My kid told me she was taking me to court.
According to her, I was guilty of taking too many “Mommy shortcuts” and it was time to bring me to justice once and for all. She was nice enough to offer me a plea deal in exchange for lesser jail time. Her deal was simple, if I would give her 3 candy bars a night for the rest of her life, she would drop all the charges held against me and destroy the evidence. If I didn’t take the deal, I would be looking at some serious jail time…Jail time in Mommy Shaming prison.
I refused her deal, I might take shortcuts here and there but I’d be dammed if she was going to turn into a little fat kid! So, I told her I would take my chances in court.
The next day we found ourselves in the courthouse where she made her case. Below are the court transcripts from the actual trial…
Please rise for the honorable Judge, “Queen Addison“.
Guilty or Not Guilty
Today we are here to decide on a ruling for case #34656, Addison Vs That Girl Ryan. You will hear Ms. Addison layout her case as to why her mother should be found guilty of cutting corners in motherhood. We know that all parties are innocent until proven guilty. However if the opposing party should be found guilty, the defendant will be sentenced to a full term in mommy shamming prison, aka a full hour of playing barbies and making friendship bracelets.
Ms. Addison, please present your case.
Addison took the stand and presented the evidence…
1. My Mom calls this shit, dinner.
2. This is considered educational so I spend a lot of time watching it.
3. She claims she is tired when she wants Daddy to make dinner. That’s just plain #LAZY.
4. I’m only allowed to drink water. She says juice is for sick kids.
I don’t believe that.
5. She hates cleaning.
6. She throws away my artwork because it “clutters” the house.
7. Her other “kids” can sleep in her bed…
I am not allowed.
8. I am the photographer for her blog postings…
and I don’t even get paid for it.
9. This is my favorite picture…
My mom says I can’t hang it up because it creeps her out.
10. These do not fit me…
but I wear them anyway.
11. According to my mom, taking a good selfie is a life skill…
I have mastered it.
12. She hides from our neighbors…
and makes me hide with her.
13. Baths only happen once a week…
and so does brushing my hair.
14. She usually never has enough food in the house…
but always enough beer.
After she presented her case, the judge made her final decision….
That Girl Ryan you have been found GUILTY.
I was immediately taken into custody and went to Mommy Shaming Prison where I played Barbies and made friendship bracelets for a full hour.
It. Was. Hell.
That Girl Ryan 
My favorite Mommy Shaming moment was when Alex told me he wanted to go live with a foster but only after Christmas! I told him I would call him a cab – I can’t remember what my infraction was probably something to do with a doughnut. I was also accused of misrepresenting the weather – “you said it was going to be a nice day Mom!” and letting he dog out on a snow day “I wanted to be the first one out in the snow and now you ruined it!” – ah, the memories!
Hahahaha Alex was a tough kid to please, I don’t blame you. I probably would have shipped him off to Africa by the age of 5. Then he would have appreciated everything after that!
While it’s no surprise do learn that you’re a half-assed mother, your daughter is just as cute as can be. You maybe needed better legal representation. I’m sure we could have gotten you out of friendship bracelets in exchange for Bubble Guppies or something.
Clearly an guilty of being a half assed mother, no arguments here. However I definitely make some cute add kids. I could have used your expertise for sure, bubble guppies would have been a better sentence.
Sorry, but I gotta go with the cute kid. Half a candy bar for her photography work, Mom! C’mon…
She may get more payment via candy bars if she keeps up the good work. We support free child labor in this house. Lol
Your daughter is over-the-moon adorable! And I love all of her mommy shaming photos. We only do bath time like once a week here, too. And I never clean. And dinner is sometimes chips. Hey the “juice is only for sick kids” is pretty brilliant. I’m going to have to try that one! And Don’s suggestion about exchanging friendship bracelets for Bubble Guppies is something to keep in mind!
So happy to hear about bath time, I feel incredibly guilty when it’s Friday and my kid was bathed on Monday lol. The juice thing is brilliant, still works most of the time!!
You have a budding lawyer and judge in the house. Could be a long childhood for you. But…just think of the good side, she’ll be able to support you in your elder years. 🙂
Good point, she will keep me on my toes until it’s time to bail me out of jail one day. Love the perspective lol!
My little guy only gets a bath once a week too — Doctor’s orders! Daily baths dry out their skin and are unnecessary. So tell your little judge you want an appeal on the grounds that you now have an expert witness.
I love her facial expressions in these pictures!
Hahaha good to know! Dirty is better! Lol thanks for stopping by 🙂
omg you are hilarious! love the pics of your daughter… that jesus one would creep me out too!
Hahaha thank you. Yes the Jesus pic is horrifying and I’m a bit worried as to why it’s my daughters favorite lol.
I am so guilty of most of these. I guess I will have to now spend time with my son playing video games. Pleease don’t make me do it!
I am most guilty of avoiding the neighbors and make my kids do it too.
I can’t stand my neighbors or talking to them. I’m glad I’m not the only one. And ps I would take video games over friendship bracelets any day…boys are awesome. Play babies for and hour and you will appreciate the video games more.
I have had an appreciation for video games forever. I was thinking it was more of a “punishment” like being grounded from talking to you neighbors, or being on probation from work where you are on paid leave.