Archive | November, 2013

What happens at the Cove, Stays at the Cove.

27 Nov

photo 1 (2)My husband works for a company that hosts incentive trips throughout the year and we have been fortunate enough to attend majority of them.

This past summer was a free trip to Nieves, an island that nobody has ever heard of. I don’t remember much, but I credit that to the island’s signature “Killer Bee” cocktail. The drink tastes so good, but when you least expect it; it stings you!

Then last summer, we went to Aruba, the happiest island in the Caribbean. Why is it the happiest island you ask? Because nobody in Aruba has a real job and therefore is happy.

All those islands were great and all, but my favorite trips have always been the fall vacation to the Bahamas. Not for the location but for the crazy shit that goes down at this place…and this year did not disappoint.

Getting to the Bahamas takes about 2 1/2 hours via plane which has become one of my newest phobias in life.

Such a tiny plane

Such a tiny plane

Ever since a particular nail-biting flight; getting myself on a plane is a bitch. It’s actually gotten so bad that for my flight to the Bahamas this year, I decided to drug myself.

Drug of choice; Dramamine.

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#NoMakeup

Dramamine is a motion sickness medication, but it makes you loopy as hell so I gave it go.

Boy Ryan tried to convince me that if he distracted me the entire flight I wouldn’t need the medication.

But that turned out to be a total fail ten minutes in….

photo 1 (3)I am so distracted by watching you sleep; what a brilliant idea!

Anyways, the Dramamine did its work and I spent the entire flight writing down all the questions I have about random things (more on this to come) and taking selfies of my face because I was convinced the Dramamine made it look distorted…and I refuse to share those pictures with you all.

When we arrived in the Bahamas and pulled up to The Cove, a very “exclusive” part of the Atlantis Resort. I was honestly floored by the hotel luxuries. Full balconies, a spacious lower living room, a hairdryer and 2 fully stocked mini-bars.

Um, YES.

My Room view

My Room view

As I laid down on the bed to recover from my Dramamine high, I heard the familiar tone Boy Ryan says on every single vacation; “O Shit”.

“O Shit” (said in a high to low pitch) means that Boy Ryan forgot something; as he does every trip we attend. One year he forgot his wallet in airport security. The year before that he left his contacts in a hotel room. The year before that he mistakenly overlooked packing any clean underwear for a two week trip.

So what could it possibly be this time?

“Hun…I forgot my bathing suit.”

Ah yes, the bathing suit. The man packs for a tropical island surrounded by water, pools and beaches and forgets the most necessary item of clothing. Typically Boy Ryan.

So we spent the first day walking around Atlantis in search for a bathing suit. We found one for a “steal” at $80…ugh.

Let me just state for the record, Atlantis is not cheap.

Which is why on the first night, I was more than happy to attend a work event where free food and free drinks were in unlimited supply for the night.

It was at a restaurant called the One and Only Ocean Club.Truly a gorgeous scene; if anyone is looking for destination wedding venues, definitely put this on the list.

The event was held in a garden area with a ton of naked men statues. I know that sounds weird, but they were probably the highlight of all the conversations I had that night.

Work events are always a bit awkward so conversation topics tend to focus on the scenery, food and service quality.

Topic of conversation

Topic of conversation

However, I will make a note about something I noticed regarding Men and any Caribbean island…

Why do men think wearing linen pants are OK on an island?

Can we just dive into this a minute?

  1. Linen pants are very difficult to pull off for most men.
  2. Most men do not wear linen pants appropriately. The sizes are always too small and the pants are always too wrinkled.
  3. When #1 and #2 are in full force you know what happens? Men get linen-pant camel toes.

Just from this short visit to the Caribbean, I’ve had enough Linen-Pant Camel Toes to last me a century.

Attention women: Good wives don’t let good husbands wear linen pants.

**Please wear responsibly **

Unless you are this man, you can not wear linen pants.

Unless you are this man, you can not wear linen pants.

Anyways, I drank way too much at that event- probably because I wanted to forget every male camel toe I had just seen– and spent the rest of the night in the Casino playing craps. By playing craps I mean rolling the dice for the craps players.

I have never been a fan of Casinos, but the Atlantis casino has a really great set-up. Between the sports betting area, slot machines and an everlasting flow of free drinks, I give it two thumbs up!

Taking pictures at a casino is illegal, I'm a total badass.

Taking pictures at a casino is illegal, I’m a total badass.

The second day for me was a wash; too many male camel toes and vodka tonics left me a hungover mess. There aren’t enough adjectives to describe the color of vomit that came out of me that day.

Sleep+Sun+Pool=cure

Sleep+Sun+Pool=cure

I’m just thankful it didn’t last long enough for my date with Flipper.

Yes, me and flipper had an amazing date at his place in Dolphins Cay.

At Dolphins Cay, you actually get in the water with dolphins. You can touch them, swim with them and even feed them. I highly recommend you go if you ever visit the Bahamas…even if it’s just to touch the dolphins. Touching a dolphin feels like you are groping a 400lb man in a wetsuit, very amusing to say the least.

The professional pictures taken were like $40,  so i’m too cheap to have purchased any to show you all, but I did try and catch some video to share.

The rest of the trip was a lot of the same; drinking too much, gambling, eating at a famous restaurant called NoBu? Which according to Boy Ryan should be named; No Food. We were still so hungry that after we ate, we went out to eat.

I only recommend this restaurant for aspiring anorexics.

But the last thing I wanted to share with you all is about my experience at The Cove private pool party.

photo 4 (3)

Cove tagline: “Live Your Life”

Things that happen at the Cove pool;

  • People show boob-age; whether they intend to or not
  • People make out wherever they feel like it; group make-outs are also encouraged
  • Rich Ugly Old men hang out with younger, attractive females
  • Sexual Dancing; both good and bad
  • Sex in the bathroom-yes I said sex in the PUBLIC bathroom
  • Patron being poured onto body parts and licked off
  • $7,000 drink bills

Here is how I sum up the party at The Cove pool;it’s a 6-8 hour long orgy every day, any day. Including Sundays! The orgy happens AFTER Sunday Church!

Over a 4 hour period I saw the pool party scene go from classy-cool to drunken-mess fest.

Although I wasn’t cool enough to partake in the festivities, I did capture these Cove party animals in their natural habitat for you all to see:

photo 5

See the younger women relaxing by the watering hole; calm, cool and collective…observation 2pm

photo 4

Watering hole begins to get crowded. More adult beverages are consumed. Animals begin to move around…observation 3:30pm

photo 2 (4)

Fat rich man begins to make his way over to younger attractive girls. He flashes them $100 bills and offers drinks. Young girls take bait….Observation 4:00pm

photo 3 (4)

Younger female begins to stand on chair and dance for fatter man in the pool. Her judgement is off, but she continues to entertain for another round of free drinks…observation 5:00pm

photo 1 (4)Total debauchery ensues. Dancing takes place. Group make-outs and “motor boating” are also observed.  Debauchery doesn’t slow down until well into the early evening….observation 7pm.

If you like a hard-core party scene, resort lifestyle and commercialized experience, then I highly recommend you visit the Atlantis resort. If you’re not entertained by the water slides, casinos, variety of restaurants or dolphins, you will be at the Cove. You might even be cool enough to hang out with the party animals!

Just remember one thing: DO NOT WEAR LINEN PANTS!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Meet My Publicist

14 Nov

Everyone, meet Danielle, my publicist. I’ve referenced her before in my posts and now you get the pleasure of meeting her. Danielle is my humor buddy, we discuss incredibly important topics like Pooping in Public, Waxing and Ryan Gosling.

I bribed her into writing some guest blogs on That Girl Ryan. This could be the start of a beautiful thing…

************************************************************************************************

Well hello That Girl Ryan followers!!

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First I would like to say how awesome it is to be given the privilege to be a guest blogger on That Girl Ryan today. I have been told that if I do a good job, I may be hanging around a little while. Let’s cut to the chase before I lose followers for her.

My name is Danielle or as That Girl Ryan calls me, “The Publicist”. Who do you think helps Ryan put these awesome posts together?? She has been pestering me to introduce myself to her blog world for quite some time now…I mean I did come up with the title for her blog. You people are lucky for that, she was trying to get all philosophical and name her blog about life and lemons or some stupid crap like that, so you’re welcome.

Ryan and I have known each other since we were 14 years old, and then she got all cool and I became an emo and that would have never worked out well in high school. We re-kindled our friendship this past year during our short stint as media sales reps.

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Now back to me…..

I did the whole college thing; took me five years but hey, I am a proud supporter of the 5 year plan! I mean I turned out just fine according to my roommates. I call my roommates; The Boss and Burt Reynolds (aka my mom and dad). For the past 24 years, I have been leeching life’s secrets off these people- and money and food. You will hear me mention life with The Roomies IF That Girl Ryan lets me come back.

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I’m what you can consider a walking exclamation point! I never grasped the concept of inside voices at a young age. I am loud and so is my laugh; I’m just always happy to be wherever I am. One of my talents is speed texting, I can out text any 16 year old any day of the week. BRING IT, I DARE YOU!

Being that That Girl Ryan is wifed up and is the mother to Queen A, as I call her; she sometimes loses touch with what it’s like to be young and free-like me. Don’t worry everyone I promise I won’t disappoint; I’m brutally honest and have the humor of a teenage boy. Relax, I know how to keep it classy. I look forward to telling you all about terrible first dates, life as a 20 something and just the shit you wish you could say out loud. Until next time….BAI!

The Turtlenecks Have Landed

12 Nov
I am trying something new folks, spice up the blogger write-life a little bit.
Every so often, I am going to dive into some of the worst fashion “Trends” out there to date. I can’t count the number of popular fashion bloggers that the internet currently hosts. Everything from “Must Haves” to “How to style yourself” posts are obviously very popular.
And because my fashion sense sucks, I might as well be labeled as a fashion-failure, I am going to bring you a different perspective on specific fashion pieces; because let’s face it, we all wear shit we hate.
The TurtleNeck and family

I tried to make it work

Brace yourself, the turtlenecks have arrived…Again.
I hate everything about them; the way they slowly suffocate you throughout the day, the way they accumulate excessive pit sweat, even how fat they make your face look.
I can totally relate to this cat

I can totally relate to this cat

 I tried to get rid of all mine this year during my annual, do good by donating clothes, but I kept one. Just one for a, just in case these dumb things come back in style, type of scenario.
And to my surprise, Glamour.com named the Turtle and Cowl neck as the season’s “must have” style for fall 2013.
WTF? Haven’t the fashion gods had enough of these things? When do the necks go into retirement? Platform shoes have been ousted out off the runway, but turtlenecks are still surviving? How does that happen?
Just Die Turtleneck, DIE!

Just Die Turtleneck, DIE!

But have no doubt, I have found OTHER ways Turtlenecks can be utilized.
Case in point:
1. Make a “White-Girl” BlueTooth. Add the accessories of a “Ghetto BlueTooth”, throw in a turtleneck and BAM, you have a “White Girl” Bluetooth. Ideal for excessively long conversations and hand talking.

FotoFlexer_Photo2

2. Try out a hair length BEFORE you cut! Don’t you hate when you want to do something “Drastic” to your hair and have no idea how it will look?
Problem Solved.
FotoFlexer_Photo

3. Animal hair issues? Not with a turtleneck. Your furry friend and his hair will no longer clog the vacuum.

Desheder

Screw you FURminator

4. Spend some quality time with your child; because sometimes close just isn’t close enough.

photo-45. Or use it as a new type of time-out

photo-5

3 minutes of silent time-out

6. Cover up your double, triple or quadruple chins.

Double Chin

Seriously, chins can be a problem

7. Shield your nose when someone in the office farts. Trust me, it works.

Steve from Accounting just dropped a bomb!

Steve from Accounting just dropped a bomb!

8. OR sneak in a quick nap at the office.

Photo on 11-5-13 at 6.45 PM


Nothing to see here, hard at work.

9. When you do all the above and still can’t get enough, you can now make any t-shirt a, Turtle T!

turtle t-shirt

10. For the laziest of the lazy, Cowl Necks (close cousins of the turtleneck) are ideal for feeding yourself without having to put in much effort. Holding bags of chips, packs of cheese and cans of popcorn are all compatible with a Cowl Neck.

cownecks

Turtlenecks are really a fashion nightmare. So make your life easier by re-purposing them for other things! It opens up a world of possibilities for those who wear them.

Make sure to tune in next time for Fashion Nightmares, where we will be discussing, bottom button onesies!

WHAT, is the purpose of them?

How did they get here?

What shall we do with them?

Uncomfortable, awkward and unflattering.

leotard

A Little Of This…A Little Of That

6 Nov

It’s been almost a week since Halloween 2013 and I am still devoured by my utter disappointment.

What happened to Halloween? It has turned into the red-headed step sister of Thanksgiving and Christmas  the Holidays (that was for my Jew friends).

The decorations were weak and so were the amount of tricker- treaters. My street looked like a creepy ghost town and I live in a neighborhood with tons of children.

Here Kiddies, Kiddies, Kiddies

Here Kiddies, Kiddies, Kiddies

Apparently, it’s cool now to go trick-or-treating before 6pm? How convenient.

Who had this brilliant idea? Stay at home parents? NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH STAY AT HOME PARENTS!

At 3pm, all the working people are at work and therefore cannot give out candy. Plus kids with working parents get the shit end of the deal since they miss out on the early bird candy specials.

Nonetheless, my little monster trekked the neighborhood streets after 6pm like a bad-ass. She and the 4 teenagers, who were way too old to be trick-or-treating, walked that neighborhood like bosses.  She did pretty well considering she missed the 3pm Halloween rush. Definitely scored enough candy for me and my husband to chow down on for at least a couple of weekends.

Perks of putting your kids to work.

Perks of putting your kid to work.

Whatever, Halloween sucks now, but this video clip is so well worth it. We may have missed submitting this video to Jimmy Kimmel, but it’s a winner in my book. One day, my kid will thank me for videotaping all the mean pranks I pull on her…

Some Other highlights of the night…

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She was under the impression that her costume was “BatMan” and Joba the turtle, was her loyal side-kick. Kid’s got imagination.

Our other dog Levi, thoroughly enjoyed his costume

Our other dog Levi, thoroughly enjoyed his costume

Speaking of the kid, her latest pre-school rumor really did a number on my parenting reputation.  When I picked her up from daycare this week, she decided to let all the teachers at school know that she is expecting a sibling. Yes, she told her entire pre-school that she was going to be a big sister.

Imagine the look on my face when a rush of teachers came to congratulate me on my non-existent pregnancy.

On the ride home, I had no idea as to how I was supposed to properly handle this situation…I decided to just be honest with her.

Me:Why did you tell everyone your going to be a big sister?”

Addison: “well lily and Jackie are going to be big sisters, so I wanted to be one too.”

ME:Being a big sister is kind of overrated.

Right now, between me, dad and you, we are a family of first borns, “the cream of the crop”, if you will.  Bringing in a younger sibling would only lower our family status.. First-borns are truly the rulers of the world. Plus, having a younger sibling would mean sharing the T.V. and I know how much you love your T.V.”

Addison:NO! not the TV, that’s my TV. Nevermind, I don’t want to be a big sister.”

Controversy Avoided, That Girl Ryan Parenting, a success.

While we are on the subject of parenting success, I wanted to share my most recent visit to NYC this weekend; courtesy of my mom, Mama O.

Mama O. brought me and my “less-supreme-younger-sibling” to the city for some shopping. We went on a “Fashionista Tour” sponsored by The Elegant Tightwad, if your interested: Details HERE

Basically, this fashion tour guides you through the not so typical shopping experience around the East Village. The stores we visited were eccentric and unique to say the least. Each shop varied in range of clothing options and prices, but the overall experience was priceless. In one of the stores, a custom hat boutique, I uncovered a new found love for hats.

(Not just like, I am totally into hats, but more like,  I now have this weird obsession with hats.)

"Younger Sibling" I gave her permission to try this on.

My middle sister modeling off her favorite piece.

I wanted every single hat in that store but paying $300 for hat?

Pshhh, that’s why China-town was invented.

When I found a suitable hat in China-town, I also found the world’s best sales-man. This little Indian shop owner saw my interest in a particular hat and was pushing hard to sell it to me. Every second that I stayed silent, he came down on his price. It was a truly brilliant sales technique.

Eventually he threw in a second hat for the price of one and we had a deal.

One hat for me, one hat for Mama O.

I just fucking love hats.

I am available to model. Please contact me if interested.

I am available to model. Please contact me if interested.

Mama O. thought her hat was a great purchase as well. She insisted on wearing it like a Muslim Brotherhood Member.

Mama O. Being stylish

After the tour, we did some shopping of our own and came across some interesting characters…As often as I go to New York City, I am still fascinated by the weirdo’s I come across.

Like this homeless man selling marijuana kitchen accessories…

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Who needs Ikea after looking through these gems?

OR these Mormons singing about eternal damnation…

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And we can’t forget about the random vandalism that New Yorkers call, “ART”….

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Perfectly good Tea Plates glued to the wall.

OR this…

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And finally, the gay black man, dancing through the East village with his boombox…

His dance moves were ridiculous

His dance moves were ridiculous

I mean seriously, how can you not love this place?!!

So between my disgust with Halloween, my invisible pregnancy and my new hat; This week was pretty eventful.

Until next time my friends…

That Girl Ryan

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