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Meet Sarah, Addison’s Vampire Sister

7 Jul

I hope you all are recovering well after a three day long weekend of boozing and sunshine. I’m writing this after a very long weekend which means I’m still paying for it. I shouldn’t feel so crappy today, we had a fun weekend with good friends. We even got to take Addison to her first “friend” birthday party. Her first party at 4 years old…I know it sounds like a late “first” right? It’s not like she’s a loser and never gets invited to parties, it’s late because my husband and I were too chicken to take her to the other parties. Sure that sounds selfish but when you are the youngest parents there by 10+ years, it’s a little intimidating. Plus, introducing yourselves as Ryan and Ryan can get annoying. We can only handle it in doses.

Birthday Party Fun

Birthday Party Fun

Superhero Party!

Superhero Party!

So we go and it was just as awkward as you could imagine. Parents standing around, not sure what to do. Nobody was talking to one another or being friendly so it was a lot of sitting and watching the kids run back and forth. At one point one of the mother’s sat next to me. I decided to strike a conversation and we chatted about stupid shit that mother’s chat about. She told me she was a teacher at Addison’s school and was raving about how great Addison was.

Then she asks, “Where is Addison’s little sister? Did you bring her along today? Or was it too hot to bring her outside?

This is not the first time Addison has told her schoolmates that she has a younger sibling…but something about this detailed question made me realize that maybe the whole sibling lie was a little more extreme than I had anticipated.

“Addison doesn’t have a little sister.” I replied.

What? She tells us these stories about her little sister, Sarah.  One time she told the class that Sarah has brown hair and brown eyes. She did also mention that Sarah has a condition where she can’t be around other people or go outside for long periods of time. Wow, all of that was made up?

I didn’t know which was worse, the fact that my kid is telling people about an invisible, rabid little sister or the fact that these teachers are dumb enough to believe her.

beach

Everyone, meet Sarah…Addison’s younger vampire sister

Addison has been known to be “creative”. I choose not say, a “liar” because she means no harm in making up these stories. I knew we were in trouble the day she began describing her most fondest memories of Disney World. She explained that her happiest moment was when she got to meet Mickey Mouse in person and he kissed her hand...we have never been to Disney World. Or my personal favorite when she told me her greatest hobby is saving baby monkeys in Africa. Yes, apparently my daughter saves baby monkeys in her free time.

To be honest, I have no idea where she gets this from….SEE: MADE UP SHIT I TELL MY KID

 

We left the party shortly after. Addison was strapped in her car seat, happily munching on her 5 lbs of pinata candy. I felt now was the best time to confront her about her little “sister”.

Addison, why do you tell everyone you have a sister?” 

(Silence…..)

“Your teacher told me that you have a sister named Sarah. Not only that but Sarah cannot go in the sunshine or be around people.” 

“Well…I tell them she can’t be outside in the sun, it hurts her skin…And she is not allowed to be around other people because she bites…”

Good God, Sarah bites…

“Addison, why are you saying that? That is called lying.” 

“Yes. But they ask me about her and I cannot stop telling them. I cannot.”

“Ok, Please stop telling your school that you have a sister who lives in the basement because she bites people.”

The Family according to Addison

The Family according to Addison

Lovely vacation with Addison and Sarah

Apparently Sarah was on vacation with us!

Who knows how long these people at my daughter’s school actually believed that I have a rabid, blood sucking child locked in my basement at home. No wonder why I get weird looks when I pick her up from school.

Midgets Lift, Bro.

11 Jun

I recently found my motivation for going to the gym every single morning.

I….I….I….don’t even know how to say this the right way….

I have a real life midget at my gym.

A Midget works out in my gym.

In my place of fitness, we have a midget member…that lifts weights for real, not for entertainment.

I have a special fondness for midgets. Some people are scared of them, some people want to kick them but I can’t contain my excitement for the little people. In fact, I adore them.

This is how I envision my life:

olexsons

It’s a hard life living in a Big World.

When I first saw this little person it was on my way to the bathroom. I stopped dead in my tracks. For a moment I thought I was dreaming or that the circus was in town….but it turns out, we have a new member. And it’s the best thing since Frozen came out on DVD.

Let me ask you this, have you ever seen a midget leg-day? Have you ever seen a midget do pull-ups? Have you ever seen a midget do a dead lift?

Do Midgets even lift bro? Fuck yes they lift and I have gone to the gym 6 days in a row to watch it. That hasn’t happened since treadmills had TV’s installed.

I’m certain that this gym midget and me were destined to be friends. I have always wanted to be friends with a midget, it’s been a life dream. I have never known one personally and only have seen them in public places, like at the zoo. Actually every time I go to the zoo I see a midget…maybe there is a correlation?

However, I started to think about the possibilities of us becoming friends and I’m a bit worried as to how this whole friendship would play out.

Untitled-2

Me with a midget version of myself

Here are my concerns:

1. I can’t hide my excitement for midgets. When I talk to the midget at the gym, I sound like I can’t breathe. I also smile like a creepy child molester. I’m 73% sure she thinks I want to eat her.

2. I’m not sure how to greet her. This is a new kind of etiquette zone and I’m lost as to how to maneuver it. Do I bend down on the floor to say hi? Should hugging be avoided? If she hugged my leg would it be acceptable to pat her head?

3. We could never share clothes. The best I could do is offer her some hand-me downs from my 4 year old.

4. What if we decided to go out to a bar and there are no booths available? We would be forced to sit at the high top tables. I’m assuming she isn’t a trained ninja that can scale a wooden chair leg, so would I have to pick her up? That might be awkward.

5. Forget pedicures. Could you imagine a midget getting a pedicure? The spa I go to has some strict nail technicians; Le-Le would have none of that.

6. Taking walks. I like to be active with my friends and enjoy taking long walks…but 1 of my steps would be 4 of her steps. She would be tired in less than a mile and then I might have to carry her on my back. I could bring a stroller, I have an extra one but I have a strict safety policy on strollers and would insist she be strapped in.

I think a snuggie would solve most of these issues but I wouldn’t want to push this idea on her too fast.  We will just have to take things slow.

I tried googling, “How to be friends with a midget” but no credible advice columns came up. If anyone has been in this situation before please let me know what are the Do’s and Don’ts. My friend circle is small so I don’t want to mess this up without being properly educated.

So, how was your week?

 

When I'm Chelsea Handler status

I’m about to have a Chelsea Handler status

Conscious Uncoupling Causes The Disappearance of Flight 370

27 Mar

 I’m not promising any magic in this post today, just a random rant that struck my fancy because I spend entirely too much time on Facebook.

Have you ever read those trending topics on facebook?

Right hand side of the screen? Popular stories? I’ll wait a moment for you to find it….


facebook-trends-620x350

Ok well this week’s topics were the most asinine stories I have ever seen. I’d rather have scrolled through my newsfeed reading all the retarded status updates of gym losers posting selfies of their #AWESOME workouts. #HatersGunnaHate

In case you missed it, here are the trending topics on Facebook this week…

Hercules

Dwayne Johnson proves he is Hercules in this new trailer

hercules

Russell Crowe Meets Arnold Schwarzenegger

Can someone please tell “The Rock” to stop trying to make Dwayne Johnson happen! This man is having a serious identity crisis.

Did he really prove to be Hercules? Last time I checked he was a wrestler out of work, making movies terrible by starring in them.

America, when will we learn that ex-wrestlers/lifters/porn stars/ do not make good movie stars? Case in point: Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

Nick Cannon

Nick Cannon wears white face, sparks internet controversy.

nick_cannon_whiteface_instagram

Have you heard about this yet? White people are legit pissed.

Are they really that mad? Or are they just riding the “poor white people” wave they have waited so long for…FINALLY, a black guy does something us white people can publicly complain about. We can’t complain about their terrible grammar, music, bad behaviors or excessive breeding habits because that would be racist, but now, WHITE PEOPLE ARE FINALLY THE VICTIMS!

Yep, they have been waiting years for victim status. So in short, whiteys ain’t letting this shit go.

Let the man do some white face, it’s a compliment, not a diss.  Fuck people, stop being such ass hats.

Nick, welcome to world of being white…I think you nailed it, even the part where you married a cougar. Kudos.

 

National Football League

NFL will now penalize players for dunking over the goal post

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Ok…And…If this is “trending” topic-worthy there is no reason as to why the pimple on my ass shouldn’t be.

Plus, aren’t you supposed to dunk in football? No? Wrong sport?

Stupid…exactly my point.

 Flight 370

Debris found by Chinese Satellites 

O Jesus Christ, here we go again…the Chinese satellites found “debris” floating in the ocean…for the third time this week.

Is it me or does anyone else question why the rest of the world would think these Chinese satellite images are credible? Let’s not even discuss the fact that Chinese satellites are probably sold in Walmart, made by a group of unpaid children in a factory but I just don’t see debris in the picture.

Although if I squint my eyes hard enough looking at the images, similar to how the Chinese would look at it, then I do see plane debris. But then again I also see Godzilla in the left hand corner, so who knows.

Squint and See

Squint and See

The bigger mystery is, how do the Chinese see anything out of those eye-slits?

How? HOW CAN YOU SEE?

How? HOW CAN YOU SEE?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

Uncoupling

Here we are, just uncoupling

Here we are, just uncoupling

Spoiler alert: they split up.

It was an “amicable” breakup or what Gwyneth calls, “Conscious UnCoupling”

Please explain what Concious Uncoupling means. Do people use this term, “Conscious Uncoupling”? Is this a thing now? I can’t wait until the first turd starts using this phrase on Facebook.

Status update: Me and Chad decided to break up. #ConciousUncoupling

How does one “uncouple” themselves? Do you just decide, hey lets start to uncouple. I’ll bang some guys tonight, you bang some girls tomorrow and we can start this uncoupling process. We will do things in an uncouple way.

One benefit to this break up…Coldplay might actually decide to consciously uncouple themselves. Wouldn’t that bring joy to the masses. We can finally stop slitting our wrists listening to their depressing music.

North Korea

Kim Jong Un requires all North Korean Men to get haircuts…like his haircut

kim122way-b498fda00cd3d7f6b572743dc45202c69cf3947f-s6-c30

Attention men of North Korea, you are now ordered to cut your hair like a fat faced penis. Don’t feel too bad, you could be like us Americans who are now required to buy health insurance. Imagine the horror of that!

Although, it could be worse, he could be requesting that everyone get haircuts like his pal, Dennis Rodman.

Who would you rather look like? An asian version of Hitler or a black, green-haired pirate?

The choice is yours:

NK leader meets Dennis Rodman

 Jeff Gordon and Stephen Rhodes

Come out of the closet as a gay couple

I think the world is coming to an end. Jeff Gordon announces he is a gay man in a relationship with openly gay driver Stephen Rhodes.

jeff-gordon-and-stephen-rhodes-confirm-homosexual-relationship

 

No, wait, this is supposedly a hoax according to searches on Google…but it’s too late, this has already spread across the internet. Nobody knows its a rumor, especially a bunch of red-neck NASCAR fans. Unfortunately they are illiterate. All they saw was the picture of both men holding hands and went nuts. Some fans have already committed suicide from the news. In fact, I saw 4 less Gordon flags flying this morning.

FACT: NASCAR fans reportedly have been seen running into the northern state borders with guns screaming, “Kill all the liberals and the gays!”

FACT: I have lost faith in humanity.

 

Can’t wait to see what crap is trending on Facebook next week…until then!

 

 

 

A Little Of This…A Little Of That

6 Nov

It’s been almost a week since Halloween 2013 and I am still devoured by my utter disappointment.

What happened to Halloween? It has turned into the red-headed step sister of Thanksgiving and Christmas  the Holidays (that was for my Jew friends).

The decorations were weak and so were the amount of tricker- treaters. My street looked like a creepy ghost town and I live in a neighborhood with tons of children.

Here Kiddies, Kiddies, Kiddies

Here Kiddies, Kiddies, Kiddies

Apparently, it’s cool now to go trick-or-treating before 6pm? How convenient.

Who had this brilliant idea? Stay at home parents? NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH STAY AT HOME PARENTS!

At 3pm, all the working people are at work and therefore cannot give out candy. Plus kids with working parents get the shit end of the deal since they miss out on the early bird candy specials.

Nonetheless, my little monster trekked the neighborhood streets after 6pm like a bad-ass. She and the 4 teenagers, who were way too old to be trick-or-treating, walked that neighborhood like bosses.  She did pretty well considering she missed the 3pm Halloween rush. Definitely scored enough candy for me and my husband to chow down on for at least a couple of weekends.

Perks of putting your kids to work.

Perks of putting your kid to work.

Whatever, Halloween sucks now, but this video clip is so well worth it. We may have missed submitting this video to Jimmy Kimmel, but it’s a winner in my book. One day, my kid will thank me for videotaping all the mean pranks I pull on her…

Some Other highlights of the night…

20131105-114635.jpg

She was under the impression that her costume was “BatMan” and Joba the turtle, was her loyal side-kick. Kid’s got imagination.

Our other dog Levi, thoroughly enjoyed his costume

Our other dog Levi, thoroughly enjoyed his costume

Speaking of the kid, her latest pre-school rumor really did a number on my parenting reputation.  When I picked her up from daycare this week, she decided to let all the teachers at school know that she is expecting a sibling. Yes, she told her entire pre-school that she was going to be a big sister.

Imagine the look on my face when a rush of teachers came to congratulate me on my non-existent pregnancy.

On the ride home, I had no idea as to how I was supposed to properly handle this situation…I decided to just be honest with her.

Me:Why did you tell everyone your going to be a big sister?”

Addison: “well lily and Jackie are going to be big sisters, so I wanted to be one too.”

ME:Being a big sister is kind of overrated.

Right now, between me, dad and you, we are a family of first borns, “the cream of the crop”, if you will.  Bringing in a younger sibling would only lower our family status.. First-borns are truly the rulers of the world. Plus, having a younger sibling would mean sharing the T.V. and I know how much you love your T.V.”

Addison:NO! not the TV, that’s my TV. Nevermind, I don’t want to be a big sister.”

Controversy Avoided, That Girl Ryan Parenting, a success.

While we are on the subject of parenting success, I wanted to share my most recent visit to NYC this weekend; courtesy of my mom, Mama O.

Mama O. brought me and my “less-supreme-younger-sibling” to the city for some shopping. We went on a “Fashionista Tour” sponsored by The Elegant Tightwad, if your interested: Details HERE

Basically, this fashion tour guides you through the not so typical shopping experience around the East Village. The stores we visited were eccentric and unique to say the least. Each shop varied in range of clothing options and prices, but the overall experience was priceless. In one of the stores, a custom hat boutique, I uncovered a new found love for hats.

(Not just like, I am totally into hats, but more like,  I now have this weird obsession with hats.)

"Younger Sibling" I gave her permission to try this on.

My middle sister modeling off her favorite piece.

I wanted every single hat in that store but paying $300 for hat?

Pshhh, that’s why China-town was invented.

When I found a suitable hat in China-town, I also found the world’s best sales-man. This little Indian shop owner saw my interest in a particular hat and was pushing hard to sell it to me. Every second that I stayed silent, he came down on his price. It was a truly brilliant sales technique.

Eventually he threw in a second hat for the price of one and we had a deal.

One hat for me, one hat for Mama O.

I just fucking love hats.

I am available to model. Please contact me if interested.

I am available to model. Please contact me if interested.

Mama O. thought her hat was a great purchase as well. She insisted on wearing it like a Muslim Brotherhood Member.

Mama O. Being stylish

After the tour, we did some shopping of our own and came across some interesting characters…As often as I go to New York City, I am still fascinated by the weirdo’s I come across.

Like this homeless man selling marijuana kitchen accessories…

20131105-114746.jpg

Who needs Ikea after looking through these gems?

OR these Mormons singing about eternal damnation…

20131105-115010.jpg

And we can’t forget about the random vandalism that New Yorkers call, “ART”….

20131105-114956.jpg

Perfectly good Tea Plates glued to the wall.

OR this…

20131105-114708.jpg20131105-114728.jpg

And finally, the gay black man, dancing through the East village with his boombox…

His dance moves were ridiculous

His dance moves were ridiculous

I mean seriously, how can you not love this place?!!

So between my disgust with Halloween, my invisible pregnancy and my new hat; This week was pretty eventful.

Until next time my friends…

That Girl Ryan

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