Tag Archives: gym

10 Distractions in Female Fashion

21 Jan

935984_2162148736849_1302374078_nAfter working in retail all throughout college I can say I have observed some serious fashion distractions, ranging from the peek a boo thong sitings to the dumpy white Reeboks. If you got that instant paranoid feeling, then I’m glad I got your attention. Keep in mind I am a woman of mistakes as well and there were times when I was guilty of some of these fashion distractions but I realized that 90% of the female population is guilty of committing terrible fashion crimes. So I decided to create a list of 10 things that Distract me in Women’s fashion. I promise I will not think less of you if you are guilty of one or more of these on my list that is, ONLY if you have intentions of fixing these distractions. Shall we begin…..

1. The See Through Legging

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LADIES THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I know that you can’t see your butt entirely but do yourself a favor and bend over in front of a mirror. A little bend could go a long way. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve seen some bottom of the drawer underwear because you did not bend and check before you left the house.

2. Over used UGG boots

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WHY WHY WHY!!!! Do you see how stupid you look? I have seriously lost track of how many women I see walking around with uneven over used Uggs boots. I know they are expensive but guess what, that’s why knock offs were invented. I promise you I can hardly tell they are not the real deal. Please retire your Uglies immediately!

3. Holey Socks

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For the record, I want you to know I nearly dry heaved while trying to find a picture of this. I’m not quite sure why but socks with holes just get to me. You’re probably wondering…well if my shoes are on….how can you see them? It’s when you take your shoes off and you enter my space, you are entering the NO-NO zone. Socks don’t cost much. Do me and the rest of the world a favor…get some new socks.

4. Pit Stains

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Now this is a sensitive subject because I’m pretty sure we are all guilty of the occasional Pit Stain every now and then. Trust me I am guilty of these on a daily basis. What kills me are the girls out there who don’t know when it’s time to retire the Pit Stained shirt. I promise, you will find a basic white tee again for less then $10 at HM.

5. Baby Deer Syndrome

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If you can’t walk in your shoes….guess what..that means you shouldn’t be wearing them. There is nothing worse then seeing a gorgeous girl who cannot walk in newly purchased Sam Edelman’s or better yet her obnoxiously high Christian Louboutin’s. If I wanted to see a baby deer I would watch Disney’s Bambi. I’m no expert in high heel walking but that’s why I keep it at 3-4 inches max.

6. Bra Back Fat

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I believe there are 2 types of Bra Back Fat…You’re either overweight or have no idea what bra size you are. If you are in category 2 of Bra Back Fat…we can all tell the difference between a 34C and a 32C. The smaller size ain’t doing you or the person behind you any favors, go get measured.  Trust me, bra back fat is not a good look.

7. Camel Toe

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Now if you expected this not to be on the list then you were terribly mistaken. Unfortunately, camel toes are still sweeping the female wardrobe nation 1 crotch at a time. The only fix to this is just stop wearing your pants so far up your vagina. If you’re not comfortable with your body then get mid-rise like I do. The beefcake in my life always makes fun of me for it…but guess what this homegirl doesn’t have a muffin top or a camel toe! If I helped eliminate 1 camel toe today then I did my job.

8. Sports Bra Gym Whore

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I have one thing to say to this girl or any girl who dresses like this at the gym…PUT A TEE SHIRT ON AND PULL YOUR HAIR BACK YOU STUPID GYM WHORE! Even if I had a body like this girl in the picture-who by the way should add more weight to her squat-I wouldn’t dress like her. I dare you to put some clothes on and put a crease in that recently washed hair of yours. You will be surprised the type of positive attention you will receive.

9. Ripped Tights

Ripped Tights

AHHHHH!!!!!! I want to shove my hair in my mouth to calm myself down when I see this on the street. Who told you this was a good look!?! Please tell me! Because I would love to slap a bitch and then buy each and every one of you a new pair of tights! “I saw it in an Urban Outfitters catalog”…well, clearly you don’t pull it off well because now you just look like a homeless hooker.  Just be honest, you’re too lazy to buy new tights. God dammit, JUST BUY THEM!

10. Jewelry Hoarder

Too much jewelry

Is it really necessary to have 4 rings on 1 hand or better yet 20 bracelets on at all times. This reminds me of my emo days. Take note of my wrist in the picture below….

NOT A GOOD LOOK, PUBLICIST!!!

NOT A GOOD LOOK PUBLICIST!!!

Unless you are about to go into a girl fight there is no reason to wear this much jewelry on your body at one time. It just looks dumb. Keep it classy ladies…that’s all I got to say.

I hope I didn’t embarrass too many of you with this post or lose any friends…My goal is to help the female population by creating 1 less fashion distraction at a time. Plus, I can finally focus on what’s important, like squatting with my hair tied back.

The Real Housewives of the Gym

24 Sep

Women are such interesting animals…Yes, animals. You have to wonder how men have co-existed and kept up with these crazed mental patients for so long. I mean if you really think about it, can you really blame them for suppressing the female population for as long as they did? Poor guys just couldn’t keep up…

But there is a particular group of woman who have brought a whole new definition to Mind-games. I’m no historian, but I believe the 50’s and 60’s social structure provided a prime environment for these women to evolve into mind-fucking masters, I’m talking about housewives. Dangerous, Devious and Dainty all in the same sentence.

housewife_happy

Now before all you housewives reading get your panties in a bunch and start throwing Dr. Oz’s latest recipe in my face, let’s at least admit you look forward to other activities that don’t involve cooking, cleaning or children…activities like the gym. I’m not saying it’s pathetic…I know for working women, the highlight of our week is casual Fridays so were not that far off. But when I joined a new gym this year and saw first hand how housewives interact with one another, my perspective on this group of women has really changed.

I’m not a fan of the gym and if it wasn’t for the multiple self-loathing sessions about the jiggly packs on my ass, I’d never set foot in that fat-burning hell hole. Eventually, reality sets in; you can’t eat like a 700lb man trying to maintain a 140lb stature without a little work-out here and there. Thus, I take group fitness classes (hell ya!) with a bunch of 40-50 year old housewives and have developed a whole new set of middle-aged girlfriends! This is exciting, because I believe middle-aged friends are better than 20 something-year-old friends, I just learn a lot more from them.

They teach me all about menopause, divorce and why 40 truly is the NEW 20. I even found out the reason why our trainer doesn’t incorporate any jumping exercises into our workouts. It’s because the older women almost always pee their pants. Apparently, after having a couple of children, jumping up and down makes you wet yourself.

A Great Motto To Live By

A Great Motto To Live By

These home warriors are a force to be reckoned with; once you piss them off, its war. Housewives have the time for a good, long battle so you can’t underestimate their power to fuck with your head.

Let’s digress…

Housewives have silent conflicts. They don’t exchange confrontational words or physical beatings, but instead use passive aggressive tactics to ruin your life. Sometimes, you don’t know your in a conflict until one day you walk into workout class and no body will talk to you, then you know the damage has been done.
Recently, I have gotten tangled up in this mess and it’s actually quite amusing! But before I dive in, let me first introduce you to my middle-aged workout friends…

Plasty

Plasty is purely plastic. Her boobs, her lips, her ass are all fake. She dyes her hair blonde and wears make-up to work out. PLASTY never sweats. According to her, ladies don’t sweat because ladies don’t need to work that hard, that’s what men are for. For a woman who doesn’t sweat, Plasty is as thin as a match-stick probably because she just eats steam and injects plastic into her veins to keep from absorbing any fat.

Plasty also gets really mad when she is behind me in circuit-station workouts (moving from one exercise to another). I sweat a lot and she gets annoyed that my sweat is sometimes left behind on a yoga mat or weight bench. She has never said this, remember silence is key here, but her eye rolls and disgusted sighs tip me off to her sweat displeasure. I, in return, leave as much of my sweat behind as possible.

Mama

Mama goes to the gym because she is trying to loose her “baby-weight”. Her youngest child was born 7 years ago. Mama also rocks a mean-camel toe…I’m talking her spandex is screaming for help because it’s at the point of no return. Mama of course drives a half SUV/half mini-van (with turbo) completed with the animated avatars of her family members on the back windshield.

Queefy

Queefy’s name might give away her claim to fame. Queefy always Queefs (vagina farts) in workout class. Usually it happens during our ab and core exercises. When it happens, she always giggles and tries to play it off, “My silly shoe keeps making that silly noise!

I like Queefy, but someone needs to tell her the truth. We know you just Queefed, Queefy and hey, its happens. but seriously, it’s awkward. I think you need to get some sort of plug…I’m sure a tampon would do the trick.

And finally, this brings us to the last gym lady-My enemy…

She might as well look like this

She might as well look like this

Competitive Connie

Competitive Connie is my enemy and I am hers…but we haven’t verbally established this, again silence is key here.

Competitive Connie is the one woman who needs to compete for everything and anything.

Have a great joke to tell? Competitive Connie has a better one. Just upped your weight in bench pressing? Competitive Connie’s been doing that for months.Met a celebrity and got something on sale? Competitive Connie met three and got it cheaper. YOUR story is NEVER as GREAT as Competitive Connie’s…

Hence, why no one likes Competitive Connie…

I don’t like her because she goes out of her way to make everyone look stupid.

The other ladies don’t like her because she hired a cleaning lady 4x a week (apparently, this is a no-no in the world of housewives).

Maid Gives Thumbs Up for Cleanliness

Long story short, one day, the ladies got so tired of it, that they nominated me to try and OUT-DO Competitive Connie.

For days during my drive to and from work I planned my strategy. Since I couldn’t defeat her physically, I would do it with a story she couldn’t outshine. A story so powerful, there was nothing she could say to Top-it.

When the day had arrived, I took a deep breath as I sat on to my mat and lifted my medicine ball, preparing for abs. I gave a nod to Plasty, Queefy and Mama letting them know it was time. They excitedly looked at one another; This was the day their nightly phone conversations had waited for, the day That Girl Ryan would defeat Competitive Connie and give hope to all the housewives of the world (Well, in a 15 mile radius at least).

I licked my lips and began my story….

ME: “So Connie, I was excited to tell you that I just found out I’m related to Miley Cyrus. She is a cousin of mine through a distant relative who just happened to also invent the vacuum, you know the vacuum that whirls in a circle and pivots behind couches? I believe you told us you have one of those no? Anyway, when I found this out, I decided to vacuum my living room. When I emptied the vacuum bag, I discovered $50! That same day after the dishes, laundry and lunches were completed, I went to DSW and bought these $50 heels that were marked down from $150”.

By the time I finished my verbal strike, I was out of breath. There was no way she was going to out-shine THAT story. Competitive Connie stopped her exercise and turned directly in my direction; she understood that I had just declared war.

The ladies and I waited in silence holding our breath, Queefy holding hers a little more, I’m sure, because we were doing crunches.

Would Competitive Connie collapse from defeat? Or would she take the bait?

That fucker took the bait.

Well, that was quite a day for you, That Girl Ryan and such an interesting story! (SMILE) It actually reminds me of the time I went to my uncle’s house, who is also Babe Ruth’s son. He invented the broom! The broom came BEFORE the vacuum, if I have my facts in order. Speaking of the vacuum you referenced, I just threw it out..pity. It actually is a crappy, horrible vacuum and i wouldn’t recommend it to MY WORST enemy. (SMILE). You should probably focus a little more on completing your abs, your only at 55 and I am already on 75 and almost done.

As she trailed off on her bullshit, I sat in total disbelief that I had lost to a housewife. I crafted that story over a 3 day period just to make sure I could out-do her and she thought of that shit in 30 seconds.

This is accurate

This is accurate

Not only that, but I had let my gym ladies down. Now their day would continue to be boring, surely they were looking forward to their phone-gossip schedules that would have lasted well into the evening before their husbands returned home from work.

The next few days, Competitive Connie really ramped up her plan for total destruction. When I would lift a weight, she would get a bigger weight and lift it longer. When I would jog instead of walk to my next circuit station, she would sprint. I even ran into her at the grocery store a few nights ago. She smiled (obviously fake) and I smiled back (even more fake). We chatted about the weather and wished each other a nice evening but in my mind, I knew there was a different meaning…

The weather seems quite odd latelyTranslation: You are really going to try and out-do me?

This sunshine won’t last long, its about time the temperature starts to lowerTranslation: You may be the under-dog that Queefy, Mama and Plasty are rooting for, but you will never defeat me.

Have a good night, I will see you bright and early!Translation: Bring your game, bitch.

I have never had an invisible housewife conflict so I am a bit lost when it comes to these things. But sooner or later, I’m going to set the gym ladies FREE, away from the reign of Competitive Connie.

But until that time, the drama continues….

housework

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