Tag Archives: bloggers

A Message to 20 Somethings From a 20 Something

9 Oct

unico

Do you envision a successful future, similar to the one captured above? Do you consider yourself special compared to other people? Do you want to be someone amazing?

Yes?

Then you are probably a 20 something.

I’m sure we have all heard the bitching that goes on about Generation Y. Lazy, unrealistic and overly hopeful are usually the chosen adjectives when describing this eclectic group of individuals. But who could blame us? We don’t know where we are going in life and we’re fresh out of college, trying to move out of Mom and Dad’s house…I totally get it. Our life is hard and a lot of work.

Let’s not even discuss work. Most of us are coffee runners for hot shots in the big cities. We excel at making copies, setting up calendar invites and stapling together presentations. And what would a company be without the person who knows to how staple projects together; the whole thing would go to shit with loose papers flying everywhere.

To us, it sucks, no body gets a college degree to make copies, yet we continue these jobs to receive, brighter, bigger promotions in the future.

According to the “Old” generations (and yes, I’m calling you people old), we aren’t patient enough and expect promotions immediately. We leave our jobs if we don’t like them and make careers into blogging and posting YouTube videos.

Pathetic, the “Old” crowd says.

And while I don’t necessarily agree with the “Old” generations, I have to say I get where they are coming from. But is it really our fault? Weren’t we raised and mentored by these old people?

 I am different, I am special and I am going to be somebody. My parents, my teachers, my coaches and that purple dinosaur BARNEY always led me to believe this. So why is it when I get into the real world, this same “Old” generation now giggles at my aspirations to be a CEO at 35? The “Old” generation made me and my peers into what we are today; ambitious dreamers looking always looking for the better opportunity.

Nevertheless, I decided to understand the other side of the argument; a way to punch holes in the “Lazy Generation Y” theory. This is how I discovered a select group of individuals who I believe are living in a 20 something fantasy world.

Discovering this not only evoked irritation and made me feel shameful for being among this age group, but also gave me some great material for my first (and probably last) video blog. Feelings this strong, could only be accurately portrayed in the form of a video.

The discovery came when I was perusing Facebook one day. A viral fiasco broke out and of course I needed to investigate the drama myself. A particular blogger (who I won’t say) wrote a post about being a 20 something. She said ludicrous, outlandish and purely naive statements that made my mouth drop to the floor. Of course I would have let the whole thing go if she didn’t happen to draw the attention of other stupid 20 somethings.  90 comments posted on her blog solidified my theory that there are indeed 20 somethings who are a total embarrassment to the rest of us. These are the people who live life in a fairy tale, riding off into rainbows accompanied by Unicorns.

I almost vomited by the out-pouring of comments that read, “You totally understand what I think about on a daily basis”.

Long story short, I created a video blog to share specific parts of the “20 somethings” blog I wasted five minutes of my life on. Of course, I have included my comments and reactions to her pathetic thoughts.

DISCLAIMER: That Girl Ryan is clearly not a movie producer or creator…this will not win an Oscar nor will it be seen as professional video….I am well aware of this.

What have we learned from this?

GENERATION Y’s, specifically the 20’s somethings are not all idiots. Some of us actually have a brain with a mind and will certainly end up being intelligent, contributing members of society. Sure, we may all ride on an Unicorn from time to time  but have no doubt, not all of us are total ass wipes.

And to the “20 something” blogger who decided to broadcast your stupidity to other stupid “20 somethings”…

This is not Disney World and you are not fucking Cinderella…please grow a pair and dis-mount your Unicorn. It’s about time you get with the program.

Toddlers Are Evil

13 Sep

I have been neglecting my blog…I sincerely apologize to those of you who have sent emails asking where I have been. But this little person in my life has been keeping me quite busy lately.

Bingo!! It’s my daughter, who has recently been taking full advantage of being a terrible toddler.

Listen, I have never been a fan of kids, I think they are a lot of work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my own kid and don’t mind the work because shes like a mini version of me, but kids in general…eh.

As my daughter gets older, she teaches me a lot about little people (little people like children, not midgets-but if anyone knows more about midgets, please, educate me.)

Like the fact that infants are boring, babies are adorable and toddlers are evil. No, I’m not kidding, toddlers are fucking evil. Gosh darn they are so cute and seem innocent, but if you live with them, you know what I’m talking about.

Of course some people would disagree, but only because they probably don’t have little ones.

You see, there are two kinds of people in this world; those who have kids and those who don’t. There is a clear distinction. Like the fact that people with children have to have a great sense of humor.

Why? you ask.

Well because chances are they have been peeded on, vomited on and definitely shit on. Would you continue to work a job if someone shit on you? Probably not, yet parents continue.

Take my advice, once someone poops on you and you still love them anyway, you see everything in a different light.

So when my daughter was finally potty trained, I thought we had gotten thru hard times, but like most of my time as a parent, I was proven wrong.

We have entered into the gates of 3-year-old Hell. My bundle of joy is starting to become a hand bag of demons. I know that sounds harsh, but just the other night I had a very interesting conversation with my toddler:

Her: ” I want to tell you something”

Me: “Ok…what?”

Her: “I want to eat your brains”

At first I giggled it off, assuming she said something else that I misinterpreted, but then she came into my bedroom one night, leaned over my bed and said, “Mom, I want to eat your brains“.

What innocent human being says I want to eat your brains? What the hell is that about? All I know if this Zombie thing DOES happen, we know whose side she is going to be on and now I’m considering buying a helmet to wear to bed.

Brains...I mean beans anyone?

Brains…I mean beans anyone?

Found this protective-brain helmet on sale for $9.99!

Found this protective-brain helmet on sale for $9.99!

Speaking of brains, toddler’s think in a very different type of way, borderline OCD. Like when it comes time for hygiene, something my child doesn’t believe in, there is a ritual that must be completed or the whole thing goes to shit.

It took me over 3 months to figure out, but I believe I have it down now:

Step 1: the word “Bath” or “Shower” MUST NOT be mentioned before 7pm; or else she still has energy to fight it.

Step 2: each bath toy, which include: A Ken barbie with chewed feet (kudos to our dog, Levi), two mermaids that are topless (again kudos to Levi) and a rubber duck, must be shown, introduced and placed on the side of the bathtub.

Step 3: DO NOT EVEN ask her to remove clothing by herself. She tries once and screams bloody murder that she can’t get it off and she can’t breathe because its on her body. Even though its been on her body all day-now its extremely constricting. I must remove clothing myself.

Step 4: enter her into the bath slowly, one toe at a time. It doesn’t matter that this procedure takes 5-10 minutes, it must be completed this way.

Step 5: YOU MUST immediately scrub underneath her armpits to make her laugh

Step 6: The drain switch has to be turned on and off by her only-or you will be paying for it all night.

Step 7: Towel must cover all body parts and she must be carried to her room like a “baby” (which means like a small infant).

If you follow these steps, you will have a successful bath.

So when people question why I only wash my kid like 2-3x a week; I tell them to shove it.

And You Thought Rain Man Was Annoying...

And You Thought Rain Man Was Annoying…

I wish that was the worst of it, but we are just getting started. My toddler has made ME and my husband very bad people. Bad because we have had no choice but to become pathological liars. I think I tell at least 10 lies between the time when I arrive home from work and the time I leave for work in the morning.

Explaining simple reason to a 3 or 4 year old is impossible, they don’t accept anything you say as truth because… well… you saw the bath ritual right? Enough said.

So I have to lie about certain things, like when my kid asks me why she can’t sleep in my bed, I tried to explain that it’s not healthy to sleep in bed with your parents. Plus mom and dad like to cuddle, talk about their day and do…other things. Clearly, this answer was not good enough, so i had no choice but to tell her that I have a monster under my bed who might eat her if she sleeps with us. I have yet to be asked that question again.

Here some other bullshit that has worked…

Toddler Question: Why do I have to take a shower?

Parent Answer: Because your hair will get so dirty it will fall out.

Toddler Question: Why do I have to sit in my seat at the restaurant until you and dad are done eating dinner?

Parent Answer: Because the manager will come over and make you wash dishes for the rest of your life.

Toddler Question: Why do I have to stop asking you the question why?

Parent Answer: Because if you don’t I might throw you out the window.

The bottom line is…this shit works. Don’t Judge.

Ain't Nothing Wrong With a Monster under the Bed.

Ain’t Nothing Wrong With a Monster under the Bed.

Ok, Ok, so clearly I am not striving to be the PERFECT parent…but I always hoped to be a decent one that my kid would appreciate. Yet, as she gets older, I can’t help but notice she makes me look like an asshole to complete strangers.

I was always under the impression that it was a parent’s job to embarrass their kids, something I am completely looking forward to, but again, I stand corrected.

I have a toddler that can’t keep secrets and hasn’t learned the rules of “What is said at home, stays at home.”

Before moving to preschool this year, my daughter’s last babysitter was of Asian decent. She has an accent, is about 4’9, around 50 years old and is the cutest woman EVER. My husband and I have a special imitation of her because she is a notable character. Obviously, our impression included an Asian accent. My toddler never took any interest in the impression and never acknowledged that it even existed. So we would do it, frequently at home, for a good laugh.

I think you know where I am going with this, so let me re-inact this classic event…

Scene: Babysitter’s house

When: After work

Who: My Toddler, Me and The Babysitter

Toddler: “Hey Miss babysitter, your Chinese… did you know that?”

Babysitter: “Why yes, I am Chinese how did you know that?”

At this point in the conversation, I immediately recognized that it was too late to stop the train wreck about to happen. For a brief moment, I considering running out the door, never to return.

Toddler: “Because my mom and dad said you walk and talk like this…hong kong chong ching fhong…”

The feeling of embarrassment from that moment surpassed anything I had ever felt in my entire lifetime.

That crazy kid said what?!

That crazy kid said what?!

So what have we learned so far, My kid is 3 and she’s devious. Sure, I think that’s a fair assessment, but what’s worse is that she is smart, WAY too smart for her own good.

I love shopping and treat myself every now and again to expensive purchases…like shoes. From previous experiences, I have learned not to bring my kid with me to the mall when I can help it. But this one particular time, i needed some new shoes and brought her along.
All went well until she announced that she had to throw up…like throw up right NOW.

Now, there is an innate parental reaction when your child says these words. You grab the first bag you can find or scurry over to the nearest trashcan. Not wanting another bad parenting scandal, I raced her out of the store to avoid vomit chunks landing on any articles of clothing and leaned her over the nearest mall trashcan. Not only did I look trashy as hell, but I was screaming at her to throw up IN the trashcan. I then realized that chances were, my kid’s vomiting aim was no where near the skill of a post-college adult and would need a second vomit barrier than just the trashcan. So in my moment of panic, I threw my $190 pair of heels on to the mall hallway floor so I could use the bag as a catcher.

As I lifted her up to throw up in the bag over the trashcan, I noticed a variety of silent bystanders watched in total disbelief; disbelief over the fact that an expensive pair of shoes were lying in the middle of the mall floor or that I was holding my 3 year old over a public trashcan. As I braced myself for the upheaval of a chicken finger lunch, my daughter started laughing hysterically and said, “Got you mom. I don’t have to throw up!”

I went home that night and Googled; Is Parent-Abuse a real thing?

Guess what, It is.

Puke Happens.

Puke Happens.

So the point of this is to show you the kinds of shit I do in my free time- hold my kid over public trashcans and worry about her eating my brain. But also, that the real life lessons you learn are from Toddlers. So pay attention America, I think we all could take a little direction from these tiny demons.

Now all of you need to go and thank your mothers for putting up with all your shit.

There She Is...and SASS is her middle name.

There She Is…and SASS is her middle name.

The Awkward Finalists are…

23 Jul

Thank you every one for your participation in the Awkward Photo Contest!

Your entries were not only entertaining, but seeing your awkward photos made me feel better about myself, so thank you.

Just to re-cap…

canvas_photos_logo

Thanks to our friends at Easy Canvas our winner will receive a FREE 8×10 picture canvas of their choice!

AND just for entering…all participants will receive a 60% off coupon at Easy Canvas…and 60% goes a long way because they have FREE SHIPPING..who doesn’t love free shipping?

 

Voting Rules:

1. View All the photos

2. Enter your vote in the Poll below

3. Voting Ends on Friday, July 26th

So, let’s get to it…Envelope Please…And Your Awkward Finalists Are…

1. “Dude, Smell my finger”

gross finger

2. “Baby wants to know…what the hell is with the red hat?”

Baby wants to know what the hell's with the hat

3. “Little Woman, BIG Chair”big chair

4. “Coolio and the White-Gang”rycolas

5. “Forest Groupies”

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6. “Bundle? WE ALL BUNDLE”Family Pic

Vote below on the poll!

I’m An Award Winning Blogger!

19 Jul

Liebster-Award

The Liebster award is for NEW bloggers. It’s a way to say, Hey, we know you just started your blog which is why nobody reads it-but hang in there, someone thinks its special.

Well, thank you Marissa from Front Porches and Candlelight for being that someone, I’m truly honored. Marissa described my blog as, “Sometimes raunchy, always funny” and Marissa, I couldn’t of said it any better myself.  Honestly, I’m actually shocked to know that someone reads this shit…you must be as twisted as I am. Marissa is a super-duper blogger who has TWO blogs; one for writing and one for photography. Plus, shes exotic (shes from Panama).

Now, I believe I have to fulfill some requirements in order to officially accept this stellar award so here we go…

11 Random Things about That Girl Ryan

1. I’ve lived in 4 states

2. My belly-button is an innie-outtie (I know your jealous, get over it)

3. I could live off of sushi and white wine (really just wine, but I don’t want to sound like an alcoholic)

4. My plan in life is to be a famous comedic writer. My second plan is to start my own business and my third plan, if all else fails, is to be a stripper.

5. I hate wearing thongs

6. The thought of chewing on a paper napkin always makes me cringe

7. I should have grown up in the 60’s

8. I believe in aliens

9. This is my special physical talent: (I have yet to meet anyone that can do it-I’ll give $10 to the person who can)

photo

10. I have a soft spot in my heart for Senior Citizens and the midget from Game of Thrones.

11. My weird attraction: Vince Vaughn

Questions Given to Me:

  1. Beer or wine or neither? Definitely Wine
  2. Favorite movie and why? Hunger Games. I want to be Katniss and make-out with Peeta.
  3. If you could have a whole day to yourself, how would you spend it? Shopping-Drinking-Laughing ALL Day
  4. Greatest regret?  Being Shy
  5. Biggest accomplishment? Sticking to something…this blog!
  6. What’s your first thing people notice about you? My smile or my ass, which ever one is facing the same direction.
  7. Guilty pleasure? Smoking cigarettes (I know its bad! That’s why they call it GUILTY pleasure!!)
  8. Finish this sentence: I hate it when _____People give fake hugs!
  9. What was your first job? Waitress at Stewart’s Rootbeer
  10. If there was a quote you could live by, what would it be? “It’s never too late to be what you might have been”- I forget who said that.
  11. Favorite take-out food? Sushi

And The Nominees Are…..

1. I am Who I Am: Funny and deep all in the same line! This blogger has it all…I love reading this blog, because its thought provoking. Plus, we think alike 🙂

2. Mental in the Midwest: Just found MaMa’s blog recently and love her honesty. Keep it up!

Questions for Nominees…

1. Cats or Dogs?

2. Biggest Pet Peeve?

3. Weird habit?

4. Secret Talent?

5. Stuck on an island with Oprah or Barbara Walters? Why?

6. Why do you blog?

7. Favorite invention?

8. Most embarrassing moment?

9. Whats the weirdest thing that makes you laugh?

10. Team Edward or Team Jacob? (this could be a deal breaker for some people)

11. What’s one suggestion you would make for That Girl Ryan (blogger to blogger)

The Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you and include a link back to their blog.
  • List 11 random facts about yourself.
  • Answer the 11 questions given to you.
  • Create 11 questions for the bloggers you nominate.
  • Choose bloggers with 200 or fewer followers to nominate and include links to their blogs.
  • Go to each bloggers’ page and let them know you have nominated them

Congrats again and have fun with this!!

Green with Envy, The Jafees

16 May

When I started blogging, I thought I was THE SHIT..Like super-star potential awesome…I hear this is a common symptom in the Generation Y age groups. But then I started reading other people’s blogs (OPB).  And they make me sick with their talent, humor and amusing stories-yuck.

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

This morning, Go Jules Go, granted 6 bloggers the Jafee award.

The Jafees! is given out to bloggers by bloggers. Jafee stands for “Jealous As F***” . This award symbolizes that someone out there-creepy blog readers like me– Are jealous of other bloggers ideas and talents.

I like it, its about time we are start sharing our resentful tendencies with one another. So instead of sitting here at my computer, thinking of how much I hate my favorite bloggers (because I’m just envious that I didn’t think of their ideas) I’ve decided to be the bigger person and let my favorite bloggers know that their talent pisses me off and to tone it down-give other people a chance to shine, god dammit.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

564472_129960310497100_1659563866_n1. Don of All Trades

I’m so jealous of Don.

Don is this guy that- I assume is pretty old- but he makes parenting look cool…Do you know how hard it is to make parenting look cool? The snot, the tantrums and the vomit…he makes it all look glamorous.

All his kids have these nifty nicknames…especially the one called “G$”. I’d give my left arm to be called “G$“. Secretly, I think hes the male, much older, version of me…He’s got ADD, talks trashy AND clearly likes to drink…definitely my type of blogger. Go ahead Don, keep being amazing, I dare ya.

coffee_pic2. The Jiggly Bits

Teeny Bikini is fucking hysterical. There is just no way other way to put it-the girl makes me pee my pants laughing. Her perspective on life and UN-matched sarcasm is enough to make any gal look mediocre. Every week, I wait by my email like a loser, ready for her next adventurous post- especially if it has to do with her RAD-Cat licking nipples. Girlfriend-you rock.

I'm pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

I’m pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

3. Go Jules Go

Who isn’t jealous of Go Jules Go? She’s like the popular girl in high school that everybody wants to be. She’s blonde, funny AND can rock a stache better than any guy I know. When I first started my blogging journey less than 4 months ago, I frequently would visit Jule’s blog. This chick has like 5 husbands and has a dog named Uncle Jesse. Seriously- your perfect life makes me vomit.

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4. The Jittery Goat

Kenton Lewis is nothing but pure talent. He is always the first to post on WordPress’s The Daily Post and that just boils my blood. Most days, I have to do this thing…its called work… and can’t participate, but Kenton Lewis  has his post written and perfected five minutes after the topic is released…What The Hell Kenton? Either this dude is a mind reader or he’s just that talented. Plus, his mom is 99  and he is a published author…I just can’t handle it.

962937_10151385866695588_352634079_nlogo5. Small Chick, Big Deals

Sara is a personal friend of mine from college. I knew her when she began her blog and have watched it take off into a huge success. Her restaurant reviews and connections with local spots in New Jersey is enough to make anybody cringe with envy. She gets free clothes from clothing boutiques AND free food. Plus, she is one of those skinny girls that will never get fat-no matter what she eats. UGH Annoying.

If your a blogger…spread the jealousy!! This award can be given to anyone-by anyone! Rules HERE.

What bloggers are so freaking annoyingly- awesome that you want to give them a Jafee?

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Stories of men and women in their twenties

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King of States!

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.

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