Southern Boy Living In a Northern World

24 Jan
I love that I have cleavage in this picture

I love that I have cleavage in this picture

I did the one thing I told myself I would never do, I married a southern boy. I also told myself I’d never get knocked up before marriage, but I did that too…by a southern boy who I said I would never marry. Go Figure.

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Only the southerns drink beer while feeding their children

I’m not sure why, but I just really have this disliking for southern folk. I was born in Virginia but moved up north at the age of 13. Maybe I was brainwashed but I fully embraced the northern way as my way of life. Even on my first day of school in the north, I knew I would love it here.

Me: “Hi I’m Ryan, the new girl. Can I sit with you at lunch?”

Northern Girl: “No, and don’t ever fucking ask me again. You’re too blonde and too nice, you won’t last a day in this part of town.”

It was love at first curse, I immediately knew northerners were my kind of people. I dropped that southern accent faster than you could say “CAWWFEE”.

When I met my husband in college and learned first hand how southerns really work, I despised them…and all of their traditional ways. Let’s break it down, southerners like to get married before the age of 28 and have at least 2.5 children before the age of 32. They buy houses with a lot of land and white picket fences and wear riding boots with scarves. Plus, they all dye their hair blonde which is offensive to us natural blondes. Of course I was married with a child before the age of 28 but I don’t count that because I’m not a fan of riding boots with scarves, white picket fences or fake blonde hair.

So when my husband decided to move to New Jersey and live in my world, he found out rather quickly what he was getting himself into; a cesspool of non-traditional thinking…

Thoughts from a northern-southern marriage

1. Cooking is the job of __________.

Boy Ryan (S): Women should be cooking most nights of the week. The only exception is during the summer, then it is a man’s duty to cook on the grill

Girl Ryan (N): Fact: most female serial killers, kill their victims by poisoning the victim’s food…Men should cook just as much as women to ensure they are not being poisoned

2. Decision Maker

Boy Ryan (S): Men should be the ones to make majority of family decisions

Girl Ryan (N): Men never should make decisions. If they do, the idea came from the woman

3. Children

Boy Ryan (S): Your twenties are for birthing children

Girl Ryan (N): Your twenties are for drinking, sleeping and doing stupid things

4. Marriage arguments

Boy Ryan (S): Couples should have calm, quiet discussions behind closed doors

Girl Ryan (N): The more tears, the more screaming, the better

5.Cursing

Boy Ryan (S): You should never curse in public

Girl Ryan (N): Fuck that shit

6. Working

Boy Ryan (S): Woman should be at home raising children while men go to work

Girl Ryan (N): Women should work so they don’t strangle their children

7. In-laws

Boy Ryan (S): I hate my in-laws

Girl Ryan (N): I hate my in-laws

8. Parenting

Boy Ryan (S): Parents should always be an example for children

Girl Ryan (N): Parents should sometimes be an example for children, but sometimes be just as annoying

9. Quotes to live by

Boy Ryan (S): Life is a journey so work hard and be respected

Girl Ryan (N): Life is short, so fuck it

10. Personal life

Boy Ryan (S): Personal life is private, never share the details of marriage or life with anyone

Girl Ryan (N): Umm…why do you think I started this blog…exploit it all!

Since the beginning of time, the North and South have been at odds. I find it only appropriate that I, a loud anti-southerner would marry a real, traditional southern boy. It’s like my destiny to learn to work with these annoying people. Even though my husband is traditional at heart, he has a wild streak that keeps him sane. I don’t know how we do it,  but we make it work. Our differences in tradition make us That Boy Ryan and That Girl Ryan.

So to you traditional southerners, take your white picket fences and shove it, we all know who’s the better breed of humans.

New York City

New York City

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic
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19 Responses to “Southern Boy Living In a Northern World”

  1. donofalltrades January 24, 2014 at 4:24 pm #

    Hahaha, other than the part where That Boy Ryan is drinking Coors fucking Light, I love it! I have to say that I would run to the South before the north any old day. Especially the NY/New Jersey area. What a clusterfuck of pricks that must be! Lol. Sweet tea and fake blondes? Yes please!

    • rynolexson January 24, 2014 at 4:30 pm #

      Yes it be heaven for you don. Occasionally you might even find the lonely housewife looking for a lawn boy to mow their yard… if you catch my flow…ok not really but it sounded good.

  2. jasteck January 25, 2014 at 1:48 am #

    Haha! Isn’t reality so different than how we think things will end up? That’s why life is such a great unexpected adventure.

    • rynolexson January 25, 2014 at 2:03 am #

      It amazes me how different things turn out! One minute you have a plan and the next, it all goes down the drain! Lol Yes, couldn’t agree more. And it always turns out for the best 🙂

      thanks so much for stopping by and reading!

  3. Lisa Forever Five Blog January 25, 2014 at 2:16 am #

    You are adorable, Ryan! Your wedding picture is beautiful and your hubby feeding himself and Baby …that’s actually in his favor if you’re keeping score. I was born and bred in a southern town by a Northern family. don’t even get me started on my identity crises. There is a lot to be reckoned with when blending the cultures. Hilarious post!

    • rynolexson January 25, 2014 at 2:28 am #

      Thanks 🙂 yes he has mastered the feedings, true talent.

      Well I don’t feel so alone! I miss the south a tad, but was raised by northern parents as well so I finally feel at home, New Jersey trash and all.

  4. Jen January 25, 2014 at 5:16 am #

    LOL I am so glad I have gotten to know you through these posts! You are freaking hilarious! I love the picture of your husband feeding the boy. I have one of my husband laying in bed with my son and all of the cousins, watching TV he’s drinking a Coors Light and they all have sippy cups in their mouths it’s priceless!

    • rynolexson January 25, 2014 at 3:24 pm #

      Lol thank you.

      As boyish as she may look in the picture, believe it or not but that is my daughter…the hideous redskins outfit throws ppl off.

      There is nothing like encouraging the young ones to start early with Coors Light, it’s a manly mans beer.

  5. Stephanie Sprenger January 25, 2014 at 7:04 pm #

    Oh my God, I loved every single thing about this post! How have I never read your blog before? This is hilarious, especially the poisoning part and the cursing. And for the record, I’m with you! 🙂

    • rynolexson January 25, 2014 at 7:19 pm #

      Thanks! I’m glad you found it. There is always some kind of nonsense going on at this blog 🙂

  6. Dana January 25, 2014 at 7:23 pm #

    You’re my kind of gal, Ryan. I’m from Maryland, which is a weird state because parts of it are southern and parts are northern. But both of my parents are New Yorkers, and I consider myself a northerner – especially after reading this post. That and the fact that I would never drink a Coors Light 😉

    • rynolexson January 25, 2014 at 9:31 pm #

      Maryland is indeed an odd place. You find normal people and what I call, back country people…they drink Coors light.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  7. findingninee January 25, 2014 at 8:11 pm #

    HAHA That Girl Ryan, this is awesome. I’m from Colorado and married a boy from Tenn-ahhh-sayyy. His family is full of rednecks. And fake blondes. I feel ya. I feel ya big on this one, woman. Still laughing my ass off. Awesome post. I especially love that your southern hubs is able to multi-task his drinking while getting the kid fed. True talent there.

    • rynolexson January 25, 2014 at 9:34 pm #

      O man, that’s a true southern boy! You probably have it worse than I do. The rednecks tend to grow on us civilized people I guess.

      Yes, his one skill is the double feedings. It comes in handy from time to time.

  8. bensbitterblog January 27, 2014 at 7:30 am #

    I have no idea where I am from, because I was born in California, lived in NY, grew up in South Dakota, went to college in Utah/Idaho and live in Seattle now. I guess I am an American, but that is about it. I think rule #7 is pretty universal. And I love your view on cursing in public.

    • rynolexson January 29, 2014 at 5:28 pm #

      I think I missed your comment on Friday Ben, apologies. I am answering it now…
      If I were you, I would say I was from Cali, people think you are naturally cooler if you are from Cali. That and the fact that all the other places, (minus NY) are pretty lame…I mean seriously, South Dakota? Who actually lives there?

      Thank you for agreeing with my cursing views, I feel fucking fantastic cursing whenever I feel like it.

      • bensbitterblog January 30, 2014 at 4:44 am #

        I’ll know next time not to answer on Fridays as you are busy avoiding comments and not looking for tweets to favorite and retweet.
        I try to tell people I’m from Cali, but usually when they ask about anything in recent memory about anything in the state, I can only tell them something that happened when I was six. Then the fraud lead to the super cold (not cool) South Dakota. It’s a scandal of Mt. Rushmore proportions.

        I did live there which is where I get all my bitterness and uncoolness.

  9. canigetanotherbottleofwhine January 30, 2014 at 12:00 am #

    Is that a Redskins shirt? GO SKINS!!! I grew up in VA too – Alexandria. I, on the other hand, loved it. Although it was so close to the border of north and south that you really couldn’t count it as the south – maybe a few more miles south to Dale City – THAT was totally south. I also ditched my accent when I moved north…midwest – whatever. But I can bring the twang right back for a family reunion – my husband makes fun of me when I do it – I can’t help it – it’s in my blood. Your post made me laugh out loud – the cursing, the in-laws, all of it. So funny!!!

    • rynolexson January 30, 2014 at 1:06 am #

      Thanks!

      And yes that is a redskins shirt! My husband is from Vienna, really close to Alexandria.

      To us northerners, va is the south. I know how NOVA ppl like to say it’s not but you’re not fooling me 😉

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