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The Date Ditcher

21 Oct

It happened. It happened to me. I never thought it would.

But how?! Was it my text? The way I responded? Maybe I seemed too over-eager to meet up.  I tend to get a little excited about new relationships.

This was my first time, I thought I did everything right. We met at a party and hit it off right away. We kept in touch every now and again and exchanged facebook friend requests. Then one night, after finding the courage in 3 glasses of wine, I sent a text asking to meet up and it worked! We set a date and time and double confirmed the details. The day came and I could barely contain my excitement. I showered, shaved and even put on my new fall booties. I anxiously awaited by the door as the time neared closer to the hour you said you were arriving but you never came. You never showed up. You never rescheduled. You never even cancelled!

Yes, I got stood up…on a date… on a play date.

I normally don’t do play dates. The thought of sitting in a stranger’s house while our kids play and leave us to small chit chat is excruciating. Especially when there is no wine involved. I went with my daughter to one birthday party/ play date and it was probably the worst thing ever. I’m not sure which was more painful, the fact that each and every kid at the party had a melt down or that people assumed I was the 18 year old babysitter hired to help.

Yea, play dates aren’t really my thing.

But they almost were…last year at a party, I met a girl that I had gone to high school with. I found out she had a son who is close in age with my daughter and immediately we hit it off.  By the end of the night, we had decided we should get together; the kids could run themselves tired while we drank wine and complained about them running wild.

It sounded like a dream play date come true.

Basically, I tend to get really overly excited when I meet new people. I am that over-eager friend. When you say, “we should get together soon” I respond with, “how about tomorrow”? Yea, I’m one of those people. Making friends out of college is a tough task. You no longer have drinking buddies or Sunday brunch besties. As you each begin to start new jobs and get married, you are lucky if you keep 2-3 friends from college. Sure, you can make work friends but all you really have in common is work and all you probably do is bitch about your boss. So to say that I was a tad excited for this meet up is a bit of an understatement. For this play date I went out and bought a cheese spread…Yes, A MOTHER FUCKING CHEESE SPREAD.

This was serious.

Our guests were to arrive at 2pm and confirmed earlier that morning we were still on. I did some last minute cleaning, brushed my dogs so they were less smelly then before and sat patiently on the couch awaiting their arrival….

DateDitcher

2:00 ….Ok, it’s time! I’m sure they will be here any minute now.

2:15….silly me, nobody arrives right on time, she is probably just being fashionably late. 

2:30….Maybe they stopped to pick up some desserts. 

2:35….They must have hit a detour in the road

2:40…I hope they arn’t dead

2:45…They are definitely dead

2: 50…I’ll send a text

TextHey! Are you guys on your way?!

3:00…No response

3:15…Ok, Seriously this is rude, the cheese is melting 

3:20...I’ll start an episode of Scandal while I’m waiting

3: 30…Shit, I ate all of the cheese 

4:00…Fuck it, I’m changing out of my bra and watching NetFlix

4:30…Drank entire bottle of wine and fell asleep

Can you believe I never received a response or cancellation from this girl?

Look, when a man stands you up on a date it’s expected because men are douche bags, but women, women know to cancel plans. They either reschedule or come up with a half believable excuse as to why they can’t make it. This girl straight up just went missing in action. I even kept an eye on the news in case I heard about a mother and son that were taken hostage!

For two days I had no idea what happened or if this girl was even still alive. Lucky for me, the world is small and I found out she planned a birthday party for her son the same day as our play date was scheduled.

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Ok? Weird? Maybe she forgot about the birthday party?  Some people might forget a planned birthday party for their kid…right? But still, shoot me a simple text like, HEY-gotta reschedule, totes forgot my kid’s birthday party is today!

WHAT IS THAT? Why are people so damn weird?! I got a cheese spread for crying out loud! 

At least Addison sees right through the bullshit. When I asked about her thoughts on being ditched on her first play date, this is what she said,

This whole situation is awkward and so is that kid’s mom.”

Well said.

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Meet Sarah, Addison’s Vampire Sister

7 Jul

I hope you all are recovering well after a three day long weekend of boozing and sunshine. I’m writing this after a very long weekend which means I’m still paying for it. I shouldn’t feel so crappy today, we had a fun weekend with good friends. We even got to take Addison to her first “friend” birthday party. Her first party at 4 years old…I know it sounds like a late “first” right? It’s not like she’s a loser and never gets invited to parties, it’s late because my husband and I were too chicken to take her to the other parties. Sure that sounds selfish but when you are the youngest parents there by 10+ years, it’s a little intimidating. Plus, introducing yourselves as Ryan and Ryan can get annoying. We can only handle it in doses.

Birthday Party Fun

Birthday Party Fun

Superhero Party!

Superhero Party!

So we go and it was just as awkward as you could imagine. Parents standing around, not sure what to do. Nobody was talking to one another or being friendly so it was a lot of sitting and watching the kids run back and forth. At one point one of the mother’s sat next to me. I decided to strike a conversation and we chatted about stupid shit that mother’s chat about. She told me she was a teacher at Addison’s school and was raving about how great Addison was.

Then she asks, “Where is Addison’s little sister? Did you bring her along today? Or was it too hot to bring her outside?

This is not the first time Addison has told her schoolmates that she has a younger sibling…but something about this detailed question made me realize that maybe the whole sibling lie was a little more extreme than I had anticipated.

“Addison doesn’t have a little sister.” I replied.

What? She tells us these stories about her little sister, Sarah.  One time she told the class that Sarah has brown hair and brown eyes. She did also mention that Sarah has a condition where she can’t be around other people or go outside for long periods of time. Wow, all of that was made up?

I didn’t know which was worse, the fact that my kid is telling people about an invisible, rabid little sister or the fact that these teachers are dumb enough to believe her.

beach

Everyone, meet Sarah…Addison’s younger vampire sister

Addison has been known to be “creative”. I choose not say, a “liar” because she means no harm in making up these stories. I knew we were in trouble the day she began describing her most fondest memories of Disney World. She explained that her happiest moment was when she got to meet Mickey Mouse in person and he kissed her hand...we have never been to Disney World. Or my personal favorite when she told me her greatest hobby is saving baby monkeys in Africa. Yes, apparently my daughter saves baby monkeys in her free time.

To be honest, I have no idea where she gets this from….SEE: MADE UP SHIT I TELL MY KID

 

We left the party shortly after. Addison was strapped in her car seat, happily munching on her 5 lbs of pinata candy. I felt now was the best time to confront her about her little “sister”.

Addison, why do you tell everyone you have a sister?” 

(Silence…..)

“Your teacher told me that you have a sister named Sarah. Not only that but Sarah cannot go in the sunshine or be around people.” 

“Well…I tell them she can’t be outside in the sun, it hurts her skin…And she is not allowed to be around other people because she bites…”

Good God, Sarah bites…

“Addison, why are you saying that? That is called lying.” 

“Yes. But they ask me about her and I cannot stop telling them. I cannot.”

“Ok, Please stop telling your school that you have a sister who lives in the basement because she bites people.”

The Family according to Addison

The Family according to Addison

Lovely vacation with Addison and Sarah

Apparently Sarah was on vacation with us!

Who knows how long these people at my daughter’s school actually believed that I have a rabid, blood sucking child locked in my basement at home. No wonder why I get weird looks when I pick her up from school.

We Are The Stick People

4 Apr
Untitled

This is an original drawing

I never understood the stick family phenomenon.

You know, those stupid family conglomerates stuck on the back of minivans?

I live in a typical suburbia environment where minivans rule the road. I know I’m getting close to home when I start to see the plethora of stick people dance across my line of vision.

The population of my town has been reduced to stick figures and no one seems to care.

This might sound crazy but I think there is a competition going on with this stick family obsession.

The more stick people that populate your back windshield the better! Let the stick kid breeding competition begin!

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I frequently ask myself, where did this begin?

I think I also found the answer:

America Loves Stickers

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I saw a van the other day that had 9 stick kids.

Yes, 9.

Why would you want to tell people you have 9 children? When I see you have 9 children, it makes me want to drive up next to you and scream, “Stop breeding stick people”.

Plus, if you drive a minivan I already assumed you have a mass litter of kids.

The irony of the whole thing was that this particular minivan had an additional bumper sticker that read,

Proud supporter of my neighborhood watch program

Well,  you’re not doing the neighborhood watch any favors by inviting every single child molester in the area to follow you home. Basically your family decal is  putting your litter of stick kids in danger. While you think it’s cute to have stickers on the back windshield, to a pedophile you are saying, “Hey, we have kids! And lots to spare! Come by and join the fun!”

The sticks have gone to your brain.

If I were to post my family stick status, I would have a mommy stick, daddy stick and baby stick. I would also include two doggie sticks, one cat stick and one rabbit stick.

People would officially know that I am an animal hoarder. This is why I am not a stick fanatic.

The only benefit to this stick family obsession is that it can be a great source of gossip for the rest of us…and who doesn’t love a little gossip?

Just last week, I found out that my daughter’s classmate has TWO dads.

How?

I saw this:

My_Family_DINK

Dad-to-Dad Parenting

And then I noticed a change in my neighbor’s stick family situation.

She added an additional stick child (she is expecting) and removed her stick husband (they are getting a divorce).

The big X just gave it away.

car-photo-2004-honda-pilot-stick-figure-family-decals-father-position-open-funny

You can learn a lot when you pay attention.

Shockingly, this trend has caught on in non-suburban cities like Newark too!

Typically in these parts of town, I expect to see death decals:

 

Debbie Downer Stickers

Debbie Downer Stickers

However I was presently surprised to see this:

 

9krDTnA

Hard Core Jail Time

Baby mama has custody of the kids while baby daddy does jail time…O, and they have a dog.

Honest, entertaining and to the point.

I love it.

But the fun doesn’t end there, I am starting to see some really creative stick family decals that I think are worth mentioning…

Everyone has a little family dysfunction

DFMSyvo

Dysfunction at it’s finest

Why be stick people when you could be a family of tight-ass chickens?

fs4

Even the Single-Cat Lady wanted to partake in the fun!

Any takers?

stick-figure-family-sticker

Proud and Loud Mormons

stick-figure-family-stickers-3

And finally, what’s a family without a little passive-aggressiveness?

stick-figure-decals-beer

Those damn hoes wreck everything

I will never understand the point of this trend.

Maybe it’s along the lines of putting reindeer antlers on cars at Christmas time. Or maybe it’s a deep seeded need for humans to feel validated by the use of stickers; anyone remember Kindergarten Star Charts?

No, that’s not a memory we would like to re-visit, I agree.

So many sticks, so little time…

 


 

 

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

Mommy Conviction

14 Feb

My kid told me she was taking me to court.

According to her, I was guilty of taking too many “Mommy shortcuts” and it was time to bring me to justice once and for all. She was nice enough to offer me a plea deal in exchange for lesser jail time. Her deal was simple, if I would give her 3 candy bars a night for the rest of her life, she would drop all the charges held against me and destroy the evidence.  If I didn’t take the deal, I would be looking at some serious jail time…Jail time in Mommy Shaming prison.

I refused her deal, I might take shortcuts here and there but I’d be dammed if she was going to turn into a little fat kid! So, I told her I would take my chances in court.

The next day we found ourselves in the courthouse where she made her case. Below are the court transcripts from the actual trial…

Please rise for the honorable Judge, “Queen Addison“.

Guilty or Not Guilty

Guilty or Not Guilty

Today we are here to decide on a ruling for case #34656, Addison Vs That Girl Ryan. You will hear Ms. Addison layout her case as to why her mother should be found guilty of cutting corners in motherhood. We know that all parties are innocent until proven guilty. However if the opposing party should be found guilty, the defendant will be sentenced to a full term in mommy shamming prison, aka a full hour of playing barbies and making friendship bracelets.

Ms. Addison, please present your case.

Addison took the stand and presented the evidence…

1. My Mom calls this shit, dinner.

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2. This is considered educational so I spend a lot of time watching it.

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3. She claims she is tired when she wants Daddy to make dinner. That’s just plain #LAZY.

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4. I’m only allowed to drink water. She says juice is for sick kids.

I don’t believe that.

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5. She hates cleaning.

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6. She throws away my artwork because it “clutters” the house.

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7. Her other “kids” can sleep in her bed…

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I am not allowed.

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8. I am the photographer for her blog postings…

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and I don’t even get paid for it.

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9. This is my favorite picture…

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My mom says I can’t hang it up because it creeps her out.

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10. These do not fit me…

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but I wear them anyway.

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11. According to my mom, taking a good selfie is a life skill…

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I have mastered it.

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12. She hides from our neighbors…

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and makes me hide with her.

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13. Baths only happen once a week…

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and so does brushing my hair.

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14. She usually never has enough food in the house…

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but always enough beer.

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After she presented her case, the judge made her final decision….

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That Girl Ryan you have been found GUILTY.

I was immediately taken into custody and went to Mommy Shaming Prison where I played Barbies and made friendship bracelets for a full hour.

It. Was. Hell.

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Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

Thank God for Tequila and Crappy Birth Control

30 Jan

Do you ever wonder what if? What if you had made one decision differently? How would your life change?

Maybe you would be a rock star right now. Or maybe you would be a millionaire. Maybe not, but you never know.

The possibilities of “What If” are endless.  Everything in this moment IS the way it IS because of tiny small decisions…Whoa, deep thoughts for a Thursday, I know.

Cinco-De-Mayo in 2009 was most likely the night my surprise daughter came about. Drenched in Tequila after a day’s worth of drinking, Boy Ryan and I would have never guessed our little Mexican celebration dance would result in a series of events that would become our life.

Tequila+ Stupidity=Children

I often wonder, “What if my daughter was never born?” Not in like a bad way, actually sometimes, when she throws tantrums, but most of the time as just a thought. What would my life be like If I didn’t have children? Would it be better? Would it be worse? My life would probably be a lot easier and I’d be way cooler.

Who am I kidding, my life would be awesome. There are so many perks to being a child-less person…

1. I would never have to share the T.V…

instead, I have to watch this shit

What the F#$% is this?

What the F#$% is this anyway?

2.  I could sleep off all my hangovers…

Instead, I have to wake-up to this:

3. I wouldn’t be so lame…

Instead, I get excited about…

7pm…IMG_0824

PARTY TIME….

4. I would never have to answer to the name, “Mommy”…

Instead, I have to hear it over and over and over again

5. I would have real hobbies…

Instead, my hobbies are Barbies and dress-up

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Ariel and Eric’s Wedding…3rd time this week

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I’m always cast as Mary Poppins…not bad eh?

6. My biggest worry would be my social calendar…

Instead, I worry about well balanced dinners

My kid's diet

This is healthy right?

7. My goals would be more adventurous:

1. Travel the world

2. Hike Mt. Vesuvius

3. Wear a bathing suit thong in public

Instead, my goals are totally unrealistic:

1. Stay up past 11pm on a Friday night

2. Teach my kid to wipe her own ass, correctly

3. Have a clean house for a week

8. My house wouldn’t be such a disaster…

Instead, I brace myself when cleaning.

This is Styrofoam found under the pillow

Styrofoam underneath pillows

Dirty underwear in MY bed

Dirty underwear in my bed.

I asked my kid why she didn’t put her dirty underwear in the laundry bin. She replied, “This is dad’s underwear.”

Note to self: If my husband is wearing Cinderella underwear in size 4T, I may have to re-evaluate the marriage.

What is this? Can you tell?

SURPRISE! Can you tell what this is? No, let’s take a closer look…

Closer look...That is a band-aid. Specifically a dirty band-aid

Yep…That is a band-aid. Specifically, a used band-aid

9. I would sleep all night, every night…

Instead, I wake up to nasty feet in my face

This_isnt_fair...

10. Nobody would publicly embarrass me…

Instead when I have a visible booger in my nose, everybody hears about it

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I know, poor me, my life is such a fail, I could have had such a beautiful life…

Damn Cinco-De-Mayo and all it’s devilish temptations.

6ht2b

But when I get down about my perfect, child-free, non-existent life, I come home and see this face.

What a mug!

What a mug!

For whatever reason I just can’t help but think…Thank gosh for Tequila and shitty birth control!

The Perks of Living at Home

4 Dec

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The word graduation can be a double edge sword. We live in a generation where we are always on the move, and God forbid for a second we push pause. I’m pretty sure we are convinced the earth will crack. I went through this phase last year to be exact. I thought I NEEDED to move out of my parents’ house ASAP. I remember looking at apartments with That Girl Ryan thinking it would be totally okay to live in a $900/month studio apartment in Morristown with uneven obnoxiously low ceilings and a half kitchen with no oven. This “apartment” was literally a small dumpster.apartment It would have been a death trap for anyone taller than 5’5” to visit. Ryan had to enter with a helmet. The entrance was a steep staircase, but it happened to be in the middle of the apartment. I could only imagine how many head injuries I would have received due to falling down or up the stairs after coming home from a fun night out on the town or from just being my clumsy self. YIKES!! The girl who I would replace slept on her mattress on the floor in a little nook in which sitting up was not an option. You would have to roll out of bed until you got into the middle of the apartment to stand up and even then the ceiling was still only 3 inches taller than me!!! I feel like there should have been directions on the wall kind of like a how to put out a fire…instead this would be how to get out of bed in the morning. The bathroom was actually on a slant— could you imagine putting on makeup in the morning? My equilibrium would constantly be off.  But it’s okay because this shit hole would have been all mine! To think I thought this apartment would have been the promised land…

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!!?!?!

I probably would have lasted about 3 weeks in there, and 2 would have been spent in a hospital due to falling down the stairs.

 

Although I know most of you think it is best to move out of your parent’s house ASAP, I wanted to make you aware of some “living at home” perks you might not have considered….they could change your mind.

 

1. The Fridge and Pantry are always magically full

Fully Stocked Refrigeratorpantry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Leftover Paradise

leftovers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. They are constantly the life of the party

steve

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Fully Stocked Laundry Room

laundry room

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. SO MANY KITCHEN GADGETS

Kitchen-gadgets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. FREE WIFI

free wifi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Reliable Handy Man

dad

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Dishes?!?

dishes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Endless Supply of Toilet Paper

toilet paper

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Andrea

CleaningLady

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. RENT FREE 

rent free

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12. They are morally obligated to like you

they love me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now I know all of these come across as me being a spoiled brat but in all reality I have been taken off the payroll as Burt and the Boss call it very quickly after graduation. But I cannot thank them enough for actually letting me stay under their roof because without them I would probably be living in that midget apartment. Besides…I have come to realize that these people are actually pretty cool after all. So, to all my upcoming college grads out there…don‘t rush moving out if you can wait. I promise it will all be worth it in the end.

Meet My Publicist

14 Nov

Everyone, meet Danielle, my publicist. I’ve referenced her before in my posts and now you get the pleasure of meeting her. Danielle is my humor buddy, we discuss incredibly important topics like Pooping in Public, Waxing and Ryan Gosling.

I bribed her into writing some guest blogs on That Girl Ryan. This could be the start of a beautiful thing…

************************************************************************************************

Well hello That Girl Ryan followers!!

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First I would like to say how awesome it is to be given the privilege to be a guest blogger on That Girl Ryan today. I have been told that if I do a good job, I may be hanging around a little while. Let’s cut to the chase before I lose followers for her.

My name is Danielle or as That Girl Ryan calls me, “The Publicist”. Who do you think helps Ryan put these awesome posts together?? She has been pestering me to introduce myself to her blog world for quite some time now…I mean I did come up with the title for her blog. You people are lucky for that, she was trying to get all philosophical and name her blog about life and lemons or some stupid crap like that, so you’re welcome.

Ryan and I have known each other since we were 14 years old, and then she got all cool and I became an emo and that would have never worked out well in high school. We re-kindled our friendship this past year during our short stint as media sales reps.

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Now back to me…..

I did the whole college thing; took me five years but hey, I am a proud supporter of the 5 year plan! I mean I turned out just fine according to my roommates. I call my roommates; The Boss and Burt Reynolds (aka my mom and dad). For the past 24 years, I have been leeching life’s secrets off these people- and money and food. You will hear me mention life with The Roomies IF That Girl Ryan lets me come back.

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I’m what you can consider a walking exclamation point! I never grasped the concept of inside voices at a young age. I am loud and so is my laugh; I’m just always happy to be wherever I am. One of my talents is speed texting, I can out text any 16 year old any day of the week. BRING IT, I DARE YOU!

Being that That Girl Ryan is wifed up and is the mother to Queen A, as I call her; she sometimes loses touch with what it’s like to be young and free-like me. Don’t worry everyone I promise I won’t disappoint; I’m brutally honest and have the humor of a teenage boy. Relax, I know how to keep it classy. I look forward to telling you all about terrible first dates, life as a 20 something and just the shit you wish you could say out loud. Until next time….BAI!

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