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The Date Ditcher

21 Oct

It happened. It happened to me. I never thought it would.

But how?! Was it my text? The way I responded? Maybe I seemed too over-eager to meet up.  I tend to get a little excited about new relationships.

This was my first time, I thought I did everything right. We met at a party and hit it off right away. We kept in touch every now and again and exchanged facebook friend requests. Then one night, after finding the courage in 3 glasses of wine, I sent a text asking to meet up and it worked! We set a date and time and double confirmed the details. The day came and I could barely contain my excitement. I showered, shaved and even put on my new fall booties. I anxiously awaited by the door as the time neared closer to the hour you said you were arriving but you never came. You never showed up. You never rescheduled. You never even cancelled!

Yes, I got stood up…on a date… on a play date.

I normally don’t do play dates. The thought of sitting in a stranger’s house while our kids play and leave us to small chit chat is excruciating. Especially when there is no wine involved. I went with my daughter to one birthday party/ play date and it was probably the worst thing ever. I’m not sure which was more painful, the fact that each and every kid at the party had a melt down or that people assumed I was the 18 year old babysitter hired to help.

Yea, play dates aren’t really my thing.

But they almost were…last year at a party, I met a girl that I had gone to high school with. I found out she had a son who is close in age with my daughter and immediately we hit it off.  By the end of the night, we had decided we should get together; the kids could run themselves tired while we drank wine and complained about them running wild.

It sounded like a dream play date come true.

Basically, I tend to get really overly excited when I meet new people. I am that over-eager friend. When you say, “we should get together soon” I respond with, “how about tomorrow”? Yea, I’m one of those people. Making friends out of college is a tough task. You no longer have drinking buddies or Sunday brunch besties. As you each begin to start new jobs and get married, you are lucky if you keep 2-3 friends from college. Sure, you can make work friends but all you really have in common is work and all you probably do is bitch about your boss. So to say that I was a tad excited for this meet up is a bit of an understatement. For this play date I went out and bought a cheese spread…Yes, A MOTHER FUCKING CHEESE SPREAD.

This was serious.

Our guests were to arrive at 2pm and confirmed earlier that morning we were still on. I did some last minute cleaning, brushed my dogs so they were less smelly then before and sat patiently on the couch awaiting their arrival….

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2:00 ….Ok, it’s time! I’m sure they will be here any minute now.

2:15….silly me, nobody arrives right on time, she is probably just being fashionably late. 

2:30….Maybe they stopped to pick up some desserts. 

2:35….They must have hit a detour in the road

2:40…I hope they arn’t dead

2:45…They are definitely dead

2: 50…I’ll send a text

TextHey! Are you guys on your way?!

3:00…No response

3:15…Ok, Seriously this is rude, the cheese is melting 

3:20...I’ll start an episode of Scandal while I’m waiting

3: 30…Shit, I ate all of the cheese 

4:00…Fuck it, I’m changing out of my bra and watching NetFlix

4:30…Drank entire bottle of wine and fell asleep

Can you believe I never received a response or cancellation from this girl?

Look, when a man stands you up on a date it’s expected because men are douche bags, but women, women know to cancel plans. They either reschedule or come up with a half believable excuse as to why they can’t make it. This girl straight up just went missing in action. I even kept an eye on the news in case I heard about a mother and son that were taken hostage!

For two days I had no idea what happened or if this girl was even still alive. Lucky for me, the world is small and I found out she planned a birthday party for her son the same day as our play date was scheduled.

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Ok? Weird? Maybe she forgot about the birthday party?  Some people might forget a planned birthday party for their kid…right? But still, shoot me a simple text like, HEY-gotta reschedule, totes forgot my kid’s birthday party is today!

WHAT IS THAT? Why are people so damn weird?! I got a cheese spread for crying out loud! 

At least Addison sees right through the bullshit. When I asked about her thoughts on being ditched on her first play date, this is what she said,

This whole situation is awkward and so is that kid’s mom.”

Well said.

Meet Sarah, Addison’s Vampire Sister

7 Jul

I hope you all are recovering well after a three day long weekend of boozing and sunshine. I’m writing this after a very long weekend which means I’m still paying for it. I shouldn’t feel so crappy today, we had a fun weekend with good friends. We even got to take Addison to her first “friend” birthday party. Her first party at 4 years old…I know it sounds like a late “first” right? It’s not like she’s a loser and never gets invited to parties, it’s late because my husband and I were too chicken to take her to the other parties. Sure that sounds selfish but when you are the youngest parents there by 10+ years, it’s a little intimidating. Plus, introducing yourselves as Ryan and Ryan can get annoying. We can only handle it in doses.

Birthday Party Fun

Birthday Party Fun

Superhero Party!

Superhero Party!

So we go and it was just as awkward as you could imagine. Parents standing around, not sure what to do. Nobody was talking to one another or being friendly so it was a lot of sitting and watching the kids run back and forth. At one point one of the mother’s sat next to me. I decided to strike a conversation and we chatted about stupid shit that mother’s chat about. She told me she was a teacher at Addison’s school and was raving about how great Addison was.

Then she asks, “Where is Addison’s little sister? Did you bring her along today? Or was it too hot to bring her outside?

This is not the first time Addison has told her schoolmates that she has a younger sibling…but something about this detailed question made me realize that maybe the whole sibling lie was a little more extreme than I had anticipated.

“Addison doesn’t have a little sister.” I replied.

What? She tells us these stories about her little sister, Sarah.  One time she told the class that Sarah has brown hair and brown eyes. She did also mention that Sarah has a condition where she can’t be around other people or go outside for long periods of time. Wow, all of that was made up?

I didn’t know which was worse, the fact that my kid is telling people about an invisible, rabid little sister or the fact that these teachers are dumb enough to believe her.

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Everyone, meet Sarah…Addison’s younger vampire sister

Addison has been known to be “creative”. I choose not say, a “liar” because she means no harm in making up these stories. I knew we were in trouble the day she began describing her most fondest memories of Disney World. She explained that her happiest moment was when she got to meet Mickey Mouse in person and he kissed her hand...we have never been to Disney World. Or my personal favorite when she told me her greatest hobby is saving baby monkeys in Africa. Yes, apparently my daughter saves baby monkeys in her free time.

To be honest, I have no idea where she gets this from….SEE: MADE UP SHIT I TELL MY KID

 

We left the party shortly after. Addison was strapped in her car seat, happily munching on her 5 lbs of pinata candy. I felt now was the best time to confront her about her little “sister”.

Addison, why do you tell everyone you have a sister?” 

(Silence…..)

“Your teacher told me that you have a sister named Sarah. Not only that but Sarah cannot go in the sunshine or be around people.” 

“Well…I tell them she can’t be outside in the sun, it hurts her skin…And she is not allowed to be around other people because she bites…”

Good God, Sarah bites…

“Addison, why are you saying that? That is called lying.” 

“Yes. But they ask me about her and I cannot stop telling them. I cannot.”

“Ok, Please stop telling your school that you have a sister who lives in the basement because she bites people.”

The Family according to Addison

The Family according to Addison

Lovely vacation with Addison and Sarah

Apparently Sarah was on vacation with us!

Who knows how long these people at my daughter’s school actually believed that I have a rabid, blood sucking child locked in my basement at home. No wonder why I get weird looks when I pick her up from school.

We Are The Stick People

4 Apr
Untitled

This is an original drawing

I never understood the stick family phenomenon.

You know, those stupid family conglomerates stuck on the back of minivans?

I live in a typical suburbia environment where minivans rule the road. I know I’m getting close to home when I start to see the plethora of stick people dance across my line of vision.

The population of my town has been reduced to stick figures and no one seems to care.

This might sound crazy but I think there is a competition going on with this stick family obsession.

The more stick people that populate your back windshield the better! Let the stick kid breeding competition begin!

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I frequently ask myself, where did this begin?

I think I also found the answer:

America Loves Stickers

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I saw a van the other day that had 9 stick kids.

Yes, 9.

Why would you want to tell people you have 9 children? When I see you have 9 children, it makes me want to drive up next to you and scream, “Stop breeding stick people”.

Plus, if you drive a minivan I already assumed you have a mass litter of kids.

The irony of the whole thing was that this particular minivan had an additional bumper sticker that read,

Proud supporter of my neighborhood watch program

Well,  you’re not doing the neighborhood watch any favors by inviting every single child molester in the area to follow you home. Basically your family decal is  putting your litter of stick kids in danger. While you think it’s cute to have stickers on the back windshield, to a pedophile you are saying, “Hey, we have kids! And lots to spare! Come by and join the fun!”

The sticks have gone to your brain.

If I were to post my family stick status, I would have a mommy stick, daddy stick and baby stick. I would also include two doggie sticks, one cat stick and one rabbit stick.

People would officially know that I am an animal hoarder. This is why I am not a stick fanatic.

The only benefit to this stick family obsession is that it can be a great source of gossip for the rest of us…and who doesn’t love a little gossip?

Just last week, I found out that my daughter’s classmate has TWO dads.

How?

I saw this:

My_Family_DINK

Dad-to-Dad Parenting

And then I noticed a change in my neighbor’s stick family situation.

She added an additional stick child (she is expecting) and removed her stick husband (they are getting a divorce).

The big X just gave it away.

car-photo-2004-honda-pilot-stick-figure-family-decals-father-position-open-funny

You can learn a lot when you pay attention.

Shockingly, this trend has caught on in non-suburban cities like Newark too!

Typically in these parts of town, I expect to see death decals:

 

Debbie Downer Stickers

Debbie Downer Stickers

However I was presently surprised to see this:

 

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Hard Core Jail Time

Baby mama has custody of the kids while baby daddy does jail time…O, and they have a dog.

Honest, entertaining and to the point.

I love it.

But the fun doesn’t end there, I am starting to see some really creative stick family decals that I think are worth mentioning…

Everyone has a little family dysfunction

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Dysfunction at it’s finest

Why be stick people when you could be a family of tight-ass chickens?

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Even the Single-Cat Lady wanted to partake in the fun!

Any takers?

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Proud and Loud Mormons

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And finally, what’s a family without a little passive-aggressiveness?

stick-figure-decals-beer

Those damn hoes wreck everything

I will never understand the point of this trend.

Maybe it’s along the lines of putting reindeer antlers on cars at Christmas time. Or maybe it’s a deep seeded need for humans to feel validated by the use of stickers; anyone remember Kindergarten Star Charts?

No, that’s not a memory we would like to re-visit, I agree.

So many sticks, so little time…

 


 

 

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

Mommy Conviction

14 Feb

My kid told me she was taking me to court.

According to her, I was guilty of taking too many “Mommy shortcuts” and it was time to bring me to justice once and for all. She was nice enough to offer me a plea deal in exchange for lesser jail time. Her deal was simple, if I would give her 3 candy bars a night for the rest of her life, she would drop all the charges held against me and destroy the evidence.  If I didn’t take the deal, I would be looking at some serious jail time…Jail time in Mommy Shaming prison.

I refused her deal, I might take shortcuts here and there but I’d be dammed if she was going to turn into a little fat kid! So, I told her I would take my chances in court.

The next day we found ourselves in the courthouse where she made her case. Below are the court transcripts from the actual trial…

Please rise for the honorable Judge, “Queen Addison“.

Guilty or Not Guilty

Guilty or Not Guilty

Today we are here to decide on a ruling for case #34656, Addison Vs That Girl Ryan. You will hear Ms. Addison layout her case as to why her mother should be found guilty of cutting corners in motherhood. We know that all parties are innocent until proven guilty. However if the opposing party should be found guilty, the defendant will be sentenced to a full term in mommy shamming prison, aka a full hour of playing barbies and making friendship bracelets.

Ms. Addison, please present your case.

Addison took the stand and presented the evidence…

1. My Mom calls this shit, dinner.

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2. This is considered educational so I spend a lot of time watching it.

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3. She claims she is tired when she wants Daddy to make dinner. That’s just plain #LAZY.

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4. I’m only allowed to drink water. She says juice is for sick kids.

I don’t believe that.

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5. She hates cleaning.

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6. She throws away my artwork because it “clutters” the house.

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7. Her other “kids” can sleep in her bed…

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I am not allowed.

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8. I am the photographer for her blog postings…

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and I don’t even get paid for it.

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9. This is my favorite picture…

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My mom says I can’t hang it up because it creeps her out.

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10. These do not fit me…

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but I wear them anyway.

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11. According to my mom, taking a good selfie is a life skill…

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I have mastered it.

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12. She hides from our neighbors…

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and makes me hide with her.

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13. Baths only happen once a week…

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and so does brushing my hair.

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14. She usually never has enough food in the house…

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but always enough beer.

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After she presented her case, the judge made her final decision….

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That Girl Ryan you have been found GUILTY.

I was immediately taken into custody and went to Mommy Shaming Prison where I played Barbies and made friendship bracelets for a full hour.

It. Was. Hell.

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Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

Thank God for Tequila and Crappy Birth Control

30 Jan

Do you ever wonder what if? What if you had made one decision differently? How would your life change?

Maybe you would be a rock star right now. Or maybe you would be a millionaire. Maybe not, but you never know.

The possibilities of “What If” are endless.  Everything in this moment IS the way it IS because of tiny small decisions…Whoa, deep thoughts for a Thursday, I know.

Cinco-De-Mayo in 2009 was most likely the night my surprise daughter came about. Drenched in Tequila after a day’s worth of drinking, Boy Ryan and I would have never guessed our little Mexican celebration dance would result in a series of events that would become our life.

Tequila+ Stupidity=Children

I often wonder, “What if my daughter was never born?” Not in like a bad way, actually sometimes, when she throws tantrums, but most of the time as just a thought. What would my life be like If I didn’t have children? Would it be better? Would it be worse? My life would probably be a lot easier and I’d be way cooler.

Who am I kidding, my life would be awesome. There are so many perks to being a child-less person…

1. I would never have to share the T.V…

instead, I have to watch this shit

What the F#$% is this?

What the F#$% is this anyway?

2.  I could sleep off all my hangovers…

Instead, I have to wake-up to this:

3. I wouldn’t be so lame…

Instead, I get excited about…

7pm…IMG_0824

PARTY TIME….

4. I would never have to answer to the name, “Mommy”…

Instead, I have to hear it over and over and over again

5. I would have real hobbies…

Instead, my hobbies are Barbies and dress-up

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Ariel and Eric’s Wedding…3rd time this week

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I’m always cast as Mary Poppins…not bad eh?

6. My biggest worry would be my social calendar…

Instead, I worry about well balanced dinners

My kid's diet

This is healthy right?

7. My goals would be more adventurous:

1. Travel the world

2. Hike Mt. Vesuvius

3. Wear a bathing suit thong in public

Instead, my goals are totally unrealistic:

1. Stay up past 11pm on a Friday night

2. Teach my kid to wipe her own ass, correctly

3. Have a clean house for a week

8. My house wouldn’t be such a disaster…

Instead, I brace myself when cleaning.

This is Styrofoam found under the pillow

Styrofoam underneath pillows

Dirty underwear in MY bed

Dirty underwear in my bed.

I asked my kid why she didn’t put her dirty underwear in the laundry bin. She replied, “This is dad’s underwear.”

Note to self: If my husband is wearing Cinderella underwear in size 4T, I may have to re-evaluate the marriage.

What is this? Can you tell?

SURPRISE! Can you tell what this is? No, let’s take a closer look…

Closer look...That is a band-aid. Specifically a dirty band-aid

Yep…That is a band-aid. Specifically, a used band-aid

9. I would sleep all night, every night…

Instead, I wake up to nasty feet in my face

This_isnt_fair...

10. Nobody would publicly embarrass me…

Instead when I have a visible booger in my nose, everybody hears about it

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I know, poor me, my life is such a fail, I could have had such a beautiful life…

Damn Cinco-De-Mayo and all it’s devilish temptations.

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But when I get down about my perfect, child-free, non-existent life, I come home and see this face.

What a mug!

What a mug!

For whatever reason I just can’t help but think…Thank gosh for Tequila and shitty birth control!

The Perks of Living at Home

4 Dec

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The word graduation can be a double edge sword. We live in a generation where we are always on the move, and God forbid for a second we push pause. I’m pretty sure we are convinced the earth will crack. I went through this phase last year to be exact. I thought I NEEDED to move out of my parents’ house ASAP. I remember looking at apartments with That Girl Ryan thinking it would be totally okay to live in a $900/month studio apartment in Morristown with uneven obnoxiously low ceilings and a half kitchen with no oven. This “apartment” was literally a small dumpster.apartment It would have been a death trap for anyone taller than 5’5” to visit. Ryan had to enter with a helmet. The entrance was a steep staircase, but it happened to be in the middle of the apartment. I could only imagine how many head injuries I would have received due to falling down or up the stairs after coming home from a fun night out on the town or from just being my clumsy self. YIKES!! The girl who I would replace slept on her mattress on the floor in a little nook in which sitting up was not an option. You would have to roll out of bed until you got into the middle of the apartment to stand up and even then the ceiling was still only 3 inches taller than me!!! I feel like there should have been directions on the wall kind of like a how to put out a fire…instead this would be how to get out of bed in the morning. The bathroom was actually on a slant— could you imagine putting on makeup in the morning? My equilibrium would constantly be off.  But it’s okay because this shit hole would have been all mine! To think I thought this apartment would have been the promised land…

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!!?!?!

I probably would have lasted about 3 weeks in there, and 2 would have been spent in a hospital due to falling down the stairs.

 

Although I know most of you think it is best to move out of your parent’s house ASAP, I wanted to make you aware of some “living at home” perks you might not have considered….they could change your mind.

 

1. The Fridge and Pantry are always magically full

Fully Stocked Refrigeratorpantry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Leftover Paradise

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3. They are constantly the life of the party

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4. Fully Stocked Laundry Room

laundry room

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. SO MANY KITCHEN GADGETS

Kitchen-gadgets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. FREE WIFI

free wifi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Reliable Handy Man

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8. Dishes?!?

dishes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Endless Supply of Toilet Paper

toilet paper

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Andrea

CleaningLady

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. RENT FREE 

rent free

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12. They are morally obligated to like you

they love me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now I know all of these come across as me being a spoiled brat but in all reality I have been taken off the payroll as Burt and the Boss call it very quickly after graduation. But I cannot thank them enough for actually letting me stay under their roof because without them I would probably be living in that midget apartment. Besides…I have come to realize that these people are actually pretty cool after all. So, to all my upcoming college grads out there…don‘t rush moving out if you can wait. I promise it will all be worth it in the end.

Meet My Publicist

14 Nov

Everyone, meet Danielle, my publicist. I’ve referenced her before in my posts and now you get the pleasure of meeting her. Danielle is my humor buddy, we discuss incredibly important topics like Pooping in Public, Waxing and Ryan Gosling.

I bribed her into writing some guest blogs on That Girl Ryan. This could be the start of a beautiful thing…

************************************************************************************************

Well hello That Girl Ryan followers!!

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First I would like to say how awesome it is to be given the privilege to be a guest blogger on That Girl Ryan today. I have been told that if I do a good job, I may be hanging around a little while. Let’s cut to the chase before I lose followers for her.

My name is Danielle or as That Girl Ryan calls me, “The Publicist”. Who do you think helps Ryan put these awesome posts together?? She has been pestering me to introduce myself to her blog world for quite some time now…I mean I did come up with the title for her blog. You people are lucky for that, she was trying to get all philosophical and name her blog about life and lemons or some stupid crap like that, so you’re welcome.

Ryan and I have known each other since we were 14 years old, and then she got all cool and I became an emo and that would have never worked out well in high school. We re-kindled our friendship this past year during our short stint as media sales reps.

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Now back to me…..

I did the whole college thing; took me five years but hey, I am a proud supporter of the 5 year plan! I mean I turned out just fine according to my roommates. I call my roommates; The Boss and Burt Reynolds (aka my mom and dad). For the past 24 years, I have been leeching life’s secrets off these people- and money and food. You will hear me mention life with The Roomies IF That Girl Ryan lets me come back.

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I’m what you can consider a walking exclamation point! I never grasped the concept of inside voices at a young age. I am loud and so is my laugh; I’m just always happy to be wherever I am. One of my talents is speed texting, I can out text any 16 year old any day of the week. BRING IT, I DARE YOU!

Being that That Girl Ryan is wifed up and is the mother to Queen A, as I call her; she sometimes loses touch with what it’s like to be young and free-like me. Don’t worry everyone I promise I won’t disappoint; I’m brutally honest and have the humor of a teenage boy. Relax, I know how to keep it classy. I look forward to telling you all about terrible first dates, life as a 20 something and just the shit you wish you could say out loud. Until next time….BAI!

A Little Of This…A Little Of That

6 Nov

It’s been almost a week since Halloween 2013 and I am still devoured by my utter disappointment.

What happened to Halloween? It has turned into the red-headed step sister of Thanksgiving and Christmas  the Holidays (that was for my Jew friends).

The decorations were weak and so were the amount of tricker- treaters. My street looked like a creepy ghost town and I live in a neighborhood with tons of children.

Here Kiddies, Kiddies, Kiddies

Here Kiddies, Kiddies, Kiddies

Apparently, it’s cool now to go trick-or-treating before 6pm? How convenient.

Who had this brilliant idea? Stay at home parents? NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH STAY AT HOME PARENTS!

At 3pm, all the working people are at work and therefore cannot give out candy. Plus kids with working parents get the shit end of the deal since they miss out on the early bird candy specials.

Nonetheless, my little monster trekked the neighborhood streets after 6pm like a bad-ass. She and the 4 teenagers, who were way too old to be trick-or-treating, walked that neighborhood like bosses.  She did pretty well considering she missed the 3pm Halloween rush. Definitely scored enough candy for me and my husband to chow down on for at least a couple of weekends.

Perks of putting your kids to work.

Perks of putting your kid to work.

Whatever, Halloween sucks now, but this video clip is so well worth it. We may have missed submitting this video to Jimmy Kimmel, but it’s a winner in my book. One day, my kid will thank me for videotaping all the mean pranks I pull on her…

Some Other highlights of the night…

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She was under the impression that her costume was “BatMan” and Joba the turtle, was her loyal side-kick. Kid’s got imagination.

Our other dog Levi, thoroughly enjoyed his costume

Our other dog Levi, thoroughly enjoyed his costume

Speaking of the kid, her latest pre-school rumor really did a number on my parenting reputation.  When I picked her up from daycare this week, she decided to let all the teachers at school know that she is expecting a sibling. Yes, she told her entire pre-school that she was going to be a big sister.

Imagine the look on my face when a rush of teachers came to congratulate me on my non-existent pregnancy.

On the ride home, I had no idea as to how I was supposed to properly handle this situation…I decided to just be honest with her.

Me:Why did you tell everyone your going to be a big sister?”

Addison: “well lily and Jackie are going to be big sisters, so I wanted to be one too.”

ME:Being a big sister is kind of overrated.

Right now, between me, dad and you, we are a family of first borns, “the cream of the crop”, if you will.  Bringing in a younger sibling would only lower our family status.. First-borns are truly the rulers of the world. Plus, having a younger sibling would mean sharing the T.V. and I know how much you love your T.V.”

Addison:NO! not the TV, that’s my TV. Nevermind, I don’t want to be a big sister.”

Controversy Avoided, That Girl Ryan Parenting, a success.

While we are on the subject of parenting success, I wanted to share my most recent visit to NYC this weekend; courtesy of my mom, Mama O.

Mama O. brought me and my “less-supreme-younger-sibling” to the city for some shopping. We went on a “Fashionista Tour” sponsored by The Elegant Tightwad, if your interested: Details HERE

Basically, this fashion tour guides you through the not so typical shopping experience around the East Village. The stores we visited were eccentric and unique to say the least. Each shop varied in range of clothing options and prices, but the overall experience was priceless. In one of the stores, a custom hat boutique, I uncovered a new found love for hats.

(Not just like, I am totally into hats, but more like,  I now have this weird obsession with hats.)

"Younger Sibling" I gave her permission to try this on.

My middle sister modeling off her favorite piece.

I wanted every single hat in that store but paying $300 for hat?

Pshhh, that’s why China-town was invented.

When I found a suitable hat in China-town, I also found the world’s best sales-man. This little Indian shop owner saw my interest in a particular hat and was pushing hard to sell it to me. Every second that I stayed silent, he came down on his price. It was a truly brilliant sales technique.

Eventually he threw in a second hat for the price of one and we had a deal.

One hat for me, one hat for Mama O.

I just fucking love hats.

I am available to model. Please contact me if interested.

I am available to model. Please contact me if interested.

Mama O. thought her hat was a great purchase as well. She insisted on wearing it like a Muslim Brotherhood Member.

Mama O. Being stylish

After the tour, we did some shopping of our own and came across some interesting characters…As often as I go to New York City, I am still fascinated by the weirdo’s I come across.

Like this homeless man selling marijuana kitchen accessories…

20131105-114746.jpg

Who needs Ikea after looking through these gems?

OR these Mormons singing about eternal damnation…

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And we can’t forget about the random vandalism that New Yorkers call, “ART”….

20131105-114956.jpg

Perfectly good Tea Plates glued to the wall.

OR this…

20131105-114708.jpg20131105-114728.jpg

And finally, the gay black man, dancing through the East village with his boombox…

His dance moves were ridiculous

His dance moves were ridiculous

I mean seriously, how can you not love this place?!!

So between my disgust with Halloween, my invisible pregnancy and my new hat; This week was pretty eventful.

Until next time my friends…

That Girl Ryan

What to expect when you’re expecting

24 Oct

Why is everyone pregnant all of a sudden? Everywhere I turn I see a sea of bulging bellies and waddling women. Is there a nation-wide pregnancy pact going on that I don’t know about? If I find out there is, I’ll be pissed. Where were all you pregnant ladies when I was the lonely knocked up girl three years ago? I could have used a “Bun in the Oven” buddy. Thanks a lot you bitches.

Have you gotten the latest copy of, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting?”…throw that shit out of the window. It’s useless information that you can easily learn from your mother. That book doesn’t cover vital topics, topics that are actually worth  learning about.

They say we all have secrets, but pregnant women have a lot more…when your growing a human, things can get weird.

Like this belly

Kim Kardashian don't got nothing on this booty

Kim Kardashian don’t got nothing on this booty

1. You Crave Strange Things

Not things like mayo and pickles or potato chips and orange juice; in-edible objects and materials.

I had a particular wanting for textured items…like cat litter. Yes, I craved cat litter. The smell, the look, the way in emptied into the litter box. I would imagine cupping a hand full out, throwing into my mouth like it was granola. Long story short, I gave into my temptation once and the cat litter was anything but delicious and crunchy. Surprise. Surprise. But your pregnant mind will do evil things to you.

I highly recommend this brand

I highly recommend this brand

2. Natural Birth Are For Super Humans

I don’t know who thought giving birth in a bath tub or bouncing on a ball during labor would make a natural birth easier, but I think these people most likely take acid on a daily basis. I’ve had the honor of meeting a couple of women who did naturally give birth and I think they have some incredible powers.

I had a moment during labor (probably an evil mind lapse) that made me want to try and do everything naturally. Not because it was healthier for the baby or my body or whatever they say these days, but so I could say, Hell yes, I did that.

I completely underestimated labor-pains.

Imagine someone pulling your pelvis in two directions and being stabbed in your gut all at the same time. That’s what it feels like. Labor was no big deal until about 2 hours in when you start to ask for the epidural or for death.

I also made my husband take a picture, as a reminder. A reminder that natural births are incredibly overrated.

That is not a fat suit, that is just me.

That is not a fat suit, that is just me.

3. No Story You Will Ever Tell is As Good As Your Birthing Story

Have you ever met someone who shared their birth story about 5 minutes into meeting them? Happened all the time when I was pregnant. I heard each and every moment from the dilation of centimeter 1 to centimeter 10. Usually the climax of the story came when they pushed out the baby.

“And then, I pushed and pushed…Pushed so damn hard I pooped on the nurse! But after 3 hours of pushing, Little Johnny popped out! His head was so big, the doctors gave me fifteen stitches! Johnny’s father sure doesn’t mind though, wink”.

Thanks, for the info lady!

My advice to expecting mothers… find friends that had C-sections.

4. Babies Are Ugly

Ew.

I’m thinking of my kid when she came out. The nurse propped her on my chest and I started to cry.  My kid looked like a cross between the Indian guy at the gas down the street and my Great Uncle. She was purple and blue and had bigger lips  than Fat Albert. I’m sure my husband had a moment when he doubted the fact that this creature was HIS kid, hell I even doubted it; the way she came out I would have believed I was raped by an alien.

I remember my mom posted a facebook picture immediately after she came out; poor kid still had goo all over her face. I had no idea until I saw all the comments from my facebook friends saying, “She is so beautiful!“. Look I’m not retarded, I know its socially polite to say Newborns are “Gorgeous”.

I mean, I have yet to see anyone comment, “O My GOD! what IS THAT?“. You people arn’t fooling anyone, us mom’s with ugly newborns, are well aware that our kids are ugly.

Case in Point:

I was scared for this kid's future

I was scared for this kid’s future

And then this…

100% sure from this picture, she would never get married

100% sure from this picture, she would never get married

Eventually she fluffed out and got really cute. She still is to this day.

Phew…that was a close call:

This Baby Mama don't make ugly babies

This Baby Mama don’t make ugly babies

5. Leaky Nipples

Breast feeding or not, your girls turn into leaky faucets. When I left the hospital they gave me these bra pads, but I thought I didn’t need them because I had no intention of boob feeding my kid.

Then one day, my boobs decided to have a wet t-shirt contest in the middle of English Lit 101. It dawned on me that nipple pads are very necessary.

As if my stigma of being a pregnant college girl wasn’t enough, the two wet spots located on my boobs buried any chance of social redemption that I had left.

All I have to say is, thank god for the Mary Katherine Gallagher pose! Not only does it allow you to check your armpit sweat, but it also covers your leaky nipples…SUPERSTAR!

superstar_molly_shannon

6. People Ask You The Most Retarded Questions

There is such thing as asking a dumb question, I’ve heard them…

How did your get your body back to normal?

I’m not sure, my body just deflated. However, I’m sure my vagina would argue the definition of “Normal”.

OR
(Horrified face)
If you’re back at work, where does the baby go during the day?!
Great question! Hmm well some days I lock my kid in a closet, throw Cheerios on the floor and pray she doesn’t crap her pants. Works like a charm!
At what point in our human evolution do we stop being so stupid? It’s called Daycare and it’s mans best invention.
7. You see a new side of your significant other.
I love when I hear expecting mothers say, “I don’t care what gender I’m having as long as it’s healthy”.
That is a lie.
Every woman secretly wishes for a certain gender. Me…I wanted a boy.
When I found out I was having a girl, I was pissed…I grew up with all girls; two sisters, multiple female cousins and 7+ aunts…enough estrogen to last me a lifetime.
Plus, I married a “Mans-Man”.
He has always been awkward and quiet around girls. Lucky for him when we dated in college, I thoroughly enjoyed my vodka and didn’t notice his strange behavior around women.
So obviously, I was a bit worried he wouldn’t have any type of bond with our daughter.
I was completely wrong.
Who knew my “Manly man” could play barbies and tie pony tails in ways I couldn’t imagine. It’s adorable.
From this:
100_0133
To this:
100_0475
8. Sleep leaves you…forever
As a mother-to-be, sleep gets harder. Imagine sleeping with a basketball underneath you, its impossible. They say lack of sleep helps you prepare for a newborn, but I think that’s crap. It prepares you for the rest of your, no-sleep life. Even after that screaming, no toothed infant sleeps through the night, as a mother you never sleep again. Every peep, every missed breath,every creek in your house awakes you. I used to be able to sleep through it all but now if my kid farts in the other room, I wake up.
On a positive note, 3am tends to be a very lively time; not only are the drunks just returning from the bar, but a ton of mothers like myself, can be found playing Words With Friends.
I guess it’s not so bad.
I miss those days...

I miss those days…

9. Adult Diapers Suddenly Make Sense
During labor, you can shit on the table and not even know it. Your numb from the drugs so you can’t feel yourself poop, but the nurse and your partner sure do. Talk about the type of blackmail they can forever hold over your head. Not only that, but it makes you wonder about which celebrities might have shit during labor.
Personally, I would really like to know if Duchess Kate slipped out a turd while giving birth to the new prince. Now that is News-worthy.
I know, now your like, “Who cares about the labor pains when you have to worry about shitting during birth!”
Trust me, it’s not as bad as the threat of peeing your pants 24/7.  I’ve talked about this before, but I literally can’t get over how much my bladder sucks, post-pregnancy. Activities such as; jumping on a trampoline, jumping jacks and hopping on one leg (basically jumping) can quickly go from a “Great Exercise” to “Holy shit, I just peed myself.
Even the simplest conundrums in life can turn into a wet-yourself-disaster, like coughing or sneezing. I have found the best way to avoid peeing your pants when this happens is to cross your legs and hope for the best.
I used to sneeze like this:
No Big Deal, just a sneeze

No Big Deal, just a sneeze

Now I have to sneeze like this:
Holy Shit, I just peed

Holy Shit, I just peed

Ah yes, pregnancy is weird and disastrous all at the same time, but when you push that little or big human out, the fun only begins. Just wait until that little person turns into a toddler.
Good luck to all of you who plan to embark on this journey, I hope your bellies swell and your births are full of epidurals.
Happy Birthing!

Toddlers Are Evil

13 Sep

I have been neglecting my blog…I sincerely apologize to those of you who have sent emails asking where I have been. But this little person in my life has been keeping me quite busy lately.

Bingo!! It’s my daughter, who has recently been taking full advantage of being a terrible toddler.

Listen, I have never been a fan of kids, I think they are a lot of work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my own kid and don’t mind the work because shes like a mini version of me, but kids in general…eh.

As my daughter gets older, she teaches me a lot about little people (little people like children, not midgets-but if anyone knows more about midgets, please, educate me.)

Like the fact that infants are boring, babies are adorable and toddlers are evil. No, I’m not kidding, toddlers are fucking evil. Gosh darn they are so cute and seem innocent, but if you live with them, you know what I’m talking about.

Of course some people would disagree, but only because they probably don’t have little ones.

You see, there are two kinds of people in this world; those who have kids and those who don’t. There is a clear distinction. Like the fact that people with children have to have a great sense of humor.

Why? you ask.

Well because chances are they have been peeded on, vomited on and definitely shit on. Would you continue to work a job if someone shit on you? Probably not, yet parents continue.

Take my advice, once someone poops on you and you still love them anyway, you see everything in a different light.

So when my daughter was finally potty trained, I thought we had gotten thru hard times, but like most of my time as a parent, I was proven wrong.

We have entered into the gates of 3-year-old Hell. My bundle of joy is starting to become a hand bag of demons. I know that sounds harsh, but just the other night I had a very interesting conversation with my toddler:

Her: ” I want to tell you something”

Me: “Ok…what?”

Her: “I want to eat your brains”

At first I giggled it off, assuming she said something else that I misinterpreted, but then she came into my bedroom one night, leaned over my bed and said, “Mom, I want to eat your brains“.

What innocent human being says I want to eat your brains? What the hell is that about? All I know if this Zombie thing DOES happen, we know whose side she is going to be on and now I’m considering buying a helmet to wear to bed.

Brains...I mean beans anyone?

Brains…I mean beans anyone?

Found this protective-brain helmet on sale for $9.99!

Found this protective-brain helmet on sale for $9.99!

Speaking of brains, toddler’s think in a very different type of way, borderline OCD. Like when it comes time for hygiene, something my child doesn’t believe in, there is a ritual that must be completed or the whole thing goes to shit.

It took me over 3 months to figure out, but I believe I have it down now:

Step 1: the word “Bath” or “Shower” MUST NOT be mentioned before 7pm; or else she still has energy to fight it.

Step 2: each bath toy, which include: A Ken barbie with chewed feet (kudos to our dog, Levi), two mermaids that are topless (again kudos to Levi) and a rubber duck, must be shown, introduced and placed on the side of the bathtub.

Step 3: DO NOT EVEN ask her to remove clothing by herself. She tries once and screams bloody murder that she can’t get it off and she can’t breathe because its on her body. Even though its been on her body all day-now its extremely constricting. I must remove clothing myself.

Step 4: enter her into the bath slowly, one toe at a time. It doesn’t matter that this procedure takes 5-10 minutes, it must be completed this way.

Step 5: YOU MUST immediately scrub underneath her armpits to make her laugh

Step 6: The drain switch has to be turned on and off by her only-or you will be paying for it all night.

Step 7: Towel must cover all body parts and she must be carried to her room like a “baby” (which means like a small infant).

If you follow these steps, you will have a successful bath.

So when people question why I only wash my kid like 2-3x a week; I tell them to shove it.

And You Thought Rain Man Was Annoying...

And You Thought Rain Man Was Annoying…

I wish that was the worst of it, but we are just getting started. My toddler has made ME and my husband very bad people. Bad because we have had no choice but to become pathological liars. I think I tell at least 10 lies between the time when I arrive home from work and the time I leave for work in the morning.

Explaining simple reason to a 3 or 4 year old is impossible, they don’t accept anything you say as truth because… well… you saw the bath ritual right? Enough said.

So I have to lie about certain things, like when my kid asks me why she can’t sleep in my bed, I tried to explain that it’s not healthy to sleep in bed with your parents. Plus mom and dad like to cuddle, talk about their day and do…other things. Clearly, this answer was not good enough, so i had no choice but to tell her that I have a monster under my bed who might eat her if she sleeps with us. I have yet to be asked that question again.

Here some other bullshit that has worked…

Toddler Question: Why do I have to take a shower?

Parent Answer: Because your hair will get so dirty it will fall out.

Toddler Question: Why do I have to sit in my seat at the restaurant until you and dad are done eating dinner?

Parent Answer: Because the manager will come over and make you wash dishes for the rest of your life.

Toddler Question: Why do I have to stop asking you the question why?

Parent Answer: Because if you don’t I might throw you out the window.

The bottom line is…this shit works. Don’t Judge.

Ain't Nothing Wrong With a Monster under the Bed.

Ain’t Nothing Wrong With a Monster under the Bed.

Ok, Ok, so clearly I am not striving to be the PERFECT parent…but I always hoped to be a decent one that my kid would appreciate. Yet, as she gets older, I can’t help but notice she makes me look like an asshole to complete strangers.

I was always under the impression that it was a parent’s job to embarrass their kids, something I am completely looking forward to, but again, I stand corrected.

I have a toddler that can’t keep secrets and hasn’t learned the rules of “What is said at home, stays at home.”

Before moving to preschool this year, my daughter’s last babysitter was of Asian decent. She has an accent, is about 4’9, around 50 years old and is the cutest woman EVER. My husband and I have a special imitation of her because she is a notable character. Obviously, our impression included an Asian accent. My toddler never took any interest in the impression and never acknowledged that it even existed. So we would do it, frequently at home, for a good laugh.

I think you know where I am going with this, so let me re-inact this classic event…

Scene: Babysitter’s house

When: After work

Who: My Toddler, Me and The Babysitter

Toddler: “Hey Miss babysitter, your Chinese… did you know that?”

Babysitter: “Why yes, I am Chinese how did you know that?”

At this point in the conversation, I immediately recognized that it was too late to stop the train wreck about to happen. For a brief moment, I considering running out the door, never to return.

Toddler: “Because my mom and dad said you walk and talk like this…hong kong chong ching fhong…”

The feeling of embarrassment from that moment surpassed anything I had ever felt in my entire lifetime.

That crazy kid said what?!

That crazy kid said what?!

So what have we learned so far, My kid is 3 and she’s devious. Sure, I think that’s a fair assessment, but what’s worse is that she is smart, WAY too smart for her own good.

I love shopping and treat myself every now and again to expensive purchases…like shoes. From previous experiences, I have learned not to bring my kid with me to the mall when I can help it. But this one particular time, i needed some new shoes and brought her along.
All went well until she announced that she had to throw up…like throw up right NOW.

Now, there is an innate parental reaction when your child says these words. You grab the first bag you can find or scurry over to the nearest trashcan. Not wanting another bad parenting scandal, I raced her out of the store to avoid vomit chunks landing on any articles of clothing and leaned her over the nearest mall trashcan. Not only did I look trashy as hell, but I was screaming at her to throw up IN the trashcan. I then realized that chances were, my kid’s vomiting aim was no where near the skill of a post-college adult and would need a second vomit barrier than just the trashcan. So in my moment of panic, I threw my $190 pair of heels on to the mall hallway floor so I could use the bag as a catcher.

As I lifted her up to throw up in the bag over the trashcan, I noticed a variety of silent bystanders watched in total disbelief; disbelief over the fact that an expensive pair of shoes were lying in the middle of the mall floor or that I was holding my 3 year old over a public trashcan. As I braced myself for the upheaval of a chicken finger lunch, my daughter started laughing hysterically and said, “Got you mom. I don’t have to throw up!”

I went home that night and Googled; Is Parent-Abuse a real thing?

Guess what, It is.

Puke Happens.

Puke Happens.

So the point of this is to show you the kinds of shit I do in my free time- hold my kid over public trashcans and worry about her eating my brain. But also, that the real life lessons you learn are from Toddlers. So pay attention America, I think we all could take a little direction from these tiny demons.

Now all of you need to go and thank your mothers for putting up with all your shit.

There She Is...and SASS is her middle name.

There She Is…and SASS is her middle name.

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