I recently found my motivation for going to the gym every single morning.
I….I….I….don’t even know how to say this the right way….
I have a real life midget at my gym.
A Midget works out in my gym.
In my place of fitness, we have a midget member…that lifts weights for real, not for entertainment.
I have a special fondness for midgets. Some people are scared of them, some people want to kick them but I can’t contain my excitement for the little people. In fact, I adore them.
This is how I envision my life:
It’s a hard life living in a Big World.
When I first saw this little person it was on my way to the bathroom. I stopped dead in my tracks. For a moment I thought I was dreaming or that the circus was in town….but it turns out, we have a new member. And it’s the best thing since Frozen came out on DVD.
Let me ask you this, have you ever seen a midget leg-day? Have you ever seen a midget do pull-ups? Have you ever seen a midget do a dead lift?
Do Midgets even lift bro? Fuck yes they lift and I have gone to the gym 6 days in a row to watch it. That hasn’t happened since treadmills had TV’s installed.
I’m certain that this gym midget and me were destined to be friends. I have always wanted to be friends with a midget, it’s been a life dream. I have never known one personally and only have seen them in public places, like at the zoo. Actually every time I go to the zoo I see a midget…maybe there is a correlation?
However, I started to think about the possibilities of us becoming friends and I’m a bit worried as to how this whole friendship would play out.
Me with a midget version of myself
Here are my concerns:
1. I can’t hide my excitement for midgets. When I talk to the midget at the gym, I sound like I can’t breathe. I also smile like a creepy child molester. I’m 73% sure she thinks I want to eat her.
2. I’m not sure how to greet her. This is a new kind of etiquette zone and I’m lost as to how to maneuver it. Do I bend down on the floor to say hi? Should hugging be avoided? If she hugged my leg would it be acceptable to pat her head?
3. We could never share clothes. The best I could do is offer her some hand-me downs from my 4 year old.
4. What if we decided to go out to a bar and there are no booths available? We would be forced to sit at the high top tables. I’m assuming she isn’t a trained ninja that can scale a wooden chair leg, so would I have to pick her up? That might be awkward.
5. Forget pedicures. Could you imagine a midget getting a pedicure? The spa I go to has some strict nail technicians; Le-Le would have none of that.
6. Taking walks. I like to be active with my friends and enjoy taking long walks…but 1 of my steps would be 4 of her steps. She would be tired in less than a mile and then I might have to carry her on my back. I could bring a stroller, I have an extra one but I have a strict safety policy on strollers and would insist she be strapped in.
I think a snuggie would solve most of these issues but I wouldn’t want to push this idea on her too fast. We will just have to take things slow.
I tried googling, “How to be friends with a midget” but no credible advice columns came up. If anyone has been in this situation before please let me know what are the Do’s and Don’ts. My friend circle is small so I don’t want to mess this up without being properly educated.
So, how was your week?
I’m about to have a Chelsea Handler status
That Girl Ryan 