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A Letter To The Mayans

Dear Mayans,

I am a bit upset with you…regarding your theories about 12/21/2012…you remember…the end of the Mayan Calendar?

Yea, so about that….I just want you to know that I was fully prepared for the worst and got nothing.

Buckets of water were stocked in my basement, a zombie machete was purchased in case of an outbreak AND all my family members, including my dogs, had hazmat suits.

I took your theory so seriously that at work, I was deemed, “The Apocalypse Girl”. Every day my co-workers would gather around my desk to hear all about the 2012 predictions. And now, because you lied…they just all think I’m out of my mind. Great career reputation to have…

I even argued with all the non-believers out there…standing up on street corners preaching about the end of days…yelling at random pedestrians in the streets…holding up signs in the subway…shit got serious.

Well now all that was for nothing…because it’s July and the earth is still turning. There were no zombies, aliens or nuclear warfare. All this Mayan prediction had to show for itself was a bunch of bad “End of the World” movies and news about trashy celebrities who shouldn’t be having babies.

This is the real world tragedy

Shame on You Mayans…shame. on. you. Now you look like a clan of loonies, making all those sacrifices and building years worth of pointless stone structures.

Idiots.

How does it feel to know that your only claim to fame will be slutty versions of your Mayan outfits on Halloween this year?!

I was looking forward to having a post-apocalyptic life. There were just so many pluses to living in a non-civilized world, so many possibilities.

Like…..

No BRAS!

Never Having To Wear A Bra Again-Like Ever

I hate bras, I hate wearing them. I started to give all my bras away or burn them when my husband was sleeping knowing I wouldn’t need them after the Apocalypse. My ta-tas even grew a size bigger out of pure excitement of knowing they would never be caged again.

A New Life Of UN-Employment

Who doesn’t want to be a professional Hunter and Gatherer for the rest of their life? I sure do!

In preparation, I had already drafted my “out of office” email at work.

“I will be the out of the office due to the Mayan 2012 prediction and will not be returning to work anytime soon.

If you need immediate assistance…you’re shit out of luck.”

Best,

That Girl Ryan

Hygiene Wouldn’t Be Necessary

Can’t tell you how much enthusiasm I had knowing that bathing was soon to be “optional”. Look, I’m lazy and trying to keep up with beauty tactics can be exhausting. Remember how much you hated painting your face before those ridiculous Mayan rituals? Well, imagine doing that every day AND plucking all the hair from your body…who said grooming was a luxury?

Sure they look dirty…but just imagine the smell of their breath?!

Money

The entire world would be poor together. No more cash, no more credit and best of all, NO MORE TAXES! I had actually planned on calling up Mitt Romney just so I could ask him how it felt to be part of the 47%?

Welcome to the dark side, Mitt.

Honestly, whose got an issue with being lazy?

Guilt-Free Lazy Days

Unless your homeless, sick or unemployed, laying around all day is unacceptable. This was my one shot to do nothing but sleep and eat Little Debbie Cakes until my pants busted open…because let’s face it, in a doomsday scenario, the real advantage is body fat and rest.

Life would be simple

There are so many choices and decisions we all must face in life;

Should I post this selfie on Facebook?

Will my IPhone look good in this purse?

Do these clothes make me look fat?

Jesus Christ, life is exhausting! I believe in some twisted way, most of humanity was hoping for an Apocalypse in 2012. Not hoping for thousands of people to die, but just to make life simple again.

In a world where your entire purpose is to survive, you could care less if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are really happy together. (But seriously, they have six kids, they can’t be, right?).

Whatever it is…I just don’t know how I will be able to get over this disappointment…the disappointment of knowing that now I have to pay off my student loans.

Mayans, I hope you understand the chaos your calendar has brought to my life….but on a positive note, Party City finally released the “Slutty Mayan” costume for October.

Sincerely,

Your Little Mayan fan