Tag Archives: Humor

The Turtlenecks Have Landed

12 Nov
I am trying something new folks, spice up the blogger write-life a little bit.
Every so often, I am going to dive into some of the worst fashion “Trends” out there to date. I can’t count the number of popular fashion bloggers that the internet currently hosts. Everything from “Must Haves” to “How to style yourself” posts are obviously very popular.
And because my fashion sense sucks, I might as well be labeled as a fashion-failure, I am going to bring you a different perspective on specific fashion pieces; because let’s face it, we all wear shit we hate.
The TurtleNeck and family

I tried to make it work

Brace yourself, the turtlenecks have arrived…Again.
I hate everything about them; the way they slowly suffocate you throughout the day, the way they accumulate excessive pit sweat, even how fat they make your face look.
I can totally relate to this cat

I can totally relate to this cat

 I tried to get rid of all mine this year during my annual, do good by donating clothes, but I kept one. Just one for a, just in case these dumb things come back in style, type of scenario.
And to my surprise, Glamour.com named the Turtle and Cowl neck as the season’s “must have” style for fall 2013.
WTF? Haven’t the fashion gods had enough of these things? When do the necks go into retirement? Platform shoes have been ousted out off the runway, but turtlenecks are still surviving? How does that happen?
Just Die Turtleneck, DIE!

Just Die Turtleneck, DIE!

But have no doubt, I have found OTHER ways Turtlenecks can be utilized.
Case in point:
1. Make a “White-Girl” BlueTooth. Add the accessories of a “Ghetto BlueTooth”, throw in a turtleneck and BAM, you have a “White Girl” Bluetooth. Ideal for excessively long conversations and hand talking.

FotoFlexer_Photo2

2. Try out a hair length BEFORE you cut! Don’t you hate when you want to do something “Drastic” to your hair and have no idea how it will look?
Problem Solved.
FotoFlexer_Photo

3. Animal hair issues? Not with a turtleneck. Your furry friend and his hair will no longer clog the vacuum.

Desheder

Screw you FURminator

4. Spend some quality time with your child; because sometimes close just isn’t close enough.

photo-45. Or use it as a new type of time-out

photo-5

3 minutes of silent time-out

6. Cover up your double, triple or quadruple chins.

Double Chin

Seriously, chins can be a problem

7. Shield your nose when someone in the office farts. Trust me, it works.

Steve from Accounting just dropped a bomb!

Steve from Accounting just dropped a bomb!

8. OR sneak in a quick nap at the office.

Photo on 11-5-13 at 6.45 PM


Nothing to see here, hard at work.

9. When you do all the above and still can’t get enough, you can now make any t-shirt a, Turtle T!

turtle t-shirt

10. For the laziest of the lazy, Cowl Necks (close cousins of the turtleneck) are ideal for feeding yourself without having to put in much effort. Holding bags of chips, packs of cheese and cans of popcorn are all compatible with a Cowl Neck.

cownecks

Turtlenecks are really a fashion nightmare. So make your life easier by re-purposing them for other things! It opens up a world of possibilities for those who wear them.

Make sure to tune in next time for Fashion Nightmares, where we will be discussing, bottom button onesies!

WHAT, is the purpose of them?

How did they get here?

What shall we do with them?

Uncomfortable, awkward and unflattering.

leotard

A Little Of This…A Little Of That

6 Nov

It’s been almost a week since Halloween 2013 and I am still devoured by my utter disappointment.

What happened to Halloween? It has turned into the red-headed step sister of Thanksgiving and Christmas  the Holidays (that was for my Jew friends).

The decorations were weak and so were the amount of tricker- treaters. My street looked like a creepy ghost town and I live in a neighborhood with tons of children.

Here Kiddies, Kiddies, Kiddies

Here Kiddies, Kiddies, Kiddies

Apparently, it’s cool now to go trick-or-treating before 6pm? How convenient.

Who had this brilliant idea? Stay at home parents? NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH STAY AT HOME PARENTS!

At 3pm, all the working people are at work and therefore cannot give out candy. Plus kids with working parents get the shit end of the deal since they miss out on the early bird candy specials.

Nonetheless, my little monster trekked the neighborhood streets after 6pm like a bad-ass. She and the 4 teenagers, who were way too old to be trick-or-treating, walked that neighborhood like bosses.  She did pretty well considering she missed the 3pm Halloween rush. Definitely scored enough candy for me and my husband to chow down on for at least a couple of weekends.

Perks of putting your kids to work.

Perks of putting your kid to work.

Whatever, Halloween sucks now, but this video clip is so well worth it. We may have missed submitting this video to Jimmy Kimmel, but it’s a winner in my book. One day, my kid will thank me for videotaping all the mean pranks I pull on her…

Some Other highlights of the night…

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She was under the impression that her costume was “BatMan” and Joba the turtle, was her loyal side-kick. Kid’s got imagination.

Our other dog Levi, thoroughly enjoyed his costume

Our other dog Levi, thoroughly enjoyed his costume

Speaking of the kid, her latest pre-school rumor really did a number on my parenting reputation.  When I picked her up from daycare this week, she decided to let all the teachers at school know that she is expecting a sibling. Yes, she told her entire pre-school that she was going to be a big sister.

Imagine the look on my face when a rush of teachers came to congratulate me on my non-existent pregnancy.

On the ride home, I had no idea as to how I was supposed to properly handle this situation…I decided to just be honest with her.

Me:Why did you tell everyone your going to be a big sister?”

Addison: “well lily and Jackie are going to be big sisters, so I wanted to be one too.”

ME:Being a big sister is kind of overrated.

Right now, between me, dad and you, we are a family of first borns, “the cream of the crop”, if you will.  Bringing in a younger sibling would only lower our family status.. First-borns are truly the rulers of the world. Plus, having a younger sibling would mean sharing the T.V. and I know how much you love your T.V.”

Addison:NO! not the TV, that’s my TV. Nevermind, I don’t want to be a big sister.”

Controversy Avoided, That Girl Ryan Parenting, a success.

While we are on the subject of parenting success, I wanted to share my most recent visit to NYC this weekend; courtesy of my mom, Mama O.

Mama O. brought me and my “less-supreme-younger-sibling” to the city for some shopping. We went on a “Fashionista Tour” sponsored by The Elegant Tightwad, if your interested: Details HERE

Basically, this fashion tour guides you through the not so typical shopping experience around the East Village. The stores we visited were eccentric and unique to say the least. Each shop varied in range of clothing options and prices, but the overall experience was priceless. In one of the stores, a custom hat boutique, I uncovered a new found love for hats.

(Not just like, I am totally into hats, but more like,  I now have this weird obsession with hats.)

"Younger Sibling" I gave her permission to try this on.

My middle sister modeling off her favorite piece.

I wanted every single hat in that store but paying $300 for hat?

Pshhh, that’s why China-town was invented.

When I found a suitable hat in China-town, I also found the world’s best sales-man. This little Indian shop owner saw my interest in a particular hat and was pushing hard to sell it to me. Every second that I stayed silent, he came down on his price. It was a truly brilliant sales technique.

Eventually he threw in a second hat for the price of one and we had a deal.

One hat for me, one hat for Mama O.

I just fucking love hats.

I am available to model. Please contact me if interested.

I am available to model. Please contact me if interested.

Mama O. thought her hat was a great purchase as well. She insisted on wearing it like a Muslim Brotherhood Member.

Mama O. Being stylish

After the tour, we did some shopping of our own and came across some interesting characters…As often as I go to New York City, I am still fascinated by the weirdo’s I come across.

Like this homeless man selling marijuana kitchen accessories…

20131105-114746.jpg

Who needs Ikea after looking through these gems?

OR these Mormons singing about eternal damnation…

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And we can’t forget about the random vandalism that New Yorkers call, “ART”….

20131105-114956.jpg

Perfectly good Tea Plates glued to the wall.

OR this…

20131105-114708.jpg20131105-114728.jpg

And finally, the gay black man, dancing through the East village with his boombox…

His dance moves were ridiculous

His dance moves were ridiculous

I mean seriously, how can you not love this place?!!

So between my disgust with Halloween, my invisible pregnancy and my new hat; This week was pretty eventful.

Until next time my friends…

That Girl Ryan

The Reflection

30 Oct
Growing up is about eating nasty shit.

Growing up is about eating nasty shit.

Does the number 25 mean anything to you, today? To me it means, I’m officially 25.

Yep, its my fucking birthday.

Happy birthday to me.

Did you remember to write on my FB wall, send me an E-card AND shoot a quick text to my phone? Well, here is your chance to do so without me thinking you forgot.

This is the first year that I haven’t looked forward to my birthday. Granted, the last two birthdays weren’t the best. Mother Nature decided to shit on the entire East Coast with some pretty hefty super storms. I was expecting some kind of monstrosity this year but nothing yet. Forecast looks stellar so far. I wouldn’t be surprised if an asteroid hit the earth in a couple of hours though, we shall see.

As a teenager, imagining myself at 25, I had some goals I expected to accomplish. Not all of my bucket-list items are checked off but for the most part, I guess I got pretty close. I’m employed, I am happy, I am decently fit and decently good looking. That’s most of them right there. I am also married with a kid, that’s definitely something I never factored in, so we shall consider these events as cherries on the 25 year old cake.

Something about turning 25 frightens me. Perhaps it’s the fact that I am officially in my mid-twenties or that I am half way to the age of 50…both are pretty intimidating.

I guess 25 also means that my metabolism will slow down, I should expect grey hair in 2-3 years and I am no longer in the 18-24 demographic.

But here is some exciting news..now I can rent a car!I think I will just head on over to Enterprise and rent the entire fleet. WOW, life is great.

Nah, still not feeling the 25 age.

I have done a lot of reflecting this week on the past three years…they have been such a crazy roller coaster for me personally and I am amazed as to how far I have matured. Like the fact that I don’t feel the need to drink as heavily as I used for every event that requires drinking (my vomit-free toilet and drunk babysitter-husband are very pleased about that). Assessing the pain of being hungover to 3-4 more drinks actually happens now.

Way to go maturity, way to go!

But with maturity comes great…fear. Like the fear of realizing you can die at any moment. I don’t mean to get all dark on you, but I am now scared of things that never crossed my mind during the ages of 16-23. A couple of years ago, I was thrilled by the thought of wreck-less driving, jumping out of airplanes and leaving my house unlocked. Now, I’m practically an agoraphobic. When I fly on a plane, I think its going to crash or when I drive on a bridge, I’m convinced it’s going to collapse. Hell, I can’t even turn on the oven without considering the possibilities of an explosion.

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night convinced a mass murderer broke into your house and is hiding in your attic ready to strike while you sleep? Or that you will spontaneously burst into flames watching TV? I do, all the time. Space junk could land on me at any moment and yet I spent my younger years being reckless. It’s a surprise I have stayed alive this long.

Anyways, the point is, I have seen some changes in myself over the past few years; some good, some bad.

I look back on to my 21st birthday which should have been spent drinking my head off, but instead, I was 6 months pregnant, planning a wedding while in college. Or my 22nd and 23rd birthday when I was a newlywed, juggling work, college homework and an infant. On each of my birthdays, I had so much going on that I never took a moment to be grateful. Instead I resented that fact that I had to be so grown up during the years of my life when it shouldn’t have been expected of me. I just accepted that life happened without really understanding what a great gift I had been given.

On my 24th birthday last year, I decided that I needed to do something to re-invent myself; I was tired of being angry and resentful for the past 3 years of my life. It was time for me to do something for me, not because it was expected or responsible, but because I enjoyed doing it. I wanted to finally be able to do something that would change the way I looked at life.

And the best idea I could come up with was this blog.

As funny and pathetic as that may sound, trust me, it has been one of my better ideas.

On this day last year, That Girl Ryan, the blog, was born and what an eye opener it has been….

It’s not the fact that I just write whatever the hell comes to my head…this blog is so many things to me because all the people like YOU, who read it.  You are the driving motivator behind this blog. Your laughter, your emails, your comments keep me writing about things nobody will talk about.

You bring out the voice that makes you giggle, the voice that says exactly what you won’t, the voice that refuses to be susshed and dismissed. YOU are all, That Girl Ryan.

So as I reflect on my birthday today, I just want to say, THANK YOU!

Thank you for reading. Thank you for laughing. Thank you for helping me grow.

This past year has been one of my best and I have all you to thank for that.

25 will be a great year,  unless of course I get murdered by the psychopath hidden in my attic.

Happy birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to That Girl Ryan.

What else do you need in life?

What else do you need in life?

What to expect when you’re expecting

24 Oct

Why is everyone pregnant all of a sudden? Everywhere I turn I see a sea of bulging bellies and waddling women. Is there a nation-wide pregnancy pact going on that I don’t know about? If I find out there is, I’ll be pissed. Where were all you pregnant ladies when I was the lonely knocked up girl three years ago? I could have used a “Bun in the Oven” buddy. Thanks a lot you bitches.

Have you gotten the latest copy of, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting?”…throw that shit out of the window. It’s useless information that you can easily learn from your mother. That book doesn’t cover vital topics, topics that are actually worth  learning about.

They say we all have secrets, but pregnant women have a lot more…when your growing a human, things can get weird.

Like this belly

Kim Kardashian don't got nothing on this booty

Kim Kardashian don’t got nothing on this booty

1. You Crave Strange Things

Not things like mayo and pickles or potato chips and orange juice; in-edible objects and materials.

I had a particular wanting for textured items…like cat litter. Yes, I craved cat litter. The smell, the look, the way in emptied into the litter box. I would imagine cupping a hand full out, throwing into my mouth like it was granola. Long story short, I gave into my temptation once and the cat litter was anything but delicious and crunchy. Surprise. Surprise. But your pregnant mind will do evil things to you.

I highly recommend this brand

I highly recommend this brand

2. Natural Birth Are For Super Humans

I don’t know who thought giving birth in a bath tub or bouncing on a ball during labor would make a natural birth easier, but I think these people most likely take acid on a daily basis. I’ve had the honor of meeting a couple of women who did naturally give birth and I think they have some incredible powers.

I had a moment during labor (probably an evil mind lapse) that made me want to try and do everything naturally. Not because it was healthier for the baby or my body or whatever they say these days, but so I could say, Hell yes, I did that.

I completely underestimated labor-pains.

Imagine someone pulling your pelvis in two directions and being stabbed in your gut all at the same time. That’s what it feels like. Labor was no big deal until about 2 hours in when you start to ask for the epidural or for death.

I also made my husband take a picture, as a reminder. A reminder that natural births are incredibly overrated.

That is not a fat suit, that is just me.

That is not a fat suit, that is just me.

3. No Story You Will Ever Tell is As Good As Your Birthing Story

Have you ever met someone who shared their birth story about 5 minutes into meeting them? Happened all the time when I was pregnant. I heard each and every moment from the dilation of centimeter 1 to centimeter 10. Usually the climax of the story came when they pushed out the baby.

“And then, I pushed and pushed…Pushed so damn hard I pooped on the nurse! But after 3 hours of pushing, Little Johnny popped out! His head was so big, the doctors gave me fifteen stitches! Johnny’s father sure doesn’t mind though, wink”.

Thanks, for the info lady!

My advice to expecting mothers… find friends that had C-sections.

4. Babies Are Ugly

Ew.

I’m thinking of my kid when she came out. The nurse propped her on my chest and I started to cry.  My kid looked like a cross between the Indian guy at the gas down the street and my Great Uncle. She was purple and blue and had bigger lips  than Fat Albert. I’m sure my husband had a moment when he doubted the fact that this creature was HIS kid, hell I even doubted it; the way she came out I would have believed I was raped by an alien.

I remember my mom posted a facebook picture immediately after she came out; poor kid still had goo all over her face. I had no idea until I saw all the comments from my facebook friends saying, “She is so beautiful!“. Look I’m not retarded, I know its socially polite to say Newborns are “Gorgeous”.

I mean, I have yet to see anyone comment, “O My GOD! what IS THAT?“. You people arn’t fooling anyone, us mom’s with ugly newborns, are well aware that our kids are ugly.

Case in Point:

I was scared for this kid's future

I was scared for this kid’s future

And then this…

100% sure from this picture, she would never get married

100% sure from this picture, she would never get married

Eventually she fluffed out and got really cute. She still is to this day.

Phew…that was a close call:

This Baby Mama don't make ugly babies

This Baby Mama don’t make ugly babies

5. Leaky Nipples

Breast feeding or not, your girls turn into leaky faucets. When I left the hospital they gave me these bra pads, but I thought I didn’t need them because I had no intention of boob feeding my kid.

Then one day, my boobs decided to have a wet t-shirt contest in the middle of English Lit 101. It dawned on me that nipple pads are very necessary.

As if my stigma of being a pregnant college girl wasn’t enough, the two wet spots located on my boobs buried any chance of social redemption that I had left.

All I have to say is, thank god for the Mary Katherine Gallagher pose! Not only does it allow you to check your armpit sweat, but it also covers your leaky nipples…SUPERSTAR!

superstar_molly_shannon

6. People Ask You The Most Retarded Questions

There is such thing as asking a dumb question, I’ve heard them…

How did your get your body back to normal?

I’m not sure, my body just deflated. However, I’m sure my vagina would argue the definition of “Normal”.

OR
(Horrified face)
If you’re back at work, where does the baby go during the day?!
Great question! Hmm well some days I lock my kid in a closet, throw Cheerios on the floor and pray she doesn’t crap her pants. Works like a charm!
At what point in our human evolution do we stop being so stupid? It’s called Daycare and it’s mans best invention.
7. You see a new side of your significant other.
I love when I hear expecting mothers say, “I don’t care what gender I’m having as long as it’s healthy”.
That is a lie.
Every woman secretly wishes for a certain gender. Me…I wanted a boy.
When I found out I was having a girl, I was pissed…I grew up with all girls; two sisters, multiple female cousins and 7+ aunts…enough estrogen to last me a lifetime.
Plus, I married a “Mans-Man”.
He has always been awkward and quiet around girls. Lucky for him when we dated in college, I thoroughly enjoyed my vodka and didn’t notice his strange behavior around women.
So obviously, I was a bit worried he wouldn’t have any type of bond with our daughter.
I was completely wrong.
Who knew my “Manly man” could play barbies and tie pony tails in ways I couldn’t imagine. It’s adorable.
From this:
100_0133
To this:
100_0475
8. Sleep leaves you…forever
As a mother-to-be, sleep gets harder. Imagine sleeping with a basketball underneath you, its impossible. They say lack of sleep helps you prepare for a newborn, but I think that’s crap. It prepares you for the rest of your, no-sleep life. Even after that screaming, no toothed infant sleeps through the night, as a mother you never sleep again. Every peep, every missed breath,every creek in your house awakes you. I used to be able to sleep through it all but now if my kid farts in the other room, I wake up.
On a positive note, 3am tends to be a very lively time; not only are the drunks just returning from the bar, but a ton of mothers like myself, can be found playing Words With Friends.
I guess it’s not so bad.
I miss those days...

I miss those days…

9. Adult Diapers Suddenly Make Sense
During labor, you can shit on the table and not even know it. Your numb from the drugs so you can’t feel yourself poop, but the nurse and your partner sure do. Talk about the type of blackmail they can forever hold over your head. Not only that, but it makes you wonder about which celebrities might have shit during labor.
Personally, I would really like to know if Duchess Kate slipped out a turd while giving birth to the new prince. Now that is News-worthy.
I know, now your like, “Who cares about the labor pains when you have to worry about shitting during birth!”
Trust me, it’s not as bad as the threat of peeing your pants 24/7.  I’ve talked about this before, but I literally can’t get over how much my bladder sucks, post-pregnancy. Activities such as; jumping on a trampoline, jumping jacks and hopping on one leg (basically jumping) can quickly go from a “Great Exercise” to “Holy shit, I just peed myself.
Even the simplest conundrums in life can turn into a wet-yourself-disaster, like coughing or sneezing. I have found the best way to avoid peeing your pants when this happens is to cross your legs and hope for the best.
I used to sneeze like this:
No Big Deal, just a sneeze

No Big Deal, just a sneeze

Now I have to sneeze like this:
Holy Shit, I just peed

Holy Shit, I just peed

Ah yes, pregnancy is weird and disastrous all at the same time, but when you push that little or big human out, the fun only begins. Just wait until that little person turns into a toddler.
Good luck to all of you who plan to embark on this journey, I hope your bellies swell and your births are full of epidurals.
Happy Birthing!

A Message to 20 Somethings From a 20 Something

9 Oct

unico

Do you envision a successful future, similar to the one captured above? Do you consider yourself special compared to other people? Do you want to be someone amazing?

Yes?

Then you are probably a 20 something.

I’m sure we have all heard the bitching that goes on about Generation Y. Lazy, unrealistic and overly hopeful are usually the chosen adjectives when describing this eclectic group of individuals. But who could blame us? We don’t know where we are going in life and we’re fresh out of college, trying to move out of Mom and Dad’s house…I totally get it. Our life is hard and a lot of work.

Let’s not even discuss work. Most of us are coffee runners for hot shots in the big cities. We excel at making copies, setting up calendar invites and stapling together presentations. And what would a company be without the person who knows to how staple projects together; the whole thing would go to shit with loose papers flying everywhere.

To us, it sucks, no body gets a college degree to make copies, yet we continue these jobs to receive, brighter, bigger promotions in the future.

According to the “Old” generations (and yes, I’m calling you people old), we aren’t patient enough and expect promotions immediately. We leave our jobs if we don’t like them and make careers into blogging and posting YouTube videos.

Pathetic, the “Old” crowd says.

And while I don’t necessarily agree with the “Old” generations, I have to say I get where they are coming from. But is it really our fault? Weren’t we raised and mentored by these old people?

 I am different, I am special and I am going to be somebody. My parents, my teachers, my coaches and that purple dinosaur BARNEY always led me to believe this. So why is it when I get into the real world, this same “Old” generation now giggles at my aspirations to be a CEO at 35? The “Old” generation made me and my peers into what we are today; ambitious dreamers looking always looking for the better opportunity.

Nevertheless, I decided to understand the other side of the argument; a way to punch holes in the “Lazy Generation Y” theory. This is how I discovered a select group of individuals who I believe are living in a 20 something fantasy world.

Discovering this not only evoked irritation and made me feel shameful for being among this age group, but also gave me some great material for my first (and probably last) video blog. Feelings this strong, could only be accurately portrayed in the form of a video.

The discovery came when I was perusing Facebook one day. A viral fiasco broke out and of course I needed to investigate the drama myself. A particular blogger (who I won’t say) wrote a post about being a 20 something. She said ludicrous, outlandish and purely naive statements that made my mouth drop to the floor. Of course I would have let the whole thing go if she didn’t happen to draw the attention of other stupid 20 somethings.  90 comments posted on her blog solidified my theory that there are indeed 20 somethings who are a total embarrassment to the rest of us. These are the people who live life in a fairy tale, riding off into rainbows accompanied by Unicorns.

I almost vomited by the out-pouring of comments that read, “You totally understand what I think about on a daily basis”.

Long story short, I created a video blog to share specific parts of the “20 somethings” blog I wasted five minutes of my life on. Of course, I have included my comments and reactions to her pathetic thoughts.

DISCLAIMER: That Girl Ryan is clearly not a movie producer or creator…this will not win an Oscar nor will it be seen as professional video….I am well aware of this.

What have we learned from this?

GENERATION Y’s, specifically the 20’s somethings are not all idiots. Some of us actually have a brain with a mind and will certainly end up being intelligent, contributing members of society. Sure, we may all ride on an Unicorn from time to time  but have no doubt, not all of us are total ass wipes.

And to the “20 something” blogger who decided to broadcast your stupidity to other stupid “20 somethings”…

This is not Disney World and you are not fucking Cinderella…please grow a pair and dis-mount your Unicorn. It’s about time you get with the program.

The Real Housewives of the Gym

24 Sep

Women are such interesting animals…Yes, animals. You have to wonder how men have co-existed and kept up with these crazed mental patients for so long. I mean if you really think about it, can you really blame them for suppressing the female population for as long as they did? Poor guys just couldn’t keep up…

But there is a particular group of woman who have brought a whole new definition to Mind-games. I’m no historian, but I believe the 50’s and 60’s social structure provided a prime environment for these women to evolve into mind-fucking masters, I’m talking about housewives. Dangerous, Devious and Dainty all in the same sentence.

housewife_happy

Now before all you housewives reading get your panties in a bunch and start throwing Dr. Oz’s latest recipe in my face, let’s at least admit you look forward to other activities that don’t involve cooking, cleaning or children…activities like the gym. I’m not saying it’s pathetic…I know for working women, the highlight of our week is casual Fridays so were not that far off. But when I joined a new gym this year and saw first hand how housewives interact with one another, my perspective on this group of women has really changed.

I’m not a fan of the gym and if it wasn’t for the multiple self-loathing sessions about the jiggly packs on my ass, I’d never set foot in that fat-burning hell hole. Eventually, reality sets in; you can’t eat like a 700lb man trying to maintain a 140lb stature without a little work-out here and there. Thus, I take group fitness classes (hell ya!) with a bunch of 40-50 year old housewives and have developed a whole new set of middle-aged girlfriends! This is exciting, because I believe middle-aged friends are better than 20 something-year-old friends, I just learn a lot more from them.

They teach me all about menopause, divorce and why 40 truly is the NEW 20. I even found out the reason why our trainer doesn’t incorporate any jumping exercises into our workouts. It’s because the older women almost always pee their pants. Apparently, after having a couple of children, jumping up and down makes you wet yourself.

A Great Motto To Live By

A Great Motto To Live By

These home warriors are a force to be reckoned with; once you piss them off, its war. Housewives have the time for a good, long battle so you can’t underestimate their power to fuck with your head.

Let’s digress…

Housewives have silent conflicts. They don’t exchange confrontational words or physical beatings, but instead use passive aggressive tactics to ruin your life. Sometimes, you don’t know your in a conflict until one day you walk into workout class and no body will talk to you, then you know the damage has been done.
Recently, I have gotten tangled up in this mess and it’s actually quite amusing! But before I dive in, let me first introduce you to my middle-aged workout friends…

Plasty

Plasty is purely plastic. Her boobs, her lips, her ass are all fake. She dyes her hair blonde and wears make-up to work out. PLASTY never sweats. According to her, ladies don’t sweat because ladies don’t need to work that hard, that’s what men are for. For a woman who doesn’t sweat, Plasty is as thin as a match-stick probably because she just eats steam and injects plastic into her veins to keep from absorbing any fat.

Plasty also gets really mad when she is behind me in circuit-station workouts (moving from one exercise to another). I sweat a lot and she gets annoyed that my sweat is sometimes left behind on a yoga mat or weight bench. She has never said this, remember silence is key here, but her eye rolls and disgusted sighs tip me off to her sweat displeasure. I, in return, leave as much of my sweat behind as possible.

Mama

Mama goes to the gym because she is trying to loose her “baby-weight”. Her youngest child was born 7 years ago. Mama also rocks a mean-camel toe…I’m talking her spandex is screaming for help because it’s at the point of no return. Mama of course drives a half SUV/half mini-van (with turbo) completed with the animated avatars of her family members on the back windshield.

Queefy

Queefy’s name might give away her claim to fame. Queefy always Queefs (vagina farts) in workout class. Usually it happens during our ab and core exercises. When it happens, she always giggles and tries to play it off, “My silly shoe keeps making that silly noise!

I like Queefy, but someone needs to tell her the truth. We know you just Queefed, Queefy and hey, its happens. but seriously, it’s awkward. I think you need to get some sort of plug…I’m sure a tampon would do the trick.

And finally, this brings us to the last gym lady-My enemy…

She might as well look like this

She might as well look like this

Competitive Connie

Competitive Connie is my enemy and I am hers…but we haven’t verbally established this, again silence is key here.

Competitive Connie is the one woman who needs to compete for everything and anything.

Have a great joke to tell? Competitive Connie has a better one. Just upped your weight in bench pressing? Competitive Connie’s been doing that for months.Met a celebrity and got something on sale? Competitive Connie met three and got it cheaper. YOUR story is NEVER as GREAT as Competitive Connie’s…

Hence, why no one likes Competitive Connie…

I don’t like her because she goes out of her way to make everyone look stupid.

The other ladies don’t like her because she hired a cleaning lady 4x a week (apparently, this is a no-no in the world of housewives).

Maid Gives Thumbs Up for Cleanliness

Long story short, one day, the ladies got so tired of it, that they nominated me to try and OUT-DO Competitive Connie.

For days during my drive to and from work I planned my strategy. Since I couldn’t defeat her physically, I would do it with a story she couldn’t outshine. A story so powerful, there was nothing she could say to Top-it.

When the day had arrived, I took a deep breath as I sat on to my mat and lifted my medicine ball, preparing for abs. I gave a nod to Plasty, Queefy and Mama letting them know it was time. They excitedly looked at one another; This was the day their nightly phone conversations had waited for, the day That Girl Ryan would defeat Competitive Connie and give hope to all the housewives of the world (Well, in a 15 mile radius at least).

I licked my lips and began my story….

ME: “So Connie, I was excited to tell you that I just found out I’m related to Miley Cyrus. She is a cousin of mine through a distant relative who just happened to also invent the vacuum, you know the vacuum that whirls in a circle and pivots behind couches? I believe you told us you have one of those no? Anyway, when I found this out, I decided to vacuum my living room. When I emptied the vacuum bag, I discovered $50! That same day after the dishes, laundry and lunches were completed, I went to DSW and bought these $50 heels that were marked down from $150”.

By the time I finished my verbal strike, I was out of breath. There was no way she was going to out-shine THAT story. Competitive Connie stopped her exercise and turned directly in my direction; she understood that I had just declared war.

The ladies and I waited in silence holding our breath, Queefy holding hers a little more, I’m sure, because we were doing crunches.

Would Competitive Connie collapse from defeat? Or would she take the bait?

That fucker took the bait.

Well, that was quite a day for you, That Girl Ryan and such an interesting story! (SMILE) It actually reminds me of the time I went to my uncle’s house, who is also Babe Ruth’s son. He invented the broom! The broom came BEFORE the vacuum, if I have my facts in order. Speaking of the vacuum you referenced, I just threw it out..pity. It actually is a crappy, horrible vacuum and i wouldn’t recommend it to MY WORST enemy. (SMILE). You should probably focus a little more on completing your abs, your only at 55 and I am already on 75 and almost done.

As she trailed off on her bullshit, I sat in total disbelief that I had lost to a housewife. I crafted that story over a 3 day period just to make sure I could out-do her and she thought of that shit in 30 seconds.

This is accurate

This is accurate

Not only that, but I had let my gym ladies down. Now their day would continue to be boring, surely they were looking forward to their phone-gossip schedules that would have lasted well into the evening before their husbands returned home from work.

The next few days, Competitive Connie really ramped up her plan for total destruction. When I would lift a weight, she would get a bigger weight and lift it longer. When I would jog instead of walk to my next circuit station, she would sprint. I even ran into her at the grocery store a few nights ago. She smiled (obviously fake) and I smiled back (even more fake). We chatted about the weather and wished each other a nice evening but in my mind, I knew there was a different meaning…

The weather seems quite odd latelyTranslation: You are really going to try and out-do me?

This sunshine won’t last long, its about time the temperature starts to lowerTranslation: You may be the under-dog that Queefy, Mama and Plasty are rooting for, but you will never defeat me.

Have a good night, I will see you bright and early!Translation: Bring your game, bitch.

I have never had an invisible housewife conflict so I am a bit lost when it comes to these things. But sooner or later, I’m going to set the gym ladies FREE, away from the reign of Competitive Connie.

But until that time, the drama continues….

housework

Blogger Idol 2013-I need your help!

19 Sep

To my loyal That Girl Ryan readers,

If you have never read one of my blog posts… then this is still probably not the one to read.

BUT if you love my blog, I need your help!

I am campaigning to be a contestant on Blogger Idol 2013.

What is Blogger Idol?

Blogger Idol is the premier blogging contest for bloggers. Based on the popular singing reality show, American Idol, the contestants audition and are then narrowed down to a Top 12. At that point, they compete weekly, using writing prompts created by a panel of judges. Each week, someone else is eliminated. The final contestant is crowned the ‘Blogger Idol’, and wins the Grand Prize.

Now that I have tried out, I need you all to tell the judges that YOU, THE PEOPLE, want to see That Girl Ryan on Blogger Idol this year.

Here is How:

1. Post this on to your Facebook Status:

I want to see That Girl Ryan on #BloggerIdol #WritersArethenewrockstars

AND

Go directly to the facebook page and say I Want That Girl Ryan to be on Blogger Idol!

http://www.facebook.com/bloggeridol

It’s time we tell the world, what we really think!

Help me do it!!!!!!

Stay Classy Friends, I look forward to representing you all on Blogger Idol 2013!

Toddlers Are Evil

13 Sep

I have been neglecting my blog…I sincerely apologize to those of you who have sent emails asking where I have been. But this little person in my life has been keeping me quite busy lately.

Bingo!! It’s my daughter, who has recently been taking full advantage of being a terrible toddler.

Listen, I have never been a fan of kids, I think they are a lot of work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my own kid and don’t mind the work because shes like a mini version of me, but kids in general…eh.

As my daughter gets older, she teaches me a lot about little people (little people like children, not midgets-but if anyone knows more about midgets, please, educate me.)

Like the fact that infants are boring, babies are adorable and toddlers are evil. No, I’m not kidding, toddlers are fucking evil. Gosh darn they are so cute and seem innocent, but if you live with them, you know what I’m talking about.

Of course some people would disagree, but only because they probably don’t have little ones.

You see, there are two kinds of people in this world; those who have kids and those who don’t. There is a clear distinction. Like the fact that people with children have to have a great sense of humor.

Why? you ask.

Well because chances are they have been peeded on, vomited on and definitely shit on. Would you continue to work a job if someone shit on you? Probably not, yet parents continue.

Take my advice, once someone poops on you and you still love them anyway, you see everything in a different light.

So when my daughter was finally potty trained, I thought we had gotten thru hard times, but like most of my time as a parent, I was proven wrong.

We have entered into the gates of 3-year-old Hell. My bundle of joy is starting to become a hand bag of demons. I know that sounds harsh, but just the other night I had a very interesting conversation with my toddler:

Her: ” I want to tell you something”

Me: “Ok…what?”

Her: “I want to eat your brains”

At first I giggled it off, assuming she said something else that I misinterpreted, but then she came into my bedroom one night, leaned over my bed and said, “Mom, I want to eat your brains“.

What innocent human being says I want to eat your brains? What the hell is that about? All I know if this Zombie thing DOES happen, we know whose side she is going to be on and now I’m considering buying a helmet to wear to bed.

Brains...I mean beans anyone?

Brains…I mean beans anyone?

Found this protective-brain helmet on sale for $9.99!

Found this protective-brain helmet on sale for $9.99!

Speaking of brains, toddler’s think in a very different type of way, borderline OCD. Like when it comes time for hygiene, something my child doesn’t believe in, there is a ritual that must be completed or the whole thing goes to shit.

It took me over 3 months to figure out, but I believe I have it down now:

Step 1: the word “Bath” or “Shower” MUST NOT be mentioned before 7pm; or else she still has energy to fight it.

Step 2: each bath toy, which include: A Ken barbie with chewed feet (kudos to our dog, Levi), two mermaids that are topless (again kudos to Levi) and a rubber duck, must be shown, introduced and placed on the side of the bathtub.

Step 3: DO NOT EVEN ask her to remove clothing by herself. She tries once and screams bloody murder that she can’t get it off and she can’t breathe because its on her body. Even though its been on her body all day-now its extremely constricting. I must remove clothing myself.

Step 4: enter her into the bath slowly, one toe at a time. It doesn’t matter that this procedure takes 5-10 minutes, it must be completed this way.

Step 5: YOU MUST immediately scrub underneath her armpits to make her laugh

Step 6: The drain switch has to be turned on and off by her only-or you will be paying for it all night.

Step 7: Towel must cover all body parts and she must be carried to her room like a “baby” (which means like a small infant).

If you follow these steps, you will have a successful bath.

So when people question why I only wash my kid like 2-3x a week; I tell them to shove it.

And You Thought Rain Man Was Annoying...

And You Thought Rain Man Was Annoying…

I wish that was the worst of it, but we are just getting started. My toddler has made ME and my husband very bad people. Bad because we have had no choice but to become pathological liars. I think I tell at least 10 lies between the time when I arrive home from work and the time I leave for work in the morning.

Explaining simple reason to a 3 or 4 year old is impossible, they don’t accept anything you say as truth because… well… you saw the bath ritual right? Enough said.

So I have to lie about certain things, like when my kid asks me why she can’t sleep in my bed, I tried to explain that it’s not healthy to sleep in bed with your parents. Plus mom and dad like to cuddle, talk about their day and do…other things. Clearly, this answer was not good enough, so i had no choice but to tell her that I have a monster under my bed who might eat her if she sleeps with us. I have yet to be asked that question again.

Here some other bullshit that has worked…

Toddler Question: Why do I have to take a shower?

Parent Answer: Because your hair will get so dirty it will fall out.

Toddler Question: Why do I have to sit in my seat at the restaurant until you and dad are done eating dinner?

Parent Answer: Because the manager will come over and make you wash dishes for the rest of your life.

Toddler Question: Why do I have to stop asking you the question why?

Parent Answer: Because if you don’t I might throw you out the window.

The bottom line is…this shit works. Don’t Judge.

Ain't Nothing Wrong With a Monster under the Bed.

Ain’t Nothing Wrong With a Monster under the Bed.

Ok, Ok, so clearly I am not striving to be the PERFECT parent…but I always hoped to be a decent one that my kid would appreciate. Yet, as she gets older, I can’t help but notice she makes me look like an asshole to complete strangers.

I was always under the impression that it was a parent’s job to embarrass their kids, something I am completely looking forward to, but again, I stand corrected.

I have a toddler that can’t keep secrets and hasn’t learned the rules of “What is said at home, stays at home.”

Before moving to preschool this year, my daughter’s last babysitter was of Asian decent. She has an accent, is about 4’9, around 50 years old and is the cutest woman EVER. My husband and I have a special imitation of her because she is a notable character. Obviously, our impression included an Asian accent. My toddler never took any interest in the impression and never acknowledged that it even existed. So we would do it, frequently at home, for a good laugh.

I think you know where I am going with this, so let me re-inact this classic event…

Scene: Babysitter’s house

When: After work

Who: My Toddler, Me and The Babysitter

Toddler: “Hey Miss babysitter, your Chinese… did you know that?”

Babysitter: “Why yes, I am Chinese how did you know that?”

At this point in the conversation, I immediately recognized that it was too late to stop the train wreck about to happen. For a brief moment, I considering running out the door, never to return.

Toddler: “Because my mom and dad said you walk and talk like this…hong kong chong ching fhong…”

The feeling of embarrassment from that moment surpassed anything I had ever felt in my entire lifetime.

That crazy kid said what?!

That crazy kid said what?!

So what have we learned so far, My kid is 3 and she’s devious. Sure, I think that’s a fair assessment, but what’s worse is that she is smart, WAY too smart for her own good.

I love shopping and treat myself every now and again to expensive purchases…like shoes. From previous experiences, I have learned not to bring my kid with me to the mall when I can help it. But this one particular time, i needed some new shoes and brought her along.
All went well until she announced that she had to throw up…like throw up right NOW.

Now, there is an innate parental reaction when your child says these words. You grab the first bag you can find or scurry over to the nearest trashcan. Not wanting another bad parenting scandal, I raced her out of the store to avoid vomit chunks landing on any articles of clothing and leaned her over the nearest mall trashcan. Not only did I look trashy as hell, but I was screaming at her to throw up IN the trashcan. I then realized that chances were, my kid’s vomiting aim was no where near the skill of a post-college adult and would need a second vomit barrier than just the trashcan. So in my moment of panic, I threw my $190 pair of heels on to the mall hallway floor so I could use the bag as a catcher.

As I lifted her up to throw up in the bag over the trashcan, I noticed a variety of silent bystanders watched in total disbelief; disbelief over the fact that an expensive pair of shoes were lying in the middle of the mall floor or that I was holding my 3 year old over a public trashcan. As I braced myself for the upheaval of a chicken finger lunch, my daughter started laughing hysterically and said, “Got you mom. I don’t have to throw up!”

I went home that night and Googled; Is Parent-Abuse a real thing?

Guess what, It is.

Puke Happens.

Puke Happens.

So the point of this is to show you the kinds of shit I do in my free time- hold my kid over public trashcans and worry about her eating my brain. But also, that the real life lessons you learn are from Toddlers. So pay attention America, I think we all could take a little direction from these tiny demons.

Now all of you need to go and thank your mothers for putting up with all your shit.

There She Is...and SASS is her middle name.

There She Is…and SASS is her middle name.

Closet Smoker

13 Aug

So far this summer has been productive for me…I went on a few vacations… got a new job…drank more alcohol than Don Draper…

AND

came out of the closet.

Here I Come World

Here I Come World

Hello world, I am That Girl Ryan and I’m a Closet Smoker.

Phew, that felt great, my therapist would be so proud right now.

I never identified myself as a smoker for obvious reasons. Smokers get treated like lepers by the general population. They give judging looks of disgust and obnoxiously cough. It got to be so annoying that I felt like putting out my cigarette butts in their eyes.

But the worse by far are the ex-smokers. These people feel obligated to walk up to you and inform you on all the harmful effects of smoking…

Ex-smoker: “You know, smoking is so bad for you. Your going to get wrinkles, bad breath and CANCER!”

Me: “Oh. My. god. Your kidding? I can get cancer from smoking? Smoking is bad for you? I have to stop right this minute, thanks for letting me know.”

Don’t we wish it was that easy…but let me just state for the record to ALL non-smoking idiots…

1. smokers are aware smoking is bad for your health.

2. If you are a human that uses a microwave, plastic bags, breaths air, talks on a cell phone or eats meat…you also have a high possibility of getting cancer.

So while we appreciate your thoughts, chances are your going to die just as soon as we are. Get it? Good, now get over yourself.

Anyways, I started to notice I had an addiction when I tried to convince myself I didn’t have an addiction. One day, I made a mental list of the circumstances in which I felt it was necessary to have a cigarette.

Like…

·        When drinking alcohol

·        When others are smoking

·        While driving

·        When I’m angry

·        When my fellow closet smokers don’t want to smoke alone

·        When I’m really excited

·        After work

·        When I have a decision to make

·        After watching a full season of Mad Men

·        When I’m bored

Clearly, I have limitations…Right?

Well according to society, these limitations would deem me an addicted smoker. And once your “addicted” its socially expected that you must quit.

(Actually, I’m finding most pleasurable habits such as drinking, eating and using profanity are deemed “must-quit activities”. Welcome to life, it sucks)

Being a good, socially abiding citizen, I did what was expected of me and quit…kind of.

I first tried to limit myself to only having a cigarette when I drank alcohol, but I soon realized that being drunk by 6pm everyday was turning into another “must quit” activity.

Then I tried to only smoke when I got home from work and that turned into a chain smoking fiasco between the hours of 6pm-10pm.

So I turned to my last resort…The Electronic Ciggerate.

Honestly, the E-Cigg has been fucking fantastic. I don’t have to hide it, it doesn’t smell, I can smoke anywhere AND the E-cig smoke is water vapor…so I hydrate while smoking. Hollar!

But my friends, There are other benefits to this electronic stick that are worth noting…

It’s a great Hair Accessory. E-Ciggs are bringing back the “Chinese Hair Chopsticks look”

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.18 AM

Who needs a rape whistle when you can walk through the streets like Wolverine?

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.37 AM #2 Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.32 AM

Need a Q-tip? Pshhh, not with E-Cigs

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.30 AM

What happens if you walk into a party and found out it’s BYOM (bring your own mustache). Now, your always prepared.

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.26 AM #2

Extra flashlights are always a must…especially if an unexpected Apocalypse hits

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.26 AM

It makes you look smart when you think.

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.26 AM #4

Your furry friends won’t get any second hand smoke!

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.33 AM #5

Never have to buy those stupid, breakable drink stirrers ever again

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.29 AM #2 Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.29 AM

It’s safe to stick up your nose.

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.30 AM #2

Exercise while you smoke to avoid carpel tunnel

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.28 AM

And Lastly…when your yelling at someone, make sure they know you MEAN it with an E-Cig/Accusatory Stick.

Photo on 8-13-13 at 11.29 AM #3

So take it from me, the closet smoker who turned cigarette quitter…It’s worth putting away the Marlboro’s.

And if I haven’t given you enough reasons to quit smoking, than I’d like to leave you with my ex-smoker words of advice…

YOUR GOING TO DIE FROM CANCER.

Awkward Photo Winner!

5 Aug

I have a winner…it’s a week late on being announced, but better late than never.

Congrats to “WE ALL BUNDLE”

Family Pic

This picture won by a landslide!

Stay tuned for some new posts coming this week…

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