Re-Posting this from last year, it’s too priceless not to share again!
Enjoy Mother’s day Weekend Everyone!
If you haven’t gotten your mother anything by this point in time, its too late. Running to CVS to buy a last minute bath set is TOO obvious. You might as well make a card and write a nice poem, mothers always seem to enjoy that.
Available at your local CVS Store
Although, if my daughter grows up and writes me a poem for a gift, I might be offended. Let’s see- I pushed you out , stayed up many nights with you while you threw up, shit, and drooled all over me and all you can write is a poem? Yea, maybe that’s not the best idea, stick with the CVS bath-set.
Anyways, id thought this year I’d do something special different for my mom.
She has been tip-toeing around me, on her best behavior for fear that my next blog post would be about her and her darkest secrets…
Well mom, the wait is over, NOW is YOUR moment!
Let me just say, my mom is an amazing woman. She is the best person I know and I wouldn’t be me without her. She has taught me to be strong, motivated and to never apologize for being myself. She has also been my best friend since the age of 20 (because during the teen years, your supposed to hate your mom).
That being said, Ive learned a lot from my mother and there are some things I think are worth sharing.
1. Saturdays are for cleaning
In school Fridays were never about Pizza Day or the day before the weekend. Fridays for me were The day before cleaning day. Saturday was ALWAYS cleaning day. If the apocalypse hits on a Friday, your still shit out of luck because your ass is getting up at 7am on Saturday and cleaning. When we finally got a cleaning lady I thought all my chore problems would go away but no, Saturdays became the day to clean before the cleaning lady.
2. Girls Always Wipe From Front to Back
I’ve always wondered why? No idea, but it might have something to do with my vagina. 24 years and counting of Yeast infection sobriety. Thanks mom.
3. Fashionably late never exists
My mother shows up everywhere 30 minutes early. Know those people in your life that you show up late to EVERYTHING. Like you send them a different party invite with the start time earlier than it is? Well my mom is the opposite. She is the person you change the invitation to say 30 minutes later…
4. Never shave the tops of your legs
I listened to this advice till about 8th grade. Then one day I wore shorts and I was deemed “Hairy Tops”. I never got why she thought you shouldn’t shave the tops of your legs, until I noticed the tops of her legs aren’t the only thing she skips out on shaving. Now, I understand.
5. Photogenic ability is a gift, not a right and sometimes my mom just doesn’t have it…
Like this…
Or This…
Resemblance?
And Finally This…
Well nobody looks good in this one.
6. Once you go black, you never go back
This was in reference to a white girl dating a black guy. I always assumed it was negative. Then I started hearing the rumor that black guys got big “Disco Sticks”. Now I’m starting to see the truth. Once you have had black, there Aint NO REASON to go back to white. You Go Mama-O
7. Never put a TV in your bedroom, it’s unproductive
According to Mama-O, the bedroom is for sleeping and “something else”. The minute I moved out, I put a TV in my bedroom and realized that watching TV in bed while doing “something else” is multitasking.
Speaking of “Something Else” that reminds me:
8. The “Sex Conversation” doesn’t have to be a conversation at all
When I learned what sex was at the age of 7, I went home, disturbed, and ask my mother
“I learned about sex today…you and dad don’t do that do you?”
“Yes we do and you should feel lucky that your parents still have sex very regularly after this many years of marriage”
-END CONVERSATION-
9. She Puts All Hand Talkers to Shame
10. You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide
I remember a day when my mom owned that ugly box 90’s van, light blue to be exact. My sister and I ran away from home, I was 7, Sam was 2. We packed our barbies in a suitcase and planned to skip town. We made it to the local playground and hid out. After about an hour (Yea, it took an hour for her to notice her bundles of joy were missing)I see my mother’s van speeding up and down the street like a mad woman. By the way she was driving, she was mad-I mean pissed off- gunna kick my ass -mad. She found us partly because it was dinner time and I was hungry and because two blondes hiding in a slide were a dead give-away.
When you saw this, it was all over
11. No dinner table conversation is off limits
My family has the most inappropriate dinner conversations. Some topics have included; how big my sisters poop was, the importance of using condoms. But the one that takes the cake; My mother bragging that my father didn’t need Viagra at the age of 49 in which my youngest sister replied, “What’s Viagra?”
More Sausages anyone?
12. Punishments get easier with sibling order
My sister and I grew up during a time when spanking was still OK. It was never considered child abuse. We would stuff towels in our pants before we knew we were going to get spank to ease the hand of my parents. Our little tactic worked well until my sister started laughing hysterically while she was getting spanked-mom caught on real quick.
Now I see my youngest sister get punished and there is no spanking, not even a threat of spanking. Her punishment is “Go to your room and play your with your kindle-your punished” I was definitely born in the wrong order.
13. You will always be responsible for raising your male spouse
This is so true and I wished I listened to this piece of advice a little more. Not only do I have remind my husband to change his underwear, but I also have to shop for his outfits and teach him how to chop onions. Step it up Boy-Mothers, your children are killing us women.
14. There are two types of people in this world, those who are Chowns and those who want to be Chowns
Chown is my mother’s maiden name. I always thought this saying meant Chown women were long legged, tall and have gorgeous million dollar smiles. But recently, my sisters boyfriend clued me into what this REALLY means. When my sister asked him:
“What do us “O” girls have in common with our mom”
To which her boyfriend replied:
“Everything. Your boobs, you all have nice boobies”
AND That is what it means to be a Chown or want to be a Chown- It’s all in the Boobs.
15. White Girls Can Dance
16. Love is a Choice
The best and last thing I have learned from my mother is that Love is a Choice. You don’t fall in love, you choose to love and this piece of advice I TRY to live by everyday. There are some days that this choice is difficult and days that it is impossible, but I wake up each day choosing to love not only my spouse, but everything and everyone around me.
Mom, I hope you can choose to love me after this blog post.
Happy Mother’s Day everyone!
That Girl Ryan 