The Turtlenecks Have Landed

12 Nov
I am trying something new folks, spice up the blogger write-life a little bit.
Every so often, I am going to dive into some of the worst fashion “Trends” out there to date. I can’t count the number of popular fashion bloggers that the internet currently hosts. Everything from “Must Haves” to “How to style yourself” posts are obviously very popular.
And because my fashion sense sucks, I might as well be labeled as a fashion-failure, I am going to bring you a different perspective on specific fashion pieces; because let’s face it, we all wear shit we hate.
The TurtleNeck and family

I tried to make it work

Brace yourself, the turtlenecks have arrived…Again.
I hate everything about them; the way they slowly suffocate you throughout the day, the way they accumulate excessive pit sweat, even how fat they make your face look.
I can totally relate to this cat

I can totally relate to this cat

 I tried to get rid of all mine this year during my annual, do good by donating clothes, but I kept one. Just one for a, just in case these dumb things come back in style, type of scenario.
And to my surprise, Glamour.com named the Turtle and Cowl neck as the season’s “must have” style for fall 2013.
WTF? Haven’t the fashion gods had enough of these things? When do the necks go into retirement? Platform shoes have been ousted out off the runway, but turtlenecks are still surviving? How does that happen?
Just Die Turtleneck, DIE!

Just Die Turtleneck, DIE!

But have no doubt, I have found OTHER ways Turtlenecks can be utilized.
Case in point:
1. Make a “White-Girl” BlueTooth. Add the accessories of a “Ghetto BlueTooth”, throw in a turtleneck and BAM, you have a “White Girl” Bluetooth. Ideal for excessively long conversations and hand talking.

FotoFlexer_Photo2

2. Try out a hair length BEFORE you cut! Don’t you hate when you want to do something “Drastic” to your hair and have no idea how it will look?
Problem Solved.
FotoFlexer_Photo

3. Animal hair issues? Not with a turtleneck. Your furry friend and his hair will no longer clog the vacuum.

Desheder

Screw you FURminator

4. Spend some quality time with your child; because sometimes close just isn’t close enough.

photo-45. Or use it as a new type of time-out

photo-5

3 minutes of silent time-out

6. Cover up your double, triple or quadruple chins.

Double Chin

Seriously, chins can be a problem

7. Shield your nose when someone in the office farts. Trust me, it works.

Steve from Accounting just dropped a bomb!

Steve from Accounting just dropped a bomb!

8. OR sneak in a quick nap at the office.

Photo on 11-5-13 at 6.45 PM


Nothing to see here, hard at work.

9. When you do all the above and still can’t get enough, you can now make any t-shirt a, Turtle T!

turtle t-shirt

10. For the laziest of the lazy, Cowl Necks (close cousins of the turtleneck) are ideal for feeding yourself without having to put in much effort. Holding bags of chips, packs of cheese and cans of popcorn are all compatible with a Cowl Neck.

cownecks

Turtlenecks are really a fashion nightmare. So make your life easier by re-purposing them for other things! It opens up a world of possibilities for those who wear them.

Make sure to tune in next time for Fashion Nightmares, where we will be discussing, bottom button onesies!

WHAT, is the purpose of them?

How did they get here?

What shall we do with them?

Uncomfortable, awkward and unflattering.

leotard

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6 Responses to “The Turtlenecks Have Landed”

  1. donofalltrades November 12, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    Lol, you’re fucking stupit!

    I’d love a contact buzz from whatever it is you’re smoking or drinking, ma’am.

    I’ll save any comments I have about the onesie thing for when you post that article as it will no doubt relate to getting to third base and being stymied by this new, strange chastity contraption piece of shit fashion article. Whoah! Sorry about that.

    • rynolexson November 12, 2013 at 3:42 pm #

      I know, sometimes this blog gets really stupid. It’s such a great idea in my head and then when I post…well case in point.

      HAHA so funny you mentioned that, that’s exactly the thought that sparked the need for a post related to bottom-button onesies 🙂 Just you wait DOAT…

      • donofalltrades November 12, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

        The post is hilarious, it’s you that is stupit, dear. I look forward to more fashion advice. The time out turtleneck is brilliant. You should market that.

      • rynolexson November 12, 2013 at 3:48 pm #

        LOL, thanks, appreciate it coming from you.

        If i marketed the T.O. Turtleneck, every mommy blogger from here to China would be after me…you know how those crazy bitches be…

  2. Cee January 13, 2014 at 1:47 am #

    So, ” stupit ” is the new stupid…?

    Don’t waste too much time with cretins and I for one really enjoyed your post, Ryan.

    • rynolexson January 13, 2014 at 2:11 am #

      Lol thanks Cee! I try to stay far away from the cretins, yet always find myself surrounded. Thanks for commenting on one of my favorite posts 🙂

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