Tag Archives: Poop

She Got It From Her Mama

9 May

Re-Posting this from last year, it’s too priceless not to share again!

Enjoy Mother’s day Weekend Everyone!

 

If you haven’t gotten your mother anything by this point in time, its too late. Running to CVS to buy a last minute bath set is TOO obvious. You might as well make a card and write a nice poem, mothers always seem to enjoy that.

Available at your local CVS Store

Available at your local CVS Store

Although, if my daughter grows up and writes me a poem for a gift, I might be offended. Let’s see- I pushed you out , stayed up many nights with you while you threw up, shit, and drooled all over me and all you can write is a poem? Yea, maybe that’s not the best idea, stick with the CVS bath-set.

Anyways, id thought this year I’d do something special different for my mom.

She has been tip-toeing around me, on her best behavior for fear that my next blog post would be about her and her darkest secrets…

Well mom, the wait is over, NOW is YOUR moment!

momaddy

Let me just say, my mom is an amazing woman. She is the best person I know and I wouldn’t be me without her. She has taught me to be strong, motivated and to never apologize for being myself. She has also been my best friend since the age of 20 (because during the teen years, your supposed to hate your mom).

That being said, Ive learned a lot from my mother and there are some things I think are worth sharing.

1. Saturdays are for cleaning

In school Fridays were never about Pizza Day or the day before the weekend. Fridays for me were The day before cleaning day. Saturday was ALWAYS cleaning day. If the apocalypse hits on a Friday, your still shit out of luck because your ass is getting up at 7am on Saturday and cleaning. When we finally got a cleaning lady I thought all my chore problems would go away but no, Saturdays became the day to clean before the cleaning lady.

2. Girls Always Wipe From Front to Back

I’ve always wondered why? No idea, but it might have something to do with my vagina. 24 years and counting of Yeast infection sobriety. Thanks mom.

3. Fashionably late never exists

My mother shows up everywhere 30 minutes early. Know those people in your life that you show up late to EVERYTHING. Like you send them a different party invite with the start time earlier than it is? Well my mom is the opposite. She is the person you change the invitation to say 30 minutes later…

4. Never shave the tops of your legs

I listened to this advice till about 8th grade. Then one day I wore shorts and I was deemed “Hairy Tops”. I never got why she thought you shouldn’t shave the tops of your legs, until I noticed the tops of her legs aren’t the only thing she skips out on shaving. Now, I understand.

5. Photogenic ability is a gift, not a right and sometimes my mom just doesn’t have it…

Like this…

409768_1780863924967_1402334692_n

Or This…

Resemblance?

Resemblance?

And Finally This…

Well nobody looks good in this one.

Well nobody looks good in this one.

6. Once you go black, you never go back

This was in reference to a white girl dating a black guy. I always assumed it was negative. Then I started hearing the rumor that black guys got big “Disco Sticks”. Now I’m starting to see the truth. Once you have had black, there Aint NO REASON to go back to white. You Go Mama-O

7. Never put a TV in your bedroom, it’s unproductive

According to Mama-O, the bedroom is for sleeping and “something else”. The minute I moved out, I put a TV in my bedroom and realized that watching TV in bed while doing “something else” is multitasking.

Speaking of “Something Else” that reminds me:

8. The “Sex Conversation” doesn’t have to be a conversation at all

When I learned what sex was at the age of 7, I went home, disturbed, and ask my mother

“I learned about sex today…you and dad don’t do that do you?”

“Yes we do and you should feel lucky that your parents still have sex very regularly after this many years of marriage”

-END CONVERSATION-

9. She Puts All Hand Talkers to Shame

10. You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide

I remember a day when my mom owned that ugly box 90’s van, light blue to be exact. My sister and I ran away from home, I was 7, Sam was 2. We packed our barbies in a suitcase and planned to skip town. We made it to the local playground and hid out. After about an hour (Yea, it took an hour for her to notice her bundles of joy were missing)I see my mother’s van speeding up and down the street like a mad woman. By the way she was driving, she was mad-I mean pissed off- gunna kick my ass -mad. She found us partly because it was dinner time and I was hungry and because two blondes hiding in a slide were a dead give-away.

When you saw this, it was all over

When you saw this, it was all over

11. No dinner table conversation is off limits

My family has the most inappropriate dinner conversations. Some topics have included; how big my sisters poop was, the importance of using condoms. But the one that takes the cake; My mother bragging that my father didn’t need Viagra at the age of 49 in which my youngest sister replied, “What’s Viagra?”

More Sausages anyone?

12. Punishments get easier with sibling order

My sister and I grew up during a time when spanking was still OK. It was never considered child abuse. We would stuff towels in our pants before we knew we were going to get spank to ease the hand of my parents. Our little tactic worked well until my sister started laughing hysterically while she was getting spanked-mom caught on real quick.

Now I see my youngest sister get punished and there is no spanking, not even a threat of spanking. Her punishment is “Go to your room and play your with your kindle-your punished” I was definitely born in the wrong order.

13. You will always be responsible for raising your male spouse

This is so true and I wished I listened to this piece of advice a little more. Not only do I have remind my husband to change his underwear, but I also have to shop for his outfits and teach him how to chop onions. Step it up Boy-Mothers, your children are killing us women.

14. There are two types of people in this world, those who are Chowns and those who want to be Chowns

Chown is my mother’s maiden name. I always thought this saying meant Chown women were long legged, tall and have gorgeous million dollar smiles. But recently, my sisters boyfriend clued me into what this REALLY means. When my sister asked him:

“What do us “O” girls have in common with our mom”

To which her boyfriend replied:

“Everything. Your boobs, you all have nice boobies”

AND That is what it means to be a Chown or want to be a Chown- It’s all in the Boobs.

15. White Girls Can Dance

16. Love is a Choice

The best and last thing I have learned from my mother is that Love is a Choice. You don’t fall in love, you choose to love and this piece of advice I TRY to live by everyday. There are some days that this choice is difficult and days that it is impossible, but I wake up each day choosing to love not only my spouse, but everything and everyone around me.

Mom, I hope you can choose to love me after this blog post.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

girlsqd

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/daily-prompt-mom/

I Named My Pet Peeve, It’s Called “Annoyance”

7 Feb

Pet Peeve

Hello my TGR Readers! This is my 10th post on my blog, Yeah Me for sticking to something!

I was really stumped thinking of what I could write this week to mark my 10th blog posting. It really pissed me off. So after sitting for hours thinking and annoying myself….wala! Being annoyed actually inspired me to write about annoying things…WEIRD annoying things. So, I made a list of my top 5 Pet Peeves.

But before I dive into my list, I want to let you know that I am really interested in what annoys YOU!

At the end of this post, please post your strangest pet peeve and a little bit about why it drives you nuts.

Let’s see who has the strangest pet peeve out there…

My Top 5 Strangest Pet Peeves

1. Fake Huggers

Clearly a fake hug caught in a photo

Clearly a fake hug caught in a photo

 

My publicists and I have gotten into deep discussions about “Fake hugs”. I bet each one of you has a fake hugger in your life. These fake huggers give the weakest, most non-emotional hugs a human being could provide. A feather might actually give you a better hug.

Sometimes I get the hug and just think, “Why even hug me at all? Why don’t we just skip the hug and move on”.

Definition of a fake hug: usually come as a side hug (they reach across you with one arm and hold an itty-bitty squeeze for 3 seconds) or a failed bear hug (they put both arms around you and keep so much space in the middle that you awkwardly have to lean away and hug their shoulders).

Fake huggers, hug you as if you have some contagious disease and they don’t want to get infected. Its ok, because fake huggers are just fake people, never trust a fake hugger. You know how that saying goes, don’t judge a person by how they look? Well, you can definitely judge them by how they hug. One day, I believe there will be a study done on the correlation of bad hugging and bad people.

And just a note, if you have no idea what the hell i’m talking about, chances are you that you give fake hugs. I suggest  learning how to give a proper hug quickly or sticking to classic cheek kissing.

2. Fat People in McDonald’s

There is nothing rewarding about this picture.

There is nothing rewarding about this picture.

Ok, picture this…you have been religiously sticking to your diet and workout routine. You maybe have lost some weight and are feeling great. Now, if your anything like me, you know its time for THE ultimate reward (and I ain’t talking about a shopping spree). You know its time for a Big Mac/ Milkshake Combo at McDonald’s.

So you pull up in your car, butterflies are going off in your tummy as you open that door, and you even trade smiles with a stranger because you both know this is a moment when life is at it’s best. Nobody comes to Micky D’s unhappy.

You continue down that the walkway to the “Place your order” counter and look up as your take your place in line. And that is when you see it, you are standing in line behind THE 700lb man.

Whoomp Whoomp.

I know this is extremely shallow, but it ticks me off to see obese individuals in fast food places. Its like a reminder of why I shouldn’t be there and it’s no where near a satisfying experience.

To be honest, it’s about as satisfying as eating and shitting on the toilet at the same time.

3. Food Thieving

This next pet peeve is a bit extreme, but it makes the top five.  I believe it has something to do with my childhood.

My parents were always against us kids eating junk food-Thank you mom and dad, my hips and ass appreciate it.

You see, when my parents would buy junk food it would only be on special occasions, usually, every 6-8 weeks, minimum. Between my siblings and parents, we would eat junk food like it was going out of style because you just never knew when the  next binge of junk food would be coming. Carpe Diem.

This had a profound effect on dining situations that I have encountered as an adult.

EXAMPLE:

I am sitting in a restaurant and the waiter brings out the food that I had ordered. Lets just say I ordered Lasagna.

Bobby-a friend I am dining with- takes his fork, reaching across the table, and helps himself to a piece of my lasagna.

-End Example-

This might be normal to you, but to me…this is a total FOOD Party FOUL. It doesn’t matter how close of friends Bobby and I are, he just crossed a line.

When this situation occurs, an animal-is-tic rage comes over me and I have visions of taking my fork and poking Stabbing the hand of the food burglar.

First off, certain food items are considered luxuries in my belly (remember, I was a junk-food deprived child). These days the stomach and I-We’re gluten-free. Lasagna is a fucking treat.

Second off, if I wanted to give you a piece I would offer you a piece. There was no asking, no eye contact for approval, Shit, not even a nod that says, WOW, that looks great let me try some-nothing. Just a fork, on my plate, in my food.

When this situation occurs, I usually don’t say anything or make a fuss, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I  had a total melt down over it one day. I think I would grab their mouth, pull the food out  and say something like, “Back off Bitch, that’s my lasagna”.

4. Breathers

This has two sub-categories: Phone breathers and Food breathers.

A.    Phone Breathers….UGH, I come across these people everyday in my profession. They breathe into the phone so much you can’t even understand what they are saying. The worst is when breathers leave me voicemails because you now have to listen to the message 4 times so that you can decode the words between each breathe.

VOICEMAIL:

HMMMMMM, Hello, my name is Cindy, HHMMMMMMM, I am calling to, HMMMMM, To ask if you could give me a call back as soon as you can. 973. Hmmmmmm. 77….hmmmmm….56, HMMMMMMM, Thank you, have a nice Day HHHHHHHHHMMMMM

My immediate thought to Cindy:

Cindy, just write me a fucking email.

B.    Food breathers…These types of people breathe heavily while chewing their food. It’s like eating dinner next to a vacuum.

Unfortunately, My mother falls into this category.  I sometimes get so annoyed by her breathing while she eats, that I have to play my Ipod or talk loudly at the dinner table to drown out the sound.

One time, when she was eating broccoli, she noticed that I was annoyed by her breathing. So to make a point, she asked :

“Ryan, would you rather:

Allow me to eat my broccoli and breathe…….. or Suffocate on the broccoli

I sat for a while thinking about this question….and I decided not to answer.

5. In-betweeners

The finish off my top 5 pet peeve list, I want to explain the “In-betweeners”.

Have you ever been walking through the store and catch a glimpse of a person that has an “in-between” gender? You actually have to ask yourself,  “Is that person a boy or a girl?”.

It's always a surprise

It’s always a surprise

I have noticed that I usually encounter this pet peeve in Walmart and the person always falls under 1 of 2 categories…

1. The Girl Who Could Be a Boy

2. The All-Too-Obvious-Woman

The girl who could be a boy… The Question: is that person a chubby lesbian or a feminine looking man? It’s not like their outfits are dead give-a ways so your eyes always go to the obvious area of the body, The Boobs. But here is what gets tricky, Boobs can be real or they can be man boobs. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

chaz-bono-profile

Chaz, great example

The All-Too-Obvious-Woman….At first glance, your brain thinks, woman, but then you take a second look because  you honestly haven’t seen a single woman your whole life who is as tall as Yow Ming the basketball player. Once you notice the height, you go again to the boobs and see that they are a little off center or a little too pointy to be real, but then again Madonna made that look work in the 80’s.  So you continue to scan for more clue and that most likely brings you to the person’s nails… the nails are always super-long and painted a ridiculous zebra print.

And then you get to the shoes, always a dead give a way.

These all-too-obvious women always do this, no matter what the season or the temperature is outside, they always wear open-toed sandals that are way too small for their feet.

All Too Obvious

All Too Obvious

But even if you have the signs listed above, you never REALLY know the truth.
And that is why I get so annoyed; I can’t even focus on my shopping by this point.

Either way it’s a total loose/loose situation. Sometimes I leave the store in a deep internal conversation….

“That was a guy! Did you not see the hair on the hands?”

“No way, the boobs were too big to be a guy, it was definitely a girl. She was just a Rosie O’Donnel type of girl”

“Ha! Those were total man boobs. They were the result of too much Kentucky Fried Chicken. There wasn’t even a formation of a breast bud present under that shirt!”

And that my friends, concludes my top 5 list.

So now that you know mine, What Are Your Pet Peeves?

 

WAPP

11 Dec

For some reason this topic has come up in conversation over the past two weeks. I feel that this is a sign from the universe. I can no longer avoid the topic, It’s time we addressed this.

Pooping in Public or PIP is a serious phobia that strikes a lot of women, enough women that we could form a group called WAPP (Women Against Pooping in Public). If you feel this way, YOU are not alone; there are a lot of women out there who fear PIPing.

Now you would think this phobia would strike men as well due to their public bathroom set-up. They have urinals AND they have stalls. We all know which activity is used for each. Basically, when your in a urinal everyone sees what your doing. And when your in a stall, everyone knows what your doing. It’s like a public shame room, how do men live under this kind of pressure?

Apparently, according to men (well really my husband who might as well represent all men), this public knowledge doesn’t seem to bother them. I’ve even heard a rumor that men TALK to each other while they are in the stalls, even at work! I just couldn’t imagine speaking to a co-worker while I’m PIPing.

“So Sally, how bout that meeting today…pretty intense huh. PLOP

“I know, do you think they are going to fire Jeff?” PLOP

lewd_conduct_070828_ms

“So, great day were having, huh”
“hmmm, you can say that again. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name..”

WTF? How fucking weird is that? I mean I talk about not shaving my legs and Dutch ovens, but hey, I still got a bit of decency compared to that.

So I decided to explore this potty situation a little deeper. Why do women have a fear of shitting in public? Is it the thinness of the stalls? Is it the fact that other people know your shitting? After speaking with some friends and family, I have complied a few scenario’s of how this phobia affects the “ bathroom situation”.

Scenario #1: You thought you were alone in the bathroom and let your guard down. Unexpectedly a Poop Intruder walks in and the loud “PLOP” is now unavoidable. The gig is up…. What do you do?

A. You remembered that you packed your “poop flats”. These flats are designed to hide your identity while you are in the bathroom. IF the intruder that walked is someone you know, they will not be able to identify you by your shoes.

B. You forgot your poop flats because you never thought of packing poop flats (brilliant). So now you quickly pull your feet up on the wall of the stall and wait until they enter their stall before you exit yours. You avoid being recognized at all angles.

Scenario #2: You are in the bathroom and just about to PIP and an intruder walks in. The intruder enters the stall and sits quietly. You soon realize that this is a stand-off situation. Your not leaving because you’re waiting for the intruder to leave and vice versa…what do you do?

A. You remember that thing in history about Attrition warfare… Attrition warfare is a military strategy in which a belligerent side attempts to win a war by wearing down its enemy to the point of collapse. You decide that today you will engage in battle and stick it out for the long haul. Wait until the opponent realizes that she doesn’t have the luxury of time and decides to stand down. Win for you, Loss for intruder.

B. You realize you have a time limit and there will be no battle for you today. So now you decide to pull out a Flanking Maneuver. Flanking Maneuver is an attack on the sides of an opposing force. If a flanking maneuver succeeds, the opposing force would be surrounded from two or more directions, which significantly reduces the maneuverability of the outflanked force and its ability to defend itself.

Your Flanking Maneuver… flush the toilet excessively until you are…finished. This accomplishes a few things; the smell, the noise and distracts the intruder from realizing what you are actually doing. When you exit the stall, you exit in a timely manner. Because after all, you have accepted the fact that the other person has won the stand-off battle to begin with. It’s just common courtesy.

Welcome to the Jungle

Welcome to the Jungle

Scenario #3: You’re at a friend’s house and the feeling hits. You can’t hold out till you get home, so you have to make a quick decision…what do you do?

A. You wait until the last possible minute, and by that I mean until a turtle appears, and quickly excuse yourself to go the bathroom. You do your business and flush in a record time of 2 min. 45 sec.

You have accomplished two things; you haven’t exceeded the time allotted for peeing, and you haven’t stunk up the bathroom enough to require any use of Lysol or Febreze. Situation avoided. Success.

B. There is no other option. You must revert back to option A and make it work. If you took your time like you do at home, someone might send a search party to “check on you” and you know that kind of embarrassment is worth the wait.

I’m sick of having to deal with these scenarios. The nonsense we go through. There should be changes being made for all women across the world to combat this anxiety. We need to ban together and make some demands…For instance:

  1. All bathroom stalls must be the size of handicapped bathrooms. These sized stalls are much more comfortable for PIPing. They provide ample leg room, a place to hang your purse and a sturdy hand rail (in case one may need that extra support)
  2. Eliminate all automatic flushing toilets; because I will flush when I am ready.
  3. Soft toilet towels. Preferably the brand with the cuddly Snuggle bear on it.
  4. The latest copy of People Magazine
  5. Automatic toilet seat covers, because hovering over the seat is just not ideal in a PIP situation.

We will call these demands, the PIP Amendments for WAPP

We should all start to strive to be THOSE women who “go to town” in public bathrooms, they don’t care who knows it! Well power to you sisters, I hope we can all learn a thing or two about your courage.

But until that day, for those of us who hide behind our Poop Flats, flanking maneuvers and quick-minute-shits…Hang in there and PIP ON!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/04/09/daily-prompt-do-over/

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