Always BE Closing

13 Mar
Beware The Heels

Beware The Heels

Dear fellow sales account executives in the world…I have a killer story to tell you.

So yesterday, I definitely had a classic one night stand. I didn’t even bother to call him back after I left.

That is usually how these things start.

I went to the location of a business man…a rich business man. When I showed up I simply handed him my contract and a list of my services.

Without hesitation, he told me what he wanted and how he wanted it.

It was fast, easy and painless.

He even paid me upfront, I didn’t have to even ask for money.

I left out of breath and was completely unsatisfied. It was too easy, I wanted a chase but I took what I could get.

I just closed a sales deal.

I never wanted to start my career in sales, I just couldn’t see myself being any good at it. Usually successful sales people are aggressive, persistent and have no problem asking for your money.

Call me a bad democrat, but I hate asking for money.

Like any recent college grad, sales seemed to be the only fast-track option into the workforce that didn’t require entry-level bitch work.

Entry Level=Coffee Boy

Entry Level=Coffee Boy

One little aspect you must know about sales is that your fellow co-workers will always share their advice on how to be successful, whether you want to hear it or not.

“Sales is like getting a PHD in People. The more you know about them, the more you sell. So you should probably stalk them on Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin”


“The best sales people are actually the best listeners. If you listen more than talk, you will be successful. Because if you continue to talk and talk talk, then nobody will listen because nobody cares…blah blah blah blah blah”-(This advice came from a recently fired employee due to his excessive talking)


“Sales is a bunch of bullshit + Smiling + more bullshit…you will be fine if you do the following”

Alec Baldwin Said It Best

Alec Baldwin Said It Best

As I listened to all the advice offered to me, I realized that most of these quotes never captured the essence of what being in sales is really like.

So I’ve decided that one day when it’s my turn to give the advice, I will say:

“Sales is just like being a white collared prostitute.”

If you can’t make the connection hear me out…

  1. Prostitutes have Pimps….Sales people have Sales managers…Both expect you to be out all day meeting with clients, and return with money. We may not get beaten or stalked, but we sure are held accountable for our quotas.
  2. Just like Prostitutes….sales people meet with their clients, figure out their needs and promise to fulfill them with their services.
  3. The better looking you are, the more money you will make.
  4. Sometimes you do and say things you would never normally would do, in order to close a deal. There are moments you go to Low places in order to do business. Like discount your prices.
  5. In order to be a successful salesperson, you got to recognize when your client is D-T-F, Down to Finance.
  6. Sales people make booty calls, we just call it “Cold Calls”
  7. We walk the streets, only we do it during the day and hit more clients in a shorter amount of time.
  8. Prostitutes get perks, but so do sales people. It may not be jewelry, fur coats or expensive dinners, but we get discounts, tickets and weekend outings.
  9. We too, are only doing this gig to pay our way through college and pay off our student loans…
  10. This industry is known for human trafficking…once you’re in sales, you can’t get out, you just move from company to company.
  11. You make every customer feel that they are special and important even if they are smelly and hairy
  12. Every now and again, we have a “Pretty Woman” Story. Sales executive gets rescued by one of their clients and leaves the business to live a wonder life in marketing
  13. Your clients pay your bills.
  14. If sales is like being a hooker, then customer service is like being a sex slave; Nobody wants to make that lateral move.

Ok, so point made.

Eventually, you stop being a hooker to your clients and your relationship begins to progress into something more…especially when you find out they got more money in their budgets than you were aware of. Now, you are in dating mode and will do anything to show them you are ready to be a committed sales girlfriend.

Typically, I use all my office resources to impress my client, show them how wonderful I can be.

Eventually if your dating goes well, your client will decide to sign a contract and make you their sales wife.

Sign my contract and marry me.

Sign my contract and marry me.

There is nothing better than receiving an email from your client that says, “Attached is the signed contract”

And all you can think is: Yes, I DO! I will be your sales wife!

The joy is overwhelming; this going to be the best sales relationship ever.

Now that you’re a newlywed sales wife, life is great. You treat them with respect, you take them out to lunch on “Sales dates” and everything is peachy.

But sometimes, the honeymoon comes to an end and the abuse begins…They call you non-stop… wondering where you are…why you haven’t called them…accuse you of not giving them enough attention….telling you how much you suck.

Nothing is good enough.

Walking away isn’t an option; your married now. You have to deal with them because, they are financing your life and feeding your children- And you don’t want to starve the children.

And if you can’t find a way to turn the marriage around, they usually file for divorce and discontinue the contract. Never underestimate a client, they can take you for everything your worth; your commission, your perks; YOUR DIGNITY.


You start to think, “what could I have done differently? Maybe I should have been more attentive as a sales wife or took them on more sales dates. How did it get to this?”

I even had one client divorce me because of another woman…another sales wife.

“Ryan, we decided to give our business a new and fresh approach…by signing with your biggest competitor.”

When this happened, I didn’t know what to say…but these lyrics from Bruno Mars came to mind:

I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my work-hours
When I had the chance
Now my baby’s client’s dancing
But my baby’s client’s dancing with another sales-man.

Sales Love hurts.

To all my non-sales readers, if you can take one thing from this post take this:

Before you hang up on that telemarketer or slam the door in someones face, remember that we have feelings and we don’t like to ask for money. We just want to be your hooker.

Happy Selling !!!

PS-if you like my blog…please sign up at the bottom of this post in the “Follow This Blog” box!! After all, i’m trying to sell this shit.

This blog was inspired by Cold Call Me Maybe I highly recommend you check it out!

Silver screen blog post

30 Responses to “Always BE Closing”

  1. The Nameless One March 13, 2013 at 12:32 pm #

    Looking at the title and initial few lines I already got it where you were going. Great movie and good post 🙂

  2. Ritu KT March 13, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

    bahahaha. I had gotten a hit in the beginning but it was still entertaining till the end. Loved it!

    • rynolexson March 13, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

      Thanks! Always try to keep it rolling.

  3. jnauta09 March 13, 2013 at 3:08 pm #

    Hahahaha so true, you feel cheap sometimes when you leave a client! u think I can’t believe I sunk that low…but at least I got the sale…totally relatable

  4. Sam McManus March 14, 2013 at 12:30 am #

    You definitely sold me this shit. Nice one.

    • rynolexson March 14, 2013 at 1:15 am #

      Great to hear! I’ve gotten better at selling shit…thanks for the follow!

      • Sam McManus March 14, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

        You’re welcome! I love your style!

  5. Yeahthtsme March 14, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

    Oh man did I love this post! Am not in sales but was thinking about it, I don’t know where I stand on that matter. Gotta give you this is a funny post. And the coldcallmemaybe was perfect for this post.Gooood job!

    • rynolexson March 14, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

      Thank you for your comment! and Thank you for the follow!! Glad I sold you 😉

  6. TooFullToWrite May 6, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

    Very well done. Touched a nerve with me, I’m sure it will connect with a lot of other people that are involved in sales for a living, particularly the “once you’re in, you’ll never get out/moving company to company” bit – so true!

    • rynolexson May 6, 2013 at 1:32 pm #

      Thanks for reading! Sales is a hate/love kind of job…

      • TooFullToWrite May 6, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

        Yeah, I’d love it more if I didn’t hate it so much! I don’t hate it but it can become annoying, particularly when it distracts from writing.

  7. S February 10, 2015 at 2:59 pm #

    This post was a trip! Hilarious, made my sucking day. Good one.


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