Before Addison
- Post Addison. Nerds.
Me and Ryan used to be so cool (see picture on left). We would make-out at parties, have cool nicknames like “Rowdy” and “Risky” and dominate in beer pong (our team name was Rsquared…ya, I know, it’s clever.)
When we found out about Addison, we really didn’t want to be “old parents”. You know “old parents”; they like to read the newspaper, drink black coffee and yell at teenagers saying things like “You damn kids!”
We figured that one of the positives of being “young parents” was that we would always be “cool”. Unlike some parents, we would know how to text, ReTweet and type on IPads without needing glasses. And maybe, just maybe when Addison got older, we would still be hot enough to reach MILF* and FILF* status among her friends…but of course, only time and the future of plastic surgery will decide on that.
As I began to evaluate how we have changed over the past two years, I realized that we have completely missed the mark; being cool is no longer an option. We have already fallen into the loser category at age 2… For those of you who are new parents or will be, I have compiled a brief list of things that are telltale signs of nerdy-ness.
1.You Coach Each Other Through Time-Outs.
This will probably be us in 15 years. See the transformation?
Boy Ryan: “Babe, that was so great what you said to Addison, I think she completely got the idea that we are really mad about her behavior.”
Girl Ryan: “Really? I feel like I was a bit harsh, maybe 3 ½ minutes of time out is a bit much”
Boy Ryan: “ We need start putting our foot down. I especially loved the part when you said, “This is unacceptable”, It really made you sound like a mom. Honestly, enough is enough, throwing ravioli at the dog is completely unacceptable. It could lead to bigger problems”
Girl Ryan: “Your right, we can not let her get away with that. Throwing raviolis at animals is definitely a sign of worse things to come, like sneaking out of the house with…I can’t even say it… “EMO BOYS!”
2. You Watch So Many Cartoons, Your Foreplay/Dirt Talk is Straight From a Nickelodeon Show.
GR: Hey, SWIPER (my nickname for BR), I’m feeling a little Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer…if you know what I mean (Wink, Wink)
BR: “Grab your backpack, Let’s go…”
Swiper loves to SWIPE.
OR
BR: Swiper wants a little Swiping…
GR: Swiper, NO SWIPING!
BR: O, MAN!
*Never seen Dora The Explorer? Your totally missing out, click here*
3. You Get Really Good At Negotiating; Hell, I Even Added It As a Skill On My Linkedin Profile.
BR: “Addison, If you eat dinner, you can have ice cream”
GR: “Ill match his ice cream and raise you a cookie and a glass of milk”
BR: “ Touché, ill take mommy’s offer AND throw in a bubble bath”
Parents: 1 Addison: 0
It’s a big deal to win a dinner negotiation.
Today: a victory to eat vegetables; Tomorrow: a ballot ticket to the White House.
4. You Begin to Censor Your Favorite Television Shows.
The other day, we received this note from daycare:
Dear Ryan and Ryan,
Recently, Addison has been scaring the other children. She tells them that she hears scary noises and that these noises are from the zombies outside. How does Addison know what a zombie is?
BR: “I told you that Addison shouldn’t be watching The Walking Dead with us!
GR: “No, she should. Daycare just doesn’t appreciate Doomsday Prepping Education. How else are we all going to know how to survive a zombie apocalypse?”
Necessary Education for A Zombie Apocalypse
Goodbye prime time television….
5. Your Biggest Celebrations Are Just Down Right Embarrassing.
Waiter, “Hey folks, are you up for dessert? You must be out celebrating your anniversary. New Job? New house?
No More Diaper Genie!
GR: “No, we are celebrating the end of stinky diapers and shit explosions! You see our kid is now wearing “Big Girl Panties””. It’s a big deal. That whole poop thing is the toilet’s problem now.
Waiter: “Ok…so does that mean you like to share the brownie surprise for Dessert?”
BR:” I think we’ll take two, it’s a big night. Goodbye Diaper Genie!”
Parents, beware the signs of nerdy-ness. Before you know it, you will be reading newspapers, drinking black coffee and yelling at teenagers.
That Girl Ryan 
At least you’ll always have your drunken blow out fights at any given concery experience. I feel sorry for the innocent bystanders mostly.Let’s just hope you guys aren’t chaperones to the prom. The kids shouldn’t have to be DD for the parents. Addison may legally divorce you both otherwise.
DAD OF THE YEAR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!