Chuck E Cheese…A Place Where You Can Beat Your Kid!

24 Feb
My mind is forever ruined

My mind is forever ruined

I brought my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese; once a childhood favorite past time, now a memory I wish to forget. I spent 45 minutes in Chuck E. Cheese and to be completely honest, I haven’t felt that many emotions all at once since the first time I tried Hard Liquor.

Casting Call!!!

Casting Call!!!

At first glance, I couldn’t tell if I was in a Chuck E Cheese or in a casting call for MTV’s show 16 and pregnant. There were so many pregger teens, that I began to think perhaps these girls had so much fun here as a child, they couldn’t wait to come back. Almost like a Chuck E. Cheese pregnancy pack. Maybe they came here to get used to all the annoying children screaming and crying. Or maybe they came to learn how to properly discipline their children. I have never seen so many instances of child abuse in one area. Parents were beating their kids left and right. A Smack here, a spank there. It was so bad I started to wonder if Chuck E. Cheese should consider a different tag line;

Chuck E. Cheese, A place where a kid can be a kid you can beat your kid

Moving through the crowds of people I noticed that Addison stuck out like a sore thumb. Here we have this little white girl with bright blue eyes, blonde hair and a matching outfit from the Gap (she also had a bright bow in her hair to top it off). I felt like I stuck a sign on her that read, “Your right, I’m not on welfare” and of course Addison had the attitude to go along with that invisible sign. If all these kids were older, Addison would have been asking for a beat down.

We made our way over to the games and I quickly realized I had entered the front lines of a war. Being the civil person that I am, I waited my turn for every game, however, rules do not apply in Chuck E. Cheese. Every single line rule was thrown out the window; it was a straight free-for all.

Now, there is only so much line cutting a person can take before they snap and I believe Boy Ryan was at that point when I spotted an open game…I decided to move quickly on it.

This Meant War

This Meant War

Mama Bird to Papa Bird, I’m seeing a vacancy at the “Fishing Boat” Game. Look at your 3 o clock… Over”

“Papa Bird copies that, let’s make our move… Over”

We scooped up Addison and B-lined, and  ran over to the game before anyone else saw the opportunity.  We put in the coin to start the game and this little boy- we will call him Little Jose -walked up and helped himself to the game. He just started hitting buttons and completely took over. Addison was immediately turned off by the intruder and I shrugged my shoulders in defeat. But, Boy Ryan hit his breaking point. He bent down to get on the level of Little Jose, who by the way couldn’t have been more than 5 years of age:

“Hey, its not your turn. Its her turn so you need to wait in line”

“Como se?”

“Como se, it’s NOT YOUR TURN”

“Te Llama?”

Boy Ryan rolls his eyes and scoots the boy to the side of the game so Addison can play.

“Look, Kid, Not your turn. Her Turn. Comprehende? Adios” He turns back to Addison and I.

Can you believe that? The nerve, I almost lost my shit”

After about ten minutes we realized that playing any game was a total suicide mission,  so we moved our way over to the tunnels and slides.

This used to be my favorite part of Chuck E. Cheese. I have never been a big game-er so I spent most of my time crawling in and out of those tunnels. I wanted more than anything for her to try them out. But you must know, my daughter lives in a bubble. Not because I am an overprotective parent, but because she is the most cautious child I have ever met. She thinks the fire alarm in our house is a danger to her.

“Addison, look how fun those tunnels look! You should try it!”

“Mom, I am too little for those tunnels, maybe next year. I really just want a balloon.”

I was so disappointed to hear that… I may or may not had promised a balloon in return for a trip through the tunnels. At the time I did not see this as bribing my kid, I saw it as parenting. They are more or less the same exact thing.

Addison looked at the tunnels above her, then at the balloons, then at me, “Ok, ill go”.

As she reached the last platform, a large child pushed past her almost knocking her down the stairs. My instinct kicked in and I walked over to exchange words with this little fatty.

How dare he push her, does he not understand that one tumble down those steps will make Addison’s bubble a cement case? She will never want to leave the house again.

Would you want to mess with Aunt Jemima?

Would you want to mess with Aunt Jemima?

But then I caught a glimpse of his mother. This lady looked like Aunt Jemima’s evil twin sister. Taking one look at this woman, I decided it was best to let Addison fend for herself, it was about time that kid held her own.

Addison finally made it to the last platform and entered into the tunnels. Boy Ryan and I tried to follow her shadow above us as she crawled through the tubes, but soon lost sight of her. I panicked and realized this was a very bad idea, worst than my idea of wearing penguin underwear to a back massage session.

It had been years since I went into those tunnels but I remembered the dangers, shit can hit the fan real fast. When you come to a fork in the tunnel and spot an older, much larger child barreling down in your direction, you better turn and crawl your little ass as fast as possible or you will be road kill.  All I could imagine was Addison learning that lesson the hard way. Great, I just sent my kid into hand-to-hand combat all because I promised a fucking Chuck E. Cheese Balloon…

Boy Ryan interrupted my thoughts, “Do you see her?”

“No, do you?!”

“No, Jesus Ryan why did you let her go in there? I would have never let her go. Do you not remember how crazy, shit can get in those things?”

“What, she wanted to go in there, she is growing up you know she can do stuff like this. She isn’t a baby”

Yes, the look of anxiety

Yes, the look of anxiety

As Boy Ryan and I frantically raced back and forth trying to find Addison, I overheard another mother say to her husband, “Aw look, they must be newbies.  Remember how frantic we were the first time Johnny went into those tunnels? Thank gosh he only came out with a black eye!”

I should have bribed her into watching that dancing rat on stage, Chuck E. Cheese himself. At least it was a safe place where I could explain that the big rat is the last person to worry about in this cluster fuck.

The only thing Addison had going for her was her vast experience with Dora The Explorer. She definitely knows enough conversational Spanish to make a friend in those tunnels.

Finally we spotted Addison being led by a little girl, not too much older than herself. I assumed Addison trusted the little girl because she resembled a chubby version of Dora the Explorer.  Addison popped up in one of the glass cubes and waved to us, pointing to her Dora friend. I breathed a sigh of relief… ok, she is still alive….

mail.google.com1 mail.google.com

As the little girl walked Addison back to us, we quickly put on her shoes and decided it was time to move on to our last resort, the rides.

So , once again we waited in our invisible line and watched as people cut us over and over. I finally started to lower my behavior to a barbaric level and push my way onto a horse ride, but these two children beat me to it and Addison missed her chance again. Frustrated, I sighed and was just about to yell when I see the two kids Baby Mama walk over with her additional 4 kids in tow.

So I say (in the nicest voice possible), “Um, Hi, excuse me we were waiting in line…”

“You what? You was waiting in line? I didn’t see nobody in line, they ain’t no lines in Chuckee-Cheese.”

Yes apparently there aren’t any lines, but we have been patiently waiting here for about 15 minutes now. My daughter really wants to ride the horse, don’t you sweetie?” I turned to Addison.

Of course Addison completely throws me under the bus. “No, I want to ride the butterfly, I don’t want the horse”. I quickly shift my eyes to Boy Ryan who is pretending to be on his phone.

Thanks Guys, just sacrifice me to the angry Baby Mama. I will remember this moment when I’m doing your laundry tomorrow.

Baby Mama yells louder, “I’m sorry, there something you want to say to me? Cuz im listening.”

220px-CarterIIII searched my brain for something quick to say and my eyes landed on the little baby, Baby Mama was holding. Like every small infant in Chuck E. Cheese, this baby had the sharpest Timberland Boots with a collared shirt and fuzzy black hair. How cute!

This place must be where Lil’ Wayne found the baby on the front of his Tha Carter III CD album. There are tons of them here.

“ Hey, lady, Im listening…”

Call it fear or call it being the bigger person, but I was not about to throw down with this lady over a fucking pony ride. I’m usually not above a lot, but I am above brawling in a Chuck E. Cheese.

“That’s Ok, we were just about to leave”

“Damn Right you was”

So we left, rather quickly.

With my ego in one hand and a balloon in the other, I am not too proud to say that Chuck E. Cheese kicked my ass.

Chuck E. Cheese- 1      That Girl Ryan-0

Leaving the building, I don’t know who was more scarred; Boy Ryan, Me or Addison. Chuck E. Cheese, you have completely let yourself go, Zero Fun.

O, and on a side note…I have made an executive decision that Chuck E. Cheese and Walmart are now on the same status level. There are now officially TWO places where the creatures from the depths of the earth gather and hang out. That place is a total hot bed of society mis-fits.

With that, I will not be returning to Chuck E. Cheese anytime soon.

Adios,  you dancing rat.

Shear Disappointment Chuck E. Cheese

Shear Disappointment Chuck E. Cheese

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4 Responses to “Chuck E Cheese…A Place Where You Can Beat Your Kid!”

  1. donofalltrades March 13, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

    Ha! My daughter wanted to have her 5th birthday there a few years ago. We agreed, but the catch was that we went to a location in the yuppy suburbs (there are 2 locations closer) just to avoid much of what you describe. Little kids of Pakistani doctors are much more tolerable. Plus, it’s in a strip mall with a giant Lucas Liquor store connected to it.

    • rynolexson March 13, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

      Clever! Yes we were not familiar with the area and that was our first mistake. A liquor store connected to CEC is a brilliant idea, those places are not tolerable otherwise.

  2. aliceatwonderland April 1, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

    You had me at “chubby version of Dora the Explorer”. I’m dying laughing here. That was great – and too, too true. I didn’t even like Chuckee when I was a kid. Creepy little rat.

    • rynolexson April 1, 2013 at 6:33 pm #

      Yes, i used to love Chuckee Cheese when i was little and was shocked at all the creepy things i never noticed as a kid! Thanks for reading!!

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