My husband works for a company that hosts incentive trips throughout the year and we have been fortunate enough to attend majority of them.
This past summer was a free trip to Nieves, an island that nobody has ever heard of. I don’t remember much, but I credit that to the island’s signature “Killer Bee” cocktail. The drink tastes so good, but when you least expect it; it stings you!
Then last summer, we went to Aruba, the happiest island in the Caribbean. Why is it the happiest island you ask? Because nobody in Aruba has a real job and therefore is happy.
All those islands were great and all, but my favorite trips have always been the fall vacation to the Bahamas. Not for the location but for the crazy shit that goes down at this place…and this year did not disappoint.
Getting to the Bahamas takes about 2 1/2 hours via plane which has become one of my newest phobias in life.
Such a tiny plane
Ever since a particular nail-biting flight; getting myself on a plane is a bitch. It’s actually gotten so bad that for my flight to the Bahamas this year, I decided to drug myself.
Drug of choice; Dramamine.
#NoMakeup
Dramamine is a motion sickness medication, but it makes you loopy as hell so I gave it go.
Boy Ryan tried to convince me that if he distracted me the entire flight I wouldn’t need the medication.
But that turned out to be a total fail ten minutes in….
I am so distracted by watching you sleep; what a brilliant idea!
Anyways, the Dramamine did its work and I spent the entire flight writing down all the questions I have about random things (more on this to come) and taking selfies of my face because I was convinced the Dramamine made it look distorted…and I refuse to share those pictures with you all.
When we arrived in the Bahamas and pulled up to The Cove, a very “exclusive” part of the Atlantis Resort. I was honestly floored by the hotel luxuries. Full balconies, a spacious lower living room, a hairdryer and 2 fully stocked mini-bars.
Um, YES.
My Room view
As I laid down on the bed to recover from my Dramamine high, I heard the familiar tone Boy Ryan says on every single vacation; “O Shit”.
“O Shit” (said in a high to low pitch) means that Boy Ryan forgot something; as he does every trip we attend. One year he forgot his wallet in airport security. The year before that he left his contacts in a hotel room. The year before that he mistakenly overlooked packing any clean underwear for a two week trip.
So what could it possibly be this time?
“Hun…I forgot my bathing suit.”
Ah yes, the bathing suit. The man packs for a tropical island surrounded by water, pools and beaches and forgets the most necessary item of clothing. Typically Boy Ryan.
So we spent the first day walking around Atlantis in search for a bathing suit. We found one for a “steal” at $80…ugh.
Let me just state for the record, Atlantis is not cheap.
Which is why on the first night, I was more than happy to attend a work event where free food and free drinks were in unlimited supply for the night.
It was at a restaurant called the One and Only Ocean Club.Truly a gorgeous scene; if anyone is looking for destination wedding venues, definitely put this on the list.
The event was held in a garden area with a ton of naked men statues. I know that sounds weird, but they were probably the highlight of all the conversations I had that night.
Work events are always a bit awkward so conversation topics tend to focus on the scenery, food and service quality.
Topic of conversation
However, I will make a note about something I noticed regarding Men and any Caribbean island…
Why do men think wearing linen pants are OK on an island?
Can we just dive into this a minute?
- Linen pants are very difficult to pull off for most men.
- Most men do not wear linen pants appropriately. The sizes are always too small and the pants are always too wrinkled.
- When #1 and #2 are in full force you know what happens? Men get linen-pant camel toes.
Just from this short visit to the Caribbean, I’ve had enough Linen-Pant Camel Toes to last me a century.
Attention women: Good wives don’t let good husbands wear linen pants.
**Please wear responsibly **
Unless you are this man, you can not wear linen pants.
Anyways, I drank way too much at that event- probably because I wanted to forget every male camel toe I had just seen– and spent the rest of the night in the Casino playing craps. By playing craps I mean rolling the dice for the craps players.
I have never been a fan of Casinos, but the Atlantis casino has a really great set-up. Between the sports betting area, slot machines and an everlasting flow of free drinks, I give it two thumbs up!
Taking pictures at a casino is illegal, I’m a total badass.
The second day for me was a wash; too many male camel toes and vodka tonics left me a hungover mess. There aren’t enough adjectives to describe the color of vomit that came out of me that day.
Sleep+Sun+Pool=cure
I’m just thankful it didn’t last long enough for my date with Flipper.
Yes, me and flipper had an amazing date at his place in Dolphins Cay.
At Dolphins Cay, you actually get in the water with dolphins. You can touch them, swim with them and even feed them. I highly recommend you go if you ever visit the Bahamas…even if it’s just to touch the dolphins. Touching a dolphin feels like you are groping a 400lb man in a wetsuit, very amusing to say the least.
The professional pictures taken were like $40, so i’m too cheap to have purchased any to show you all, but I did try and catch some video to share.
The rest of the trip was a lot of the same; drinking too much, gambling, eating at a famous restaurant called NoBu? Which according to Boy Ryan should be named; No Food. We were still so hungry that after we ate, we went out to eat.
I only recommend this restaurant for aspiring anorexics.
But the last thing I wanted to share with you all is about my experience at The Cove private pool party.
Cove tagline: “Live Your Life”
Things that happen at the Cove pool;
- People show boob-age; whether they intend to or not
- People make out wherever they feel like it; group make-outs are also encouraged
- Rich Ugly Old men hang out with younger, attractive females
- Sexual Dancing; both good and bad
- Sex in the bathroom-yes I said sex in the PUBLIC bathroom
- Patron being poured onto body parts and licked off
- $7,000 drink bills
Here is how I sum up the party at The Cove pool;it’s a 6-8 hour long orgy every day, any day. Including Sundays! The orgy happens AFTER Sunday Church!
Over a 4 hour period I saw the pool party scene go from classy-cool to drunken-mess fest.
Although I wasn’t cool enough to partake in the festivities, I did capture these Cove party animals in their natural habitat for you all to see:
See the younger women relaxing by the watering hole; calm, cool and collective…observation 2pm
Watering hole begins to get crowded. More adult beverages are consumed. Animals begin to move around…observation 3:30pm
Fat rich man begins to make his way over to younger attractive girls. He flashes them $100 bills and offers drinks. Young girls take bait….Observation 4:00pm
Younger female begins to stand on chair and dance for fatter man in the pool. Her judgement is off, but she continues to entertain for another round of free drinks…observation 5:00pm
Total debauchery ensues. Dancing takes place. Group make-outs and “motor boating” are also observed. Debauchery doesn’t slow down until well into the early evening….observation 7pm.
If you like a hard-core party scene, resort lifestyle and commercialized experience, then I highly recommend you visit the Atlantis resort. If you’re not entertained by the water slides, casinos, variety of restaurants or dolphins, you will be at the Cove. You might even be cool enough to hang out with the party animals!
Just remember one thing: DO NOT WEAR LINEN PANTS!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
That Girl Ryan 