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She Got It From Her Mama

Re-Posting this from last year, it’s too priceless not to share again!

Enjoy Mother’s day Weekend Everyone!

If you haven’t gotten your mother anything by this point in time, its too late. Running to CVS to buy a last minute bath set is TOO obvious. You might as well make a card and write a nice poem, mothers always seem to enjoy that.

Available at your local CVS Store

Although, if my daughter grows up and writes me a poem for a gift, I might be offended. Let’s see- I pushed you out , stayed up many nights with you while you threw up, shit, and drooled all over me and all you can write is a poem? Yea, maybe that’s not the best idea, stick with the CVS bath-set.

Anyways, id thought this year I’d do something special different for my mom.

She has been tip-toeing around me, on her best behavior for fear that my next blog post would be about her and her darkest secrets…

Well mom, the wait is over, NOW is YOUR moment!

Let me just say, my mom is an amazing woman. She is the best person I know and I wouldn’t be me without her. She has taught me to be strong, motivated and to never apologize for being myself. She has also been my best friend since the age of 20 (because during the teen years, your supposed to hate your mom).

That being said, Ive learned a lot from my mother and there are some things I think are worth sharing.

1. Saturdays are for cleaning

In school Fridays were never about Pizza Day or the day before the weekend. Fridays for me were The day before cleaning day. Saturday was ALWAYS cleaning day. If the apocalypse hits on a Friday, your still shit out of luck because your ass is getting up at 7am on Saturday and cleaning. When we finally got a cleaning lady I thought all my chore problems would go away but no, Saturdays became the day to clean before the cleaning lady.

2. Girls Always Wipe From Front to Back

I’ve always wondered why? No idea, but it might have something to do with my vagina. 24 years and counting of Yeast infection sobriety. Thanks mom.

3. Fashionably late never exists

My mother shows up everywhere 30 minutes early. Know those people in your life that you show up late to EVERYTHING. Like you send them a different party invite with the start time earlier than it is? Well my mom is the opposite. She is the person you change the invitation to say 30 minutes later…

4. Never shave the tops of your legs

I listened to this advice till about 8^th grade. Then one day I wore shorts and I was deemed “Hairy Tops”. I never got why she thought you shouldn’t shave the tops of your legs, until I noticed the tops of her legs aren’t the only thing she skips out on shaving. Now, I understand.

5. Photogenic ability is a gift, not a right and sometimes my mom just doesn’t have it…

Like this…

Or This…

Resemblance?

And Finally This…

Well nobody looks good in this one.

6. Once you go black, you never go back

This was in reference to a white girl dating a black guy. I always assumed it was negative. Then I started hearing the rumor that black guys got big “Disco Sticks”. Now I’m starting to see the truth. Once you have had black, there Aint NO REASON to go back to white. You Go Mama-O

7. Never put a TV in your bedroom, it’s unproductive

According to Mama-O, the bedroom is for sleeping and “something else”. The minute I moved out, I put a TV in my bedroom and realized that watching TV in bed while doing “something else” is multitasking.

Speaking of “Something Else” that reminds me:

8. The “Sex Conversation” doesn’t have to be a conversation at all

When I learned what sex was at the age of 7, I went home, disturbed, and ask my mother

“I learned about sex today…you and dad don’t do that do you?”

“Yes we do and you should feel lucky that your parents still have sex very regularly after this many years of marriage”

-END CONVERSATION-

9. She Puts All Hand Talkers to Shame

10. You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide

I remember a day when my mom owned that ugly box 90’s van, light blue to be exact. My sister and I ran away from home, I was 7, Sam was 2. We packed our barbies in a suitcase and planned to skip town. We made it to the local playground and hid out. After about an hour (Yea, it took an hour for her to notice her bundles of joy were missing)I see my mother’s van speeding up and down the street like a mad woman. By the way she was driving, she was mad-I mean pissed off- gunna kick my ass -mad. She found us partly because it was dinner time and I was hungry and because two blondes hiding in a slide were a dead give-away.

When you saw this, it was all over

11. No dinner table conversation is off limits

My family has the most inappropriate dinner conversations. Some topics have included; how big my sisters poop was, the importance of using condoms. But the one that takes the cake; My mother bragging that my father didn’t need Viagra at the age of 49 in which my youngest sister replied, “What’s Viagra?”

More Sausages anyone?

12. Punishments get easier with sibling order

My sister and I grew up during a time when spanking was still OK. It was never considered child abuse. We would stuff towels in our pants before we knew we were going to get spank to ease the hand of my parents. Our little tactic worked well until my sister started laughing hysterically while she was getting spanked-mom caught on real quick.

Now I see my youngest sister get punished and there is no spanking, not even a threat of spanking. Her punishment is “Go to your room and play your with your kindle-your punished” I was definitely born in the wrong order.

13. You will always be responsible for raising your male spouse

This is so true and I wished I listened to this piece of advice a little more. Not only do I have remind my husband to change his underwear, but I also have to shop for his outfits and teach him how to chop onions. Step it up Boy-Mothers, your children are killing us women.

14. There are two types of people in this world, those who are Chowns and those who want to be Chowns

Chown is my mother’s maiden name. I always thought this saying meant Chown women were long legged, tall and have gorgeous million dollar smiles. But recently, my sisters boyfriend clued me into what this REALLY means. When my sister asked him:

“What do us “O” girls have in common with our mom”

To which her boyfriend replied:

“Everything. Your boobs, you all have nice boobies”

AND That is what it means to be a Chown or want to be a Chown- It’s all in the Boobs.

15. White Girls Can Dance

16. Love is a Choice

The best and last thing I have learned from my mother is that Love is a Choice. You don’t fall in love, you choose to love and this piece of advice I TRY to live by everyday. There are some days that this choice is difficult and days that it is impossible, but I wake up each day choosing to love not only my spouse, but everything and everyone around me.

Mom, I hope you can choose to love me after this blog post.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/daily-prompt-mom/

Tags: 90s Van, American, Blog, CVS, Funny, Girl, Gossip, health, Humor, Kids, Laugh, Life, Love, Moms, Mothers, Mothers day, Old Parents, Parents, Personal, Poop, Ryan, Silly, Thoughts, White girls can dance, Women

Comments 12 Comments
Categories Life, Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

2014, Can I Get a Re-Start?

3 Jan

Today is Friday and if you live in the North East, it’s a snow day! No work! No School! Plenty of time to read this entirely-way-to-long-blogpost!!

Since I am stuck inside and bored, I decided to participate in Finish The Sentence Friday .

Today’s Prompt: What are your blogging goals for 2014?

Most of these are not true blogging goals, but they ultimately will effect my blog someway or another so whatever, I made it work.

I have been greatly uninspired to write anything in the past two weeks…shocking I know. However, I realized that all the crap I have been doing instead of blogging, actually gave me some insights into my goals and resolutions for 2014…even if it’s a few days late.

So here we are…just me, you, this keyboard and a new year…

I could end the whole post by saying these few weeks have been filled with eating, drinking, being stupid and then some more eating and drinking, but that wouldn’t be so fun now would it? Seriously though, I ate so much that just the other day, I could have sworn my stomach spoke to me:

“God Dammit, just stop it. You have had enough. Put down the food and nobody will get hurt. Was it necessary to consume 1/4 of that cheesecake in between lunch and dinner yesterday? Do you honestly need another latte this morning? Enough.”

OMG CAN’T STOP

New Year’s resolution #1, eat a little less and save my stomach the pain of digesting mass amounts of shit.

Moving on, two weeks before Christmas I got to witness the beauty of my first preschool Christmas pageant. Honestly, if you are on the fence about having children, have them solely for this reason. Attending the Christmas plays and watching your little person perform is priceless. It’s amazing how 3-4 year old’s can be corralled for more than 30 minutes to sing songs, but even more amazing watching them re-intact the Nativity story.

Even though the Nativity story is totally overplayed, somehow watching preschoolers act it out adds a whole new level of excitement.

Addison’s part this year was The North Star; one of the most important characters in the play if you ask me. Without that star, those three wise-bums would have never been able to find the glorious baby Jesus. If they couldn’t find the baby, then who would of even known he was born? The Little Drummer Boy wouldn’t have made it big and Joseph might have even accused Mary of adultery due to the lack of world acknowledgement regarding little Jesus’s birthday.

“Mary, nobody is showing up for this kid’s birthday. You said his birth was an act of god, immaculate conception or whatever, but it doesn’t seem like a big deal so I’m going to say, you’re full of shit.”

So basically, the Northern Star is the reason for the CHRISTmas season.

I had no idea what Addison’s pageant would entail; we were only directed to dress her up in all yellow and practice her line for the play. When I say her line for the play, I mean six words. Have you ever tried getting a three year old to memorize a sentence? It’s like getting your dog to pee in a toilet, they always miss the target…plus their ADD kicks in halfway through.

This was Addison’s line, “I see the Wisemen following me”.

That was it. Easy right? No, every time she would add a spin on it and it always sounded like it had a child-molesting double meaning….for example:

“I see the man looking at me”

“There is a Wise guy following me”

“These three men won’t stop following me”

People these days are so over sensitive and look into everything trying to make it more than it is. I was terrified someone in the crowd would take her messed up line as a subliminal message that she was being abused. I kept imagining her screwing up the line and then hours later getting a knock on the door from the police. So I decided to send out the good acting vibes out into the universe to ensure her success.

Dear Universe, please help Addison nail this line in the play so we can keep her. Thank you.

As Addison entered the stage in her Star costume, I lost it. I laughed so hard I had to literally get up and walk around to keep from disrupting the whole show. Her costume wasn’t even close to what I had imagined it would be. The teachers were glaring in my direction… I just couldn’t contain my giggles. The preschool staff is not the biggest fan of my husband and I. We miss out on a lot of parent-child activities due to work so you can just imagine how well my laughing fit added to my stellar mommy reputation…

Cannot wait to show this kid’s future boyfriend this picture.

After I calmed down a bit, I started to examine the North Star costume a bit further…it reminded me of an outfit I had seen in history class….

Christopher Columbus?

No.

Big Bird?

No, but close.

The Klu Klux Klan?

HA, yes, definitely a Klan member outfit decked out in gold. That pointy hat could be spotted a mile away and my blonde-hair blue eyed looking Aryan child completed the KKK look.

This school dressed my kid up in a Klan outfit and had her star in a Christian play…the irony was just too much for me to handle.

Does anyone see this resemblance?

New Year’s resolution #2: Stop feeling guilty about not being able to fully participate in preschool events due to work. This picture can always be used to question the preschool’s real agenda.

As Christmas grew near, I returned home one evening to find a business card stuck in the crack of my door. I saw the card was from the local Police Department. My heart literally stopped.

Shit, it must be Levi-the cat killing dog. One of our neighbors must have called the cops on him.

He was recently accused of killing cat #2 just last week (which by the way was never confirmed as there were no witnesses, only speculations. Remember…Innocent until proven guilty.)

Dog Shame

I immediately starting yelling at Levi for being so damn obvious about his cat indiscretions. As his dog mommy, I completely accept his serial cat killing tendencies, but he really needs to be less obvious about his victims. Picking two cats that live across the street from us is just way too obvious, I advised him that going a little further down the street would divert suspicion away from him and onto other dogs. At least down the street there were more dogs without invisible fences that he could pin the murders on.

Seriously, this dog needs to watch some more Dateline.

As I put the card down, it fell to the floor and flipped over… there was a note on the back.

The note read, in terrible handwriting, “The police advice that you to move your car from Fresh Market (Fresh Market is a local grocery store).”

What in the hell does that mean? Why did the cop misspell “advise”? What an idiot.

The relief was only replaced by fear because not even ten minutes before I found this card, I was shopping at Fresh Market!

How could that cop have seen me at the store and arrived to my house before I got home? How did he know where I lived? Was this some weird joke? Is it even legal to run my plates then leave a poorly hand written note on my home door? If I parked illegally, why not just write me a parking ticket? Why the fuck did he come to my house?!

I called the officer on his line and left a voicemail asking why he was at my house and what the hell that note meant. To this day, he has never called me back…even scarier.

Stalking 101: Leave creepy note regarding whereabouts on door

I can’t say that I am surprised in the least. I mean most officers have terrible handwriting and can’t spell. Plus, I have yet to come into contact with an officer who ever had a decent notepad on them to write a decent note.

Like this one time, a cop came to my house after a neighbor had complained about the noise coming from my old apartment. My friend and her boyfriend were fighting and our nosy neighbor felt the need to intrude on their daily fighting routine. If our neighbor had only known how many times this couple would fight, they would know it’s nothing new. Anyhow, after the cop came in and decided to arrest my friend for her smart remarks (which were very offensive) he asked my husband for a pen and paper to write down the address of the station where we could pick her up after she had been booked. As my husband searched high and low to help out the unprepared officer, my friend made one last remark….

“You are a police officer and you don’t even carry around a fucking pen or notepad?”

From that point on, I have yet to find a police officer who is prepared…And yes, if you were wondering, I am from NJ where people speak to law enforcement like that. It’s a way of life here.

Anyways, back to the point of this story….I have considered all the possibilities as to why this officer left his card and note and given the circumstances…I believe I have a stalker, a law enforcement stalker.

New Year’s resolution #3: Keep an eye out for any and all suspicious activity. Also, tell my readers this story in case I end up dead.

Fast forward to a week later and we come to New Year’s Eve. My sister and her boyfriend scored us all tickets to a “rave” concert in New York City.

What a crazy fun night we had; it was an interesting crowd and scene.

My two observations:

#1. The rave crowd found glow-in-the-dark lights more interesting than my 3 year old.

#2 Everyone was half naked.

It was a pretty cool scene.

Tight Crowd

Me and My Sister

Being at this concert, it came to my attention that my husband is getting too old, too quickly.

He is balding at an incredible rate...signs of being too old.

He is losing hair at an incredible rate…signs of being too old.

You see, there is this new drug called “Molly” (I watched a Dateline special all about it) and it usually can be found in places like the one we were at on New Year’s Eve. I guess it’s all the rage with younger kids these days.

Of course it was just too priceless that Boy Ryan was offered one by a random guy. It was even better that I had the privilege to hear the whole conversation….

Random Guy: “Hey dude, want some Molly?”

Boy Ryan: “Who? Molly? No thanks, I am married.”

What a guy, right? How can you not love my husband for his ever so innocent response?

Anyways, after my realization of how old Boy Ryan was getting, I decided to do something young and stupid, just to bring me back down to my 20’s something mentality. My big decision to combat “old” mentality…Crowd Surfing.

I informed Boy Ryan of my revelation and while he politely declined to join me, he was nice enough to set the whole thing up by getting the attention of 10-15 drunk guys to catch me. I figured the rest of the crowd would catch on once I started surfing so I took a deep breath and flew off the stage…in my $80 dress, black tights and 3 inch heels into the hands of strangers. They carried me about 2-3 feet and dropped me face first on the floor.

It. Was. Awesome.

After returning to the stage, I felt a sense of accomplishment and embarrassment, but mostly accomplishment.

New Year’s resolution #4: Attend more events like this to keep me young.

New Year’s Day came and went and I missed most of it because I needed a full recovery day, but when I woke up on Jan 2nd, I knew this year was going to be great! And it was until Addison starting hacking out her lungs early that morning. I called out of work and appreciated the extra day off. I debated taking her to the doctor until my work told me that I needed a doctor’s note to be excused from work, so then obviously I had no choice…to the doctor she would go.

Bringing my kid to the doctors on most occasions is a waste of time. After $30 to get the doctor’s note for work and no tangible diagnosis (surprise, surprise) I pulled into a gas station to buy Addison a drink; she had been asking me all day for the “blue” drink at Exxon.

As I started to get out of my car, a policeman whipped in right behind me with his lights flashing.

SHIT. What is it with these fuckers? This guy literally came out of nowhere.

The really important Police Men have something to say

He motioned for me to get back into my car… clearly I was being pulled over. I glanced at Addison and asked her if she could start crying or screaming or coughing dramatically. She told me no because she didn’t want to go to jail.

I have some work to do with this kid…we could make a great team if she could nail down the screaming child act during police pull-overs.

“Hi mam. Driver license, insurance and registration. Do you know what I am stopping you?”

Why do they ask you that? Will any sane person really say, O why yes, because I was speeding or went through a red light? No, idiot, nobody does that….

“No, officer I am not sure why”

“Because you have tinted windows and that is illegal in NJ”

I tried my best not to roll my eyes. Tinted windows…really? You don’t have anything better to do right now then watch cars drive by and look at the color of the windows?

“I’m sorry I bought this car with them on and have not gotten a chance to get them removed.”

“How long have you had the car?”

“Um, about a year or so”

“Really, you are busy girl then. You couldn’t find anytime to get them off?”

“No sir, I work and when I take off of work, I have to show proof that I took off for a good reason so that pretty much consumes my entire day-off”

“Ok, well let me check your information and ill be back”

The chances of me getting out of a ticket are slim at this point. I am guessing this guy was so bored, he was probably thankful for the paper work.

He returned with a ticket for the tints and told me to have a safe day.

The only safety I was going to find on the first day of 2014 was in my bed under the covers.

New Year’s resolution #5: No more donations to the local police departments unless it’s for notepads.

2014 has started on a rough note but it could be worse. I am hoping it’s not a bad sign as to what is coming my way this year. However if it is, I have decided my most important resolution this year will be….

New Year’s resolution #6: Find humor in every situation, no matter how shitty it might seem.

And with that, I wish you all a happy, healthy and humorous 2014.

Giving all my bad vibes to you so I don’t have them!

Tags: 2014, American, Blog, Christmas, cops, finish the sentence friday, Funny, Girl, Gossip, health, Humor, Laugh, Life, Love, new years, Old Parents, police, rave

Comments 21 Comments
Categories Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

What happens at the Cove, Stays at the Cove.

27 Nov

My husband works for a company that hosts incentive trips throughout the year and we have been fortunate enough to attend majority of them.

This past summer was a free trip to Nieves, an island that nobody has ever heard of. I don’t remember much, but I credit that to the island’s signature “Killer Bee” cocktail. The drink tastes so good, but when you least expect it; it stings you!

Then last summer, we went to Aruba, the happiest island in the Caribbean. Why is it the happiest island you ask? Because nobody in Aruba has a real job and therefore is happy.

All those islands were great and all, but my favorite trips have always been the fall vacation to the Bahamas. Not for the location but for the crazy shit that goes down at this place…and this year did not disappoint.

Getting to the Bahamas takes about 2 1/2 hours via plane which has become one of my newest phobias in life.

Such a tiny plane

Ever since a particular nail-biting flight; getting myself on a plane is a bitch. It’s actually gotten so bad that for my flight to the Bahamas this year, I decided to drug myself.

Drug of choice; Dramamine.

#NoMakeup

Dramamine is a motion sickness medication, but it makes you loopy as hell so I gave it go.

Boy Ryan tried to convince me that if he distracted me the entire flight I wouldn’t need the medication.

But that turned out to be a total fail ten minutes in….

I am so distracted by watching you sleep; what a brilliant idea!

Anyways, the Dramamine did its work and I spent the entire flight writing down all the questions I have about random things (more on this to come) and taking selfies of my face because I was convinced the Dramamine made it look distorted…and I refuse to share those pictures with you all.

When we arrived in the Bahamas and pulled up to The Cove, a very “exclusive” part of the Atlantis Resort. I was honestly floored by the hotel luxuries. Full balconies, a spacious lower living room, a hairdryer and 2 fully stocked mini-bars.

Um, YES.

My Room view

As I laid down on the bed to recover from my Dramamine high, I heard the familiar tone Boy Ryan says on every single vacation; “O Shit”.

“O Shit” (said in a high to low pitch) means that Boy Ryan forgot something; as he does every trip we attend. One year he forgot his wallet in airport security. The year before that he left his contacts in a hotel room. The year before that he mistakenly overlooked packing any clean underwear for a two week trip.

So what could it possibly be this time?

“Hun…I forgot my bathing suit.”

Ah yes, the bathing suit. The man packs for a tropical island surrounded by water, pools and beaches and forgets the most necessary item of clothing. Typically Boy Ryan.

So we spent the first day walking around Atlantis in search for a bathing suit. We found one for a “steal” at $80…ugh.

Let me just state for the record, Atlantis is not cheap.

Which is why on the first night, I was more than happy to attend a work event where free food and free drinks were in unlimited supply for the night.

It was at a restaurant called the One and Only Ocean Club.Truly a gorgeous scene; if anyone is looking for destination wedding venues, definitely put this on the list.

The event was held in a garden area with a ton of naked men statues. I know that sounds weird, but they were probably the highlight of all the conversations I had that night.

Work events are always a bit awkward so conversation topics tend to focus on the scenery, food and service quality.

Topic of conversation

However, I will make a note about something I noticed regarding Men and any Caribbean island…

Why do men think wearing linen pants are OK on an island?

Can we just dive into this a minute?

Linen pants are very difficult to pull off for most men.
Most men do not wear linen pants appropriately. The sizes are always too small and the pants are always too wrinkled.
When #1 and #2 are in full force you know what happens? Men get linen-pant camel toes.

Just from this short visit to the Caribbean, I’ve had enough Linen-Pant Camel Toes to last me a century.

Attention women: Good wives don’t let good husbands wear linen pants.

**Please wear responsibly **

Unless you are this man, you can not wear linen pants.

Anyways, I drank way too much at that event- probably because I wanted to forget every male camel toe I had just seen– and spent the rest of the night in the Casino playing craps. By playing craps I mean rolling the dice for the craps players.

I have never been a fan of Casinos, but the Atlantis casino has a really great set-up. Between the sports betting area, slot machines and an everlasting flow of free drinks, I give it two thumbs up!

Taking pictures at a casino is illegal, I’m a total badass.

The second day for me was a wash; too many male camel toes and vodka tonics left me a hungover mess. There aren’t enough adjectives to describe the color of vomit that came out of me that day.

Sleep+Sun+Pool=cure

I’m just thankful it didn’t last long enough for my date with Flipper.

Yes, me and flipper had an amazing date at his place in Dolphins Cay.

At Dolphins Cay, you actually get in the water with dolphins. You can touch them, swim with them and even feed them. I highly recommend you go if you ever visit the Bahamas…even if it’s just to touch the dolphins. Touching a dolphin feels like you are groping a 400lb man in a wetsuit, very amusing to say the least.

The professional pictures taken were like $40, so i’m too cheap to have purchased any to show you all, but I did try and catch some video to share.

The rest of the trip was a lot of the same; drinking too much, gambling, eating at a famous restaurant called NoBu? Which according to Boy Ryan should be named; No Food. We were still so hungry that after we ate, we went out to eat.

I only recommend this restaurant for aspiring anorexics.

But the last thing I wanted to share with you all is about my experience at The Cove private pool party.

Cove tagline: “Live Your Life”

Things that happen at the Cove pool;

People show boob-age; whether they intend to or not
People make out wherever they feel like it; group make-outs are also encouraged
Rich Ugly Old men hang out with younger, attractive females
Sexual Dancing; both good and bad
Sex in the bathroom-yes I said sex in the PUBLIC bathroom
Patron being poured onto body parts and licked off
$7,000 drink bills

Here is how I sum up the party at The Cove pool;it’s a 6-8 hour long orgy every day, any day. Including Sundays! The orgy happens AFTER Sunday Church!

Over a 4 hour period I saw the pool party scene go from classy-cool to drunken-mess fest.

Although I wasn’t cool enough to partake in the festivities, I did capture these Cove party animals in their natural habitat for you all to see:

See the younger women relaxing by the watering hole; calm, cool and collective…observation 2pm

Watering hole begins to get crowded. More adult beverages are consumed. Animals begin to move around…observation 3:30pm

Fat rich man begins to make his way over to younger attractive girls. He flashes them $100 bills and offers drinks. Young girls take bait….Observation 4:00pm

Younger female begins to stand on chair and dance for fatter man in the pool. Her judgement is off, but she continues to entertain for another round of free drinks…observation 5:00pm

Total debauchery ensues. Dancing takes place. Group make-outs and “motor boating” are also observed. Debauchery doesn’t slow down until well into the early evening….observation 7pm.

If you like a hard-core party scene, resort lifestyle and commercialized experience, then I highly recommend you visit the Atlantis resort. If you’re not entertained by the water slides, casinos, variety of restaurants or dolphins, you will be at the Cove. You might even be cool enough to hang out with the party animals!

Just remember one thing: DO NOT WEAR LINEN PANTS!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Tags: American, Atlantis, Bahamas, Bahamas Review, Blog, Casino, Dolphin Cay, Dolphins, Funny, Gambling, Girl, Gossip, health, Humor, Laugh, Life, Love, Old Parents, Personal, Review, Royal Towers, Status, The Cove, Thoughts, Vacation, Women

Comments 7 Comments
Categories Life, Review, Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

I Got 99 Problems and A Dick Ain’t One

12 Jun

This is a highly inappropriate blog post…I try really hard not to include too many raunchy and profane topics all in one sitting, but…. I really don’t care.

There comes a time in every girls life when she has a particular thought, a thought that I believe is very valid, but nonetheless a simple thought…

What would I do if I had a penis for a day?

Before you read on, you must ask yourself how your feeling about the penis at this very moment…if weenies are scary , you dislike them or are grossed out by the visual thought of them in anyway…Don’t read on.

If you’re like me and wish you had one in a non-lesbian/non-transgender way…by all means, have a BALL… or Two 🙂

I find the male part quite amusing probably because I don’t-nor will ever– have one.

Not only that, but men talk about their penises like they are the best thing since his- and -her lube!

Remember that song from Harold and Kumar? “My dick” by Mickey Avalon? In his song he sings this line: “We got Dicks like Jesus”.

Now who wouldn’t want a Dick like Jesus? Seriously, they should start changing those WWJD? shirts and instead put… I Got A Penis Like Jesus. Those shirts would sell out in a day. Catholics, Christians, Jews and hell-even the Mormons would buy it.

And If you don’t know who this guy is…shame on you

No wonder us gals are so curious, when do you hear the general female population raving about the greatness of the vagina?…and Alanis Morrissette doesn’t count.

So anyway, all this thought about the Main Vein, got me wondering…what if girl’s had penises? Obviously we would rule the world, that’s a given…Brain+Beauty+Balls…The possibilities would be endless really, but before we dive into that, let’s first explore why a woman wouldn’t want a penis…

Penis Problem #1: It’s incredibly ugly

There’s not much to say here…penises are just…blah. They slightly remind me of an elderly worm.

Wanna Play? EW

Penis Problem #2: It’s Deceiving

Romans do a great job of depicting this flaw…just look at the Statue of David. David is incredibly tall, muscular, sexy, curly hair… but has the tiniest penis ever. Now, to be fair, it doesn’t mean that David wasn’t packing some serious beef, but maybe David was a grower…not a show-er. Still,you will never know the truth.

Poor guy didn’t have a chance to let the world know.

Penis Problem #3: size DOES matter

I love it when guys ask this question: Does size really matter to girls? YES. If you say differently, your a liar. In short…a guy can be the hot, and all around great, but he will never be datable if he’s got a French fry in his pants. For all my single ladies out there, how much does it suck when you go out with a guy on a few dates, spend all your time thinking about him, dreaming up fairy tale scenarios, only to find out when you sneak a peek, there is simply no future a-head.

Waste. Of. Time.

Damn Right

And there you have my ANTI-PENIS list.

Let’s explore the Positives-List.

Penis Pro #1- You Can Pee On Everything

I think males completely take this task for granted. Men can pee anywhere at anytime…out the window driving…in a bottle…on a wall…in the woods…off a bridge. My days of hovering over a toilet seat would be gone if I had a penis. Not only would I pee on all types of objects, but id definitely pee on annoying people. Screaming little children for example… If every kid was fearful of getting peed on at all times, you better believe they would shut up real quick.

I can see it now…

Penis Pro #2: Absolutely play this game…All Day…Everyday…

Penis Pro #3: Cock Slap

Is this a real thing? When someone says, “I going to cock slap you in the face” Can you actually cock-slap someone in the face? I’d like to embark on this mystery to find out for myself.

Penis Pro #4: Penis Shadow Puppets

Hand shadow puppets are fun, but Penis Shadow Puppets are better.

This could be very do-able

Penis Pro #5:New-Business Ventures

Why hasn’t anyone made a clothing line for ding-a-lings? I know it sounds crazy, but seriously we dress up animals, paint our nails, wear leg warmers, dress up our hair…it’s about time for a penis clothing line. I think I’d call it…Pocket Rocket & Co.

Penis Pro #6: Boners

Boners are so cool, they are even a little magical. You can just walk into a shoe store and BAM…Boner. Then like an hour later walk into a coffee shop, library, car wash and be like BAM, BAM, BAM…Boner! Seriously, this is the best…Popping boners.

And my conclusion…having a penis is more productive than having a vagina…There are just more things to accomplish. Ladies have got to start stepping it up on the kegels and making these types of talents happen for us.

But at least there is one truth that will always trump the male parts…a truth so superior, men don’t stand a chance.

There is Power in The Pussy…And don’t you ever forget it.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/12/daily-prompt-law/

Tags: Acient Aliens, Alanis Morrisette, American, Blog, Funny, Girl, Girls, Gossip, health, Humor, If Girls had a penis, If I had a penis, Laugh, Laughs, Life, Love, Memes, Men, Mickey Avalon, My Dick, Old Parents, Parents, Penis, Penis Game, Personal, Ryan, Status, Thoughts, Waiting, Women

Comments 20 Comments
Categories Uncategorized, Women
Author rynolexson

UPDATE Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

10 Jun

Just when I thought all my kitty problems were gone…I got another knock on my door…with more cat shenanigans.

Guess who? Yep!!

That Crazy Fucking Cat Lady and her subordinate husband.

Knock, Knock…Guess WHO?! MEOW!

My first thought, Crazy Cat Lady, must have gotten my CAT-VICTIM package. She is coming over to say thank -you, how sweet. Hopefully she left the cat hair at home this time.

I open the door…

“Hi there, just wanted to come by and thank you for the gift. I thought it was really sweet and kitty loves the toys you gave her! Look, Look at this picture of her playing with the cat-nip Squirrel!!

O, and by the way… buying an invisible fence…you didn’t have to do that!! That was above and beyond”

Thank God kitty likes the toys-Crazy Cat Lady taking that picture made her day and will smooth this whole thing over. Phew, looks like we are clear of this one!

“No problem, it was the least we could do! How’s miss kitty doing anyway?”

She started to tear up which made me want to laugh. Partly because her face wrinkles up like Claire Dane’s in Homeland when she cries.

My Cat! My Cat…BOO HOO BOO HOO

“She is good-we actually brought her to the vet. She got an X-Ray and a full emergency exam. Vet sees nothing wrong. The thing that really killed me...is when the vet found the teeth marks. She said it was definitely from a dog, so even though we didn’t see your dog attack, it was most likely him.”

Wait a fucking second…there were no witnesses to this?! I have spent all day watching my dogs get shocked by their new invisible fence because you THINK my dog was guilty?! I started to get angry and wanted her to finish up tear-fest 2013 so she would leave my porch.

“Well, like I said, we feel really bad and the fence will make sure this never happens again. Thanks for stopping by!”

Her husband’s voice shakes as he says, “Um, well we actually wanted to talk to you about the vet bill”

I spin around and my inner voice speaks loud…THESE PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

“We know your an animal lover and all. We know you would understand this whole situation. We feel it’s fair to split the bill with us and half the bill would be $315.00”

They just showed up tonight to ask for money…Bitches. And what kind of vet did they take this cat to?! Did they fly in a cat-dog attack specialist for the vet exam?

“Ok….” I was at a lost for words. My inner voice kicks in again…Just be honest about this.

“Sure we will definitely pay for half of the bill…”

Ah, shit it’s happening. My inability to be confrontational face to face with people older than me. Stop being such a pussy, just tell the lady to take that bill and the cat hair and shove it up her ass.

“…I think it’s totally appropriate we help to pay the bill as well…”

Are you kidding me? Stop right now, tell her shes a greedy ass that is taking advantage of a young couple.

“…You were so right to come over and ask us to help on this, it’s the right thing to do…I’ll drop the check off in your mailbox. Have a great night, glad we could move past this!”

UGH, your so hopeless, I give up, come talk to me again when you grow some balls

Sometimes you just gotta listen

I walk inside, ashamed of my cowardliness and spot Levi, looking right at me.

“You know Levi, if you finished the job-we wouldn’t be paying a vet bill right now…better work on those skills in case that cat decides to come within your invisible fence barrier”

So here I am, writing yet another letter along with a very, expensive check.

Dear Kerri (Yes, I found out her stupid name and it ends with an I. I don’t trust people who names end in I)

Again, I’m glad your cat is OK (But now not really).

In this envelope is the check for $315 (Half of the extremely expensive medical bill for your bald cat, which I hope by the way, stays bald) Hope we can move past this (we wont, I think you people are a waste of space and I will never lend you any cups of sugar or eggs…fuck you)

Sincerely,

Your neighbors (who now hate your guts and hope your cat gets eaten by a wild animal or drowns in the Holy Lake)

Invisible Fences Make PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE neighbors

Tags: American, Blog, cat lady, crazy cat lady, Funny, Girl, Gossip, health, home owner, Humor, Joba, lake community, Laugh, Levi, Life, Love, love thy neighbor, neighbors, new home, Old Parents, Parents, Personal, Ryan, Thoughts, Women

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

The Grocery Store War

1 May

Friends, I have a new hobby…Ive decided to start a new diet! So far its great but I compiled a quick Pro/Con list to share:

PROS:

1. Less Pimples

2. More Energy

3. Fast Weight Loss

CONS:

1. The toilet bowl has become my new friend

2. My own bowels have become my worst enemy

3. I am in the grocery store A LOT, like 3.5 hours a week…F.M.L.

#3 might be the reason I stop my new diet…

I HATE the grocery store, like I want to burn the place down, kind of hate. It’s gotten to the point that when I enter the doors to a grocery store, I hear a voice in my head: “Happy Shopping, May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor”

So I’m, going to let you explore why I have a deep despise for this place, in an unique kind of way of course…by making a “Hate Poem” about the shopping market…Enjoy

The all too familiar view

Dearest Grocery Store,

Iv decided to write you a poem about how much I loathe you,

I felt it was more appropriate in a form of a poem, because I hate those too…

I walk into your doors as they slowly slide open,

only to find that half the grocery carts are all broken

Taking the one with the squeakiest wheel,

is about as disturbing as Oprah’s sex appeal…

Oprah, Work it Girl

Turning down the aisle to start on my mission,

picking up first package of free-range chicken

I bet these chickens felt lucky to run around and trot

thinking they’d never end up in anyone’s cooking pot

As I’m throwing the package into my cart,

I suddenly get a whiff of the smallest fart.

Ew, how gross, I think in my head,

The smell is so toxic, I might drop dead

How dare these deadly crop dusters pollute my lungs,

Farting in the grocery store should be as illegal as assault guns.

As I run away from these deadly gases leaking from a stranger’s ass

I find myself in another situation that makes me want a shot-glass…

Little babies and toddlers sitting in their cart seats,

scream at the top of their lungs for their mom to buy a treat

Oh My God, how annoying these kids can be

Yet, there mothers never give them the third degree

Their shrieks and cries make me start to see red,

And all I can think about is whacking these kids right in the head

I’m not that kind of person, I shouldn’t think that way,

But they are so bad, someone should beat them with a cafeteria tray…

O Yea, you know these kids

As I enter into the produce section, I start to fester,

Especially when I spot a female Fruit-Molester

She touches and smells and pokes and prods,

until the fruit is so damaged it resembles a smooshed frog.

Well, thanks for the germs you dirty bitch,

I’m sure those hands have been scratching in a place that shouldn’t itch.

Now that you have infected and touched all the good fruit,

all the rest of us are forced to purchase your germ-ridden brute…

So again I move on to find a row of FREE SAMPLES!

I look to see the opportunity to be first in line, is more than ample.

But as I approach the table with a promise of a snack,

I am ambushed by a herd of hungry human packs.

They gobble and grunt as they consume the samples remaining,

Pushing in line and stepping on your toes without explaining.

As your turn in line is almost up,

you look to find nothing left but an empty Dixie cup

NO! Damn you, all of you greedy pigs

I hope all your first born children die of SIDS.

Ok, that was harsh, I have to agree,

but these people are hogs and didn’t leave any for me!

If I can get any in time…

Making it past the deli section, with great success,

you head over to check-out where you think you can rest.

But O no, the hung-over checkout boy has a different plan,

he isn’t very quick and slightly reeks of a Coors Light beer can.

To make it worse, I’m behind an old hag,

Who will take 30 minutes to pull a checkbook out of her bag

When I get to the front and its finally my turn,

the hung-over checkout boy says, “I betcha can’t wait till that old lady’s in a urn?”

He chuckles at his witty comment and continues to scan,

Telling me about the Supermarket’s “Awesome” pension plan

I nod and grin and wish I could press fast forward,

Because now he’s talking about the many uses of a human umbilical cord.

Just as I think I’m almost done,

he asks if I can donate $1 to the children’s hospital summer camp fund.

Well, how can I say no to sick children, I would look like a bitch,

This organization is smart, what a brilliant sales-pitch!

So once again I am guilt-ed to donate my cash,

So I give the boy the rest of my dollar bill stash…

Finally, I’m out, finally I’m free,

it only took 2 hours but I’m strolling the parking lot buzzing like a bee

I look to my left and look to my right,

Entering the parking lot which resembles a bomb site

I throw my empty shopping cart into the nearest tree crease,

but am startled by the sound of the shopping cart POLICE

“Excuse me Mam, please put your cart back in the designated area”,

his face was red and twitched like he was about to go into total conversation hysteria

My eyes scanned for the nearest cart drop-off, it was at least a five minute walk,

Is he for real? PSHH, this guy can piss off

I responded as calmly as I could,

but I’d had enough of this place and there’s no way this man would of understood

“Sir, while I appreciate your job and all that you do,

you don’t understand what I’ve seen, you just don’t understand my angle of view

If you try and stop me as I get into my car,

I will kick so hard in the ass, it will leave a scar.

With that being said, its time for me to leave,

this place makes me sick and I think I might heave”

Goodbye dreaded store, goodbye for now,

I won’t miss you a bit, I give you my vow

Sincerely,

Your Loyal Shopper Girl Ryan

And THAT my friends are my thoughts on the grocery store.

Until next week….

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/daily-prompt-mad-libs/

Tags: American, annoying kids, best humor blog, Blog, diets, free samples, Funny, Gossip, Grocery store, health, Humor, I hate the grocery store, Laugh, Laughs, Life, Love, Old Parents, old people and motor scooters, oprah, parking lot attendants, Personal, Ryan, screaming toddlers, shopping carts, Status, that girl ryan, Thoughts, Women

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Life
Author rynolexson

Don’t Forget

25 Apr

So…. this is not my typically MO being serious and all, but these last few days have got me all up in knots and I think I need to get it out there so I can move on to more of my funny shit.

At 24, I’m restless, bored and hungry for success. Yet, I never can define what success looks like. Is it money? Is it being a CEO? Is it having a bunch of fancy cars and a big house? So I rack my brain for hours just wondering what I want to do with my life, thinking all of the things I can be and rushing myself to get there. So as I wonder aimlessly through life wondering the answers to all my questions, I always look for signs-as in signs that help guide me to where I need to go. Call it God, call it the Universe, call it intuition-but some force out there that moves us all where we want to be.

So when I stopped in Bed, Bath and Beyond today, I never thought a simple cashier would throw me a sign. After spending 30 minutes contemplating on which blender I should purchase, I walked up to the cashier and pulled my usual, “Hey, I forgot my coupon and I was hoping you could scan one for me?” trick. The cashier smiled and said, “you know you can bring the coupon in at any time and get the money back later”.

Shit, didn’t work– “Ok, ill definitely do that!” I turned to gather my purchased item and started to head for the door. Just then the cashier yelled out to me: “Hey…Don’t forget”

I smiled and continued through the door.

Who says, “Don’t Forget?” What did he mean by that? It couldn’t of possibly meant ” Don’t forget the coupon you just blatant made up!”. It was different. The way he said those words, his tone. It’s like he looked into the depths of my soul and said- “Don’t Forget!” It stuck in my head for hours…don’t forget…don’t forget…don’t forget

Don’t forget what? To take my birth control? Yea trust me, I wont ever forget that again. Don’t forget to take out the trash or that I need to schedule my gyno appointment?….That was so weird….

Its funny how signs can hit you in the face. Its those simple words of a stranger that meant so much for no reason.

As I had racked my brain trying to figure out the REAL meaning of “Don’t Forget”….It just suddenly dawned on me.

Earlier that morning, I woke up at 3am-out of the blue. I sat up in my bed to find my husband-thieved of all the covers by none other than my daughter- hogging the covers AND my two dogs wiggled in-between wherever they could find even a millimeter of space. Usually my first thought would be:

1. Start pushing the unwanted visitors off the bed…Fur first, than kid…

And

2. I need a bigger fucking bed.

But that moment, in the wee hours of the morning, I experienced an intense feeling of gratefulness. All I could think was, ” Damn, I am pretty fucking lucky to have a great guy, an awesome kid and two dogs who think I’m the best thing since Pet Snuggies.”

I realized that I don’t care how big my house is or that my car isn’t an Audi or that my job isn’t glamorous. Success is a feeling-and I already have it.

Maybe this is what that stranger had really meant. Don’t forget to feel lucky for what you have right now. Don’t forget to be happy with how far you have come.

I could be crazy or just super fucking bored….but whatever the case may be, one coupon can go a long way.

Tags: American, Bath and Beyond, bed, Blog, Funny, Girl, Gossip, greatful, health, Humor, Kids, Laugh, Life, Love, Old Parents, Personal, Thoughts

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

Chuck E Cheese…A Place Where You Can Beat Your Kid!

24 Feb

My mind is forever ruined

I brought my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese; once a childhood favorite past time, now a memory I wish to forget. I spent 45 minutes in Chuck E. Cheese and to be completely honest, I haven’t felt that many emotions all at once since the first time I tried Hard Liquor.

Casting Call!!!

At first glance, I couldn’t tell if I was in a Chuck E Cheese or in a casting call for MTV’s show 16 and pregnant. There were so many pregger teens, that I began to think perhaps these girls had so much fun here as a child, they couldn’t wait to come back. Almost like a Chuck E. Cheese pregnancy pack. Maybe they came here to get used to all the annoying children screaming and crying. Or maybe they came to learn how to properly discipline their children. I have never seen so many instances of child abuse in one area. Parents were beating their kids left and right. A Smack here, a spank there. It was so bad I started to wonder if Chuck E. Cheese should consider a different tag line;

Chuck E. Cheese, A place where a kid can be a kid you can beat your kid

Moving through the crowds of people I noticed that Addison stuck out like a sore thumb. Here we have this little white girl with bright blue eyes, blonde hair and a matching outfit from the Gap (she also had a bright bow in her hair to top it off). I felt like I stuck a sign on her that read, “Your right, I’m not on welfare” and of course Addison had the attitude to go along with that invisible sign. If all these kids were older, Addison would have been asking for a beat down.

We made our way over to the games and I quickly realized I had entered the front lines of a war. Being the civil person that I am, I waited my turn for every game, however, rules do not apply in Chuck E. Cheese. Every single line rule was thrown out the window; it was a straight free-for all.

Now, there is only so much line cutting a person can take before they snap and I believe Boy Ryan was at that point when I spotted an open game…I decided to move quickly on it.

This Meant War

“Mama Bird to Papa Bird, I’m seeing a vacancy at the “Fishing Boat” Game. Look at your 3 o clock… Over”

“Papa Bird copies that, let’s make our move… Over”

We scooped up Addison and B-lined, and ran over to the game before anyone else saw the opportunity. We put in the coin to start the game and this little boy- we will call him Little Jose -walked up and helped himself to the game. He just started hitting buttons and completely took over. Addison was immediately turned off by the intruder and I shrugged my shoulders in defeat. But, Boy Ryan hit his breaking point. He bent down to get on the level of Little Jose, who by the way couldn’t have been more than 5 years of age:

“Hey, its not your turn. Its her turn so you need to wait in line”

“Como se?”

“Como se, it’s NOT YOUR TURN”

“Te Llama?”

Boy Ryan rolls his eyes and scoots the boy to the side of the game so Addison can play.

“Look, Kid, Not your turn. Her Turn. Comprehende? Adios” He turns back to Addison and I.

“Can you believe that? The nerve, I almost lost my shit”

After about ten minutes we realized that playing any game was a total suicide mission, so we moved our way over to the tunnels and slides.

This used to be my favorite part of Chuck E. Cheese. I have never been a big game-er so I spent most of my time crawling in and out of those tunnels. I wanted more than anything for her to try them out. But you must know, my daughter lives in a bubble. Not because I am an overprotective parent, but because she is the most cautious child I have ever met. She thinks the fire alarm in our house is a danger to her.

“Addison, look how fun those tunnels look! You should try it!”

“Mom, I am too little for those tunnels, maybe next year. I really just want a balloon.”

I was so disappointed to hear that… I may or may not had promised a balloon in return for a trip through the tunnels. At the time I did not see this as bribing my kid, I saw it as parenting. They are more or less the same exact thing.

Addison looked at the tunnels above her, then at the balloons, then at me, “Ok, ill go”.

As she reached the last platform, a large child pushed past her almost knocking her down the stairs. My instinct kicked in and I walked over to exchange words with this little fatty.

How dare he push her, does he not understand that one tumble down those steps will make Addison’s bubble a cement case? She will never want to leave the house again.

Would you want to mess with Aunt Jemima?

But then I caught a glimpse of his mother. This lady looked like Aunt Jemima’s evil twin sister. Taking one look at this woman, I decided it was best to let Addison fend for herself, it was about time that kid held her own.

Addison finally made it to the last platform and entered into the tunnels. Boy Ryan and I tried to follow her shadow above us as she crawled through the tubes, but soon lost sight of her. I panicked and realized this was a very bad idea, worst than my idea of wearing penguin underwear to a back massage session.

It had been years since I went into those tunnels but I remembered the dangers, shit can hit the fan real fast. When you come to a fork in the tunnel and spot an older, much larger child barreling down in your direction, you better turn and crawl your little ass as fast as possible or you will be road kill. All I could imagine was Addison learning that lesson the hard way. Great, I just sent my kid into hand-to-hand combat all because I promised a fucking Chuck E. Cheese Balloon…

Boy Ryan interrupted my thoughts, “Do you see her?”

“No, do you?!”

“No, Jesus Ryan why did you let her go in there? I would have never let her go. Do you not remember how crazy, shit can get in those things?”

“What, she wanted to go in there, she is growing up you know she can do stuff like this. She isn’t a baby”

Yes, the look of anxiety

As Boy Ryan and I frantically raced back and forth trying to find Addison, I overheard another mother say to her husband, “Aw look, they must be newbies. Remember how frantic we were the first time Johnny went into those tunnels? Thank gosh he only came out with a black eye!”

I should have bribed her into watching that dancing rat on stage, Chuck E. Cheese himself. At least it was a safe place where I could explain that the big rat is the last person to worry about in this cluster fuck.

The only thing Addison had going for her was her vast experience with Dora The Explorer. She definitely knows enough conversational Spanish to make a friend in those tunnels.

Finally we spotted Addison being led by a little girl, not too much older than herself. I assumed Addison trusted the little girl because she resembled a chubby version of Dora the Explorer. Addison popped up in one of the glass cubes and waved to us, pointing to her Dora friend. I breathed a sigh of relief… ok, she is still alive….

As the little girl walked Addison back to us, we quickly put on her shoes and decided it was time to move on to our last resort, the rides.

So , once again we waited in our invisible line and watched as people cut us over and over. I finally started to lower my behavior to a barbaric level and push my way onto a horse ride, but these two children beat me to it and Addison missed her chance again. Frustrated, I sighed and was just about to yell when I see the two kids Baby Mama walk over with her additional 4 kids in tow.

So I say (in the nicest voice possible), “Um, Hi, excuse me we were waiting in line…”

“You what? You was waiting in line? I didn’t see nobody in line, they ain’t no lines in Chuckee-Cheese.”

“Yes apparently there aren’t any lines, but we have been patiently waiting here for about 15 minutes now. My daughter really wants to ride the horse, don’t you sweetie?” I turned to Addison.

Of course Addison completely throws me under the bus. “No, I want to ride the butterfly, I don’t want the horse”. I quickly shift my eyes to Boy Ryan who is pretending to be on his phone.

Thanks Guys, just sacrifice me to the angry Baby Mama. I will remember this moment when I’m doing your laundry tomorrow.

Baby Mama yells louder, “I’m sorry, there something you want to say to me? Cuz im listening.”

I searched my brain for something quick to say and my eyes landed on the little baby, Baby Mama was holding. Like every small infant in Chuck E. Cheese, this baby had the sharpest Timberland Boots with a collared shirt and fuzzy black hair. How cute!

This place must be where Lil’ Wayne found the baby on the front of his Tha Carter III CD album. There are tons of them here.

“ Hey, lady, Im listening…”

Call it fear or call it being the bigger person, but I was not about to throw down with this lady over a fucking pony ride. I’m usually not above a lot, but I am above brawling in a Chuck E. Cheese.

“That’s Ok, we were just about to leave”

“Damn Right you was”

So we left, rather quickly.

With my ego in one hand and a balloon in the other, I am not too proud to say that Chuck E. Cheese kicked my ass.

Chuck E. Cheese- 1 That Girl Ryan-0

Leaving the building, I don’t know who was more scarred; Boy Ryan, Me or Addison. Chuck E. Cheese, you have completely let yourself go, Zero Fun.

O, and on a side note…I have made an executive decision that Chuck E. Cheese and Walmart are now on the same status level. There are now officially TWO places where the creatures from the depths of the earth gather and hang out. That place is a total hot bed of society mis-fits.

With that, I will not be returning to Chuck E. Cheese anytime soon.

Adios, you dancing rat.

Shear Disappointment Chuck E. Cheese

Tags: 16 and Pregnant, American, Aunt Jemima, Balloons, Blog, Chuck E Cheese, dad, Dora, Funny, Girl, Gossip, health, Humor, Laugh, Life, Lil Wayne, Love, Mom, Old Parents, Parents, Personal, Ryan, Status, Tha carter III, THOSE Parents, Thoughts, Walmart, War, Women

Comments 4 Comments
Categories Uncategorized
Author rynolexson

I Named My Pet Peeve, It’s Called “Annoyance”

7 Feb

Pet Peeve

Hello my TGR Readers! This is my 10th post on my blog, Yeah Me for sticking to something!

I was really stumped thinking of what I could write this week to mark my 10th blog posting. It really pissed me off. So after sitting for hours thinking and annoying myself….wala! Being annoyed actually inspired me to write about annoying things…WEIRD annoying things. So, I made a list of my top 5 Pet Peeves.

But before I dive into my list, I want to let you know that I am really interested in what annoys YOU!

At the end of this post, please post your strangest pet peeve and a little bit about why it drives you nuts.

Let’s see who has the strangest pet peeve out there…

My Top 5 Strangest Pet Peeves

1. Fake Huggers

Clearly a fake hug caught in a photo

My publicists and I have gotten into deep discussions about “Fake hugs”. I bet each one of you has a fake hugger in your life. These fake huggers give the weakest, most non-emotional hugs a human being could provide. A feather might actually give you a better hug.

Sometimes I get the hug and just think, “Why even hug me at all? Why don’t we just skip the hug and move on”.

Definition of a fake hug: usually come as a side hug (they reach across you with one arm and hold an itty-bitty squeeze for 3 seconds) or a failed bear hug (they put both arms around you and keep so much space in the middle that you awkwardly have to lean away and hug their shoulders).

Fake huggers, hug you as if you have some contagious disease and they don’t want to get infected. Its ok, because fake huggers are just fake people, never trust a fake hugger. You know how that saying goes, don’t judge a person by how they look? Well, you can definitely judge them by how they hug. One day, I believe there will be a study done on the correlation of bad hugging and bad people.

And just a note, if you have no idea what the hell i’m talking about, chances are you that you give fake hugs. I suggest learning how to give a proper hug quickly or sticking to classic cheek kissing.

2. Fat People in McDonald’s

There is nothing rewarding about this picture.

Ok, picture this…you have been religiously sticking to your diet and workout routine. You maybe have lost some weight and are feeling great. Now, if your anything like me, you know its time for THE ultimate reward (and I ain’t talking about a shopping spree). You know its time for a Big Mac/ Milkshake Combo at McDonald’s.

So you pull up in your car, butterflies are going off in your tummy as you open that door, and you even trade smiles with a stranger because you both know this is a moment when life is at it’s best. Nobody comes to Micky D’s unhappy.

You continue down that the walkway to the “Place your order” counter and look up as your take your place in line. And that is when you see it, you are standing in line behind THE 700lb man.

Whoomp Whoomp.

I know this is extremely shallow, but it ticks me off to see obese individuals in fast food places. Its like a reminder of why I shouldn’t be there and it’s no where near a satisfying experience.

To be honest, it’s about as satisfying as eating and shitting on the toilet at the same time.

3. Food Thieving

This next pet peeve is a bit extreme, but it makes the top five. I believe it has something to do with my childhood.

My parents were always against us kids eating junk food-Thank you mom and dad, my hips and ass appreciate it.

You see, when my parents would buy junk food it would only be on special occasions, usually, every 6-8 weeks, minimum. Between my siblings and parents, we would eat junk food like it was going out of style because you just never knew when the next binge of junk food would be coming. Carpe Diem.

This had a profound effect on dining situations that I have encountered as an adult.

EXAMPLE:

I am sitting in a restaurant and the waiter brings out the food that I had ordered. Lets just say I ordered Lasagna.

Bobby-a friend I am dining with- takes his fork, reaching across the table, and helps himself to a piece of my lasagna.

-End Example-

This might be normal to you, but to me…this is a total FOOD Party FOUL. It doesn’t matter how close of friends Bobby and I are, he just crossed a line.

When this situation occurs, an animal-is-tic rage comes over me and I have visions of taking my fork and ~~poking~~ Stabbing the hand of the food burglar.

First off, certain food items are considered luxuries in my belly (remember, I was a junk-food deprived child). These days the stomach and I-We’re gluten-free. Lasagna is a fucking treat.

Second off, if I wanted to give you a piece I would offer you a piece. There was no asking, no eye contact for approval, Shit, not even a nod that says, WOW, that looks great let me try some-nothing. Just a fork, on my plate, in my food.

When this situation occurs, I usually don’t say anything or make a fuss, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a total melt down over it one day. I think I would grab their mouth, pull the food out and say something like, “Back off Bitch, that’s my lasagna”.

4. Breathers

This has two sub-categories: Phone breathers and Food breathers.

A. Phone Breathers….UGH, I come across these people everyday in my profession. They breathe into the phone so much you can’t even understand what they are saying. The worst is when breathers leave me voicemails because you now have to listen to the message 4 times so that you can decode the words between each breathe.

VOICEMAIL:

HMMMMMM, Hello, my name is Cindy, HHMMMMMMM, I am calling to, HMMMMM, To ask if you could give me a call back as soon as you can. 973. Hmmmmmm. 77….hmmmmm….56, HMMMMMMM, Thank you, have a nice Day HHHHHHHHHMMMMM

My immediate thought to Cindy:

Cindy, just write me a fucking email.

B. Food breathers…These types of people breathe heavily while chewing their food. It’s like eating dinner next to a vacuum.

Unfortunately, My mother falls into this category. I sometimes get so annoyed by her breathing while she eats, that I have to play my Ipod or talk loudly at the dinner table to drown out the sound.

One time, when she was eating broccoli, she noticed that I was annoyed by her breathing. So to make a point, she asked :

“Ryan, would you rather:

Allow me to eat my broccoli and breathe…….. or Suffocate on the broccoli

I sat for a while thinking about this question….and I decided not to answer.

5. In-betweeners

The finish off my top 5 pet peeve list, I want to explain the “In-betweeners”.

Have you ever been walking through the store and catch a glimpse of a person that has an “in-between” gender? You actually have to ask yourself, “Is that person a boy or a girl?”.

It’s always a surprise

I have noticed that I usually encounter this pet peeve in Walmart and the person always falls under 1 of 2 categories…

1. The Girl Who Could Be a Boy

2. The All-Too-Obvious-Woman

The girl who could be a boy… The Question: is that person a chubby lesbian or a feminine looking man? It’s not like their outfits are dead give-a ways so your eyes always go to the obvious area of the body, The Boobs. But here is what gets tricky, Boobs can be real or they can be man boobs. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

Chaz, great example

The All-Too-Obvious-Woman….At first glance, your brain thinks, woman, but then you take a second look because you honestly haven’t seen a single woman your whole life who is as tall as Yow Ming the basketball player. Once you notice the height, you go again to the boobs and see that they are a little off center or a little too pointy to be real, but then again Madonna made that look work in the 80’s. So you continue to scan for more clue and that most likely brings you to the person’s nails… the nails are always super-long and painted a ridiculous zebra print.

And then you get to the shoes, always a dead give a way.

These all-too-obvious women always do this, no matter what the season or the temperature is outside, they always wear open-toed sandals that are way too small for their feet.

All Too Obvious

But even if you have the signs listed above, you never REALLY know the truth.
And that is why I get so annoyed; I can’t even focus on my shopping by this point.

Either way it’s a total loose/loose situation. Sometimes I leave the store in a deep internal conversation….

“That was a guy! Did you not see the hair on the hands?”

“No way, the boobs were too big to be a guy, it was definitely a girl. She was just a Rosie O’Donnel type of girl”

“Ha! Those were total man boobs. They were the result of too much Kentucky Fried Chicken. There wasn’t even a formation of a breast bud present under that shirt!”

And that my friends, concludes my top 5 list.

So now that you know mine, What Are Your Pet Peeves?

Tags: annoyance, basketball, chaz bono, drag queens, Fat, Food, Funny, Girl, Gossip, health, hugs, Humor, IPAD, jokes, Lasagna, Laugh, Life, Live, Love, McDonalds, Obese, Old Parents, Personal, pet peeves, Poop, Retweet, Ryan, Status, Thoughts, Women, yow ming

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Author rynolexson

Knocked Up…Ryan Style

20 Dec

My co-worker/Publicist has brought to my attention that my readers don’t know the story behind That Girl Ryan. So I thought I would take the time and dive a little into my story…with a humorous touch of course because you just can’t take all this shit too seriously. Perhaps this will give you a better idea of why I write the nonsense that I write.

It also occurred to me that I haven’t really gone, in-depth about my husband, Boy Ryan (don’t worry, he’s well aware that his blog debut is drawing near). So I decided to make this a two-part blog, the first being a little background about me and part two about, That Boy Ryan.

We can go into an in-depth analysis on boy Ryan later…moving on…. Boy Ryan and I started hanging out-at first- on the weekends; mainly partaking in one of our favorite activities- college binge drinking (which, I’m not so sure we really gave up). Now, not to spoil too much about part two, one thing you have to understand about Boy Ryan is that he is a man of little, outward emotion. He does not openly express himself like normal human beings. This is probably why I was attracted to him the first place. He was like a pet project; it’s always a mystery to find out what the man is thinking. As you can imagine this relationship did not begin in a normal fashion.

I know, we look so normal.

Now as us gals know, we over-analyze everything with men. So working with little hints here and there, I started to notice that Boy Ryan was into me for more than just my impressive keg-stand record.

Like this one time we were at a party (we had no idea whose party, we just saw a party and walked in) and I of course, cut the line in beer pong. I strategically scratched out the next contender’s name on the list and inserted my own. The next contender was not enthused when she saw this. She asked her boyfriend to explain to me how a beer pong line list works. Well, the boyfriend decided to use the word SLUT to refer to me, more than a few times. I just starred blankly at him thinking quickly for a come back. But Boy Ryan stepped in before I had the chance to embarrass myself. Being the southern gentleman that he is, asked me to kindly go downstairs for a moment. I walked out of the room and went downstairs to wait for him. The next thing I know, Boy Ryan comes barreling down the stairs, his shirt ripped in half and behind him, a mob of Perry, boat shoe-frat boys. As we ran out of the house, Ryan grabbed my hand and it dawned on me that whatever happened up in that room was done to defend my honor. Even though I DID indeed cut the line, he still defended me. This little gesture continued throughout our relationship and I still, to this day think it’s adorable even if it is a tad violent.

OR another example…

One time I went to his house for a party and regrettably drank 2 cups of lethal “JMU Jungle Juice”. If you attended JMU and know about the jungle juice its probably because you encountered it at a baseball party. But like any good drinker, we always blame it on the juice. Well it was a long night, or short night, whichever perspective you choose to take, but basically it was all a blur to me. I woke up in Boy Ryan’s bed and realized I had peed his bed. No, I’m not kidding I peed the kid’s bed. I was more than mortified and quickly left his house not expecting any kind of communication to continue between us from that point on. But, can you believe that crazy idiot called me the next day? Now if someone peed my bed after only 4-5 weeks of hanging out, I would have never called them again, maybe only to ask for money to buy a new mattress. To this day I can’t comprehend why he called, maybe he just really liked the fact that my name was Ryan, or maybe he thought I was marking my territory and was flattered by that gesture.

We have had romantic moments (the kind that Hollywood defines as romantic), but for some reason, out of all the dates, flowers and jewelry, these moments are the ones that I always remember and love the best.

Fast forward about 11 months later and WAM, we found out I was pregnant. Now this is always the part that people ask me that stupid question, O-M-G, how did that happen? And I always answer…“Well I think it happened with little Birds and Bees and a wild Cinco-De-Mayo that year”.

We created a monster.

A gorgeous one at that!

When we found this out, I was miserable, embarrassed and just down right disappointed. Not only did this little Oopsy not fit into my five year plan, but I was still in college and I had to quit track. There is nothing more awkward than telling your track coach that you got knocked up and can’t compete anymore. “Coach, I wont be coming back to track this year. I sort of have this-let’s call it a disease, that requires me to get fat, crave ridiculous things like pickles and mayo and eventually push out a live human being out of small hole. SO…The whole track thing-yea I just don’t think its going to work out this year. Go Dukes!!”

I’m making a come back when I turn 40.

The only thing that got me through this tough time was the award winning show, 16 and pregnant. Watching that train wreck made me feel better about myself. As I watched faithfully every week, I found that things could be a lot worse. My personal favorite life lesson came from Amber. Amber taught me that beating up your baby-daddy is NOT a good idea. Thank you MTV for that televised inspiration.

During this time I also reflected on why I was so embarrassed to be in this situation. I always wanted to be popular and liked by everyone. I wanted my story to be a successful one, the golden, all American girl themed story, similar to Carrie from Sex in the City. I wanted to be that girl at the party that was just enough fun but never over the top (however, coming from a family with a long history of alcoholism, just enough is really never enough, so that plan went to shit.)

My life took an unconventional path and going through this event, I soon realized that I’m more comfortable with being a tad different than I am with being normal. Like for instance, I had always imagined when it was time for my marriage proposal, it would be this magical thing. Fireworks would sparkle and these guys with guitars would sing and I would look so beautiful because I would have a killer outfit on that night. But remember, I married Boy Ryan and my proposal was anything BUT.

Boy Ryan is the worst at planning things out-Like throws a party and doesn’t remember to pick up the beer-worst. For my proposal, he took me out to go geo-caching. Geo-caching is like a scavenger hunts for adults but way, way nerdy-er. I was about 5 months pregnant at the time and he thought it would be such a great idea to hike up a hilly trail to get to the right spot. Well, after 45 minutes of hiking and a nasty case of swamp ass, we were at the “perfect” spot. He pulled out his GPS Geo-caching app on his phone and told me to follow him down a rocky ledge. This ledge was covered in rocks, steep and slippery. It lead right to the edge of a waterfall-Again, not a good idea to make the woman carrying your child to climb down a ledge.

Actually, thinking about it now, he may have been trying to kill me and thought “if this pregnant girl makes it down this ledge, I’ll propose to her” Well, lucky man that he is, I made it down the hill with my fat self and there he was kneeling, face red and grinning from ear to ear. At that moment, all my fantasies of being proposed to with fireworks and guys with guitars seemed so…blah. This proposal was not the picture I had created in my mind. But you know what, it was so Boy Ryan to do something like that. He wouldn’t think ahead of time that pregnant women couldn’t hike up hills or climb down steep ledges. He wouldn’t think to make sure I wore proper shoes or dressed in pants that wouldn’t show my sweaty ass marks. The whole thing was so funny and backwards that it will always be memorable.

This whole backwards thing has been a hell of a fun ride and I have no idea where it will take us. From this epiphany, I’ve unlocked a great secret that perfection is boring. Because nobody is perfect. If you watch enough 20/20 episodes, you’ll see relationships are not always what they seem.

Such an awkward photo, I had to share it. Of course Boy Ryan looks out of his ring like it’s a telescope.

So with that being said, I write what others are too afraid to admit. I also write because my therapist thinks it’s the best thing for my Adult ADD. But now that you know a little about me, you might understand the perspective I choose to take.

I strongly suggest you stay tuned for part 2 because I am going to have a blast telling you about my husband.

WHO IS THAT BOY RYAN…coming soon.

Tags: 16 and Pregnant, American, Blog, Funny, Girl, Gossip, health, Knocked up, Laugh, Life, Live, Love, Old Parents, Personal, Popular, Ryan, Sex, Sex and the City, Status, Story, The Knot, Thoughts, Wedding