t hate us)

I dropped it off on the doorstep during the day so I could avoid any awkward conversation..I wouldn’t even know what to say

So here we are, good neighbors mending fences by putting up invisible barriers.

We will continue to wave our hellos and flash our pearly white smiles but it will never be the same as it was before the cat incident. They will always be the crazy cat neighbors to us and we will always be the crazy cat killers to them.

Yes, this is the bliss of home-ownership.

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