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Resume Rules

9 May

sample res

In honor of the recent college grads out there, I wanted to formally welcome you to the real world and let you in on some trade life secrets.

IT SUCKS! you should of stayed in your college bubble and procrastinated on finishing school.

Well too late for regrets, you have no choice but to move forward and find a real job, unless your a super genius and can start a billion dollar .com company which in any case you wouldn’t be reading this particular blog because its for sub-genius individuals like myself.

Now that we got that out of the way, back to you recent grads, you have to get your resume written, like yesterday.

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Every time I sit down to update my resume, I have a moment when i feel utter hatred for the person who created them. This person should clearly die and if they are already dead, someone needs to go vomit on their grave. Resumes are nothing but a bunch of bullshit written on paper. I can spend hours upon hours thinking of ways to impress a recruiter, but chances are they only look at my masterpiece for, what? 60 seconds…really?

Sometimes, I even turn to the “All knowing Machine” for some pointers. GOOGLE SEARCH: How to write a good resume

RESULTS:

“Ten things recruiters HATE about resumes”

“The rules of resume writing”

“How to create the perfect resume”

So many rules, and half of them all contradict each other….

Don’t put your full name/Don’t make the resume more than 2 pages/ Don’t leave any employment gaps/Don’t breathe on your paper/Don’t let the resume see any sunlight….Jesus Christ how does anyone know what to do with this shit.

I mean this crap is just getting ridiculous. Whats so hard about a job-you get to work by 9am and leave at 5pm. Does this document really need to be the be-all, end-all to my life?

stress

I’ve eaten my laptop on numerous occasions

There’s going to be a rebellion one day and it isn’t going to be about the economy or gun laws, its going to be about these fucking resumes. Guess what super-powerful recruiters, we hate your resume rules.

I even nominated myself to start a list of the most idiotic resume rules I’ve seen…

1. Always use proper grammar and spell check

No shit Sherlock. Who knowingly sends in a resume full of spelling and grammar mistakes? Don’t we all know that by now? Microsoft Word- spell checker clearly F*up.

2. Do not use “UN-professional” email addresses in your resume

Hmm, now this is an objective question. What is UN-professional? Honestly, more people should be hired because of their email addresses. You can tell a lot about a person’s email address…good and bad…

FromBrittanytoBrian@gmail.com ….This could be a transgender individual…Easy way to fill a gender quota…

ChunkyMonkey@yahoo.com…This could be a fat person that might eat all the food from the shared office refrigerator…

MyFunIsXRated@me.com…This could be the CEO’s new secretary…Rumor has it he hasn’t been laid in years and could use a little loosening up

3. Use “ACTION” words in your resume

Basically this is saying, make your job sound more exciting and important than it really is. Example:

Real Position

Secretary

Filing papers, making copies for the sales team,

coffee runs and take notes in executive meetings

Resume Position

Administrative Manager

Manage and maintain new and existing documents in system database. Develop and create company marketing, sales and administrative materials. Participate with senior management members on various corporate projects.

BAM…SUPERSTAR!

superstar-molly-shannon-single-parent

You know those people at work where you think, “Who the fuck hired this douche-bag?” These are the people who look good on paper. What does this teach us? Just because you look good on paper doesn’t mean your not a pain in the ass.

What’s an Honesty Resume? Its a document full of total, utter truth. Right to the point and cuts through the fluff.

I’ve made a quick one to show you hows its done.

Benefits of Objectives and Disclaimers: Writing an objective should not be about your clever industry “Buzz” words. No one really believes your motivated and innovative.  The disclaimers and fine print items are also right there in the open. Your not hiding, your just putting your expectations up front. It’s kind of like mentioning on a first date that you don’t want kids.

res1

Benefits of Education and Experience: Education is a yes or no question, not an explanation. So if you almost flunked out, doesn’t matter, you still got that paper hanging on your wall.

res2

Benefits of Skills and Achievements: This is the worst part of the entire resume, you can count EVERYTHING…take an hour tutorial on Photoshop? Check, Skill. Dabbled in photography for a month? Check, skill. Read a book on computer coding? Check, skill.

Put what you know your good at. Leave it up to the recruiter to translate how these skills correlate to your job…

res3

I find these all very valid in the work place

And then, finish it off with an honest cover letter…

Dear Recruiter,

I clearly fucking rock and am qualified for this position. Call me when you can get over the awesomeness of my life. I am more than happy to give you references. They are three-four people who think I’m the shit and will tell you the same.

Yes, I will consider coming in for a formal interview.

Your Welcome.

That Girl Ryan

Well, one day when pigs fly, we will be writing honesty resumes that reflect our individuality instead of cookie-cutter qualifications.

But until that day arrives, bull-shit away my friends.

Keep Dreaming

Keep Dreaming

*Don’t forget to tune in this weekend for my Mother’s Day SPECIAL post.

You know you wanna read about my mama 🙂

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