Tag Archives: Facebook

A Message to 20 Somethings From a 20 Something

9 Oct

unico

Do you envision a successful future, similar to the one captured above? Do you consider yourself special compared to other people? Do you want to be someone amazing?

Yes?

Then you are probably a 20 something.

I’m sure we have all heard the bitching that goes on about Generation Y. Lazy, unrealistic and overly hopeful are usually the chosen adjectives when describing this eclectic group of individuals. But who could blame us? We don’t know where we are going in life and we’re fresh out of college, trying to move out of Mom and Dad’s house…I totally get it. Our life is hard and a lot of work.

Let’s not even discuss work. Most of us are coffee runners for hot shots in the big cities. We excel at making copies, setting up calendar invites and stapling together presentations. And what would a company be without the person who knows to how staple projects together; the whole thing would go to shit with loose papers flying everywhere.

To us, it sucks, no body gets a college degree to make copies, yet we continue these jobs to receive, brighter, bigger promotions in the future.

According to the “Old” generations (and yes, I’m calling you people old), we aren’t patient enough and expect promotions immediately. We leave our jobs if we don’t like them and make careers into blogging and posting YouTube videos.

Pathetic, the “Old” crowd says.

And while I don’t necessarily agree with the “Old” generations, I have to say I get where they are coming from. But is it really our fault? Weren’t we raised and mentored by these old people?

 I am different, I am special and I am going to be somebody. My parents, my teachers, my coaches and that purple dinosaur BARNEY always led me to believe this. So why is it when I get into the real world, this same “Old” generation now giggles at my aspirations to be a CEO at 35? The “Old” generation made me and my peers into what we are today; ambitious dreamers looking always looking for the better opportunity.

Nevertheless, I decided to understand the other side of the argument; a way to punch holes in the “Lazy Generation Y” theory. This is how I discovered a select group of individuals who I believe are living in a 20 something fantasy world.

Discovering this not only evoked irritation and made me feel shameful for being among this age group, but also gave me some great material for my first (and probably last) video blog. Feelings this strong, could only be accurately portrayed in the form of a video.

The discovery came when I was perusing Facebook one day. A viral fiasco broke out and of course I needed to investigate the drama myself. A particular blogger (who I won’t say) wrote a post about being a 20 something. She said ludicrous, outlandish and purely naive statements that made my mouth drop to the floor. Of course I would have let the whole thing go if she didn’t happen to draw the attention of other stupid 20 somethings.  90 comments posted on her blog solidified my theory that there are indeed 20 somethings who are a total embarrassment to the rest of us. These are the people who live life in a fairy tale, riding off into rainbows accompanied by Unicorns.

I almost vomited by the out-pouring of comments that read, “You totally understand what I think about on a daily basis”.

Long story short, I created a video blog to share specific parts of the “20 somethings” blog I wasted five minutes of my life on. Of course, I have included my comments and reactions to her pathetic thoughts.

DISCLAIMER: That Girl Ryan is clearly not a movie producer or creator…this will not win an Oscar nor will it be seen as professional video….I am well aware of this.

What have we learned from this?

GENERATION Y’s, specifically the 20’s somethings are not all idiots. Some of us actually have a brain with a mind and will certainly end up being intelligent, contributing members of society. Sure, we may all ride on an Unicorn from time to time  but have no doubt, not all of us are total ass wipes.

And to the “20 something” blogger who decided to broadcast your stupidity to other stupid “20 somethings”…

This is not Disney World and you are not fucking Cinderella…please grow a pair and dis-mount your Unicorn. It’s about time you get with the program.

The Social Matrix

27 Jun

Readers-I entered myself into a blog contest, a creative writing blog contest. I know my usual style is profane, raunchy and personal humor writing, but i figured, Hey, let’s try something new!.

Anyways, I am sharing it with you all if your interested.

However, I must warn you: There are no pictures (But That Girl Ryan, how do we read this 2,000 word entry without pictures?!) Well, the writing should paint some pictures in your mind (this is my artsy response to your question)…give it a try.

No Pictures? I Can't Do It!!!

No Pictures? I. Can’t. Do. It.

Blog Contest Background:

The story has to be about a guy named John, who has amnesia. He wakes up everyday and doesn’t remember anything about himself.

The One Rule, You must use this sentence in your entry:

When I left, I woke up for the first time, again.

Let me know what you think! See the other entries here: http://people.ign.com/bulltoad

It was 6:05AM and the sun started to shine through the window. Damn Sunlight, it’s the bane of my existence. For most, sunlight means the start of a new day, a day filled with potential. For me, it’s nothing more than the start of my nightmare.

I took a deep breath preparing myself for the foreign feeling of not knowing who I was. Slowly, I stretched my hands across both sides of me, feeling the silky, soft sheets of my bed until I reached a barrier.

The barrier was warm and soft, it felt like the side of a human being. My heart stopped, I was afraid to open my eyes. Who is this person lying next to me? One eyed peeked just enough to see a naked woman sleeping on her belly. I scanned up her bare back…she was blonde…and beautiful. Quickly, I jumped out of bed and got dressed wanting to avoid this awkward morning-after, confrontation.

My head pounded and my vision was fuzzy, Wow, last night must have been a good time, I thought to myself. I could still taste the whiskey on my breath as it parched the inside of my mouth.

Dragging myself into the bathroom, I looked into the mirror. Who is this person? I hadn’t recognized myself for what felt like a long time and It made me sick knowing that I wake up every day feeling the same way. I looked into my own eyes, they were a deep colored blue and had glazed over as if they hadn’t been alive in months.

My thoughts were interrupted by the mysterious woman scrambling to put on her clothes.

Hi john, I know you don’t know me, but just listen. Don’t leave this house or go anywhere. I’ll explain everything when I get back, I won’t be long.” She hurried out the front door before I had a chance to speak.

How did she know my name? Who am I?

Staying in this house all day was not an option, I didn’t want to be alone with this stranger staring back at me in the mirror. Today, I would find out who I was; learn the truth behind my existence.

I had no idea where I was headed to, but I walked out the door and jumped into the first car I spotted parked outside. With the keys conveniently in the ignition, I felt my body take over. Though I had no idea how to drive a car, my movements were automatic. As the car roared forward, the gas pedal underneath my foot, a robotic voice came over the stereo speakers:

Hello, John, where would you like to go today?”

Holy shit, I thought to myself, who is this?

Hello-whose there?”

Hello, john, where would you like to go today?”

I didn’t know what to say, who was this woman? How did she know my name?

I’d really like to make my head stop pounding.”

Sure , John, re-routing to the nearest coffee shop

She guided me through an urban area where hundreds of people were rushing to a destination. I had a longing to be amongst them, just so I could have that feeling of knowing I was expected to be somewhere.

I parked the car and headed into the coffee shop. Looking around, each person was sitting at a table, zoned out. Their eyes focused on a screen in front of them. Some were pounding their fingers furiously on the screen, taking no time to pause. I walked in further to get a closer look at these screens. Each screen was outline with pictures, words and ads. What were they all staring at? I was so mesmerized by their intense focus, I plopped next to a young male and inquired about the screen.

You like this model?” the young male said to me

I’m sorry?”

You like this laptop model? It’s the newest edition. Such a fast connection and it links to all your social networks at once!”

I had no idea what this kid was talking about. He must have seen the complexity on my face and continued to explain by pulling out another smaller device with the same type of screen.

I just got this bad boy yesterday…fully loaded, smartphone. My twitter account simultaneously connects to my brain and can post what I am thinking. Watch this” He pointed to his screen and closed his eyes. As he held the device, a secret, coded message appeared on the screen. I suspect it was part of this “Twitter” language, one that I was not fluent in.

It read:

Cool Jack: Just trying out my new @smartphone edition! #YOLO

The young kid opened his eyes and waited for my reaction. I gave him my best smile, but felt nothing but disgust, who made technology that could access waves in the human brain?

Not a fan of Twitter?” he asked in disappointment.

No

Not even Facebook? EVERYONE uses Facebook!

No, what’s the Facebook?”

It’s called Facebook…drop the- “The”.. and it’s basically a full population database.

Everyone has one?”

Dude, everyone! It’s the only way to identify yourself these days

How do I get to The Facebook?”

HA, get to FACEBOOK…remember, drop the- “the”…you just have to get on the internet and type in the address.”

Ok-thanks for your help

I rushed out the door and got back into the car.

“Hello, John, where would you like to go?” the mysterious voice asked me.

“To the Facebook. I need to go to the Facebook, right now.”

“Im sorry John, I’m not sure what you mean. To the Race Park?”

“No the facebook!”

“I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you mean”

Forget it, robot woman couldn’t understand me, what was the point of her anyway? Surely someone else would know where to find this Book of Faces. Out of nowhere, a man pulled me inside a store. “WELCOME! To wireless central, how may I help you today?”

“ I am trying to get to The Facebook-I was told I can get there thru the internet?”

“Ah, yes you can get on Facebook by purchasing a Smartphone! All our Smartphone’s come equipped with the internet as well. These are all our smart phones” he pointed to a section of screened devices.

“So I can only get to The Facebook from Smartphones, not dumbphones?”

“Haha, you’re so funny! I guess that’s a good way to put it, but no, you can’t”

 “I’ll take it then”

As he gave me the device, I felt a sense of excitement. THIS was the key to finding out who I was.

I pressed some buttons on the phone and another robotic voice came on.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“I want to find The Facebook”

“Sure, do you mean the address for Facebook?”

“Yes”

“Would you like directions?”

“Yes”

As I began my journey, I passed several newsstands with front page articles written about this “Book of Faces”. Some of the article titles were…

Facebook, to take over the world!

The man behind Facebook’s newest invention.

Is the new Facebook technology going to ruin mankind?

This place really seemed to be a big deal, it was bound to have the information I was looking for.

When I came upon a glass building, my device had told me that I had arrived at my destination. As I looked up, I saw the words I had been searching for: FACEBOOK Headquarters

I walked in and was greeted by a young girl at the front desk.

“Is this The Facebook?” I asked her.

She giggled, “Yes, this is Facebook-Drop the-“The”, how can I help you?”

“I am here to find out who I am, I have been told that The Facebook would help me do that”

Before she could answer, the phone rang.

“Hold on a minute” she said.

“Hello? Hi, Ms. Hanson…o, yes….” She glanced back up at me “I understand…sure, I will send him right up” She hung up the phone.“John, please follow me”

I didn’t speak a word as I followed the young girl into the elevator. The doors opened and there were tons of people typing at those weird screens I had seen earlier. As I continued down a hallway, the people around me seemed to stop and stare. Their whispers flew through the rest of the office like wildfire…

That’s him…yea, I saw a whole documentary about his life…total genius…he’s going to change the world…looks older in person…what a brave guy.

The young girl stopped in front of an office door and directed me to go in. I looked up to see the naked woman from earlier this morning standing behind a desk.

“John, John, John…your arrival is right on time everyday! I don’t know how you do it, but the research team is fascinated.”

“Who are you? How do you know me?” I demanded.

She rolled her eyes and sighed “We do this every day John, it’s getting rather annoying. Maybe one day you will actually listen to me and NOT leave the house.”

I sat, feeling anxious for what she was about to tell me.

“You are part of a facebook experiment, one that you created! Soon after taking over the company, we decided our users needed more, something so pioneer that Twitter, Instagram and all those other social losers couldn’t keep up with. Our plan was to re-write every Facebook user’s brain so it could live, breathe, eat the social network. We are still in the beginning stages with this experiment, but we already have erased your mind to re-program it back into the network matrix. Soon you will be able to get a full facebook profile on every stranger you meet. It will be delivered straight to your conscious mind. Eventually, our brains will be programmed like computers so there is no need for any material devices.

“So people want to trade in their natural abilities for a computerized mind? I am responsible for The Facebook Experiment?”

“Yes, facebook-drop the-“the””

My heart began to race as I stood up “Why would anyone want to live in this social network?”

“Because, people are obsessed! They are always on the network and wanted Facebook to integrate more into their lives! You are a genius and our work with this experiment is a technological break-through!”

I felt sick as I stood up to leave, finding the first exit out of the Facebook building.

When I left, I woke up for the first time, again. I woke up to realize that my nightmare each and every day is something I created.

As I walked back into the city, I wanted nothing more than the feeling of being alive, knowing when the blanket of night approached, my memories of feeling real would be covered. How could I have traded pure reality for a programmed one?

When I reached the entrance to  “The Mind Eraser Bar”, I figured I should go in for a drink. The smell of whiskey and cigarettes filled my lungs as I opened the door.

“Evening John, the usual?” asked the bartender.

The bartender knew my usual order? I must come here every day…but for some reason the familiarity gave me a sense of comfort.

Around 12am, I stumbled out of the bar, staying just long enough to feel numb from the truth and walked into a tattoo parlor. I told the artist I needed a permanent reminder on my arm, just one lasting memory.

Perplexed, the tattoo artist asked, “Sure, what were u thinking? A dragon? A skull? You look like a skull type of guy”

“No, I want a reminder, a reminder so permanent, nothing can erase it. I scribbled the words on a piece of paper and handed it to him.

 It read: “Do Not Search For The Facebook, Today

“Do you mean Facebook? I think you drop the -“the”

I laid in the chair and fell asleep as he scribed a note for the stranger in the mirror.

Green with Envy, The Jafees

16 May

When I started blogging, I thought I was THE SHIT..Like super-star potential awesome…I hear this is a common symptom in the Generation Y age groups. But then I started reading other people’s blogs (OPB).  And they make me sick with their talent, humor and amusing stories-yuck.

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

This morning, Go Jules Go, granted 6 bloggers the Jafee award.

The Jafees! is given out to bloggers by bloggers. Jafee stands for “Jealous As F***” . This award symbolizes that someone out there-creepy blog readers like me– Are jealous of other bloggers ideas and talents.

I like it, its about time we are start sharing our resentful tendencies with one another. So instead of sitting here at my computer, thinking of how much I hate my favorite bloggers (because I’m just envious that I didn’t think of their ideas) I’ve decided to be the bigger person and let my favorite bloggers know that their talent pisses me off and to tone it down-give other people a chance to shine, god dammit.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

564472_129960310497100_1659563866_n1. Don of All Trades

I’m so jealous of Don.

Don is this guy that- I assume is pretty old- but he makes parenting look cool…Do you know how hard it is to make parenting look cool? The snot, the tantrums and the vomit…he makes it all look glamorous.

All his kids have these nifty nicknames…especially the one called “G$”. I’d give my left arm to be called “G$“. Secretly, I think hes the male, much older, version of me…He’s got ADD, talks trashy AND clearly likes to drink…definitely my type of blogger. Go ahead Don, keep being amazing, I dare ya.

coffee_pic2. The Jiggly Bits

Teeny Bikini is fucking hysterical. There is just no way other way to put it-the girl makes me pee my pants laughing. Her perspective on life and UN-matched sarcasm is enough to make any gal look mediocre. Every week, I wait by my email like a loser, ready for her next adventurous post- especially if it has to do with her RAD-Cat licking nipples. Girlfriend-you rock.

I'm pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

I’m pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

3. Go Jules Go

Who isn’t jealous of Go Jules Go? She’s like the popular girl in high school that everybody wants to be. She’s blonde, funny AND can rock a stache better than any guy I know. When I first started my blogging journey less than 4 months ago, I frequently would visit Jule’s blog. This chick has like 5 husbands and has a dog named Uncle Jesse. Seriously- your perfect life makes me vomit.

246758_188954201157042_6444522_n

4. The Jittery Goat

Kenton Lewis is nothing but pure talent. He is always the first to post on WordPress’s The Daily Post and that just boils my blood. Most days, I have to do this thing…its called work… and can’t participate, but Kenton Lewis  has his post written and perfected five minutes after the topic is released…What The Hell Kenton? Either this dude is a mind reader or he’s just that talented. Plus, his mom is 99  and he is a published author…I just can’t handle it.

962937_10151385866695588_352634079_nlogo5. Small Chick, Big Deals

Sara is a personal friend of mine from college. I knew her when she began her blog and have watched it take off into a huge success. Her restaurant reviews and connections with local spots in New Jersey is enough to make anybody cringe with envy. She gets free clothes from clothing boutiques AND free food. Plus, she is one of those skinny girls that will never get fat-no matter what she eats. UGH Annoying.

If your a blogger…spread the jealousy!! This award can be given to anyone-by anyone! Rules HERE.

What bloggers are so freaking annoyingly- awesome that you want to give them a Jafee?

The Most Interesting Man In The World

19 Feb

This topic was inspired by a writing challenge that was posted on WordPress.com last Friday.

The Prompt:

This week’s writing challenge: Tell us about a character in your life. It could be your best friend, your partner, your child, or even your third grade teacher. With as much detail as possible, make this person real for us. Tell us more than what they look like or how you met. Let us know what their laugh sounds like, or that oddball quirk that makes this person so unique.

After reading this, one person in my life immediately came to mind….

The Man of the Hour

The Man of the Hour

Coming into this world, you don’t get choose much. Your parents, your home, your siblings…they usually just come with the main package of birth. Sometimes I wonder that maybe each of us are placed strategically in an environment to learn valuable life lessons from those around us. Well, let me tell you, this particular person has taught me a lot about life, in a variety of interesting ways.

This character at first glance is very normal looking, brown eyes with blondish hair (blonde from sun-in, but he would never admit that) his height is nothing to gawk at and neither is his weight; the one thing that makes this character in my life so unique is his mind. This character has the most interesting perspectives I have ever heard, his thoughts and theories would crumble a grown man’s entire moral structure (in a good way) with one in-depth discussion because you just can’t predict what this guy is going to say next.

Let me put it to you this way; I’ve known the man my entire life and still can’t figure that fucker out.

You just haven’t lived until you have spent some time with my dad.

My dad is a born and breed jersey boy, but not the Guido type. He is still married to my mother, lord help him and has three girls, the best being his eldest daughter, me of course.

Ever since I was a wee-toddler, I have always found him fascinating. His mind works in ways that I don’t think Stephan Hawke could keep up with and he has more conspiracy theories than Jesse Ventura. He is just THAT interesting.

dadTm

So, let’s all try and understand my dad, maybe you can figure him out. 

Andy’s Advice 

My dad gives some killer advice. His advice does not come in long winded speeches or rants; His advice comes out of nowhere and is never up for discussion. He literally will walk into a room, delivers the line and exits (no questions please). You just take it for what its worth and move on.

My top 5 favorite Andy Advice lines:

  1. If you ever do something bad and get caught, don’t ever admit to it. Even if you get caught red-handed, you LIE and LIE and never admit it was you.(age 12)
  2. Police are all pigs, they are out to screw you over. Don’t ever trust a cop, I can’t stand them. (age 17)
  3. Listen Ryan, I’ve done a lot in my life and I am all for trying everything once. Seriously, try it all once but always, no matter what, always make sure you wrap the “Tool” before having fun. (age 16)
  4. When I die, I am going to visit you as a ghost, don’t be all scared…because then I will just screw with you and make you scared. (age 20)
  5. You only get about 80 solid years on this earth, so you might as well have a good time while you’re here. (age 23)

Andy’s Spirituality

My dad has always been interested in the supernatural and unexplained phenomenon. When my friends come over, the only rule I asked them to follow with my dad is to NOT ask/talk/mention anything related to ghost, psychic or orbs. They can talk about drugs, sex and rock and roll, but please -NO supernatural shit.

My dad’s particular interest is orbing (catching ghost energy in pictures). According to some ghost hunters, a person’s energy never really disappears, even after they die. Their energy is attracted to other energy which is why if you take a picture, orbs can be present in the photo.

Orbs

Orbs

When I was younger, about 10, he would pick me up from soccer practice and tell me that we are making a pit stop before heading home. I would get so excited thinking we were going to get ice cream but you know where the pit stop was? In a fucking graveyard. My dad would go to the graveyard with his camera so he could get photo evidence of  spirits. He would actually make me get out of the car and be in his pictures to “attract” the spirits. I am no expert in parenting, but using your child as ghost bate doesn’t seem to be very orthodox.

One time, my family actually took an orbing vacation to Gettysburg on the anniversary of the Gettysburg battle. Yes, courtesy of Andy, we spent 4 days romping around the battlefields at night taking pictures to catch orbs.

I remember going back to school after summer vacation…

“So Ryan, I went to the Bahamas over summer break, what did you do?!”

“I went ghost hunting with my family in graveyards”

That is a great transition into my dad’s next fascination, psychics. Have you ever heard of Edgar Cayce? Well he is a famous psychic that wrote a bunch of books on futuristic prophecies, past life predictions and holistic ways to cure sicknesses. Needless to say my dad has always been a loyal fan. He has even tried some of these holistic treatments to cure my family…

Got a Problem? Andy’s got an answer for that!

 

Nagging Cough?
Andy’s Answer: take an empty barrel, fill it with apple brandy and breathe in the fumes with short tube.
You want to know how embarrassing it is to have your friends come over and your entire family is inhaling fumes from a barrel full of apple brandy? No, because I bet your dad would simply go down the street for some fucking Robitussin.

Hair loss?

Andy’s Answer: Crude Oil!

Crude Oil comes from god knows where, it smells like rubber and engulfs the entire house in that exact smell. My dad would bathe his head in this shit, every other day for months to encourage his hair follicles to grow. But it gets worse…He would force me to look at his “bald spot” –located on the back of his head-and tell him his hair was growing back.

“Ryan, come here. Look at my head. Is there more hair there?”

“Dad, It looks no different from last week”

“What the fuck do you  mean? Yes there is your not looking hard enough, look again”

“Dad, I don’t see anything. I have to go”

But even if you do tell him you see the hair growth, that’s never good enough, he must see the proof for himself. My sister actually found a folder on his computer of “Bald Spot” pictures. He would take pictures of his bald spot, upload them on his computer so he could analyze the growth himself.

I would assume most dad’s have a secret folder of porn pictures on their computer; mine has a secret folder of “hair re-growth” pictures on his.

Diabetes?

Andy’s Answer: Jerusalem Artichokes.

This year when my 9 year old sister was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, (the kind that’s in-curable), guess who had the cure?! Modern medicine? No, of course not because brilliant doctors have no idea what they are doing. But Andy knows just the trick, Jerusalem Artichokes. My dad suggested that my sister stop taking insulin and just eat Jerusalem Artichokes to cure her diabetes, but unfortunately, my mother put a stop to that plan.

Famous Andy Pranks

My dad’s pranks have left lasting scars on my development as a competent adult.

1. When I was 6, sometimes my mom would go on business trips. My dad would take of advantage of the lack of parental authority and let me watch movies such as Freddy Krueger, Chucky, and Poltergeist.

Ok, so I can live with little kids watching scary movies, but he would take it a step further. He would hide in my room, preferably in a dark corner and put on his Freddy Kruger mask from Halloween. When I would walk into my room and turn on the lights, SURPRISE Freddy Kruger, the child killing machine would be there to greet me. He always found this hilarious and never could understand why I am still scared of the dark at the age of 24. Thanks Dad for the heart-restart.

Imagine this beauty hiding in your room.

Imagine this beauty hiding in your room

2. Fast forward a few years later, age 9, and my family went on a camping trip. My dad runs down to the local grocery and invited me to come along. While we was in the store, I found a playground and asked my dad to let me know when he was leaving. About 10 minutes later as I was on the swings, I see my dad’s car drive off. I immediately start to race after the car, waving my hands and screaming to my dad. The car continued down the street, turned the corner and disappeared. I sat for a moment to take in what had just happened, my dad left me at a gas station and I started to hysterically cry.  About 6-8 minutes later, the car returned and I see my dad laughing his ass off.

Ryan, the look on your face was priceless! Hahaha that was so funny, you actually thought I left you. I was just playing a joke, get in the car, And- O and don’t tell your mother”

 

Andy’s War on Technology

At home, my dad is always on the computer, probably re-analyzing his bald spot pictures. When you ask him what he is doing, he immediately responds with “Im doing some work”. But you know what he is really doing? He is reading about  holistic medicine therapies, researching UFO sightings, and surfing on facebook.

Andy has more friends on facebook than I do. You know why? Because he has friended all of my friends. I actually have been at a party and overheard two of my friends chatting,

“O, so I saw your friends on facebook with that guy Andy; who the hell is he?”

“I dunno, I saw he was friends will all my facebook friends so I just accepted his request.”

I refuse to inform these people that, that guy “Andy” is my dad because at the end of the day, he will always be that guy who “likes” your post.  Even if you posted the dumbest thing on facebook, Andy will “Like” the post and make you feel special, so its better, I guess, he friends everyone. 

 

Want to friend Andy? Here's his profile...just be careful, he might find you first: https://www.facebook.com/andrew.olexson?ref=ts&fref=ts

Want to friend Andy? Here’s his profile…just be careful, he might find you first: https://www.facebook.com/andrew.olexson?ref=ts&fref=ts

AutoCorrect

Once My dad asked me to take off the auto correct on his cell phone because it messed up his text messages.

“Why do you want me to take it off dad?

“Because I can’t spell certain words. Like for instance, yesterday I went to spell Farkle and it kept auto-correcting to the word, Sparkle”

I’m no spelling-bee winner, but what the fuck is farkle? Is that a real word, can you use it in a sentence? Who texts the word farkle?

Well I looked it up….

Just a typical Saturday night playing FARKLE!

Just a typical Saturday night playing FARKLE!

The back-extension machine

One weekend my dad was MIA. He was locked up in the garage and nobody knew what he was up to. Then on Sunday night, he came upstairs and you could tell he was very proud of himself. He grabbed a drink of water and went back downstairs. I assumed that he had finished his project so I followed him a few minutes after to snoop and see what he was up to.

I open the door to the garage and saw my dad hanging from the ceiling, upside down like a bat in a cave. I looked up to the ceiling and realized he had taken his old roller blades and made them shoe-hooks. These hooks, were attached to an anchor on a piece of wood that was nailed into the ceiling.

“God dammit ryan, shut the door! I am fixing my back!”

“fixing your back? Your hanging from the ceiling! What is the point of that?”

“I read on the internet that this helps your back, now get out. O, and don’t tell your mom, she will get all psycho and tell me I’m weird”

Yes, the man created a home-back extension machine in his own garage. You have got to give him kudos for the idea…

Doomsday wannabe prep-per

Have you ever seen that show “DoomsDay Prepper?” My dad is borderline qualified to be on this show. Him and my mother went through a mid-life crisis and they did not buy a red convertible or get a younger girlfriend or boyfriend, they started prepping.

Step 1: The developed a “ trash composite” site in their backyard

Step 2: They bought a generator

Step 3: They began eating weird plants like “Wheat grass” and Chi Seeds

Step 4: They dug up the entire yard to put in public water system so they can save their well water for a “disaster”

Step 5: They hoard enough fire wood to heat the neighborhood

Step 6: They started lecturing my siblings and I about the end of the world and their plan of action

Step 7: My dad started researching on the internet all the possibilities that could result in a doomsday situation and the many things he needs to do to prepare for each.

Step 8: When Hurricane Irene hit, a lot of the transformers in the town started to explode and gave off a bright green light. My parents insisted these were not transformers, but aliens landing on earth.

Dooms Day Preppers, Meet Andy.

He could survive any disaster.

He could survive any disaster.

So yes, when your born you don’t choose your parents and I’m so glad I got stuck with mine. My dad may be a little off center, but he’s quite an interesting character and if you know my dad, you are just as lucky as I am.

And Dad, if your reading this…I already know what you’re thinking,

“This whole post is full of shit. I DO NOT take pictures of my bald spot”

Well, the entire world knows that you really do. But dad, do us all a favor- don’t ever change a thing, I love you just the weird way that you are.

 

Caution! I Will Judge Your Facebook Status.

4 Dec

As I peruse through Facebook every day, I have begun to learn from most of my Facebook Friends their PFS (Predictable Facebook Statuses).

It may be that I have too much time on my hands, yes I am well aware, but I found this quite amusing and decided to share my stereotypes with you all because I assume I am not the only one out there  judging others based on their facebook statuses.

However, I asked myself, what if we started to respond to these posts? Yes, Instead of pressing “like” because you know it’s polite, what if you went crazy and wrote what you are REALLY thinking?

Well, I am not that ballsy yet, but If I was, this is what I would say.

1. Dear Abby Mothers

Dear Abby mothers are women who have recently become mothers. They post everything about their kids and usually ask for advice. It’s cute to see their kids pictures, but sometimes their posts just get too…well, graphic….

Karen’s Status: Ok, Facebook Moms! Johnny is almost 3 weeks old and won’t latch on! Any advice how I can get this little angel to latch on the right nipple?!

Listen Karen, Little Johnny is cute, and if you want him to milk you like a cow that’s your deal, but I’d recommend getting a book. I don’t need a visualization of that shit. Thanks.

2. Facebook Hoochies

My personal favorite. If Facebook hoochies and match.com ever got together, I think it might be a money maker. These girls have the need to “Facebook photo” themselves at every waking moment. I am still trying to figure out why they do this. You know it’s bad when you log into your newsfeed and think for a split second you logged into to porn site.

Sample Facebook Hoochie Post:

Yes, I was guilty of being a Facebook Hoochie back in the day.

Yes, I was guilty of being a Facebook Hoochie back in the day.

 

3. The “Inviters”

I wish I could delete the inviters. The inviters “invite” you to join some dumb facebook app that sends notifications to your Iphone. I get all excited thinking that someone wrote on my wall or commented on my facebook hoochie photo, but nooooo, I get this:

Facebook Notification: Cindy has invited you play Farmville! Click here to join her.

Listen Cindy, I don’t want to play fucking Farmville. I don’t know why anyone on earth would want to pretend to be a fucking farmer. I deal with pigs and clean up enough shit at work so I think I’ll pass on this one.

 

4. My Life’s a Lyric– Those people who post a lyric for what ever situation they are going through in life.

Ronald’s Status: More Money, More Problems – Biggie Smalls

Ronald, you don’t make enough money to post this lyric, you’re a floor manager at foot locker.

OR

Stacey’s Status: “Go on now, go, walk out that door! / Just turn around now / cause you’re not welcome any more / Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?”

Ah, No! Another break up Stacey? He needs to treat you with R.E.S.P.E.C.T/Find out what it means. AMEN girlfriend.

5. Status Teasers

Now, i’m not going to lie, facebook IS a stalking mechanism, but that is such a creepy word, so we use “staying in touch” (sounds better). I frequently “stay in touch” with people and know what happens in their life. As I scroll down my newsfeed, I can see Rebecca got engaged to that nasty guy Tom and that Gary has a new job, YEA! Way to go Gary!

But it’s those people who “Tease” us with their statuses that drive me nuts. They don’t give you enough information and its not like you can call them up and ask because you haven’t spoken to them in years….

Tessa’s Status: I could seriously scream right now, back at the hospital…

What happened Tessa? You were doing so well! You just got a new car, moved into a new apartment, why are you at the hospital?! OMG, don’t leave me hanging here.

 

6. Closet Republicans

These people surface around election time. It’s those facebook friends that you never expected to be a republican, and,  A LOUD Facebook republican at that.

Ted’s Status: I voted the RIGHT way because I want a better economy. No more OSAMA.

O shit, not you Ted! Dammit, I really liked you Ted. How did I not see this? Really, a republican? Well, I guess I wont be asking you to lend me a couple bucks for lunch, sheez.

 

7. Facebook Bridezilla (Pre and Post Wedding)

We ALL have one of these girls, some of us have been these girls. They are just about to get married, or just have, and turn their facebook page into a fucking Knot.com promotion.

 

Pre-Wedding Bridezilla

Alyssa’s status 12 days ago…43 days and 12 hours till I marry my best friend!

Alyssa’s status 2 days ago: 12 days, 30 minutes and 43 seconds till I marry my best friend!

Alyssa’s Status 3 hours ago: Tomorrow I get married! Omg!

Hey, so are you getting married? I wasn’t sure…

Post-Wedding Bridezilla:

Alyssa’s status 3 days ago: First Friday night watching 20/20 with my hubby!

Alyssa’s Status 2 days ago: First Christmas dinner eating steak at 6pm being married!

Alyssa’s Status 6 hours ago: Happy 3 week and 72 hour anniversary. Love you!———With Mike Palindas

 Dear Alyssa, So happy for you that you got married, best wishes, but your wedding was 17 days, 5 hours and 43 minutes ago, and its time to move on. Thanks.

 

8. Insta-Fatty

Ah, the Insta-Fatty. Let’s see, these people are OBSESSED with taking pictures of their food. I don’t get how food can get so much play on Facebook, but Insta-fatties make it work!

Peggy Status: At that new Thai Restaurant! Yum, look how great this looks!

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Looks great Peg! But we all know you’ll be on the toilet bowl 24 hours from now. Won’t be saying how great that Thai Pad was when your ass is on fire. But hey, enjoy!

9. Long Lost Friends

This category is exactly what it is, those childhood friends you reconnected with later on in life. The moment you see the friend request you get all excited!

Me and Fred used to play school at his house. OOO and we put on a puppet show for my parents at my house! This is great, my best childhood friend found me!

But then you see what they REALLY have been up to all these years…

Fred: Been smoking weed all day long… ya heard?>!

O, Fred, you really went down hill after I moved in third grade didn’t you? I guess D.A.R.E didn’t really resonate too well eh?

10. The Unknowns

These are the people you have no idea how you became friends or who they are, yet your too lazy to delete them on Facebook.

Facebook Notification: Chenny Kirk has sent you an invite to: PARtY RoCKInG! Friday, December 29th, 2012!

I’m sorry have we met? WHO ARE YOU!?

Yes, So there you have it, My Facebook Sterotypes.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/04/01/daily-prompt-social/

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