Caution! I Will Judge Your Facebook Status.

4 Dec

As I peruse through Facebook every day, I have begun to learn from most of my Facebook Friends their PFS (Predictable Facebook Statuses).

It may be that I have too much time on my hands, yes I am well aware, but I found this quite amusing and decided to share my stereotypes with you all because I assume I am not the only one out there  judging others based on their facebook statuses.

However, I asked myself, what if we started to respond to these posts? Yes, Instead of pressing “like” because you know it’s polite, what if you went crazy and wrote what you are REALLY thinking?

Well, I am not that ballsy yet, but If I was, this is what I would say.

1. Dear Abby Mothers

Dear Abby mothers are women who have recently become mothers. They post everything about their kids and usually ask for advice. It’s cute to see their kids pictures, but sometimes their posts just get too…well, graphic….

Karen’s Status: Ok, Facebook Moms! Johnny is almost 3 weeks old and won’t latch on! Any advice how I can get this little angel to latch on the right nipple?!

Listen Karen, Little Johnny is cute, and if you want him to milk you like a cow that’s your deal, but I’d recommend getting a book. I don’t need a visualization of that shit. Thanks.

2. Facebook Hoochies

My personal favorite. If Facebook hoochies and ever got together, I think it might be a money maker. These girls have the need to “Facebook photo” themselves at every waking moment. I am still trying to figure out why they do this. You know it’s bad when you log into your newsfeed and think for a split second you logged into to porn site.

Sample Facebook Hoochie Post:

Yes, I was guilty of being a Facebook Hoochie back in the day.

Yes, I was guilty of being a Facebook Hoochie back in the day.


3. The “Inviters”

I wish I could delete the inviters. The inviters “invite” you to join some dumb facebook app that sends notifications to your Iphone. I get all excited thinking that someone wrote on my wall or commented on my facebook hoochie photo, but nooooo, I get this:

Facebook Notification: Cindy has invited you play Farmville! Click here to join her.

Listen Cindy, I don’t want to play fucking Farmville. I don’t know why anyone on earth would want to pretend to be a fucking farmer. I deal with pigs and clean up enough shit at work so I think I’ll pass on this one.


4. My Life’s a Lyric– Those people who post a lyric for what ever situation they are going through in life.

Ronald’s Status: More Money, More Problems – Biggie Smalls

Ronald, you don’t make enough money to post this lyric, you’re a floor manager at foot locker.


Stacey’s Status: “Go on now, go, walk out that door! / Just turn around now / cause you’re not welcome any more / Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?”

Ah, No! Another break up Stacey? He needs to treat you with R.E.S.P.E.C.T/Find out what it means. AMEN girlfriend.

5. Status Teasers

Now, i’m not going to lie, facebook IS a stalking mechanism, but that is such a creepy word, so we use “staying in touch” (sounds better). I frequently “stay in touch” with people and know what happens in their life. As I scroll down my newsfeed, I can see Rebecca got engaged to that nasty guy Tom and that Gary has a new job, YEA! Way to go Gary!

But it’s those people who “Tease” us with their statuses that drive me nuts. They don’t give you enough information and its not like you can call them up and ask because you haven’t spoken to them in years….

Tessa’s Status: I could seriously scream right now, back at the hospital…

What happened Tessa? You were doing so well! You just got a new car, moved into a new apartment, why are you at the hospital?! OMG, don’t leave me hanging here.


6. Closet Republicans

These people surface around election time. It’s those facebook friends that you never expected to be a republican, and,  A LOUD Facebook republican at that.

Ted’s Status: I voted the RIGHT way because I want a better economy. No more OSAMA.

O shit, not you Ted! Dammit, I really liked you Ted. How did I not see this? Really, a republican? Well, I guess I wont be asking you to lend me a couple bucks for lunch, sheez.


7. Facebook Bridezilla (Pre and Post Wedding)

We ALL have one of these girls, some of us have been these girls. They are just about to get married, or just have, and turn their facebook page into a fucking promotion.


Pre-Wedding Bridezilla

Alyssa’s status 12 days ago…43 days and 12 hours till I marry my best friend!

Alyssa’s status 2 days ago: 12 days, 30 minutes and 43 seconds till I marry my best friend!

Alyssa’s Status 3 hours ago: Tomorrow I get married! Omg!

Hey, so are you getting married? I wasn’t sure…

Post-Wedding Bridezilla:

Alyssa’s status 3 days ago: First Friday night watching 20/20 with my hubby!

Alyssa’s Status 2 days ago: First Christmas dinner eating steak at 6pm being married!

Alyssa’s Status 6 hours ago: Happy 3 week and 72 hour anniversary. Love you!———With Mike Palindas

 Dear Alyssa, So happy for you that you got married, best wishes, but your wedding was 17 days, 5 hours and 43 minutes ago, and its time to move on. Thanks.


8. Insta-Fatty

Ah, the Insta-Fatty. Let’s see, these people are OBSESSED with taking pictures of their food. I don’t get how food can get so much play on Facebook, but Insta-fatties make it work!

Peggy Status: At that new Thai Restaurant! Yum, look how great this looks!


Looks great Peg! But we all know you’ll be on the toilet bowl 24 hours from now. Won’t be saying how great that Thai Pad was when your ass is on fire. But hey, enjoy!

9. Long Lost Friends

This category is exactly what it is, those childhood friends you reconnected with later on in life. The moment you see the friend request you get all excited!

Me and Fred used to play school at his house. OOO and we put on a puppet show for my parents at my house! This is great, my best childhood friend found me!

But then you see what they REALLY have been up to all these years…

Fred: Been smoking weed all day long… ya heard?>!

O, Fred, you really went down hill after I moved in third grade didn’t you? I guess D.A.R.E didn’t really resonate too well eh?

10. The Unknowns

These are the people you have no idea how you became friends or who they are, yet your too lazy to delete them on Facebook.

Facebook Notification: Chenny Kirk has sent you an invite to: PARtY RoCKInG! Friday, December 29th, 2012!

I’m sorry have we met? WHO ARE YOU!?

Yes, So there you have it, My Facebook Sterotypes.

11 Responses to “Caution! I Will Judge Your Facebook Status.”

  1. Serena April 1, 2013 at 2:59 pm #

    Yeah, you really nailed it TGR, gave me a few chuckles and nods. I think you’d have to stereotype me as ‘now you see her / now you don’t’ I hang around until my friend cynicism returns then I have great fun de-friending everyone I spent so long friending 🙂

    • rynolexson April 1, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

      Thanks! So glad you enjoyed…There are so many FB stereotypes that i should probably include a round 2!

  2. aliceatwonderland April 1, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

    I think you hit every single one – and every reason why I ran screaming from Facebook. Very funny.

  3. Marissa Othon April 1, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

    Very funny. I could edit my post about why I left Facebook and just say see That Girl Ryan’s post.

  4. christinapertz1 April 2, 2013 at 3:47 am #

    OMG I love it! New follower! This was hilarious and so remarkably true!

  5. Lara April 2, 2013 at 9:40 am #

    Great post! The only one missing was the how much I LOVE my AMAZING partner poster which unfortunately seems to be code for I am having a sordid affair with someone and Im either feeling guilty or want to throw everyone off track. Oh and also the ‘inspirational ‘ quoter who warms your heart everyday with quotes like “Live each day like you are dancing in the rain” but who basically does nothing else inspirational with their life. Oh once you start this you can go on forever…

    • rynolexson April 2, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

      Both of these were on my list but didn’t make the final draft…but i know what you mean…They both exist! I’m sure there are so many that i missed. The best part of this is trying to determine which category you put yourself into.
      Thanks for the comment!


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