Wax On….Wax Off

27 Mar

IMG_2348

It’s Spring Time! A time for the sun to warm the earth, a time for a new and bright wardrobe, a time for the plans of summer to begin….but really, Spring time is a time for your post-winter bikini wax.

Similar to my thoughts about getting massages; bikini waxes are bizarre in theory. Removing hair from your nether region is a social fucking phenomenon.

I cringe just looking at this

I cringe just looking at this

I didn’t get my first waxing until 4 summers ago…you know why? My mom always said to me, “Your hair is meant to be there, if it wasn’t, god would make it hairless”

Besides that odd explanation, we now all know who isn’t a fan of rocking the Bald Eagle…if you know what I mean.

So, I made my appointment at the waxing center and walked in with hesitation…

“Welcome Ryan, Linda, your wax-er will be right out…you’re getting the bikini and eyebrow wax correct?” As cheery as possible.

“Yes”

That’s right lady… I’m here to rip the hair follicles out from my face and vag

“ok great have a seat”

You know what really jerks my chains, why the receptionist is so cheery about the whole thing. What is so pleasant about getting a wax? Nobody WANTS to be here, but when you walk-in, the receptionist acts like a greeter for an all inclusive resort in the Caribbean. To top it off, she always want to schedule your next appointment BEFORE you get wax-tortured. Probably because by the time you come back you won’t remember that you screamed the F-word 5 times and that you couldn’t walk for days after. Clever.

My waxer, Linda, appears and summons me back to the room. Here goes nothing…

Frida needs to be introduced to Linda the Waxer

Frida needs to be introduced to Linda the Waxer

“So, I see this is your first wax this season; ill make sure to take it slow’”O great, how embarrassing. Linda, the bikini wax-er clearly can tell I haven’t been here in a while…“So what are we doing today? Bikini, Brazilian, Bleaching?”

“Did you say bleaching? Like bleaching my pubs?”

“No, silly your asshole. Bleaching your butthole”

Put your money where the bleach is.

Put your money where the bleach is.

I’m sorry, I thought she said I can bleach my ass hole…I have many questions….

Does my asshole need to be bleached? It is obvious that its darker? Doesn’t bleaching make everything whiter? Being a white person, doesn’t that automatically guarantee a white hole? Would they offer bleaching to me if I was black? How would that work? Do I have a choice of bleaching with a certain color; like choosing highlights or low-lights?

Look, I admit, I haven’t looked down there since the age of 4 during my “Discovery phase”, I don’t even know what it looks like. But on that note, if I did bleach, who would see it? maybe it’s like getting a tattoo on your back. You never see it, you just know it’s there.

Seriously, what women in their right mind would invent this degrading procedure? I just can’t imagine a woman waking up one day and saying, “Wow, my asshole looks terrible in these jeans…I should bleach it”.

This whole concept is complete over-load for my brain right now.

“Um, yea ill pass on the ass bleaching for today, thanks”

Frog Stance...this is pretty accurate

Frog Stance…this is pretty accurate

“Ok, so well just stick with a full bikini wax then. Put your heels together and relax your legs like a frog…just relax.

Well, Linda, you don’t fuck around, girl-Get right to it.

Relax? No problem, I usually lay flat with my heels pressed together showing complete strangers a full frontal view of my Pickachu.

As Linda turns to retrieve the wax and make me balder than a babies ass…I started to think…

Are you there Bikini Hair? It’s me, Girl Ryan…

“Ready? Here we go!!”….Rip

Look, I’m real sorry about all this…it’s been a great winter…can’t thank you enough for the time that the power went out for 3 weeks or when I went skiing with only one pair of pants on. You probably prevented me from getting hypothermia.

Rip

But summer is on the way…and this is just how it has to be…especially if I want to start taking that Pilates class with shorts on. Can’t be the only one at the gym with long-spandex all summer.

Rip

Plus I might want to go the beach and play some volleyball…yea…I know I don’t play volleyball, but still, I can if I want to.

Rip

You know things just aren’t the same since the summer of 2004…Remember that wave at the beach that knocked me over and took my bathing suit top and bottoms? Yeaaaa… I can deal with flashing my bare A cups… but you, bikini hair…that’s an embarrassment I can’t afford again.

Rip… Rip

Hush, Hush, don’t cry, it will all be over soon.

Rip

“Ok, Ryan, now we should probably get the “inner section.” Looking now, this shouldn’t be too difficult to do, your inner’s are very… accessible.”

I have to admit, I haven’t heard someone say that since college and I sure didn’t expect to hear it from my wax-er. And what the hell does that mean my inner’s are accessible? Like its open? Just flying around in the wind?

I suddenly remembered a story I heard last week about this girl who had a sloppy vagina. Obviously, it’s a male’s way of referencing a girl’s parts, basically calling them ugly and mis-moshed. I guess its like a female calling a guy’s area a “Micro-penis”. Though I have never seen one personally, I know what a micro-penis looks like, I googled it. But I have no idea what the fuck a sloppy V would look like.

I quickly took out my phone and did the only thing I could think of at that moment.

Text Message Girl Ryan: DO I HAVE SLOPPY VAG?

Text Message Boy Ryan: ?????

Text Message Girl Ryan: Don’t fuck around, I’m getting waxed at this moment and need to know!

Text Message Boy Ryan: What’s a sloppy vagina? Is that like having Roast Beef Vag?

(Roast Beef vagina: I would define this, but I think you get it)

And no, You have a beautiful vagina.

Text Message Girl Ryan: Ok, if you say so…ttyl

For Life's Biggest Questions

For Life’s Biggest Questions

Ok, I should know by now not to ask my husband questions like this. It’s like asking him if I look fat wearing a hippo costume…he would never tell me the truth.

So, I decided to ask Google what it looks like and never will again….the related searches were composed of the following:
“How do you get sloppy vag?…Is it contagious?…What does it look like?”

Shit I guess this is a common thing. One Medical website even said that 3 out of 8 women have a Sloppy V. Maybe I need to get a professional opinion…Yes…next time when I’m there, I’m going to ask my doctor if I have an ugly vagina.

“Ok, Ryan. Your all done. Here’s a mirror to see if I missed any spots.”

She hands me a hand-held mirror…Seriously? What the hell am I suppose to do with this?!?”

Mirror, Mirror in my hand…who has the prettiest vagina in all the land?

Yes, Mirror, tell me who has the fairest one of all?

Yes, Mirror, tell me who has the fairest one of all?

“That’s OK, I’m sure it looks great…I trust your waxing skills, Linda.”

I quickly scoot out of the wax center-on-fire– and ease into my car. Honestly, all I wanted to do at that moment was go home and dance naked in front of the mirror; you know… check out my new “do”.

But instead, I decided to head over to my mom’s house for dinner. This situation has traumatized me enough for one day and cooking my own dinner tonight was just out of the question.

I opened the door and hear music playing in the living room: Girl on Fire, by Alicia Keys…This girl is on fire…She’s walking Her bikini line is on fire… how appropriate…exactly what I’m feeling right now.

Suddenly, I’m greeted by my mom: “Hey, rye, hungry? I just picked up some Sloppy Joe’s and Roast beef sandwiches for dinner…”

UGH, Fuck my Life.

Picture11

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/03/28/daily-prompt-tears/

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19 Responses to “Wax On….Wax Off”

  1. Mocha April 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

    OUUUUCCCCCHHHHH!!!!!

    • rynolexson April 1, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

      Ouch is right…pain is beauty my friend.

      • Mocha April 1, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

        indeed…

  2. Piper Bayard July 12, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

    That was really educational. I had a bikini wax once. Once. I regularly recommend to my writing partner Jay Holmes, who is a “senior mouseketeer” in the intelligence community, that waxing be employed during enhanced interrogations at Guantanamo. There can’t possibly be a legal question about it when so many women pay to have it done every day, and it’s guaranteed to be effective. Do you suppose Linda would want that job? Don’t know if those guys would be interested in the bleaching or not. That’s a new one on me, too. Never met a guy who gave a damn. By the time they get that far, they’re generally not about complaining.

    • rynolexson July 12, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

      What a great idea…I’ll go out on a limb and say waxing MIGHT be worse than water torture…maybe. And I agree, the bleaching is such a strange thing that you have to wonder what guy would notice? I can see it now…”Actually, I changed my mind, your not bleached and I just can’t do this…sorry”. But then again, we live in a society who pays for butt implants…odd times.

      • Piper Bayard July 12, 2013 at 1:40 pm #

        Any man who quits because a girl hasn’t bleached is doing society a favor by not breeding.

      • rynolexson July 12, 2013 at 1:42 pm #

        lol, I couldn’t agree more!

      • Piper Bayard July 12, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

        Are you on Twitter?

      • rynolexson July 12, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

        Yes, I don’t use it that much, but my handle is @rynolexson. What’s yours?

      • rynolexson July 12, 2013 at 1:50 pm #

        NVM, found you…

      • Piper Bayard July 12, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

        Let me know if you want to get more active in Twitter. I’ll introduce you around the block and give you some tips on building your audience. 🙂

      • rynolexson July 12, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

        I would love that! I just started this blog in November and haven’t quite figured out how to build my audience…any tips would be greatly appreciated!

      • Piper Bayard July 12, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

        You bet! Say hi over at Twitter so I’m sure to make the connection, and I’ll help you get going.

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