Archive | March, 2014

Conscious Uncoupling Causes The Disappearance of Flight 370

27 Mar

 I’m not promising any magic in this post today, just a random rant that struck my fancy because I spend entirely too much time on Facebook.

Have you ever read those trending topics on facebook?

Right hand side of the screen? Popular stories? I’ll wait a moment for you to find it….


facebook-trends-620x350

Ok well this week’s topics were the most asinine stories I have ever seen. I’d rather have scrolled through my newsfeed reading all the retarded status updates of gym losers posting selfies of their #AWESOME workouts. #HatersGunnaHate

In case you missed it, here are the trending topics on Facebook this week…

Hercules

Dwayne Johnson proves he is Hercules in this new trailer

hercules

Russell Crowe Meets Arnold Schwarzenegger

Can someone please tell “The Rock” to stop trying to make Dwayne Johnson happen! This man is having a serious identity crisis.

Did he really prove to be Hercules? Last time I checked he was a wrestler out of work, making movies terrible by starring in them.

America, when will we learn that ex-wrestlers/lifters/porn stars/ do not make good movie stars? Case in point: Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

Nick Cannon

Nick Cannon wears white face, sparks internet controversy.

nick_cannon_whiteface_instagram

Have you heard about this yet? White people are legit pissed.

Are they really that mad? Or are they just riding the “poor white people” wave they have waited so long for…FINALLY, a black guy does something us white people can publicly complain about. We can’t complain about their terrible grammar, music, bad behaviors or excessive breeding habits because that would be racist, but now, WHITE PEOPLE ARE FINALLY THE VICTIMS!

Yep, they have been waiting years for victim status. So in short, whiteys ain’t letting this shit go.

Let the man do some white face, it’s a compliment, not a diss.  Fuck people, stop being such ass hats.

Nick, welcome to world of being white…I think you nailed it, even the part where you married a cougar. Kudos.

 

National Football League

NFL will now penalize players for dunking over the goal post

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Ok…And…If this is “trending” topic-worthy there is no reason as to why the pimple on my ass shouldn’t be.

Plus, aren’t you supposed to dunk in football? No? Wrong sport?

Stupid…exactly my point.

 Flight 370

Debris found by Chinese Satellites 

O Jesus Christ, here we go again…the Chinese satellites found “debris” floating in the ocean…for the third time this week.

Is it me or does anyone else question why the rest of the world would think these Chinese satellite images are credible? Let’s not even discuss the fact that Chinese satellites are probably sold in Walmart, made by a group of unpaid children in a factory but I just don’t see debris in the picture.

Although if I squint my eyes hard enough looking at the images, similar to how the Chinese would look at it, then I do see plane debris. But then again I also see Godzilla in the left hand corner, so who knows.

Squint and See

Squint and See

The bigger mystery is, how do the Chinese see anything out of those eye-slits?

How? HOW CAN YOU SEE?

How? HOW CAN YOU SEE?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

Uncoupling

Here we are, just uncoupling

Here we are, just uncoupling

Spoiler alert: they split up.

It was an “amicable” breakup or what Gwyneth calls, “Conscious UnCoupling”

Please explain what Concious Uncoupling means. Do people use this term, “Conscious Uncoupling”? Is this a thing now? I can’t wait until the first turd starts using this phrase on Facebook.

Status update: Me and Chad decided to break up. #ConciousUncoupling

How does one “uncouple” themselves? Do you just decide, hey lets start to uncouple. I’ll bang some guys tonight, you bang some girls tomorrow and we can start this uncoupling process. We will do things in an uncouple way.

One benefit to this break up…Coldplay might actually decide to consciously uncouple themselves. Wouldn’t that bring joy to the masses. We can finally stop slitting our wrists listening to their depressing music.

North Korea

Kim Jong Un requires all North Korean Men to get haircuts…like his haircut

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Attention men of North Korea, you are now ordered to cut your hair like a fat faced penis. Don’t feel too bad, you could be like us Americans who are now required to buy health insurance. Imagine the horror of that!

Although, it could be worse, he could be requesting that everyone get haircuts like his pal, Dennis Rodman.

Who would you rather look like? An asian version of Hitler or a black, green-haired pirate?

The choice is yours:

NK leader meets Dennis Rodman

 Jeff Gordon and Stephen Rhodes

Come out of the closet as a gay couple

I think the world is coming to an end. Jeff Gordon announces he is a gay man in a relationship with openly gay driver Stephen Rhodes.

jeff-gordon-and-stephen-rhodes-confirm-homosexual-relationship

 

No, wait, this is supposedly a hoax according to searches on Google…but it’s too late, this has already spread across the internet. Nobody knows its a rumor, especially a bunch of red-neck NASCAR fans. Unfortunately they are illiterate. All they saw was the picture of both men holding hands and went nuts. Some fans have already committed suicide from the news. In fact, I saw 4 less Gordon flags flying this morning.

FACT: NASCAR fans reportedly have been seen running into the northern state borders with guns screaming, “Kill all the liberals and the gays!”

FACT: I have lost faith in humanity.

 

Can’t wait to see what crap is trending on Facebook next week…until then!

 

 

 

That Girl Ryan Does Stand Up Comedy

21 Mar

Here it is…my comedy routine!

I’m an inpatient bastard and couldn’t wait any longer to receive the professional taping of my routine, so I’m posting the footage one of my fans (aka my dad) captured on the night of the show.

This is the entire routine minus the last 3 seconds…it’s just missing 4 words.

Enjoy!

What did you think!?

FYI: I Didn’t Die

14 Mar

Hello? Is anyone still out there?

It’s me, That Girl Ryan.

I wanted to check in and let you know that I did not die or lose my hands, I just abandoned my blog for 3 weeks.

Terrible, I know but I did upload my NEW blog logo!!! Don’t you love it?!

My unrealistic expectations took me in a different direction once again to…Stand-UP Comedy Class.

Making an asshole of myself online wasn’t enough, I needed to get on stage and do it in person.  Let me tell you, it’s harder than it looks.

20140314-160959.jpg

20140314-161217.jpgLook at me trying to be cool

Next week is my official “graduation show” where I get to do my whole bit in front of a real audience – trashy New Jersey locals – but still, even trashy NJ locals can be an intimidating bunch.

I wanted to share some things I discovered about the world of comedy…

1. Male comedians are perverts/horn dogs…can’t help but love them

I won’t go into detail but I will say this…

Ladies, if you are single and want to date a male comedian, take my advice and do not shave, do not wax the “area”. There is a group of men out there who will fully appreciate you as a woman in her natural state; pubes and all.

I haven’t seen anything quite like it…

2. The uglier and older you are, the more you get away with…it’s not fair

This is the first time in my life I wish I was born fat, ugly and funny because then I’d get away with saying anything…like newborns are ugly and look like old men. For some reason, that line just doesn’t have the same effect as if an older, grey haired, overweight lady said it.

Ugh.

3. It’s hard to write comedy material

I spent the last three days thinking up different ways I could explain the benefits of being a Tranny

I missed a meeting at work because I was practicing my voice impression for Steve Urkel

I spent 45 minutes searching all the synonymous for VAGINA

WTF has my life become?

4. You become a narcissistic

I’m ready to bitch slap myself

5. You are not as funny as you think you are

Like that time I went to an open mic and nobody laughed at my jokes…Most awkward 5 minutes of my life.

6. Stage fright gets re-defined

Flight or Fight has become…Flight, Fight and piss your pants

Wish Me Luck this week…I will return back to my blog soon!

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