I got slapped with a speeding ticket this week. Doing 91 in a 65 is apparently too fast…who knew?
I’m from Jersey. When you have a sign that says, 65 MPH it’s safe to assume the normal speed is at LEAST 85mph which means I was only going over by 6 MPH.
Logic people, logic.
Speed Demon
By the time I saw the officer in my rear view window, it was too late. That fucker caught me.
I swerved over to the shoulder and collected my necessary identification, waiting for the officer to approach. I glanced in the mirror to fix my lipstick and realized I had forgotten to put on makeup this morning. Shit.
This was going to be tough to get out of with no makeup on. To make matters worse, I hadn’t had my coffee. My bitchiness levels are always high before coffee.
I took a deep breathe and said to myself, “Ryan, be a nice girl. Be sweet and flash a smile.”
But in reality I thought:
My thoughts were interrupted by the short midget Mexican cop knocking on my back window, “Ma’m, roll down your window”
I rolled down the passenger side window.
“Ma’m, roll down your back window and put your hands on the steering wheel where I can see them” he was anxious and looked nervous.
I felt the bitchiness levels rising at a rapid pace…”Well, OFFICER OF THE LAW, I can’t roll the back window down if my hands are on the steering wheel. This car has bluetooth, not fucking mind-reading-tooth”
“Ma’m, just roll down the window”
I complied as the officer peeked in to find anything illegal stashed in the back.
All he found was a left over bag of Doritos and a car seat.
I was annoyed at this point because this man felt threatened by me. Granted I had no makeup on, I’m sure he was a bit scared but still, white girl with a carseat…come on bro.
We had some unfriendly banter back and forth…
He questioned me asking why I thought I had gotten pulled over.
I responded by questioning him, why he questioned me, since he was the one who pulled me over.
He sat perplexed, which was my original plan…confuse him with questions and it worked. He smiled knowing he had been defeated and walked back to his car. He came back to the window after fifteen minutes and handed me a piece of paper…
“Have a nice day. Ma’m. I cut you a break today”
You cut me a break? How? You still gave me a ticket? And now you want me to have a nice day? Sure, I’ll have a nice day when you pull back on the highway and get run over by an 18 wheeler.
Kidding, I would never wish that, but seriously if it happened, I would smile a little before taking my time to call 911 on your behalf. The rage I feel for traffic cops could crush the Great Wall of China…
I sat for a minute and looked into the mirror and said…
Who could ticket this face? Who?
I flashed myself a smile to get back on a positive note and that’s when I saw it…a massive piece of kale left over from my healthy “green” smoothie.
Fucking, kale…you ruined it!
No wonder why I got a speeding ticket, not only did I not have make up on but I had a large thing of kale just hanging out. How can anyway take you seriously with a bunch of kale shoved up in your teeth?
Can YOU spot the kale?
I wished at that moment I had a time machine. If I had a time machine this would have never happened to me…I would go back to the age of 6 and make this all alright.
*Flash Back, circa 1991*
“Now Ryan, wear this retainer every night till the age of 10. You will have perfect teeth and we will close that gap up nice and tight! Nothing will get in or out!”
“Yes Dr. Orthodontist”
Fuck that shit, I’m not wearing it.
If I had just listened to the damn dentist that day, I would have been happily driving myself to work on Monday morning. Humming along, thinking of a better blog post to write for this week.
AND if I had worn my retainer, I wouldn’t have shot juice through my teeth in 10th grade.
If I had not shot juice through my teeth in 10th grade, I wouldn’t have gotten made fun of by my classmates making me bitter about my teeth.
If I wasn’t bitter, I would have not been driving like a mad woman down the highway.
And if I was not driving like a bitter, mad woman, I wouldn’t have gotten pulled over for speeding with kale stuck in my teeth.
And If I didn’t have kale stuck in my slight-gaped tooth, I would have successfully gotten out of my speeding ticket.
Kale may be the god of all vegetables but it will ruin your life, especially if you didn’t wear your retainer when you were 6.
That Girl Ryan 
Your attitude towards authority, particularly law enforcement is very troubling, much like your lead foot. This New Jersey place you speak of sounds like an awful place. Is that the place where all the beaches have syringes and stuff on them?
Yes that would be the place. My attitude towards authority stems from a long run in with many dick head cops. No respect
Frankly I’d like to go back to 1991 with you too. I’d like to meet the
Dang iphone posting on its own…
I was trying to say that I’d like to go back to 1991 with you. I’d like to meet the parents who bought the story that there is any earthly bit of use in putting braces on a 6 year old. Because there’s a bridge in Brooklyn I have for sale…
Lol when I was older I questioned that same logic and they said the orthodontist was “progressive” in his thinking…if you sell the bridge as a new trend, you got yourself a deal.
Ace has already had them and is into her retainer…which she wears religiously, Girl Ryan!! She’s 10 so maybe she was 7 when she got them?
And for you, Don, I have a very special deal on some oceanfront property in Arizona…
Ah yes the delightful retainer. Mine got “lost” on an Hawaiian vacation when I was 10. What was I thinking? Your post also got me thinking about that time I drove through the Canadian border the wrong way and 4 officers (just so special) poured out of the building and rapped on my window. I opened the passenger one too…
Yes I have “lost” my retainer many a times. They always seemed to reappear every time too. Lol o silly Canadians! Who would have known the passenger window was such a thing nowadays.
I loved it! Totally took me by surprise with where it went and made me laugh. Thanks for the morning chuckle! I had to warn my students that kale may cause them some bathroom issues if they ate too much of it at lunch. Maybe kale is really out to get us….
Haha it was a half ass attempt to wrap in a prompt…but I’ll keep that a secret lol. Yes right? Kale can be a terrible thing for bathrooms, whoa. I’m thinking kale is brainwashing us all slowly…
That jackass cop. He should have forgiven you your kale teeth once he saw how hot the rest of you is. Also? WTF to getting braces when you’re six years old. Don’t six year olds still have baby teeth falling out and stuff? Loved your funniness as always, Girl Ryan. Oh and not sure what the laws are everywhere but here, if you get caught speeding 20mph or more over the limit, it’s a freaking reckless driving ticket. Like $1100 or something.
Haha right? Kale happens, move on. I had numerous teeth pulled which is why I assume I was able to get braces so early. Almost 7 yrs of braces, I guess they could have waited and just kept it a shorter span. Doctors, psh what do they know?
Ya the cop could have given me a big fine but he was a tiny bit generous and knocked it down to a lesser ticket, but STILL…it’s nj And that’s how we roll.
Bwahaha- the kale! That made me laugh out loud. That really sucks. The last cop who pulled me over was a lady and I told her the reason I didn’t come to a complete stop was because my kids had just gone back to school for the fall, and I was high on freedom. She gave me her business card instead. š
HAHAHA That is the best response ever. If she gave you a ticket after that, she isn’t a human. LOL, I will be trying that next time.
I just love how bitter you were about the whole thing. My wife brought home some kale and it was then that I knew she was giving up. Which was fine with me. More ice cream for me!