I Got 99 Problems and A Dick Ain’t One

12 Jun

This is a highly inappropriate blog post…I try really hard not to include too many raunchy and profane topics all in one sitting, but…. I really don’t care.

There comes a time in every girls life when she has a particular thought, a thought that I believe is very valid, but nonetheless a simple thought…

What would I do if I had a penis for a day?

Before you read on, you must ask yourself how your feeling about the penis at this very moment…if weenies are scary , you dislike them or are grossed out by the visual thought of them in anyway…Don’t read on.

If you’re like me and wish you had one in a non-lesbian/non-transgender way…by all means, have a BALL… or Two 🙂

I find the male part quite amusing probably because I don’t-nor will ever– have one.

Not only that, but men talk about their penises like they are the best thing since his- and -her lube!

Remember that song from Harold and Kumar? “My dick” by Mickey Avalon? In his song he sings this line: “We got Dicks like Jesus”.

Now who wouldn’t want a Dick like Jesus? Seriously, they should start changing those WWJD? shirts and instead put… I Got A Penis Like Jesus. Those shirts would sell out in a day. Catholics, Christians, Jews and hell-even the Mormons would buy it.


And If you don’t know who this guy is…shame on you

No wonder us gals are so curious, when do you hear the general female population raving about the greatness of the vagina?…and Alanis Morrissette doesn’t count.

So anyway, all this thought about the Main Vein, got me wondering…what if girl’s had penises? Obviously we would rule the world, that’s a given…Brain+Beauty+Balls…The possibilities would be endless really, but before we dive into that, let’s first explore why a woman wouldn’t want a penis…

Penis Problem #1: It’s incredibly ugly

There’s not much to say here…penises are just…blah. They slightly remind me of an elderly worm.

Wanna Play? EW

Wanna Play? EW

Penis Problem #2: It’s Deceiving

Romans do a great job of depicting this flaw…just look at the Statue of David. David is incredibly tall, muscular, sexy, curly hair… but has the tiniest penis ever. Now, to be fair, it doesn’t mean that David wasn’t packing some serious beef, but maybe David was a grower…not a show-er. Still,you will never know the truth.

Poor guy didn't have a chance to let the world know.

Poor guy didn’t have a chance to let the world know.

Penis Problem #3: size DOES matter

I love it when guys ask this question: Does size really matter to girls? YES. If you say differently, your a liar. In short…a guy can be the hot, and all around great, but he will never be datable if he’s got a French fry in his pants. For all my single ladies out there, how much does it suck when you go out with a guy on a few dates, spend all your time thinking about him, dreaming up fairy tale scenarios, only to find out when you sneak a peek, there is simply no future a-head.

Waste. Of. Time.

Damn Right

Damn Right

And there you have my ANTI-PENIS list.

Let’s explore the Positives-List.

Penis Pro #1- You Can Pee On Everything

I think males completely take this task for granted. Men can pee anywhere at anytime…out the window driving…in a bottle…on a wall…in the woods…off a bridge. My days of hovering over a toilet seat would be gone if I had a penis. Not only would I pee on all types of objects, but id definitely pee on annoying people. Screaming little children for example… If every kid was fearful of getting peed on at all times, you better believe they would shut up real quick.

I can see it now…


Penis Pro #2: Absolutely play this game…All Day…Everyday…

Penis Pro #3: Cock Slap

Is this a real thing? When someone says, “I going to cock slap you in the face” Can you actually cock-slap someone in the face? I’d like to embark on this mystery to find out for myself.

Penis Pro #4: Penis Shadow Puppets

Hand shadow puppets are fun, but Penis Shadow Puppets are better.

This could be very do-able

This could be very do-able

Penis Pro #5:New-Business Ventures

Why hasn’t anyone made a clothing line for ding-a-lings? I know it sounds crazy, but seriously we dress up animals, paint our nails, wear leg warmers, dress up our hair…it’s about time for a penis clothing line. I think I’d call it…Pocket Rocket & Co.

Penis Pro #6: Boners

Boners are so cool, they are even a little magical. You can just walk into a shoe store and BAM…Boner. Then like an hour later walk into a coffee shop, library, car wash and be like BAM, BAM, BAM…Boner! Seriously, this is the best…Popping boners.


And my conclusion…having a penis is more productive than having a vagina…There are just more things to accomplish. Ladies have got to start stepping it up on the kegels and making these types of talents happen for us.

But at least there is one truth that will always trump the male parts…a truth so superior, men don’t stand a chance.

There is Power in The Pussy…And don’t you ever forget it.


20 Responses to “I Got 99 Problems and A Dick Ain’t One”

  1. Alex June 12, 2013 at 12:27 pm #


    what an alright post You got here! The first thing that came to my mind that an ALIEN has somehow abducted Your vagina and it has found it so inspiring it wants You to attach a penis to Yourself. I mean, that has to be it?

    Anyway, not sure how this relates to making a new law, but ok. Dicks will do.

    • rynolexson June 12, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

      Interesting theory you have there, could be very accurate. How does it not relate to making a new law? I’m asking to change the rules of human biology…lets think outside the box…just for one daily post. Thanks for reading Alex, can’t wait to check out your blog.

      • Alex June 12, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

        It’s all smiles here! (:

  2. Deborah Chown June 12, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

    Ryan, Ryan, Ryan – I think you have way too much time on your hands – pun intended! How do you come up with these things? Again pun intended. You crazy girl but hysterical!

    • rynolexson June 12, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

      HAHA, love your puns. I do indeed have WAY too much time on my hands…it’s a luxury I’ve learned to take advantage of. Plus, we all know we have thought about having a penis once or TWICE…Pun intended.

  3. Michelle June 12, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    The real question is Ryan – would you switch being able to pee anywhere and everywhere with the ability to have multiple orgasms… 🙂 That’s the BIG question!

    • rynolexson June 12, 2013 at 2:34 pm #

      Michelle, you make a very valid point. I do not think I would I switch now that you bring it up. Va-Jays have very magical powers!!

  4. Iam Who Iam June 12, 2013 at 5:03 pm #

    Reblogged this on Iam Who Iam and commented:
    I chose “That Girl Ryan’s” post for my “Weekly Reblog” because it’s clever, funny and, for not having a dick, That Girl’s more ballsy than many who do! This one not only gets the clap, but a standing ovulation as well (hey . . . it passed spell-check, what more do you want???)

    • rynolexson June 12, 2013 at 5:08 pm #

      Haha love your intro, it’s very vag-tastic!

  5. Nick Van Zanten June 14, 2013 at 2:11 am #

    Portnoy Lives, God Bless Us!


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