Tag Archives: Christmas

2014, Can I Get a Re-Start?

3 Jan

Today is Friday and if you live in the North East, it’s a snow day! No work! No School! Plenty of time to read this entirely-way-to-long-blogpost!!

Since I am stuck inside and bored, I decided to participate in Finish The Sentence Friday .

Today’s Prompt: What are your blogging goals for 2014?

Most of these are not true blogging goals, but they ultimately will effect my blog someway or another so whatever, I made it work.

I have been greatly uninspired to write anything in the past two weeks…shocking I know. However, I realized that all the crap I have been doing instead of blogging, actually gave me some insights into my goals and resolutions for 2014…even if it’s a few days late.

So here we are…just me, you, this keyboard and a new year…

I could end the whole post by saying these few weeks have been filled with eating, drinking, being stupid and then some more eating and drinking, but that wouldn’t be so fun now would it? Seriously though, I ate so much that just the other day, I could have sworn my stomach spoke to me:

“God Dammit, just stop it. You have had enough. Put down the food and nobody will get hurt. Was it necessary to consume 1/4 of that cheesecake in between lunch and dinner yesterday? Do you honestly need another latte this morning? Enough.”

OMG CAN'T STOP

OMG CAN’T STOP

New Year’s resolution #1, eat a little less and save my stomach the pain of digesting mass amounts of shit.

Moving on, two weeks before Christmas I got to witness the beauty of my first preschool Christmas pageant. Honestly, if you are on the fence about having children, have them solely for this reason. Attending the Christmas plays and watching your little person perform is priceless. It’s amazing how 3-4 year old’s can be corralled for more than 30 minutes to sing songs, but even more amazing watching them re-intact the Nativity story.

Even though the Nativity story is totally overplayed, somehow watching preschoolers act it out adds a whole new level of excitement.

Addison’s part this year was The North Star; one of the most important characters in the play if you ask me. Without that star, those three wise-bums would have never been able to find the glorious baby Jesus. If they couldn’t find the baby, then who would of even known he was born? The Little Drummer Boy wouldn’t have made it big and Joseph might have even accused Mary of adultery due to the lack of world acknowledgement regarding little Jesus’s birthday.

“Mary, nobody is showing up for this kid’s birthday. You said his birth was an act of god, immaculate conception or whatever, but it doesn’t seem like a big deal so I’m going to say, you’re full of shit.”

So basically, the Northern Star is the reason for the CHRISTmas season.

I had no idea what Addison’s pageant would entail; we were only directed to dress her up in all yellow and practice her line for the play. When I say her line for the play, I mean six words. Have you ever tried getting a three year old to memorize a sentence? It’s like getting your dog to pee in a toilet, they always miss the target…plus their ADD kicks in halfway through.

This was Addison’s line, “I see the Wisemen following me”.

That was it. Easy right? No, every time she would add a spin on it and it always sounded like it had a child-molesting double meaning….for example:

“I see the man looking at me”

“There is a Wise guy following me”

“These three men won’t stop following me”

People these days are so over sensitive and look into everything trying to make it more than it is. I was terrified someone in the crowd would take her messed up line as a subliminal message that she was being abused. I kept imagining her screwing up the line and then hours later getting a knock on the door from the police. So I decided to send out the good acting vibes out into the universe to ensure her success.

Dear Universe, please help Addison nail this line in the play so we can keep her. Thank you.

As Addison entered the stage in her Star costume, I lost it. I laughed so hard I had to literally get up and walk around to keep from disrupting the whole show. Her costume wasn’t even close to what I had imagined it would be. The teachers were glaring in my direction… I just couldn’t contain my giggles. The preschool staff is not the biggest fan of my husband and I. We miss out on a lot of parent-child activities due to work so you can just imagine how well my laughing fit added to my stellar mommy reputation…

IMG_0538 (1)

Cannot wait to show this kid’s future boyfriend this picture.

After I calmed down a bit, I started to examine the North Star costume a bit further…it reminded me of an outfit I had seen in history class….

Christopher Columbus?

No.

Big Bird?

No, but close.

The Klu Klux Klan?

HA, yes, definitely a Klan member outfit decked out in gold. That pointy hat could be spotted a mile away and my blonde-hair blue eyed looking Aryan child completed the KKK look.

This school dressed my kid up in a Klan outfit and had her star in a Christian play…the irony was just too much for me to handle.

Does anyone see this resemblance?

Does anyone see this resemblance?

New Year’s resolution #2: Stop feeling guilty about not being able to fully participate in preschool events due to work. This picture can always be used to question the preschool’s real agenda. 

As Christmas grew near, I returned home one evening to find a business card stuck in the crack of my door. I saw the card was from the local Police Department. My heart literally stopped.

Shit, it must be Levi-the cat killing dog. One of our neighbors must have called the cops on him.

He was recently accused of killing cat #2 just last week (which by the way was never confirmed as there were no witnesses, only speculations. Remember…Innocent until proven guilty.)

Dog Shame

Dog Shame

I immediately starting yelling at Levi for being so damn obvious about his cat indiscretions. As his dog mommy, I completely accept his serial cat killing tendencies, but he really needs to be less obvious about his victims. Picking two cats that live across the street from us is just way too obvious, I advised him that going a little further down the street would divert suspicion away from him and onto other dogs.  At least down the street there were more dogs without invisible fences that he could pin the murders on.

Seriously, this dog needs to watch some more Dateline.

As I put the card down, it fell to the floor and flipped over… there was a note on the back.

The note read, in terrible handwriting, “The police advice that you to move your car from Fresh Market (Fresh Market is a local grocery store).”

What in the hell does that mean? Why did the cop misspell “advise”? What an idiot.

The relief was only replaced by fear because not even ten minutes before I found this card, I was shopping at Fresh Market!

How could that cop have seen me at the store and arrived to my house before I got home? How did he know where I lived? Was this some weird joke? Is it even legal to run my plates then leave a poorly hand written note on my home door? If I parked illegally, why not just write me a parking ticket? Why the fuck did he come to my house?!

I called the officer on his line and left a voicemail asking why he was at my house and what the hell that note meant. To this day, he has never called me back…even scarier.

Stalking 101: Leave creepy note regarding whereabouts on door

Stalking 101: Leave creepy note regarding whereabouts on door

I can’t say that I am surprised in the least. I mean most officers have terrible handwriting and can’t spell. Plus, I have yet to come into contact with an officer who ever had a decent notepad on them to write a decent note.

Like this one time, a cop came to my house after a neighbor had complained about the noise coming from my old apartment. My friend and her boyfriend were fighting and our nosy neighbor felt the need to intrude on their daily fighting routine. If our neighbor had only known how many times this couple would fight, they would know it’s nothing new. Anyhow, after the cop came in and decided to arrest my friend for her smart remarks (which were very offensive) he asked my husband for a pen and paper to write down the address of the station where we could pick her up after she had been booked. As my husband searched high and low to help out the unprepared officer, my friend made one last remark….

“You are a police officer and you don’t even carry around a fucking pen or notepad?”

From that point on, I have yet to find a police officer who is prepared…And yes, if you were wondering, I am from NJ where people speak to law enforcement like that. It’s a way of life here.

Anyways, back to the point of this story….I have considered all the possibilities as to why this officer left his card and note and given the circumstances…I believe I have a stalker, a law enforcement stalker.

New Year’s resolution #3: Keep an eye out for any and all suspicious activity. Also, tell my readers this story in case I end up dead.

Fast forward to a week later and we come to New Year’s Eve. My sister and her boyfriend scored us all tickets to a “rave” concert in New York City.

What a crazy fun night we had; it was an interesting crowd and scene.

My two observations:

#1. The rave crowd found glow-in-the-dark lights more interesting than my 3 year old.

#2 Everyone was half naked.

It was a pretty cool scene.

photo(9)

Tight Crowd

photo(8)

Me and My Sister

Being at this concert, it came to my attention that my husband is getting too old, too quickly.

He is balding at an incredible rate...signs of being too old.

He is losing hair at an incredible rate…signs of being too old.

You see, there is this new drug called “Molly” (I watched a Dateline special all about it) and it usually can be found in places like the one we were at on New Year’s Eve. I guess it’s all the rage with younger kids these days.

Of course it was just too priceless that Boy Ryan was offered one by a random guy. It was even better that I had the privilege to hear the whole conversation….

Random Guy: “Hey dude, want some Molly?”

Boy Ryan: “Who? Molly? No thanks, I am married.”

What a guy, right? How can you not love my husband for his ever so innocent response?

Anyways, after my realization of how old Boy Ryan was getting, I decided to do something young and stupid, just to bring me back down to my 20’s something mentality. My big decision to combat “old” mentality…Crowd Surfing.

I informed Boy Ryan of my revelation and while he politely declined to join me, he was nice enough to set the whole thing up by getting the attention of 10-15 drunk guys to catch me. I figured the rest of the crowd would catch on once I started surfing so I took a deep breath and flew off the stage…in my $80 dress, black tights and 3 inch heels into the hands of strangers. They carried me about 2-3 feet and dropped me face first on the floor.

It. Was. Awesome.

After returning to the stage, I felt a sense of accomplishment and embarrassment, but mostly accomplishment.

New Year’s resolution #4: Attend more events like this to keep me young.

New Year’s Day came and went and I missed most of it because I needed a full recovery day, but when I woke up on Jan 2nd, I knew this year was going to be great! And it was until Addison starting hacking out her lungs early that morning. I called out of work and appreciated the extra day off. I debated taking her to the doctor until my work told me that I needed a doctor’s note to be excused from work, so then obviously I had no choice…to the doctor she would go.

Bringing my kid to the doctors on most occasions is a waste of time. After $30 to get the doctor’s note for work and no tangible diagnosis (surprise, surprise) I pulled into a gas station to buy Addison a drink; she had been asking me all day for the “blue” drink at Exxon.

As I started to get out of my car, a policeman whipped in right behind me with his lights flashing.

SHIT. What is it with these fuckers? This guy literally came out of nowhere.

Ugh O, the really important Police men have something to say

The really important Police Men have something to say

He motioned for me to get back into my car… clearly I was being pulled over. I glanced at Addison and asked her if she could start crying or screaming or coughing dramatically. She told me no because she didn’t want to go to jail.

I have some work to do with this kid…we could make a great team if she could nail down the screaming child act during police pull-overs.

“Hi mam. Driver license, insurance and registration. Do you know what I am stopping you?”

Why do they ask you that? Will any sane person really say, O why yes, because I was speeding or went through a red light? No, idiot, nobody does that….

“No, officer I am not sure why”

“Because you have tinted windows and that is illegal in NJ”

I tried my best not to roll my eyes. Tinted windows…really? You don’t have anything better to do right now then watch cars drive by and look at the color of the windows?

“I’m sorry I bought this car with them on and have not gotten a chance to get them removed.”

“How long have you had the car?”

“Um, about a year or so”

“Really, you are busy girl then.  You couldn’t find anytime to get them off?”

“No sir, I work and when I take off  of work, I have to show proof that I took off for a good reason so that pretty much consumes my entire day-off”

“Ok, well let me check your information and ill be back”

The chances of me getting out of a ticket are slim at this point. I am guessing this guy was so bored, he was probably thankful for the paper work.

He returned with a ticket for the tints and told me to have a safe day.

The only safety I was going to find on the first day of 2014 was in my bed under the covers.

New Year’s resolution #5: No more donations to the local police departments unless it’s for notepads.

2014 has started on a rough note but it could be worse. I am hoping it’s not a bad sign as to what is coming my way this year. However if it is, I have decided my most important resolution this year will be….

New Year’s resolution #6: Find humor in every situation, no matter how shitty it might seem.

And with that, I wish you all a happy, healthy and humorous 2014.

Giving all my bad vibes to you so I don't have them!

Giving all my bad vibes to you so I don’t have them!

The Cranky Christmas Bitch

6 Dec

Fuck. It’s Christmas time again.

So not happy

So not happy

I hate Christmas, I hate Christmas, I HATE CHRISTMAS.

While everyone is running around in excitement, counting down the days with advent calendars, I count down the days until its over.
The only two great things about Christmas are the free days off from work and reminding my kid about “Santa’s Good List” behavior.

Now you are sitting there like, “Omg this bitch! Who hates Christmas besides Satan and The Grinch?”

To answer that, the Jews, the crazy north Korean guy, Kim-Jong-a-something and ME. Most of the other people mentioned have a grudge against Jesus, but that’s only a speculation. I have my reasons, and good reasons why this holiday puts me in a bad way.

1. The Christmas Music. I have a strict, No Christmas Music Tolerance policy.  Apparently, my co-worker in the cube next to me missed the memo. I swear to god, if have to hear “Jingle Bell Rock”, one more time before December 23rd, I’m going to take a jingle bell and shove it up her Christmas-spirited ass.

2. Christmas Movies:I can’t handle sitting through any of the below…

This Red-Nosed Freak

 Listen Rudolph, your nose is like max, 60 watt, Santa ain’t getting anywhere with that dim crap.

tumblr_lwgudvfUYM1qddzljo1_500And that Elf, Hermey, needs to come out of the closet already…He’s a bigger flamer than Richard Simmons.

00211wb9

These obnoxious fruit cakes.

jinglebellrock

I might hate this movie because I don’t have this outfit

And especially The Christmas Story…I know I’m in the minority on this one…

bunnybut if this kid would have shot both of his eyes with his BB gun, he could of saved us all by ending the movie an hour earlier.

However, I do freaking love this movie…

tumblr_lv8pd4sVyw1r6s6i5o1_500

3. The forgotten giftee: You have been there: you finished all your Christmas shopping and that one person who you didn’t buy for, hands you a gift. Not only is the situation awkward because you didn’t buy them anything, but now it’s clear, they like you more than you like them and THEY know it.  These silent gift-ers are rude catching you off guard like that, because they brought your relationship to a whole different level, the Christmas Gift-List level. Which is strictly reserved for family and close friends. This person just put themselves on that list without your agreement and now you are stuck buying them a birthday gift this year.

4. Décor: Between the endless amounts of dog hair and dust, I have more than enough to clean in my house. Now, when I purchase my Christmas tree this weekend, I gotta worry about the pine needles that fall off mixed in with dog hair and dust. My vacuum only has about one Christmas season left before it dies from hair and tree suffocation.

And the lights, what a pain those holiday lights are! Sure, they look pretty, but putting them up and taking them down are a bitch. Who has the time after Christmas to take them down right away? But let me remind you if you don’t take those things down by January 2nd, you are equally as dammed as not putting them up in the first place. Plus, even I, admitted Christmas hater, get depressed by the post-Christmas tree graveyards on the edge of the curbs…all those trees just waiting to be picked up by the trash man.

5. Christmas Cards: Ok, I might not totally despise this aspect of Christmas because it gives me enough entertainment to last the year. I love getting Christmas cards, especially the ones that come from weird family members with yearly card recaps…

Hey, I never call or write, but it’s Christmas time so I’m sending you this Christmas card to let you know we are DOING GREAT! Just look what our kids did this year…Johnny got his first blow-job at summer camp and participated on his high school football team. And our little girl Cindy isn’t so little anymore, she grew a pair of boobs and finished 7th out of 8th in her annual swim meet.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you and your family.

xmas2

Merry Christmas From The Walters!

Really, is this necessary? Save the stamps and post a Facebook status update next time, maybe I’ll “Like” it.

6. Work parties: After a long day at work, I just want to go home and be alone. Call me crazy, but I have no desire to stay after work and attempt to have non-work related conversations with work people; especially if it’s a non-alcohol event.

7. Wrapping presents: Wrapping is for talented people that spend their days on Pinterest. It takes a magician to wrap gifts. All my presents come out looking like they were thrown away and my presents always get judged on this factor; and for the record, I give stellar gifts. So why create the extra waste? If it was up to me, the presents would be placed in the same bag they were purchased in. period.

8. Christmas starts in October: Screw all of you who even mention the “C” word in October or November, especially YOU, Walmart and Target. Christmas needs to stay in December, where it belongs. All this hype for one day is nauseating.

9. The meaning of Christmas: Not to get too deep here, but the constant battle between putting “Christ” back in Christmas and the commercialized “Santa” ideology is exhausting. I’m not a religious person, but I can imagine as a parent it would be difficult to teach your children these Christmas religious values. Could you imagine if Jesus and Santa existed in the same time fame?  I could only assume Jesus would have given his mother an IPad Mini this year.

He said it best

He said it best

10. The words, “What do you want for Christmas”: The day after black Friday, I got an email  from a family member that read this:

“Please reply to this email with direct website links to what you want for Christmas. Coats, Boots, Jackets, Socks, etc.

I need it by E.O.D.”

I tried to understand the point of this message. Sure they wanted to know what I wanted, I get that, but what is the point of picking out my own presents?

Seriously, how would this work?

I would send you the links to my own Christmas presents that I researched… You would purchase them, wrap them up and send them to me in two weeks. Then I would UN-wrap the gift, even though I knew what it was and smile with joy. Should I act surprised? Should I jump for joy with excitement? Should I thank YOU for picking out the gift that I picked out?

Yes?

Then what is the point of that? Just stop asking me what I want for Christmas, you are putting me an awkward spot. Before I answer, there are a ton of factors to consider, like the cost or how acceptable it would be to ask for. Like for example, If I said I wanted a pound of Crack Cocaine and sent you the link to a drug dealers website, would you actually get me that for Christmas?

Million Dollar Question

Million Dollar Question

You know what I really want for Christmas? For it to go back to being simple…Christmas was fun as a kid because I had to make all my presents. I had no idea nor did I care the value of my gifts. What happened to that kind of Christmas?
Is it me or did it get eaten by Holiday advertising and Mariah Carey’s version of “All I want For Christmas is you”?

Until Christmas becomes simple again and grows my heart three sizes… a Cranky Bitch I will remain!

And not that I am counting, but Christmas is in 18 days…so bring it on, bring on the Christmas Cheer!…Ho! Ho! Ho!…Jingle Bells!…

Shoot me…

the-grinch

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