Archive | January, 2013

Kardashian Brainwash

23 Jan

As I was watching another dreaded night of football games with my NFL addict, a commercial popped up about the upcoming season of Keeping up with the Kardashians

Kim: “Stay out of my life mom”

Courtney: “Your such an ass, just leave me alone, Scott”

Khloe: “Kim and Courtney, you really need to grow up and be MA-TU-ARE. You should be more like me and Lamar.”

Don’t miss an episode of your favorite family; watch Keeping up with the Kardashians tomorrow night at 8pm CST.

You should all strive to be a Kardashian

You should all strive to be a Kardashian

Something about this commercial got my mind thinking… Why is it so important to keep up with the Kardashians? Why are these brunette, fat lipped, black-men loving gals so wonderful that now we have to “keep up” with them? They go against most of our social norms; having children out of wed-lock, implants in all the right places and posting sex tapes online (completely overrated). But, we as Americans totally glorify them!

We love watching them…but why?

Maybe to feel better about ourselves? Maybe to fantasize what it would be like to be a Kardashian? (I would soooo want to be Kim).

Honestly, I think it’s because we are just stupid and like to be distracted by nonsense on television.

Like for instance, Good Morning America spent 35 minutes discussing the story on that Hawaiian football player…Te’o. They played a whole video clip about the situation. First the camera focused on the Notre Dame Coach holding a press conference. “WE are thoroughly investigating the situation and will let you know when we have further information”. Then the camera moves to Dan Abrams, Legal Analyst for the morning show.

Your telling me this strapping football star can't get laid at Notre Dame? Please...even the nuns are laughing. #PullingATebow

Your telling me this strapping football star can’t get laid at Notre Dame? Please…even the nuns are laughing. #PullingATebow

Abrams: “Well, technically, he didn’t do anything wrong if he did make up the girlfriend. I mean you are allowed to make up an imaginary girlfriend.”

Whoa, thank you Dan Abrams for getting a law degree to discuss this kind of controversy. What are the concerned people of America to think without your intelligent input!?

Why is my morning of news filtered with football player’s made up girlfriends and what Michelle Obama did to her hair? Why?

It’s really not our fault; we are programmed to be retarded individuals from an early age. Nickelodeon and Disney are really just early introductions for total brainwashing tactics. Have you ever REALLY watched some of these shows as an adult? After watching a full 3 hours of TV with my daughter, I’m convinced our youth is being strategically brainwashed.

Let’s start with everyone’s favorite…Dora the Explorer and Go Diego, Go!

Dora and Diego, is definitely a way for Nickelodeon to deal with the growing Hispanic population. At first glance, you think, how wonderful, all the children of American are being taught Spanish and learning valuable lessons on the Hispanic culture. A real life example of the “Melting Pot”!

But then you take a deeper look…

First off, Dora and Diego’s parents are pretty negligent. I’m not one to judge, no one’s perfect, but I certainly wouldn’t allow my child to run around in the jungle with a rabid monkey wearing boots. I don’t know, call me crazy, but it sounds a bit dangerous.

Speaking of running around in the jungle, why is it that Dora and Diego always seem to be on an adventure that requires running away, jumping over obstacles, referencing a map and transporting “little stars” in a magical backpack that can hide everything…Hmm, that sounds a bit fishy… like a Drug Mule. I bet Dora is running an entire drug smuggling operation out of that backpack.

Yea, I'm on to you Dora.

Yea, I’m on to you Dora.

There was even one episode in which Dora and her rabid monkey run into a big problem with… “The Grumpy Old Troll”.

Now say that name really fast…what does it sound like? Umm…YEA…BORDER PATROL.

I'm Seeing some Striking Similarities

I’m Seeing some Striking Similarities

The Grumpy Old Troll

The Grumpy Old Troll

Dear Mr. President, the war on drugs needs to continue and Dora’s backpack needs to be thoroughly checked.

Ok, so maybe Dora and Diego are really drug smugglers trying to cross into the United States, but here is the real kicker… the real purpose for Dora the Explorer was to prepare kids for a Full Mexican takeover.

Dora the Explorer and Diego are really just futuristic visions of what is would be like if Mexico took over the world.

To back up my theory, I must introduce the main antagonist, he is a little fox named Swiper. When you take a look at all the other characters in the show, Swiper has no accent and does not speak a word of Spanish. He doesn’t care what kind of adventure Dora is on, he just wants to steal all of her hard-earned stars and take away her important missions. He is always the “BAD GUY”. I think there are some interesting analogies here, sounds eerily familiar does it not? Could Dora be trying to teach children that, “Brown is the new White?”.

Even Dances like a white guy.

Even Dances like a white guy.

Now let’s shift focus….

Yo Gabba Gabba.

First off, this show is fucking crazy. The creator definitely had to be a crack head that thoroughly enjoyed taking LSD.

I know my ADD is bad, but even I can’t keep up with the transition of it. A typical show goes like this: First, the characters are dancing to a DJ remix then they are jumping around; then they are singing songs about “biting your friends”… Then they do some more dancing and singing and- BAM some colors flash on the screen and then it ends.

After its over you think, “What the hell just happened?”

So let me explain all the characters…

Would you trust this man to babysit?

Would you trust this man to babysit?

DJ Lance-He is a black guy who wears tight orange spandex and a fluffy hat. He dances like Michael Jackson and has an insanely creepy smile.  He may or may not be a child molester, I still haven’t decided.

The whole show revolves around his suitcase full of creatures…every start of the show he walks on stage and pulls out his suitcase where the creatures come to life…

Here's The Gang. From left to right...Broobie, Foofa, Plex, Toodee, Muno

Here’s The Gang. From left to right…Broobee, Foofa, Plex, Toodee, Muno

Foofa-she’s pink, silly and very cute. If I could make a vagina into a cartoon character, Foofa would be it.

Broobee-he’s a little green monster with crazy long arms but definitely has psychopathic tendencies.

Plex-a yellow robot that is magical. He is always making some crazy rainbows with unicorns and leprechauns. I believe he might be the other character’s drug dealer because when Plex is around, its always a good time.

Muno, is the giant red…dildo. There is no other way he can possibly be anything else. Plus, DJ Lance is the type of guy who would carry around a red dildo in his suitcase; he is just that kind of a guy.

Toodee– She is blue and…I have no idea what the fuck Toodee is. I even tried to google “What is Toodee?” and still haven’t gotten a straight answer. Not even Wikipedia knows what she is.

My first issue with this show is the songs. One day I was half listening to the TV and this one particular song came on. I began to get really suspicious of the lyrics… See Below.

“Nice and Easy”-sung by Foofa and Broobee.

Background: Foofa and Broobee are supposedly bird watching in a park. Broobee keeps scaring the birds away because he is so loud and disruptive. So Foofa tries to explain that he needs to be more quiet.

She sings….

Foofa: “Nice and Easy, Nice and Slow, It’s nice to be quiet and listen you know, lets be quiet and listen…shhhh…Nice and Easy…lets be quiet.”

Broobee: “BUT…Sometimes I have to move around and be LOUD LOUD LOUD!”

And they continue to go back and forth about being loud or being quiet…

Look, were all adults here, we know what they are really doing in that park. And you know what? I don’t blame Foofa for wanting Broobee to be quiet. Like I said, Broobee is not the type of guy you want to be seen “doing the dirty” with, he is a bit unstable and I’m sure DJ Lance and his red dildo would have something to say about it.

BUT THEN, we get to the topic of the WIGGLE SONG. There are no words for the wiggle song. Just watch the short video clip.

My kid stops ALL ACTIVITY to participate in this song.

You know how the CIA gave LSD to house wife’s in the 1950’s to experiment with mind control? Well, Those damn secretive douche bags are at it again! They have figured out a way to telepathically control the mind of little kids through this song. Seeing my daughter go into her “Wiggle” dance during this song is like watching someone have a seizure.

I know now you are starting to wonder if you were brainwashed by shows when you were younger and yes you have…we have all been subjected to it.

I went back through all the shows I used to watch as a child to see if I could pick up on brainwashing evidence that I didn’t catch when I was younger, and let me tell you, one show in particular stuck out…That damn Winnie the Pooh is one sick bear.

Winnie the Pooh…he’s nothing but a fat, naked bastard.

Winnie the Pooh…he’s nothing but a fat, naked bastard.

Do you know that Pooh still to this day does not wear pants? You would have thought by now his friends would say something, like, “Hey pooh, don’t you think your old enough to wear some pants? Want to cover that shit up every now and again?”  I mean come on, even that SpongeBob guy wears pants and he has a hole for a crotch.

Then you have Piglet: the on again-off again transsexual. Are you a boy? OR are you a girl? Just pick a gender and stick with it. Jesus Piglet you really rattle my chains.

And did you ever notice that Tigger is a total schizophrenic? Someone needs to give that bouncing lunatic some xanax.

But then you get to Eeyore- Ugh, can’t stand him now. He is always so depressed. You just want to slap him and be like “EEYORE! Put your god-damn tail back on your ass and be a man”.

It’s just a never-ending cycle of brainwash. If you watch TV it’s too late for you, you have already been re-programmed.  The countless hours you spent watching your favorite past time shows are just a crock of shit.

And that is why you all must get off the computer and turn on the E! Channel, You are missing the re-run episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians.

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NFL Addict

15 Jan

Do you know what my favorite part of January is?!!!

My two fulfilled weeks of New Years Resolutions-NO

Tax refund time?-NO, but that is a wonderful thought.

My daughter’s birthday-NO, A close second for sure though.

Nearing the end of football season? Yes, thank fucking god, yes.

I didn’t mind football in the beginning before I met my husband. I even dabbled in it a few times (bought some pink jerseys, thoroughly enjoyed pre-game tailgate events and participated in discussions about which NFL players had a better looking ass in their spandex.

Now that's what I am talking about!

Now that’s what I am talking about!

Now, I hate it, it has ruined my life. Why you ask? Because I married a NFL-A-Holic.

So for me, January marks the end of football season. It means my husband is finally right around the bend to living a sober, healthy spring and summer. It also means I can finally start to hang pictures up in my new house, have my lawn mowed AND drag my husband along to dreaded weekend errands like grocery shopping. Ahhh the thought brings a tear to my eye.

When I first met my husband, I thought I could change this little habit. Don’t get me wrong, we have made some great progress. I have successfully eliminated the tantrums, one of which ended in a beer being thrown into a wall. I have also ended the excessive crying at the end of each loss, but people, I am no where near the point of ending the addiction entirely. Good thing for me, I am also not alone. There are millions of lonely girls out there who live with these kinds of addicts. To us, “Sunday-Funday” does not exist. Our Sundays are more like “Aw, fuck it’s Sunday”.

For those of you reading this blog wondering, “Could my significant other be a NFL-A-Holic, continue to read, we will find out together.

If you are a NFL-A-Holic, stop reading and get some goddamn help. For Christ sake you people need some serious medication.

Let’s explore the phases of a NFL-A-Holic…

Preseason (gateway behaviors)

The Real Fantasy

Ah, preseason. Perhaps one of the most crucial points in stopping a NFL-AHolic. These  preseason behaviors start early in June/July with…I can’t even write it….

THE FANTASY FOOTBALL EXCEL SPREADSHEET.

The spreadsheet is a complied, complicated list of NFL players your addict will be drafting for his fantasy football team.

Ask yourselves these questions:

1. Does he spend hours watching NFL preseason highlights?

2. Would he rather watch men in tights 3x days a week than you in tights?

3. Does he have “Spreadsheet Orgies” with his friends? (discusses his picks for hours)

Yes?! Read on…

Be prepared. The fantasy draft excel spreadsheet will become the mistress in your relationship. In my life, my husband is always with the spreadsheet, rushing home to see it, edit it…to get his fix. If he goes more than 3 days without opening it on the computer, he sweats, gets shakes and becomes intolerable.

During this time, I usually say things to press his buttons:

Me: (sexy voice) Hun, would you mind taking a look at MY spreadsheet? I might be your MVP! (wink, wink)

Him: (doesn’t look up from the computer) Sure, when I am done, ill take a look.

Me: (Now in a very angry voice) You know what, you don’t need that stupid spreadsheet. I’ll just tell you what happens this season. Let’s see…You will loose your fantasy league, which is a total waste of money AND The Redskins will not win, disappointment just like every year….(PAUSE)….AND……RG3 Sucks!

Him: UHHHHH, How could you say such a terrible thing like that? I thought we were in this together…Hail To The Redskins…Remember?

Then comes…THE ACTUAL DRAFT (usually 1-2 months after spreadsheets are finalized). The draft IS a binge to an addict.

NO, NOT THE DRAFT. ANYTHING BUT THE DRAFT!

NO, NOT THE DRAFT. ANYTHING BUT THE DRAFT!

Take it from me, the actual draft is one of the worst experiences I have ever witnessed.

One time, I decided to sit with him during a draft to fully comprehend the addiction, you know, like try it out and see what all the fuss is about, but honestly, I’d rather give birth to an 80lb baby without medication than to ever do that again!

Call me mama, kid. I'm never sitting through another draft again.

Call me mama, kid. I’m never sitting through another draft again.

Let me just give you a visual; the draft takes 3-4 hours in total. Each person tells the other which overpaid athlete they want on their team. Easy right? No, these idiots change there minds 50 times and take forever to make a god damn pick like their entire existence depended on. The only thing I thought was, “Seriously? After all the hours you spent with that damn excel spreadsheet why wouldn’t you have some type of “Plan B”.

And then the personality changes begin… You know how men claim they don’t like talking on the phone…WRONG. The addiction turns them into little gossiping housewives.

I received this text from my cousin one football night…”Ryan, John was on his phone for three hours discussing NFL. Some stuff about Brady’s numbers? and Peyton throwing across his body?- I dunno weird stuff-but anyway, the phone conversation ended, not because he was finished talking but because his phone died”.  I told her this was getting serious.

I don’t know one talkative girl that can have that kind of stamina.  I’m telling you, The NFL changes the addict’s normal personality structure.

Regular Season (Full Fledged Addiction)

Regular season, the worst. This is full-on addiction at its finest. Nothing gets done, the entire day is planned AROUND 1pm, 4pm or 8pm.

They even start making excuses, like, “I gotta run to the bathroom” or “I gotta go get my wallet from my car” But once you have lived with an addict, you know what they are really doing.  I followed my addict one day and found out he was secretly logging on to YahooFantasy Sports “Changing His Picks”.

Eventually it gets so bad that my addict doesn’t even get dressed on Sundays. Iv’e taken picture evidence for you all to see…

9am on Sunday...

9am on Sunday…

And...8pm

And…8pm that night

Sundays are filled with lots of cursing, yelling and of course tantrums. The tantrums are worse than my 3 years old, I finally know where she gets it from. I am a bit nervous as well because I am starting to believe that this behavior is making a lasting impression. Do you know any 3 year olds that have NEVER heard of Cinderella but can tell you RG3’s best vertical jump?

Monkey See...Monkey Do

Monkey See…Monkey Do

ABC, CBS and Fox- YOU are all homewreckers!

I don’t even have a decent sex life in-season.

No, I don’t keep any kind of sex calendar, my dog documents that for me.

Quick side explanation….

You see about two years back, my addict received a Redskins blanket (like the man needs any reminders of his habit) and it slowly became Joba’s (my dog) blanket. In Joba’s mind, him and I are in a relationship (See: I am a cheater). To him, I am his girlfriend who is unhappily married to “Master” (Boy Ryan). Everytime Boy Ryan and I have sex, Joba chews on his blanket. I assume he thinks Boy Ryan is violating me and because Joba feels he is helpless against Master and can’t come to my rescue. So, he chews and takes out his frustrations on his blanket. Thus, creating the nickname, Joba’s Sex Blanket.

HOLEY-MOLEY

HOLEY-MOLEY

photo(5)

You see that hole in the top right? Yea, summer of 2012., aka Summer of Love.

The blanket is now missing a few months of holes, because from Sept-Jan, I am pretty much celibate (unless the Redskins get a great win, but we all know that’s a rare occurrence).  In-Season, our nights are filled with Pre-game highlights and post-game reviews and I sit, waiting patiently,  while my Sex drive screams, “NO! PLEASE NOT ANOTHER NIGHT OF FOOTBALL.”

How I can’t wait until February 4th; I am truly looking forward to having Joba continue his nibbling rituals. I have no doubt that the return of my sex life will be well documented-thanks to Joba.

Post Season (Postpartum)

Post season for a NFL-a-holic is like postpartum for a new mother. These are the happiest times for me, but devastating for the addict. It’s a time for self reflect, especially if his fantasy team didn’t make the top three. Sometimes there is a remorseful period. He starts to apologize for his lude comments and outbursts while taking NFL. It can get very emotional in our house, but remains quiet, peaceful and productive. The withdrawal symptoms can be devastating and at times- scary. Sometimes, I notice a heightened interest in the NBA Fantasy Teams, but it usually doesn’t last long. It’s usually just turns out to be a temporary void that needs to be filled after Football Season is over. Phewww…

I have my sweetheart back but it never last long because he always re-lapses in June. The relapse is inevitable. It’s about as reliable as an obese person going through the drive thru at McDonald’s; you just know it’s bound to happen.

Being with an NFL addict is not an easy thing, but remember that Post season is right around the corner. WE are Almost There! Hang on to any braincells you still have left!

So with that, January, I welcome you with open arms and February 4th, you can’t get here soon enough.

And Finally, my parting words to the NFL…

All I have to say to you is: GFY, HTTR (Go Fuck yourself “Hail To The Redskins”)

On a Positive Note...

On a Positive Note…

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/07/11/daily-prompt-sports/

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