Every Question You Ever Had About Sons of Anarchy

11 Dec

The Publicist and I are really big fans of the show, Sons of Anarchy. Not only is Charlie Hunnam ridiculously ravenous and we would love to squeeze his ever so present naked ass, but the show has everything you could want to keep you occupied; violence, drama and terrible acting.

Ever wonder why you keep watching this show? So do we. And even though Kurt Sutter does a great job of wrapping up the plots of each and every season, we still have very valid questions; questions that keep us glued to this overly-dramatic, overly-corny FX series….

1. How does Jax keep his white, (UN-stylish) shoes so clean?

JaxShoesFor a man who works in a body shop, drives a motorcycle and kills at least 3 people an episode…HOW are his shoes ALWAYS white?

What shoe cleaner does he use? Where can we get some?

2. Does Jax ever wash his hair?

meoi63-b781035602z.120121207125051000gv81bhsts.1

It’s always greasy…like really freaking greasy.

3. Why are we so in love with Nero?

Sons-of-Anarchy-Season-6-Episode-5-The-Mad-King-7

He is a Mexican gangster with some shady friends, runs a prostitution ring and dates Gemma, but we freaking love him!

4. Do Jax and Tara ever have sex?

Jax-Tara-sons-of-anarchy-17768062-1280-720

They probably didn’t even do it in this episode either!

No wonder Tara is wound up so tight, the girl needs a one-way ticket to pound-town.

5. Is it us or is Gemma getting sexier?

Season 1

Season 1

VS.

10431705-large

season 6

Chest scar, terrible hair dye and wrinkly skin…Gemma went from a 6 in season 1, to a 10 in season 6.

6. Seriously though guys, does Jax ever take a shower?

Screen-Shot-2013-10-23-at-1.54.58-PM-300x200

7. What was with D.A Patterson taking off her wig and saying, “Time to go hood sister“. That was some ghetto shit.

cchsurhzThank god she got rid of that wig, it was hideous.

8. When is Uncer going to die?

uncerIs that mean? But seriously, he got so creepy.

9. Why do they say, “Jesus Christ” so much?

download Jesus Christ, chill out SAMCRO.

10. Fun fact: Did you know the writer of the show plays Otto?  So why did he want his character to get raped in the first episode? What’s that about?

kurt-sutter-sons-of-anarchy-thumb-350xauto-33671Weird.

11. Will Bobby ever find love?

sons-of-anarchy-mark-boone-juniorThat belly, that beard, that heavy breathing…the real question is… how is Bobby still single?

12. What does Tara actually do? Didn’t she get fired?

c005b6e3-7f1c-425f-aced-e8f6375e887e_SoA_607_Sweet_Vaded_0524Just go on unemployment…Jesus Christ.

13. Does Teller-Morrow Auto body really make any money?

IMG_7107That be last place in Charming I’d take my car for a tune-up.

14. What is the deal with Ron Pearlman’s head? It’s not normal!

Ron’s head vs. Normal Sized head

Not Human

Wait, is he even human?

I think not.

I think not.

Seriously, his head is becoming a distraction

Hey, wait, I googled “Ron Pearlman’s head” and found this…

Ron-Perlman-in-Beauty-and-the-Beast

Ron Pearlman played this character in the 80’s version of The Beauty and The Beast…I think Big-Headed Ronnie is trying to tell us something…

The missing link

The missing link

15. Remember when Nero gave Gemma two cockatoo birds? And she named them after his dead sister, Carla? When did the Cockatoos turn into crows? And what is with the birds!?

Snap7

Other people notice it too!

16. What’s the point of Wendy (Abel’s Mom)? Why did they name her Wendy? Can’t they just leave Wendy alone?

download (1)Stop trying to make Wendy happen!

17. Will Jax get Thomas’s name tattooed on his right boob?

6a00d8341cf11753ef0120a5f00a8e970c-800wi

Dirty or recently showered, I can’t tell.

18. If Juice is half black, why does he have those TERRIBLE  tribal tattoo’s on the side of his head?

Is that a black-thing?

sons-of-anarchy-hands-juice-eliJuices_head_tattoo

19. Why do they have a Chinese Mafia in Sons of Anarchy? Are they even that intimidating? Is that even a real thing? Screen-Shot-2013-11-13-at-10.21.19-AM

21. Is it weird to want the Sons of Anarchy vest for Christmas?

Because we really want one… SOAvest 23. Why does everyone in Sons of Anarchy have terrible Hair?!

Ew. Ew. Ew. Bald.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Bald.

25. How does Jax make all these brilliant negotiations with law-enforcement?

I'll deliver the Irish for immunity

I’ll deliver the Irish for immunity

Shit, we have boobs and STILL can’t get out of speeding tickets

26. Does anyone REALLY want to be an Old Lady?

tumblr_lsxttkiL7o1qa82d1o8_r2_250

tumblr_lsxttkiL7o1qa82d1o9_r2_250Ripping someone’s tits off? That sounds like way too much work.

27. Why is the weather in Charming always nice? Never too hot, never too cold.

The sun suits him well.

The sun suits him well.

28. Why do they insist on always putting some cheesy reflection rock song at the end of each episode?

6a00d83451d69069e201157191d73c970b

29. Does anyone else think that Piney was totally an unnecessary character? Besides being one of the “Originals”…what did he do besides carry his oxygen tank around?

William-Lucking

30. Why do the character’s still have flip-phones? Isn’t it time for a Smart-Phone upgrade?

SOA-Jax-6x10Maybe they could prevent SAMCRO problems with some reliable, working cell-phones.

31. Who do you think will be the new Tara?

A. Wendy the Junkie

Shes a beauty

Shes a beauty

B. The secret “Old Lady”, Margaret Murphy

Sons of Anarchy 2x08 Potlatch

C. Wayne- unless of course he finally dies

Unser_2012_Promo

32. Now I know this season finale stabbed you in the heart or should I say, in the back of the head…Was that too soon? But if you watched last night’s episode, you are DEFINITELY asking yourself these two questions:

WHY, KURT, WHY?

Z6n0QIu

AND

What the hell is going to happen next season?

SOAquestion

Jesus Christ, just relax Brotha!

SAMCRO will be sure to return with corny rock songs, terrible acting and a scheming plot you can’t resist.

Men of Mayhem Lovers,

That Girl Ryan & The Publicist

momrd

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15 Responses to “Every Question You Ever Had About Sons of Anarchy”

  1. donofalltrades December 11, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

    So I guess I “liked” this out of habit because I’ve never seen a single second of this show that I’m aware and can’t believe I read the entire post even. I guess I was hoping that you and publicist would throw in a home movie where you reenact how you wanted last night’s episode to end. Silly me.

    • rynolexson December 11, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

      Well #1. Watch this shit now, its so awesome.
      #2. I gave you a custom photoshop picture.

      I told you that videos require endless amounts of time and work. We have a video coming up soon, just gotta make some time to shoot it. don’t you worry, video debut is coming up.

      • donofalltrades December 11, 2013 at 4:32 pm #

        Lol. Ok. Assuming you don’t lose me in the meantime with more posts about stuff that old men don’t understand. Geez.

        I have at least heard of this show. Somebody else was talking about Breaking Bad and my eyes glossed over pretty quickly. I’m not a big fan of tv shows I guess.

      • rynolexson December 11, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

        Well, you should be. TV shows rule my life and lives of my people. and by people I mean me, Boy Ryan and my one friend-the Publicist.

        BTW-i sent you an email with a stellar idea.

  2. arlee April 11, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

    you are too funny, keep it up!

  3. Eunice May 17, 2014 at 6:42 pm #

    Every single time someone says “Jesus Christ” i just can’t help but giggle…

    • rynolexson May 17, 2014 at 7:13 pm #

      It will never mean the same ever again!

  4. Titus June 16, 2014 at 4:33 am #

    Good list. My only real annoyance with the show is how they say Jesus Christ and “Shit” SOOO much. Seriously the writer needs to expand his vocabulary.

    Theres also two of your questions easily answered.

    19. Its called the Triad, and/or Yakuza

    27. Is because Central CA IS always sunny and nice. Warm during the day, cool at night. Only rains a few days a year, and is only “too hot” a few days of the summer. Though if youve ever lived on the east coast or the south you would hardly think CA is hot.

    • rynolexson June 25, 2014 at 2:41 pm #

      Yes, agreed…throwing in some new vocabulary would be a good idea for the writer. LOL

      HA! i love that you answered two my questions, thanks for that 🙂

  5. Steve June 18, 2014 at 3:05 am #

    It seems like you dont grasp what is happening in the show, or don’t understand the storyline. Seems like you are a fan, but a lot of stuff goes over your head. I disagree with most of your thoughts. SOA is some of the best drama on TV ever, without a doubt. Sutter is just brilliant.

    • rynolexson June 25, 2014 at 2:42 pm #

      Hey, I love SOA! But you have to agree that some of the story lines/acting and writing could be tightened up just a tad… 🙂

      At least we agree that Sutter is an awesome guy.

  6. Brynn July 23, 2014 at 6:17 am #

    Jax has “Thomas” tattooed on the under side of his left arm… In reference to #17

    • rynolexson July 23, 2014 at 1:10 pm #

      I missed that tat! Thanks, now we know he loves both of his kids 🙂

  7. just me November 7, 2014 at 6:46 pm #

    I always try to find the most awesome Jesus Christ in each episode. The best one to date was said by Bobby in season 2. Right after Tig admitted to Opie that he shot Donna. I swear it’s the best one. Also, Gemma whispers so much!!! Speak up lady.

    • rynolexson November 7, 2014 at 9:30 pm #

      We could have a study group off this show and all that they do. Plus its wierd such a firecracker like gemma would whisper

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