Tag Archives: Funny

We Are The Stick People

4 Apr
Untitled

This is an original drawing

I never understood the stick family phenomenon.

You know, those stupid family conglomerates stuck on the back of minivans?

I live in a typical suburbia environment where minivans rule the road. I know I’m getting close to home when I start to see the plethora of stick people dance across my line of vision.

The population of my town has been reduced to stick figures and no one seems to care.

This might sound crazy but I think there is a competition going on with this stick family obsession.

The more stick people that populate your back windshield the better! Let the stick kid breeding competition begin!

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I frequently ask myself, where did this begin?

I think I also found the answer:

America Loves Stickers

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I saw a van the other day that had 9 stick kids.

Yes, 9.

Why would you want to tell people you have 9 children? When I see you have 9 children, it makes me want to drive up next to you and scream, “Stop breeding stick people”.

Plus, if you drive a minivan I already assumed you have a mass litter of kids.

The irony of the whole thing was that this particular minivan had an additional bumper sticker that read,

Proud supporter of my neighborhood watch program

Well,  you’re not doing the neighborhood watch any favors by inviting every single child molester in the area to follow you home. Basically your family decal is  putting your litter of stick kids in danger. While you think it’s cute to have stickers on the back windshield, to a pedophile you are saying, “Hey, we have kids! And lots to spare! Come by and join the fun!”

The sticks have gone to your brain.

If I were to post my family stick status, I would have a mommy stick, daddy stick and baby stick. I would also include two doggie sticks, one cat stick and one rabbit stick.

People would officially know that I am an animal hoarder. This is why I am not a stick fanatic.

The only benefit to this stick family obsession is that it can be a great source of gossip for the rest of us…and who doesn’t love a little gossip?

Just last week, I found out that my daughter’s classmate has TWO dads.

How?

I saw this:

My_Family_DINK

Dad-to-Dad Parenting

And then I noticed a change in my neighbor’s stick family situation.

She added an additional stick child (she is expecting) and removed her stick husband (they are getting a divorce).

The big X just gave it away.

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You can learn a lot when you pay attention.

Shockingly, this trend has caught on in non-suburban cities like Newark too!

Typically in these parts of town, I expect to see death decals:

 

Debbie Downer Stickers

Debbie Downer Stickers

However I was presently surprised to see this:

 

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Hard Core Jail Time

Baby mama has custody of the kids while baby daddy does jail time…O, and they have a dog.

Honest, entertaining and to the point.

I love it.

But the fun doesn’t end there, I am starting to see some really creative stick family decals that I think are worth mentioning…

Everyone has a little family dysfunction

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Dysfunction at it’s finest

Why be stick people when you could be a family of tight-ass chickens?

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Even the Single-Cat Lady wanted to partake in the fun!

Any takers?

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Proud and Loud Mormons

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And finally, what’s a family without a little passive-aggressiveness?

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Those damn hoes wreck everything

I will never understand the point of this trend.

Maybe it’s along the lines of putting reindeer antlers on cars at Christmas time. Or maybe it’s a deep seeded need for humans to feel validated by the use of stickers; anyone remember Kindergarten Star Charts?

No, that’s not a memory we would like to re-visit, I agree.

So many sticks, so little time…

 


 

 

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

Conscious Uncoupling Causes The Disappearance of Flight 370

27 Mar

 I’m not promising any magic in this post today, just a random rant that struck my fancy because I spend entirely too much time on Facebook.

Have you ever read those trending topics on facebook?

Right hand side of the screen? Popular stories? I’ll wait a moment for you to find it….


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Ok well this week’s topics were the most asinine stories I have ever seen. I’d rather have scrolled through my newsfeed reading all the retarded status updates of gym losers posting selfies of their #AWESOME workouts. #HatersGunnaHate

In case you missed it, here are the trending topics on Facebook this week…

Hercules

Dwayne Johnson proves he is Hercules in this new trailer

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Russell Crowe Meets Arnold Schwarzenegger

Can someone please tell “The Rock” to stop trying to make Dwayne Johnson happen! This man is having a serious identity crisis.

Did he really prove to be Hercules? Last time I checked he was a wrestler out of work, making movies terrible by starring in them.

America, when will we learn that ex-wrestlers/lifters/porn stars/ do not make good movie stars? Case in point: Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

Nick Cannon

Nick Cannon wears white face, sparks internet controversy.

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Have you heard about this yet? White people are legit pissed.

Are they really that mad? Or are they just riding the “poor white people” wave they have waited so long for…FINALLY, a black guy does something us white people can publicly complain about. We can’t complain about their terrible grammar, music, bad behaviors or excessive breeding habits because that would be racist, but now, WHITE PEOPLE ARE FINALLY THE VICTIMS!

Yep, they have been waiting years for victim status. So in short, whiteys ain’t letting this shit go.

Let the man do some white face, it’s a compliment, not a diss.  Fuck people, stop being such ass hats.

Nick, welcome to world of being white…I think you nailed it, even the part where you married a cougar. Kudos.

 

National Football League

NFL will now penalize players for dunking over the goal post

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Ok…And…If this is “trending” topic-worthy there is no reason as to why the pimple on my ass shouldn’t be.

Plus, aren’t you supposed to dunk in football? No? Wrong sport?

Stupid…exactly my point.

 Flight 370

Debris found by Chinese Satellites 

O Jesus Christ, here we go again…the Chinese satellites found “debris” floating in the ocean…for the third time this week.

Is it me or does anyone else question why the rest of the world would think these Chinese satellite images are credible? Let’s not even discuss the fact that Chinese satellites are probably sold in Walmart, made by a group of unpaid children in a factory but I just don’t see debris in the picture.

Although if I squint my eyes hard enough looking at the images, similar to how the Chinese would look at it, then I do see plane debris. But then again I also see Godzilla in the left hand corner, so who knows.

Squint and See

Squint and See

The bigger mystery is, how do the Chinese see anything out of those eye-slits?

How? HOW CAN YOU SEE?

How? HOW CAN YOU SEE?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

Uncoupling

Here we are, just uncoupling

Here we are, just uncoupling

Spoiler alert: they split up.

It was an “amicable” breakup or what Gwyneth calls, “Conscious UnCoupling”

Please explain what Concious Uncoupling means. Do people use this term, “Conscious Uncoupling”? Is this a thing now? I can’t wait until the first turd starts using this phrase on Facebook.

Status update: Me and Chad decided to break up. #ConciousUncoupling

How does one “uncouple” themselves? Do you just decide, hey lets start to uncouple. I’ll bang some guys tonight, you bang some girls tomorrow and we can start this uncoupling process. We will do things in an uncouple way.

One benefit to this break up…Coldplay might actually decide to consciously uncouple themselves. Wouldn’t that bring joy to the masses. We can finally stop slitting our wrists listening to their depressing music.

North Korea

Kim Jong Un requires all North Korean Men to get haircuts…like his haircut

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Attention men of North Korea, you are now ordered to cut your hair like a fat faced penis. Don’t feel too bad, you could be like us Americans who are now required to buy health insurance. Imagine the horror of that!

Although, it could be worse, he could be requesting that everyone get haircuts like his pal, Dennis Rodman.

Who would you rather look like? An asian version of Hitler or a black, green-haired pirate?

The choice is yours:

NK leader meets Dennis Rodman

 Jeff Gordon and Stephen Rhodes

Come out of the closet as a gay couple

I think the world is coming to an end. Jeff Gordon announces he is a gay man in a relationship with openly gay driver Stephen Rhodes.

jeff-gordon-and-stephen-rhodes-confirm-homosexual-relationship

 

No, wait, this is supposedly a hoax according to searches on Google…but it’s too late, this has already spread across the internet. Nobody knows its a rumor, especially a bunch of red-neck NASCAR fans. Unfortunately they are illiterate. All they saw was the picture of both men holding hands and went nuts. Some fans have already committed suicide from the news. In fact, I saw 4 less Gordon flags flying this morning.

FACT: NASCAR fans reportedly have been seen running into the northern state borders with guns screaming, “Kill all the liberals and the gays!”

FACT: I have lost faith in humanity.

 

Can’t wait to see what crap is trending on Facebook next week…until then!

 

 

 

That Girl Ryan Does Stand Up Comedy

21 Mar

Here it is…my comedy routine!

I’m an inpatient bastard and couldn’t wait any longer to receive the professional taping of my routine, so I’m posting the footage one of my fans (aka my dad) captured on the night of the show.

This is the entire routine minus the last 3 seconds…it’s just missing 4 words.

Enjoy!

What did you think!?

FYI: I Didn’t Die

14 Mar

Hello? Is anyone still out there?

It’s me, That Girl Ryan.

I wanted to check in and let you know that I did not die or lose my hands, I just abandoned my blog for 3 weeks.

Terrible, I know but I did upload my NEW blog logo!!! Don’t you love it?!

My unrealistic expectations took me in a different direction once again to…Stand-UP Comedy Class.

Making an asshole of myself online wasn’t enough, I needed to get on stage and do it in person.  Let me tell you, it’s harder than it looks.

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20140314-161217.jpgLook at me trying to be cool

Next week is my official “graduation show” where I get to do my whole bit in front of a real audience – trashy New Jersey locals – but still, even trashy NJ locals can be an intimidating bunch.

I wanted to share some things I discovered about the world of comedy…

1. Male comedians are perverts/horn dogs…can’t help but love them

I won’t go into detail but I will say this…

Ladies, if you are single and want to date a male comedian, take my advice and do not shave, do not wax the “area”. There is a group of men out there who will fully appreciate you as a woman in her natural state; pubes and all.

I haven’t seen anything quite like it…

2. The uglier and older you are, the more you get away with…it’s not fair

This is the first time in my life I wish I was born fat, ugly and funny because then I’d get away with saying anything…like newborns are ugly and look like old men. For some reason, that line just doesn’t have the same effect as if an older, grey haired, overweight lady said it.

Ugh.

3. It’s hard to write comedy material

I spent the last three days thinking up different ways I could explain the benefits of being a Tranny

I missed a meeting at work because I was practicing my voice impression for Steve Urkel

I spent 45 minutes searching all the synonymous for VAGINA

WTF has my life become?

4. You become a narcissistic

I’m ready to bitch slap myself

5. You are not as funny as you think you are

Like that time I went to an open mic and nobody laughed at my jokes…Most awkward 5 minutes of my life.

6. Stage fright gets re-defined

Flight or Fight has become…Flight, Fight and piss your pants

Wish Me Luck this week…I will return back to my blog soon!

Interpretive Car Dancing

21 Feb

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I have a secret talent that I don’t share with many people, only those who are included in my most intimate circles and sometimes random taxi-cab drivers after a night of heavy drinking.

At the age of 17, I discovered that I was a professional..

Interpretive Car Dancer

What is interpretive Car Dancing?

It is a form of dancing a person does with only their upper body while driving a motor vehicle. It sounds dangerous and it is but that is why it’s an important talent. Only the best talents are dangerous. If you are a white girl like me and can’t bust a move on a regular dance floor you might just have a shot at becoming a professional interpretative car dancer. You won’t make any money or dance on a pole but you will definitely make a few friends on the highway: SEE Lesbian Cheesy Bread.

I video taped my interpretive dancing for you all to see my amazing moves.

*PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS UNLESS YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL CAR DANCER. You might crash into someone or worse, you might get pulled over by a cop.

Feel free to leave me comments on my skills.

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

Mommy Conviction

14 Feb

My kid told me she was taking me to court.

According to her, I was guilty of taking too many “Mommy shortcuts” and it was time to bring me to justice once and for all. She was nice enough to offer me a plea deal in exchange for lesser jail time. Her deal was simple, if I would give her 3 candy bars a night for the rest of her life, she would drop all the charges held against me and destroy the evidence.  If I didn’t take the deal, I would be looking at some serious jail time…Jail time in Mommy Shaming prison.

I refused her deal, I might take shortcuts here and there but I’d be dammed if she was going to turn into a little fat kid! So, I told her I would take my chances in court.

The next day we found ourselves in the courthouse where she made her case. Below are the court transcripts from the actual trial…

Please rise for the honorable Judge, “Queen Addison“.

Guilty or Not Guilty

Guilty or Not Guilty

Today we are here to decide on a ruling for case #34656, Addison Vs That Girl Ryan. You will hear Ms. Addison layout her case as to why her mother should be found guilty of cutting corners in motherhood. We know that all parties are innocent until proven guilty. However if the opposing party should be found guilty, the defendant will be sentenced to a full term in mommy shamming prison, aka a full hour of playing barbies and making friendship bracelets.

Ms. Addison, please present your case.

Addison took the stand and presented the evidence…

1. My Mom calls this shit, dinner.

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2. This is considered educational so I spend a lot of time watching it.

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3. She claims she is tired when she wants Daddy to make dinner. That’s just plain #LAZY.

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4. I’m only allowed to drink water. She says juice is for sick kids.

I don’t believe that.

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5. She hates cleaning.

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6. She throws away my artwork because it “clutters” the house.

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7. Her other “kids” can sleep in her bed…

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I am not allowed.

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8. I am the photographer for her blog postings…

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and I don’t even get paid for it.

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9. This is my favorite picture…

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My mom says I can’t hang it up because it creeps her out.

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10. These do not fit me…

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but I wear them anyway.

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11. According to my mom, taking a good selfie is a life skill…

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I have mastered it.

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12. She hides from our neighbors…

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and makes me hide with her.

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13. Baths only happen once a week…

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and so does brushing my hair.

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14. She usually never has enough food in the house…

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but always enough beer.

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After she presented her case, the judge made her final decision….

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That Girl Ryan you have been found GUILTY.

I was immediately taken into custody and went to Mommy Shaming Prison where I played Barbies and made friendship bracelets for a full hour.

It. Was. Hell.

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Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

Hashtag #Hoes A Video Blog

7 Feb

Before you watch the video, I’d like to give a brief background on the Hashtag #HOE.

Definition of a hashtag hoe: a female who overuses hashtags as picture captions on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Why do they do this? So strangers can look at their pictures.

You all know who these people are and if you don’t, you are most likely one of them. If you are one of them, shame on you and for the love of God, stop it. Most hashtag hoes post the most ridiculous pictures and frankly the pictures only require one caption….#Why? Why are you publicly embarrassing yourself?

The publicist and I have explored a variety of hashtag hoes and separated them into 3 categories; #GirlsWhoLift, #InstaChefs and #TBT (Throw Back Thursday).

#GirlsWhoLift: Ahhhh, the gym whores, personally my favorite type of hashtagger. Typically gym whores are hot, I will give them that but my god, if you are that hot why are you posting half naked selfies on social media EVERY OTHER DAY!? How much attention do you require???! I mean it’s entirely unbelievable to us viewers that you actually work out with your hair down, lets be real. Are you really working out, or are you building up a portfolio for a porn audition? I can never tell. Please sister, put your clothes back on do a real workout. We all know #RealGirlsWorkOutInClothes. Right now, none of us are admiring your gym progress, we are just down right embarrassed for your mother. #IamTotallyJudgingYou.

Screenshot_2014-02-03-13-09-41

At least she shaved her armpits. #Kudos

#InstaChef: Some instachefs snap pictures of every single meal they consume on a daily basis. Have you seen spaghetti before? Have you seen peanut butter and jelly? Of course you have so who gives a flipping shit about what it looks like in an instagram filter? Half your hashtags don’t even relate to food! What does #Love have to do with bread? What does #Home have to with meat?  If you are going to crowd my feed with your stupid food pictures, I might just leave a comment about how many calories that meal really is…hey fatty you know that’s like 3000 calories per serving? You might want to go to the gym, workout with your hair down and then tell us how you burned off those calories.

Bread?!! OMG how creative!

Bread?!! OMG how creative!

The #TBT Junkie-Throw Back Thursdays should have picture guidelines. If you are posting a picture from the day before that is not considered a “Throw Back“. Throw backs pictures are from your awkward teenage stages in life so the rest of us can laugh and make fun of how ugly you were, not from your underwear shopping spree yesterday (Yes, someone actually did that).

TBT? Na, just another half naked selfie.

TBT? Na, just another half naked selfie.

This hashtag rant couldn’t end with just a written lecture…we brought it to a whole new level by creating a video. Our personal speculation of how hashtag hoes go about creating a classic hashtag picture post.

Rest assure, we made a point NOT to leave #One #Fucking #Thing #Out.

Enjoy Bitches.

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