Tag Archives: Walmart

Joba & Me…My College Experience With One of Life’s Worst Dog

3 May

Throwback Thursday… Blog Style!!

I wrote this back in my college days/Pre -That Girl Ryan, about my beloved Joba. Just when I think my dog drives me nuts, I am reminded by this post just how bad he used to be…Originally Featured on www.Internqueen.com

Me and My Man

Me and My Man

His name is Joba; Joba like the baseball player; no relation to Joba-da-hut. He cost me $40, and yes that $40 bucks changed my whole perspective on life. He was a little piece of hell with paws, wrapped in a soft coat and topped off with the cutest floppy ears I have ever seen. I fell for it, but I am here to tell you my experience so that you will not be fooled like I was.

Seriously, could you blame me?

Look at him...Melt

How could you not want this fuzzy mess?

How could you not want this fuzzy mess?

These are 9 things you need to know before you get a dog in college:

1.      When you see an ad like this:

Border collie/mix puppies. $40

Call 555-990-4569

You are paying for what you get. There is a reason why puppies are meant to cost hundreds of dollars, because they are from reputable breeders, not farmers who have 13 children and live in total isolation. My vet had informed me at one of Joba’s checkups that he has been mixed with Border collie and Virginian wolf, a type of dog that is not meant to be domesticated. She also alluded to that fact that he is probably a result of heavy inbreeding. Great, welcome to The Hills Have Eyes part Dog. 

2.     When you run out of money and food in college your dog can not live off of Ramen Noodles like you can. They enjoy inhaling it down at the moment, but hours later, you will have a Ramen Noodle upchuck display that definitely does not add to the aesthetics of your room.

3.     Dogs are addicted to chocolate. One veterinarian told me that chocolate to dogs is like heroin to humans. I witnessed this first hand when I came home to my roommate hysterically crying and yelling at my dog for eating all 30 of his Chocolate chip cookies. He then continued to tell me that my dog needed to get help and he was absolutely hopeless. That intervention would put the A&E channel to shame.

4.      Professors don’t care that your dog keeps you up at night. One example is the Joba Chocolate Explosion of 2009; I remember it like it was yesterday…

ME: “The reason I cant turn in my assignment today is due to the fact I was up all night cleaning the ceiling of my bathroom because my dog ate a full chocolate bunny that I got for Easter. I could have done the assignment this morning but I spent all morning perplexed as to how he managed to get throw-up on the ceiling. So, can I have an extension?”

PROFESSOR: “Good try, NO.”

Nope that excuse doesn’t work, it’s better to stick with “my printer broke.”

5.      They enjoy shoes and have expensive tastes. The one day you forget to shut your closet door, you will come home to a Prada and Vera Wang battle field. Your dog will be the only one who has survived and is still intact, but Vera and Prada will have seen better days. When this happens, do not cry on your bed for hours thinking of ways to paint over the teeth marks or try to super glue the strap back on, just let them rest in peace.

6.     They never behave themselves at other people’s houses. Just when you think that your dog is having fun at your best friend’s place you receive a text that reads,” your dog crapped all over my house, including the stairs and walls. I think its time for Joba to go home.” That is a sure way to put a damper on the night.

Took him three years to put a single paw in the water...we have come a long way

Took him three years to put a single paw in the water…we have come a long way

7.     Dogs don’t mix well with messy roommates. You never know who is responsible for what mess. Many times there might be trash all over the place and you start to wonder if the dog got into it, or your roommate decided to finally clean his room. There was one time in particular that my dog got into a box of hot chocolate mix, and being a coco addict, completely ripped the packets all over my roommate’s bed. My roommate did not notice until three days later when he went to put on the clothes he had been using as a blanket on his bed.

8.     Dogs riding in a car never turns out well. Now you may get a dog that sits nicely in the front seat and stares out the window but I of course did not have that kind of luck. My dog has what is called travel anxiety and drools and farts uncontrollably in the car. Usually at the end of any kind of car excursion, I typically end up with one of two scenarios; people telling me my dog should be checked for rabies due to the foam around his mouth or a lingering rancid odor and floor full of what I call Joba’s Mixture; drool, snot and spit.

9.     There are paybacks. Don’t think that I have let my dog completely get away with all of his shenanigans; I make sure he is embarrassed every now and again with making him wear a hideous sweater or a rain coat, but the best time of the year is when Halloween rolls around. What Joba doesn’t know is that the amount of doggie costumes are endless and I always pick out the most glamorous one; this year it was a turtle. Yes, I paraded him around campus in a bright green shell topped off with an adorable hat that had two bulging eyes at the top. The costume turtle shell also restricted his leg movement which forced him to pee in a squatting motion, just like a girl dog.  O, the sweet revenge.

Jobacostume

He really is starting to love this costume

So, if I haven’t scared you enough and you still are considering getting a dog in college, then this last piece will make you feel a little better. Dogs are loyal to the core; they don’t care what you wear or what you really think about that professor who assigns 7 page papers. All they want is your attention and to give you their unconditional love. At times dogs test your patience and make you look like a complete fool, but I assure you that their antics will always make you laugh and keep you on your toes. So if you’re up for the challenge of raising a dog, than good luck! Just remember to be totally prepared for anything and I mean ANYTHING.

The Best Worst Decision Ever Made.

The Best Worst Decision Ever Made.

Chuck E Cheese…A Place Where You Can Beat Your Kid!

24 Feb
My mind is forever ruined

My mind is forever ruined

I brought my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese; once a childhood favorite past time, now a memory I wish to forget. I spent 45 minutes in Chuck E. Cheese and to be completely honest, I haven’t felt that many emotions all at once since the first time I tried Hard Liquor.

Casting Call!!!

Casting Call!!!

At first glance, I couldn’t tell if I was in a Chuck E Cheese or in a casting call for MTV’s show 16 and pregnant. There were so many pregger teens, that I began to think perhaps these girls had so much fun here as a child, they couldn’t wait to come back. Almost like a Chuck E. Cheese pregnancy pack. Maybe they came here to get used to all the annoying children screaming and crying. Or maybe they came to learn how to properly discipline their children. I have never seen so many instances of child abuse in one area. Parents were beating their kids left and right. A Smack here, a spank there. It was so bad I started to wonder if Chuck E. Cheese should consider a different tag line;

Chuck E. Cheese, A place where a kid can be a kid you can beat your kid

Moving through the crowds of people I noticed that Addison stuck out like a sore thumb. Here we have this little white girl with bright blue eyes, blonde hair and a matching outfit from the Gap (she also had a bright bow in her hair to top it off). I felt like I stuck a sign on her that read, “Your right, I’m not on welfare” and of course Addison had the attitude to go along with that invisible sign. If all these kids were older, Addison would have been asking for a beat down.

We made our way over to the games and I quickly realized I had entered the front lines of a war. Being the civil person that I am, I waited my turn for every game, however, rules do not apply in Chuck E. Cheese. Every single line rule was thrown out the window; it was a straight free-for all.

Now, there is only so much line cutting a person can take before they snap and I believe Boy Ryan was at that point when I spotted an open game…I decided to move quickly on it.

This Meant War

This Meant War

Mama Bird to Papa Bird, I’m seeing a vacancy at the “Fishing Boat” Game. Look at your 3 o clock… Over”

“Papa Bird copies that, let’s make our move… Over”

We scooped up Addison and B-lined, and  ran over to the game before anyone else saw the opportunity.  We put in the coin to start the game and this little boy- we will call him Little Jose -walked up and helped himself to the game. He just started hitting buttons and completely took over. Addison was immediately turned off by the intruder and I shrugged my shoulders in defeat. But, Boy Ryan hit his breaking point. He bent down to get on the level of Little Jose, who by the way couldn’t have been more than 5 years of age:

“Hey, its not your turn. Its her turn so you need to wait in line”

“Como se?”

“Como se, it’s NOT YOUR TURN”

“Te Llama?”

Boy Ryan rolls his eyes and scoots the boy to the side of the game so Addison can play.

“Look, Kid, Not your turn. Her Turn. Comprehende? Adios” He turns back to Addison and I.

Can you believe that? The nerve, I almost lost my shit”

After about ten minutes we realized that playing any game was a total suicide mission,  so we moved our way over to the tunnels and slides.

This used to be my favorite part of Chuck E. Cheese. I have never been a big game-er so I spent most of my time crawling in and out of those tunnels. I wanted more than anything for her to try them out. But you must know, my daughter lives in a bubble. Not because I am an overprotective parent, but because she is the most cautious child I have ever met. She thinks the fire alarm in our house is a danger to her.

“Addison, look how fun those tunnels look! You should try it!”

“Mom, I am too little for those tunnels, maybe next year. I really just want a balloon.”

I was so disappointed to hear that… I may or may not had promised a balloon in return for a trip through the tunnels. At the time I did not see this as bribing my kid, I saw it as parenting. They are more or less the same exact thing.

Addison looked at the tunnels above her, then at the balloons, then at me, “Ok, ill go”.

As she reached the last platform, a large child pushed past her almost knocking her down the stairs. My instinct kicked in and I walked over to exchange words with this little fatty.

How dare he push her, does he not understand that one tumble down those steps will make Addison’s bubble a cement case? She will never want to leave the house again.

Would you want to mess with Aunt Jemima?

Would you want to mess with Aunt Jemima?

But then I caught a glimpse of his mother. This lady looked like Aunt Jemima’s evil twin sister. Taking one look at this woman, I decided it was best to let Addison fend for herself, it was about time that kid held her own.

Addison finally made it to the last platform and entered into the tunnels. Boy Ryan and I tried to follow her shadow above us as she crawled through the tubes, but soon lost sight of her. I panicked and realized this was a very bad idea, worst than my idea of wearing penguin underwear to a back massage session.

It had been years since I went into those tunnels but I remembered the dangers, shit can hit the fan real fast. When you come to a fork in the tunnel and spot an older, much larger child barreling down in your direction, you better turn and crawl your little ass as fast as possible or you will be road kill.  All I could imagine was Addison learning that lesson the hard way. Great, I just sent my kid into hand-to-hand combat all because I promised a fucking Chuck E. Cheese Balloon…

Boy Ryan interrupted my thoughts, “Do you see her?”

“No, do you?!”

“No, Jesus Ryan why did you let her go in there? I would have never let her go. Do you not remember how crazy, shit can get in those things?”

“What, she wanted to go in there, she is growing up you know she can do stuff like this. She isn’t a baby”

Yes, the look of anxiety

Yes, the look of anxiety

As Boy Ryan and I frantically raced back and forth trying to find Addison, I overheard another mother say to her husband, “Aw look, they must be newbies.  Remember how frantic we were the first time Johnny went into those tunnels? Thank gosh he only came out with a black eye!”

I should have bribed her into watching that dancing rat on stage, Chuck E. Cheese himself. At least it was a safe place where I could explain that the big rat is the last person to worry about in this cluster fuck.

The only thing Addison had going for her was her vast experience with Dora The Explorer. She definitely knows enough conversational Spanish to make a friend in those tunnels.

Finally we spotted Addison being led by a little girl, not too much older than herself. I assumed Addison trusted the little girl because she resembled a chubby version of Dora the Explorer.  Addison popped up in one of the glass cubes and waved to us, pointing to her Dora friend. I breathed a sigh of relief… ok, she is still alive….

mail.google.com1 mail.google.com

As the little girl walked Addison back to us, we quickly put on her shoes and decided it was time to move on to our last resort, the rides.

So , once again we waited in our invisible line and watched as people cut us over and over. I finally started to lower my behavior to a barbaric level and push my way onto a horse ride, but these two children beat me to it and Addison missed her chance again. Frustrated, I sighed and was just about to yell when I see the two kids Baby Mama walk over with her additional 4 kids in tow.

So I say (in the nicest voice possible), “Um, Hi, excuse me we were waiting in line…”

“You what? You was waiting in line? I didn’t see nobody in line, they ain’t no lines in Chuckee-Cheese.”

Yes apparently there aren’t any lines, but we have been patiently waiting here for about 15 minutes now. My daughter really wants to ride the horse, don’t you sweetie?” I turned to Addison.

Of course Addison completely throws me under the bus. “No, I want to ride the butterfly, I don’t want the horse”. I quickly shift my eyes to Boy Ryan who is pretending to be on his phone.

Thanks Guys, just sacrifice me to the angry Baby Mama. I will remember this moment when I’m doing your laundry tomorrow.

Baby Mama yells louder, “I’m sorry, there something you want to say to me? Cuz im listening.”

220px-CarterIIII searched my brain for something quick to say and my eyes landed on the little baby, Baby Mama was holding. Like every small infant in Chuck E. Cheese, this baby had the sharpest Timberland Boots with a collared shirt and fuzzy black hair. How cute!

This place must be where Lil’ Wayne found the baby on the front of his Tha Carter III CD album. There are tons of them here.

“ Hey, lady, Im listening…”

Call it fear or call it being the bigger person, but I was not about to throw down with this lady over a fucking pony ride. I’m usually not above a lot, but I am above brawling in a Chuck E. Cheese.

“That’s Ok, we were just about to leave”

“Damn Right you was”

So we left, rather quickly.

With my ego in one hand and a balloon in the other, I am not too proud to say that Chuck E. Cheese kicked my ass.

Chuck E. Cheese- 1      That Girl Ryan-0

Leaving the building, I don’t know who was more scarred; Boy Ryan, Me or Addison. Chuck E. Cheese, you have completely let yourself go, Zero Fun.

O, and on a side note…I have made an executive decision that Chuck E. Cheese and Walmart are now on the same status level. There are now officially TWO places where the creatures from the depths of the earth gather and hang out. That place is a total hot bed of society mis-fits.

With that, I will not be returning to Chuck E. Cheese anytime soon.

Adios,  you dancing rat.

Shear Disappointment Chuck E. Cheese

Shear Disappointment Chuck E. Cheese

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