Archive | March, 2013

Wax On….Wax Off

27 Mar


It’s Spring Time! A time for the sun to warm the earth, a time for a new and bright wardrobe, a time for the plans of summer to begin….but really, Spring time is a time for your post-winter bikini wax.

Similar to my thoughts about getting massages; bikini waxes are bizarre in theory. Removing hair from your nether region is a social fucking phenomenon.

I cringe just looking at this

I cringe just looking at this

I didn’t get my first waxing until 4 summers ago…you know why? My mom always said to me, “Your hair is meant to be there, if it wasn’t, god would make it hairless”

Besides that odd explanation, we now all know who isn’t a fan of rocking the Bald Eagle…if you know what I mean.

So, I made my appointment at the waxing center and walked in with hesitation…

“Welcome Ryan, Linda, your wax-er will be right out…you’re getting the bikini and eyebrow wax correct?” As cheery as possible.


That’s right lady… I’m here to rip the hair follicles out from my face and vag

“ok great have a seat”

You know what really jerks my chains, why the receptionist is so cheery about the whole thing. What is so pleasant about getting a wax? Nobody WANTS to be here, but when you walk-in, the receptionist acts like a greeter for an all inclusive resort in the Caribbean. To top it off, she always want to schedule your next appointment BEFORE you get wax-tortured. Probably because by the time you come back you won’t remember that you screamed the F-word 5 times and that you couldn’t walk for days after. Clever.

My waxer, Linda, appears and summons me back to the room. Here goes nothing…

Frida needs to be introduced to Linda the Waxer

Frida needs to be introduced to Linda the Waxer

“So, I see this is your first wax this season; ill make sure to take it slow’”O great, how embarrassing. Linda, the bikini wax-er clearly can tell I haven’t been here in a while…“So what are we doing today? Bikini, Brazilian, Bleaching?”

“Did you say bleaching? Like bleaching my pubs?”

“No, silly your asshole. Bleaching your butthole”

Put your money where the bleach is.

Put your money where the bleach is.

I’m sorry, I thought she said I can bleach my ass hole…I have many questions….

Does my asshole need to be bleached? It is obvious that its darker? Doesn’t bleaching make everything whiter? Being a white person, doesn’t that automatically guarantee a white hole? Would they offer bleaching to me if I was black? How would that work? Do I have a choice of bleaching with a certain color; like choosing highlights or low-lights?

Look, I admit, I haven’t looked down there since the age of 4 during my “Discovery phase”, I don’t even know what it looks like. But on that note, if I did bleach, who would see it? maybe it’s like getting a tattoo on your back. You never see it, you just know it’s there.

Seriously, what women in their right mind would invent this degrading procedure? I just can’t imagine a woman waking up one day and saying, “Wow, my asshole looks terrible in these jeans…I should bleach it”.

This whole concept is complete over-load for my brain right now.

“Um, yea ill pass on the ass bleaching for today, thanks”

Frog Stance...this is pretty accurate

Frog Stance…this is pretty accurate

“Ok, so well just stick with a full bikini wax then. Put your heels together and relax your legs like a frog…just relax.

Well, Linda, you don’t fuck around, girl-Get right to it.

Relax? No problem, I usually lay flat with my heels pressed together showing complete strangers a full frontal view of my Pickachu.

As Linda turns to retrieve the wax and make me balder than a babies ass…I started to think…

Are you there Bikini Hair? It’s me, Girl Ryan…

“Ready? Here we go!!”….Rip

Look, I’m real sorry about all this…it’s been a great winter…can’t thank you enough for the time that the power went out for 3 weeks or when I went skiing with only one pair of pants on. You probably prevented me from getting hypothermia.


But summer is on the way…and this is just how it has to be…especially if I want to start taking that Pilates class with shorts on. Can’t be the only one at the gym with long-spandex all summer.


Plus I might want to go the beach and play some volleyball…yea…I know I don’t play volleyball, but still, I can if I want to.


You know things just aren’t the same since the summer of 2004…Remember that wave at the beach that knocked me over and took my bathing suit top and bottoms? Yeaaaa… I can deal with flashing my bare A cups… but you, bikini hair…that’s an embarrassment I can’t afford again.

Rip… Rip

Hush, Hush, don’t cry, it will all be over soon.


“Ok, Ryan, now we should probably get the “inner section.” Looking now, this shouldn’t be too difficult to do, your inner’s are very… accessible.”

I have to admit, I haven’t heard someone say that since college and I sure didn’t expect to hear it from my wax-er. And what the hell does that mean my inner’s are accessible? Like its open? Just flying around in the wind?

I suddenly remembered a story I heard last week about this girl who had a sloppy vagina. Obviously, it’s a male’s way of referencing a girl’s parts, basically calling them ugly and mis-moshed. I guess its like a female calling a guy’s area a “Micro-penis”. Though I have never seen one personally, I know what a micro-penis looks like, I googled it. But I have no idea what the fuck a sloppy V would look like.

I quickly took out my phone and did the only thing I could think of at that moment.

Text Message Girl Ryan: DO I HAVE SLOPPY VAG?

Text Message Boy Ryan: ?????

Text Message Girl Ryan: Don’t fuck around, I’m getting waxed at this moment and need to know!

Text Message Boy Ryan: What’s a sloppy vagina? Is that like having Roast Beef Vag?

(Roast Beef vagina: I would define this, but I think you get it)

And no, You have a beautiful vagina.

Text Message Girl Ryan: Ok, if you say so…ttyl

For Life's Biggest Questions

For Life’s Biggest Questions

Ok, I should know by now not to ask my husband questions like this. It’s like asking him if I look fat wearing a hippo costume…he would never tell me the truth.

So, I decided to ask Google what it looks like and never will again….the related searches were composed of the following:
“How do you get sloppy vag?…Is it contagious?…What does it look like?”

Shit I guess this is a common thing. One Medical website even said that 3 out of 8 women have a Sloppy V. Maybe I need to get a professional opinion…Yes…next time when I’m there, I’m going to ask my doctor if I have an ugly vagina.

“Ok, Ryan. Your all done. Here’s a mirror to see if I missed any spots.”

She hands me a hand-held mirror…Seriously? What the hell am I suppose to do with this?!?”

Mirror, Mirror in my hand…who has the prettiest vagina in all the land?

Yes, Mirror, tell me who has the fairest one of all?

Yes, Mirror, tell me who has the fairest one of all?

“That’s OK, I’m sure it looks great…I trust your waxing skills, Linda.”

I quickly scoot out of the wax center-on-fire– and ease into my car. Honestly, all I wanted to do at that moment was go home and dance naked in front of the mirror; you know… check out my new “do”.

But instead, I decided to head over to my mom’s house for dinner. This situation has traumatized me enough for one day and cooking my own dinner tonight was just out of the question.

I opened the door and hear music playing in the living room: Girl on Fire, by Alicia Keys…This girl is on fire…She’s walking Her bikini line is on fire… how appropriate…exactly what I’m feeling right now.

Suddenly, I’m greeted by my mom: “Hey, rye, hungry? I just picked up some Sloppy Joe’s and Roast beef sandwiches for dinner…”

UGH, Fuck my Life.


The Most Interesting 3 year old In The World

16 Mar

Daily Prompt:
You’ve been asked to do a five-minute presentation to a group of young schoolchildren on the topic of your choice

Hello children,
I would like to introduce you to the most interesting 3 year old in the world.

Here are some of her accomplishments.










You should all strive to be like this kid. Now go on to do amazing things.


Always BE Closing

13 Mar
Beware The Heels

Beware The Heels

Dear fellow sales account executives in the world…I have a killer story to tell you.

So yesterday, I definitely had a classic one night stand. I didn’t even bother to call him back after I left.

That is usually how these things start.

I went to the location of a business man…a rich business man. When I showed up I simply handed him my contract and a list of my services.

Without hesitation, he told me what he wanted and how he wanted it.

It was fast, easy and painless.

He even paid me upfront, I didn’t have to even ask for money.

I left out of breath and was completely unsatisfied. It was too easy, I wanted a chase but I took what I could get.

I just closed a sales deal.

I never wanted to start my career in sales, I just couldn’t see myself being any good at it. Usually successful sales people are aggressive, persistent and have no problem asking for your money.

Call me a bad democrat, but I hate asking for money.

Like any recent college grad, sales seemed to be the only fast-track option into the workforce that didn’t require entry-level bitch work.

Entry Level=Coffee Boy

Entry Level=Coffee Boy

One little aspect you must know about sales is that your fellow co-workers will always share their advice on how to be successful, whether you want to hear it or not.

“Sales is like getting a PHD in People. The more you know about them, the more you sell. So you should probably stalk them on Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin”


“The best sales people are actually the best listeners. If you listen more than talk, you will be successful. Because if you continue to talk and talk talk, then nobody will listen because nobody cares…blah blah blah blah blah”-(This advice came from a recently fired employee due to his excessive talking)


“Sales is a bunch of bullshit + Smiling + more bullshit…you will be fine if you do the following”

Alec Baldwin Said It Best

Alec Baldwin Said It Best

As I listened to all the advice offered to me, I realized that most of these quotes never captured the essence of what being in sales is really like.

So I’ve decided that one day when it’s my turn to give the advice, I will say:

“Sales is just like being a white collared prostitute.”

If you can’t make the connection hear me out…

  1. Prostitutes have Pimps….Sales people have Sales managers…Both expect you to be out all day meeting with clients, and return with money. We may not get beaten or stalked, but we sure are held accountable for our quotas.
  2. Just like Prostitutes….sales people meet with their clients, figure out their needs and promise to fulfill them with their services.
  3. The better looking you are, the more money you will make.
  4. Sometimes you do and say things you would never normally would do, in order to close a deal. There are moments you go to Low places in order to do business. Like discount your prices.
  5. In order to be a successful salesperson, you got to recognize when your client is D-T-F, Down to Finance.
  6. Sales people make booty calls, we just call it “Cold Calls”
  7. We walk the streets, only we do it during the day and hit more clients in a shorter amount of time.
  8. Prostitutes get perks, but so do sales people. It may not be jewelry, fur coats or expensive dinners, but we get discounts, tickets and weekend outings.
  9. We too, are only doing this gig to pay our way through college and pay off our student loans…
  10. This industry is known for human trafficking…once you’re in sales, you can’t get out, you just move from company to company.
  11. You make every customer feel that they are special and important even if they are smelly and hairy
  12. Every now and again, we have a “Pretty Woman” Story. Sales executive gets rescued by one of their clients and leaves the business to live a wonder life in marketing
  13. Your clients pay your bills.
  14. If sales is like being a hooker, then customer service is like being a sex slave; Nobody wants to make that lateral move.

Ok, so point made.

Eventually, you stop being a hooker to your clients and your relationship begins to progress into something more…especially when you find out they got more money in their budgets than you were aware of. Now, you are in dating mode and will do anything to show them you are ready to be a committed sales girlfriend.

Typically, I use all my office resources to impress my client, show them how wonderful I can be.

Eventually if your dating goes well, your client will decide to sign a contract and make you their sales wife.

Sign my contract and marry me.

Sign my contract and marry me.

There is nothing better than receiving an email from your client that says, “Attached is the signed contract”

And all you can think is: Yes, I DO! I will be your sales wife!

The joy is overwhelming; this going to be the best sales relationship ever.

Now that you’re a newlywed sales wife, life is great. You treat them with respect, you take them out to lunch on “Sales dates” and everything is peachy.

But sometimes, the honeymoon comes to an end and the abuse begins…They call you non-stop… wondering where you are…why you haven’t called them…accuse you of not giving them enough attention….telling you how much you suck.

Nothing is good enough.

Walking away isn’t an option; your married now. You have to deal with them because, they are financing your life and feeding your children- And you don’t want to starve the children.

And if you can’t find a way to turn the marriage around, they usually file for divorce and discontinue the contract. Never underestimate a client, they can take you for everything your worth; your commission, your perks; YOUR DIGNITY.


You start to think, “what could I have done differently? Maybe I should have been more attentive as a sales wife or took them on more sales dates. How did it get to this?”

I even had one client divorce me because of another woman…another sales wife.

“Ryan, we decided to give our business a new and fresh approach…by signing with your biggest competitor.”

When this happened, I didn’t know what to say…but these lyrics from Bruno Mars came to mind:

I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my work-hours
When I had the chance
Now my baby’s client’s dancing
But my baby’s client’s dancing with another sales-man.

Sales Love hurts.

To all my non-sales readers, if you can take one thing from this post take this:

Before you hang up on that telemarketer or slam the door in someones face, remember that we have feelings and we don’t like to ask for money. We just want to be your hooker.

Happy Selling !!!

PS-if you like my blog…please sign up at the bottom of this post in the “Follow This Blog” box!! After all, i’m trying to sell this shit.

This blog was inspired by Cold Call Me Maybe I highly recommend you check it out!

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