That Girl Ryan

This topic was inspired by a writing challenge that was posted on WordPress.com last Friday.

The Prompt:

This week’s writing challenge: Tell us about a character in your life. It could be your best friend, your partner, your child, or even your third grade teacher. With as much detail as possible, make this person real for us. Tell us more than what they look like or how you met. Let us know what their laugh sounds like, or that oddball quirk that makes this person so unique.

After reading this, one person in my life immediately came to mind….

The Man of the Hour

Coming into this world, you don’t get choose much. Your parents, your home, your siblings…they usually just come with the main package of birth. Sometimes I wonder that maybe each of us are placed strategically in an environment to learn valuable life lessons from those around us. Well, let me tell you, this particular person has taught me a lot about life, in a variety of interesting ways.

This character at first glance is very normal looking, brown eyes with blondish hair (blonde from sun-in, but he would never admit that) his height is nothing to gawk at and neither is his weight; the one thing that makes this character in my life so unique is his mind. This character has the most interesting perspectives I have ever heard, his thoughts and theories would crumble a grown man’s entire moral structure (in a good way) with one in-depth discussion because you just can’t predict what this guy is going to say next.

Let me put it to you this way; I’ve known the man my entire life and still can’t figure that fucker out.

You just haven’t lived until you have spent some time with my dad.

My dad is a born and breed jersey boy, but not the Guido type. He is still married to my mother, lord help him and has three girls, the best being his eldest daughter, me of course.

Ever since I was a wee-toddler, I have always found him fascinating. His mind works in ways that I don’t think Stephan Hawke could keep up with and he has more conspiracy theories than Jesse Ventura. He is just THAT interesting.

So, let’s all try and understand my dad, maybe you can figure him out. 

Andy’s Advice 

My dad gives some killer advice. His advice does not come in long winded speeches or rants; His advice comes out of nowhere and is never up for discussion. He literally will walk into a room, delivers the line and exits (no questions please). You just take it for what its worth and move on.

My top 5 favorite Andy Advice lines:

1. If you ever do something bad and get caught, don’t ever admit to it. Even if you get caught red-handed, you LIE and LIE and never admit it was you.(age 12)
2. Police are all pigs, they are out to screw you over. Don’t ever trust a cop, I can’t stand them. (age 17)
3. Listen Ryan, I’ve done a lot in my life and I am all for trying everything once. Seriously, try it all once but always, no matter what, always make sure you wrap the “Tool” before having fun. (age 16)
4. When I die, I am going to visit you as a ghost, don’t be all scared…because then I will just screw with you and make you scared. (age 20)
5. You only get about 80 solid years on this earth, so you might as well have a good time while you’re here. (age 23)

Andy’s Spirituality

My dad has always been interested in the supernatural and unexplained phenomenon. When my friends come over, the only rule I asked them to follow with my dad is to NOT ask/talk/mention anything related to ghost, psychic or orbs. They can talk about drugs, sex and rock and roll, but please -NO supernatural shit.

My dad’s particular interest is orbing (catching ghost energy in pictures). According to some ghost hunters, a person’s energy never really disappears, even after they die. Their energy is attracted to other energy which is why if you take a picture, orbs can be present in the photo.

Orbs

When I was younger, about 10, he would pick me up from soccer practice and tell me that we are making a pit stop before heading home. I would get so excited thinking we were going to get ice cream but you know where the pit stop was? In a fucking graveyard. My dad would go to the graveyard with his camera so he could get photo evidence of  spirits. He would actually make me get out of the car and be in his pictures to “attract” the spirits. I am no expert in parenting, but using your child as ghost bate doesn’t seem to be very orthodox.

One time, my family actually took an orbing vacation to Gettysburg on the anniversary of the Gettysburg battle. Yes, courtesy of Andy, we spent 4 days romping around the battlefields at night taking pictures to catch orbs.

I remember going back to school after summer vacation…

“So Ryan, I went to the Bahamas over summer break, what did you do?!”

“I went ghost hunting with my family in graveyards”

That is a great transition into my dad’s next fascination, psychics. Have you ever heard of Edgar Cayce? Well he is a famous psychic that wrote a bunch of books on futuristic prophecies, past life predictions and holistic ways to cure sicknesses. Needless to say my dad has always been a loyal fan. He has even tried some of these holistic treatments to cure my family…

Got a Problem? Andy’s got an answer for that!

Nagging Cough?
Andy’s Answer: take an empty barrel, fill it with apple brandy and breathe in the fumes with short tube.
You want to know how embarrassing it is to have your friends come over and your entire family is inhaling fumes from a barrel full of apple brandy? No, because I bet your dad would simply go down the street for some fucking Robitussin.

Hair loss?

Andy’s Answer: Crude Oil!

Crude Oil comes from god knows where, it smells like rubber and engulfs the entire house in that exact smell. My dad would bathe his head in this shit, every other day for months to encourage his hair follicles to grow. But it gets worse…He would force me to look at his “bald spot” –located on the back of his head-and tell him his hair was growing back.

“Ryan, come here. Look at my head. Is there more hair there?”

“Dad, It looks no different from last week”

“What the fuck do you  mean? Yes there is your not looking hard enough, look again”

“Dad, I don’t see anything. I have to go”

But even if you do tell him you see the hair growth, that’s never good enough, he must see the proof for himself. My sister actually found a folder on his computer of “Bald Spot” pictures. He would take pictures of his bald spot, upload them on his computer so he could analyze the growth himself.

I would assume most dad’s have a secret folder of porn pictures on their computer; mine has a secret folder of “hair re-growth” pictures on his.

Diabetes?

Andy’s Answer: Jerusalem Artichokes.

This year when my 9 year old sister was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, (the kind that’s in-curable), guess who had the cure?! Modern medicine? No, of course not because brilliant doctors have no idea what they are doing. But Andy knows just the trick, Jerusalem Artichokes. My dad suggested that my sister stop taking insulin and just eat Jerusalem Artichokes to cure her diabetes, but unfortunately, my mother put a stop to that plan.

Famous Andy Pranks

My dad’s pranks have left lasting scars on my development as a competent adult.

1. When I was 6, sometimes my mom would go on business trips. My dad would take of advantage of the lack of parental authority and let me watch movies such as Freddy Krueger, Chucky, and Poltergeist.

Ok, so I can live with little kids watching scary movies, but he would take it a step further. He would hide in my room, preferably in a dark corner and put on his Freddy Kruger mask from Halloween. When I would walk into my room and turn on the lights, SURPRISE Freddy Kruger, the child killing machine would be there to greet me. He always found this hilarious and never could understand why I am still scared of the dark at the age of 24. Thanks Dad for the heart-restart.

Imagine this beauty hiding in your room

2. Fast forward a few years later, age 9, and my family went on a camping trip. My dad runs down to the local grocery and invited me to come along. While we was in the store, I found a playground and asked my dad to let me know when he was leaving. About 10 minutes later as I was on the swings, I see my dad’s car drive off. I immediately start to race after the car, waving my hands and screaming to my dad. The car continued down the street, turned the corner and disappeared. I sat for a moment to take in what had just happened, my dad left me at a gas station and I started to hysterically cry.  About 6-8 minutes later, the car returned and I see my dad laughing his ass off.

“Ryan, the look on your face was priceless! Hahaha that was so funny, you actually thought I left you. I was just playing a joke, get in the car, And- O and don’t tell your mother”

Andy’s War on Technology

At home, my dad is always on the computer, probably re-analyzing his bald spot pictures. When you ask him what he is doing, he immediately responds with “Im doing some work”. But you know what he is really doing? He is reading about  holistic medicine therapies, researching UFO sightings, and surfing on facebook.

Andy has more friends on facebook than I do. You know why? Because he has friended all of my friends. I actually have been at a party and overheard two of my friends chatting,

“O, so I saw your friends on facebook with that guy Andy; who the hell is he?”

“I dunno, I saw he was friends will all my facebook friends so I just accepted his request.”

I refuse to inform these people that, that guy “Andy” is my dad because at the end of the day, he will always be that guy who “likes” your post.  Even if you posted the dumbest thing on facebook, Andy will “Like” the post and make you feel special, so its better, I guess, he friends everyone. 

Want to friend Andy? Here’s his profile…just be careful, he might find you first: https://www.facebook.com/andrew.olexson?ref=ts&fref=ts

AutoCorrect

Once My dad asked me to take off the auto correct on his cell phone because it messed up his text messages.

“Why do you want me to take it off dad?

“Because I can’t spell certain words. Like for instance, yesterday I went to spell Farkle and it kept auto-correcting to the word, Sparkle”

I’m no spelling-bee winner, but what the fuck is farkle? Is that a real word, can you use it in a sentence? Who texts the word farkle?

Well I looked it up….

Just a typical Saturday night playing FARKLE!

The back-extension machine

One weekend my dad was MIA. He was locked up in the garage and nobody knew what he was up to. Then on Sunday night, he came upstairs and you could tell he was very proud of himself. He grabbed a drink of water and went back downstairs. I assumed that he had finished his project so I followed him a few minutes after to snoop and see what he was up to.

I open the door to the garage and saw my dad hanging from the ceiling, upside down like a bat in a cave. I looked up to the ceiling and realized he had taken his old roller blades and made them shoe-hooks. These hooks, were attached to an anchor on a piece of wood that was nailed into the ceiling.

“God dammit ryan, shut the door! I am fixing my back!”

“fixing your back? Your hanging from the ceiling! What is the point of that?”

“I read on the internet that this helps your back, now get out. O, and don’t tell your mom, she will get all psycho and tell me I’m weird”

Yes, the man created a home-back extension machine in his own garage. You have got to give him kudos for the idea…

Doomsday wannabe prep-per

Have you ever seen that show “DoomsDay Prepper?” My dad is borderline qualified to be on this show. Him and my mother went through a mid-life crisis and they did not buy a red convertible or get a younger girlfriend or boyfriend, they started prepping.

Step 1: The developed a “ trash composite” site in their backyard

Step 2: They bought a generator

Step 3: They began eating weird plants like “Wheat grass” and Chi Seeds

Step 4: They dug up the entire yard to put in public water system so they can save their well water for a “disaster”

Step 5: They hoard enough fire wood to heat the neighborhood

Step 6: They started lecturing my siblings and I about the end of the world and their plan of action

Step 7: My dad started researching on the internet all the possibilities that could result in a doomsday situation and the many things he needs to do to prepare for each.

Step 8: When Hurricane Irene hit, a lot of the transformers in the town started to explode and gave off a bright green light. My parents insisted these were not transformers, but aliens landing on earth.

Dooms Day Preppers, Meet Andy.

He could survive any disaster.

So yes, when your born you don’t choose your parents and I’m so glad I got stuck with mine. My dad may be a little off center, but he’s quite an interesting character and if you know my dad, you are just as lucky as I am.

And Dad, if your reading this…I already know what you’re thinking,

“This whole post is full of shit. I DO NOT take pictures of my bald spot”

Well, the entire world knows that you really do. But dad, do us all a favor- don’t ever change a thing, I love you just the weird way that you are.

Tags: aliens, American, bald, Blog, dad, DPChallenge, edgar cayce, Facebook, freddy kruger, friends, Funny, ghosts, Girl, Gossip, hair, hair regrowth, health, holistic medicine, Humor, iphone, jesse ventura, Laugh, Life, Live, Love, orbs, Personal, psychics, Ryan, Status, stephan hawke, text messages, Thoughts, ufos, Weekly Writing Challenge, Women