Tag Archives: Gossip

A Letter To The Mayans

12 Jul

2012_prediction

Dear Mayans,

I am a bit upset with you…regarding your theories about 12/21/2012…you remember…the end of the Mayan Calendar?

Yea, so about that….I just want you to know that I was fully prepared for the worst and got nothing.

Buckets of water were stocked in my basement, a zombie machete was purchased in case of an outbreak AND all my family members, including my dogs, had hazmat suits.

I took your theory so seriously that at work, I was deemed, “The Apocalypse Girl”. Every day my co-workers would gather around my desk to hear all about the 2012 predictions. And now, because you lied…they just all think I’m out of my mind. Great career reputation to have…

I even argued with all the non-believers out there…standing up on street corners preaching about the end of days…yelling at random pedestrians in the streets…holding up signs in the subway…shit got serious.

Well now all that was for nothing…because it’s July and the earth is still turning. There were no zombies, aliens or nuclear warfare. All this Mayan prediction had to show for itself was a bunch of bad “End of the World” movies and news about trashy celebrities who shouldn’t be having babies.

This is the real world tragedy

This is the real world tragedy

Shame on You Mayans…shame. on. you. Now you look like a clan of loonies, making all those sacrifices and building years worth of pointless stone structures.

Idiots.

How does it feel to know that your only claim to fame will be slutty versions of your Mayan outfits on Halloween this year?!

I was looking forward to having a post-apocalyptic life. There were just so many pluses to living in a non-civilized world, so many possibilities.

Like…..

burningbra

No BRAS!

Never Having To Wear A Bra Again-Like Ever

I hate bras, I hate wearing them. I started to give all my bras away or burn them when my husband was sleeping knowing I wouldn’t need them after the Apocalypse. My ta-tas even grew a size bigger out of pure excitement of knowing they would never be caged again.

A New Life Of UN-Employment

Who doesn’t want to be a professional Hunter and Gatherer for the rest of their life? I sure do!

In preparation, I had already drafted my “out of office” email at work.

“I will be the out of the office due to the Mayan 2012 prediction and will not be returning to work anytime soon.

If you need immediate assistance…you’re shit out of luck.”

Best,

That Girl Ryan

Hygiene Wouldn’t Be Necessary

Can’t tell you how much enthusiasm I had knowing that bathing was soon to be “optional”. Look, I’m lazy and trying to keep up with beauty tactics can be exhausting. Remember how much you hated painting your face before those ridiculous Mayan rituals? Well, imagine doing that every day AND plucking all the hair from your body…who said grooming was a luxury?

Sure they look dirty...but just imagine the smell of their breath?!

Sure they look dirty…but just imagine the smell of their breath?!

Money

The entire world would be poor together. No more cash, no more credit and best of all, NO MORE TAXES! I had actually planned on calling up Mitt Romney just so I could ask him how it felt to be part of the 47%?

Welcome to the dark side, Mitt.

Mitt FU 47 percent

Honestly, whose got an issue with being lazy?

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Guilt-Free Lazy Days

Unless your homeless, sick or unemployed, laying around all day is unacceptable. This was my one shot to do nothing but sleep and eat Little Debbie Cakes until my pants busted open…because let’s face it, in a doomsday scenario, the real advantage is body fat and rest.

Life would be simple

There are so many choices and decisions we all must face in life;

Should I post this selfie on Facebook?

Will my IPhone look good in this purse?

Do these clothes make me look fat?

Jesus Christ, life is exhausting! I believe in some twisted way, most of humanity was hoping for an Apocalypse in 2012. Not hoping for thousands of people to die, but just to make life simple again.

In a world where your entire purpose is to survive, you could care less if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are really happy together. (But seriously, they have six kids, they can’t be, right?).

Whatever it is…I just don’t know how I will be able to get over this disappointment…the disappointment of knowing that now I have to pay off my student loans.

Mayans, I hope you understand the chaos your calendar has brought to my life….but on a positive note, Party City finally released the “Slutty Mayan” costume for October.

Sincerely,

Your Little Mayan fan

imagesmaycald

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http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/07/12/daily-prompt-singular/

I Got 99 Problems and A Dick Ain’t One

12 Jun

This is a highly inappropriate blog post…I try really hard not to include too many raunchy and profane topics all in one sitting, but…. I really don’t care.

There comes a time in every girls life when she has a particular thought, a thought that I believe is very valid, but nonetheless a simple thought…

What would I do if I had a penis for a day?

Before you read on, you must ask yourself how your feeling about the penis at this very moment…if weenies are scary , you dislike them or are grossed out by the visual thought of them in anyway…Don’t read on.

If you’re like me and wish you had one in a non-lesbian/non-transgender way…by all means, have a BALL… or Two 🙂

I find the male part quite amusing probably because I don’t-nor will ever– have one.

Not only that, but men talk about their penises like they are the best thing since his- and -her lube!

Remember that song from Harold and Kumar? “My dick” by Mickey Avalon? In his song he sings this line: “We got Dicks like Jesus”.

Now who wouldn’t want a Dick like Jesus? Seriously, they should start changing those WWJD? shirts and instead put… I Got A Penis Like Jesus. Those shirts would sell out in a day. Catholics, Christians, Jews and hell-even the Mormons would buy it.

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And If you don’t know who this guy is…shame on you

No wonder us gals are so curious, when do you hear the general female population raving about the greatness of the vagina?…and Alanis Morrissette doesn’t count.

So anyway, all this thought about the Main Vein, got me wondering…what if girl’s had penises? Obviously we would rule the world, that’s a given…Brain+Beauty+Balls…The possibilities would be endless really, but before we dive into that, let’s first explore why a woman wouldn’t want a penis…

Penis Problem #1: It’s incredibly ugly

There’s not much to say here…penises are just…blah. They slightly remind me of an elderly worm.

Wanna Play? EW

Wanna Play? EW

Penis Problem #2: It’s Deceiving

Romans do a great job of depicting this flaw…just look at the Statue of David. David is incredibly tall, muscular, sexy, curly hair… but has the tiniest penis ever. Now, to be fair, it doesn’t mean that David wasn’t packing some serious beef, but maybe David was a grower…not a show-er. Still,you will never know the truth.

Poor guy didn't have a chance to let the world know.

Poor guy didn’t have a chance to let the world know.

Penis Problem #3: size DOES matter

I love it when guys ask this question: Does size really matter to girls? YES. If you say differently, your a liar. In short…a guy can be the hot, and all around great, but he will never be datable if he’s got a French fry in his pants. For all my single ladies out there, how much does it suck when you go out with a guy on a few dates, spend all your time thinking about him, dreaming up fairy tale scenarios, only to find out when you sneak a peek, there is simply no future a-head.

Waste. Of. Time.

Damn Right

Damn Right

And there you have my ANTI-PENIS list.

Let’s explore the Positives-List.

Penis Pro #1- You Can Pee On Everything

I think males completely take this task for granted. Men can pee anywhere at anytime…out the window driving…in a bottle…on a wall…in the woods…off a bridge. My days of hovering over a toilet seat would be gone if I had a penis. Not only would I pee on all types of objects, but id definitely pee on annoying people. Screaming little children for example… If every kid was fearful of getting peed on at all times, you better believe they would shut up real quick.

I can see it now…

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Penis Pro #2: Absolutely play this game…All Day…Everyday…

Penis Pro #3: Cock Slap

Is this a real thing? When someone says, “I going to cock slap you in the face” Can you actually cock-slap someone in the face? I’d like to embark on this mystery to find out for myself.

Penis Pro #4: Penis Shadow Puppets

Hand shadow puppets are fun, but Penis Shadow Puppets are better.

This could be very do-able

This could be very do-able

Penis Pro #5:New-Business Ventures

Why hasn’t anyone made a clothing line for ding-a-lings? I know it sounds crazy, but seriously we dress up animals, paint our nails, wear leg warmers, dress up our hair…it’s about time for a penis clothing line. I think I’d call it…Pocket Rocket & Co.

Penis Pro #6: Boners

Boners are so cool, they are even a little magical. You can just walk into a shoe store and BAM…Boner. Then like an hour later walk into a coffee shop, library, car wash and be like BAM, BAM, BAM…Boner! Seriously, this is the best…Popping boners.

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And my conclusion…having a penis is more productive than having a vagina…There are just more things to accomplish. Ladies have got to start stepping it up on the kegels and making these types of talents happen for us.

But at least there is one truth that will always trump the male parts…a truth so superior, men don’t stand a chance.

There is Power in The Pussy…And don’t you ever forget it.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/12/daily-prompt-law/

*UPDATE* Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

10 Jun

Just when I thought all my kitty problems were gone…I got another knock on my door…with more cat shenanigans.

Guess who? Yep!!

That Crazy Fucking Cat Lady and her subordinate husband.

Knock, Knock...Guess WHO?! MEOW!

Knock, Knock…Guess WHO?! MEOW!

My first thought, Crazy Cat Lady, must have gotten my CAT-VICTIM package. She is coming over to say thank -you, how sweet. Hopefully she left the cat hair at home this time.

I open the door…

“Hi there, just wanted to come by and thank you for the gift. I thought it was really sweet and kitty loves the toys you gave her! Look, Look at this picture of her playing with the cat-nip Squirrel!!

O, and by the way… buying an invisible fence…you didn’t have to do that!! That was above and beyond”

Thank God kitty likes the toys-Crazy Cat Lady taking that picture made her day and will smooth this whole thing over. Phew, looks like we are clear of this one!

“No problem, it was the least we could do! How’s miss kitty doing anyway?”

She started to tear up which made me want to laugh. Partly because her face wrinkles up like Claire Dane’s in Homeland when she cries.

My Cat! My Cat...BOO HOO BOO HOO

My Cat! My Cat…BOO HOO BOO HOO

“She is good-we actually brought her to the vet. She got an X-Ray and a full emergency exam. Vet sees nothing wrong. The thing that really killed me...is when the vet found the teeth marks. She said it was definitely from a dog, so even though we didn’t see your dog attack, it was most likely him.”

Wait a fucking second…there were no witnesses to this?! I have spent all day watching my dogs get shocked by their new invisible fence because you THINK my dog was guilty?!  I started to get angry and wanted her to finish up tear-fest 2013 so she would leave my porch.

“Well, like I said, we feel really bad and the fence will make sure this never happens again. Thanks for stopping by!”

Her husband’s voice shakes as he says, “Um, well we actually wanted to talk to you about the vet bill”

I spin around and my inner voice speaks loud…THESE PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

“We know your an animal lover and all. We know you would understand this whole situation. We feel it’s fair to split the bill with us and half the bill would be $315.00”

They just showed up tonight to ask for money…Bitches. And what kind of vet did they take this cat to?! Did they fly in a cat-dog attack specialist for the vet exam?

“Ok….” I was at a lost for words. My inner voice kicks in again…Just be honest about this.

“Sure we will definitely pay for half of the bill…”

Ah, shit it’s happening. My inability to be confrontational face to face with people older than me. Stop being such a pussy, just tell the lady to take that bill and the cat hair and shove it up her ass.

“…I think it’s totally appropriate we help to pay the bill as well…”

Are you kidding me? Stop right now, tell her shes a greedy ass that is taking advantage of a young couple.

“…You were so right to come over and ask us to help on this, it’s the right thing to do…I’ll drop the check off in your mailbox. Have a great night, glad we could move past this!”

UGH, your so hopeless, I give up, come talk to me again when you grow some balls

Sometimes you just gotta listen

Sometimes you just gotta listen

 

I walk inside, ashamed of my cowardliness and spot Levi, looking right at me.

“You know Levi, if you finished the job-we wouldn’t be paying a vet bill right now…better work on those skills in case that cat decides to come within your invisible fence barrier”

So here I am, writing yet another letter along with a very, expensive check.

Dear Kerri (Yes, I found out her stupid name and it ends with an I. I don’t trust people who names end in I)

Again, I’m glad your cat is OK (But now not really).

In this envelope is the check for $315 (Half of the extremely expensive medical bill for your bald cat, which I hope by the way, stays bald) Hope we can move past this (we wont, I think you people are a waste of space and I will never lend you any cups of sugar or eggs…fuck you)

Sincerely,

Your neighbors (who now hate your guts and hope your cat gets eaten by a wild animal or drowns in the Holy Lake)

Invisible Fences Make PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE neighbors

EPSON scanner image

Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

6 Jun

Typically Life Situation for That Girl Ryan…

When I signed those mortgage papers on my first home this year, I was ecstatic! Goodbye annoying apartment renters, goodbye lazy landlords and HELLO freedom!

Freedom of doing what I want because I’m a mother fucking home owner and don’t have to listen to anymore apartment management bullshit rules. (Can you tell I have resentment?)

Our House

Our House

Boy Ryan and I have always been THOSE neighbors, “the problem renters”

Just to clue you in, here are some rules we have violated;

Noise violation (after 11pm on a Saturday night)

Failure to weed our outdoor patio (never knew this existed)

Failure to pick up after our dog (who by the way shits at least 4 times a day. Its impossible to keep up)

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

Ok, Ok, so we haven’t been the best renters, but I thought our renter problems would disappear after buying a home…but they don’t. You still have to put up with these people called neighbors; and neighbors tend not to relocate after a year of residence…they last a lot longer.

We moved into a lake community, let’s re-phrase…a “clicky” lake community. To join this lake in our neighborhood it’s a $1000/year. In my opinion, paying $1000 to swim in a dirty lake for 3 months out of the year is a bit expensive…call me crazy but I just wasn’t feeling it. However, what I failed to recognize is that ALL the neighbors in our community are part of the lake and get offended when you don’t join.

So when we didn’t join, I got the vibe that we were being shunned. Whatever, Shun the non-believer, it doesn’t bother me. Plus we invested in a baby pool this summer so that Addison wouldn’t feel under privileged. We actually have her convinced that the baby pool with clean water is much better than a lake with dirty water.

The Holy Lake

The Holy Lake

Here’s us, minding our own business…mowing our lawn, taking out our trash, waving to each neighbor like were riding on a god-damn parade float every morning… illustrating positive neighborly behavior.

And just when we started to think that we REALLY are good neighbors, LEVI, our newest family addition, decided to become a serial cat killer.

Adopting Levi was way too easy. He loves to cuddle, allows Addison to dress him up like a doll and listens! Yes, he listens really well! I thought it was a little too perfect from the beginning…There’s gotta be something wrong with him.

I found out this flaw the hard way as he shredded into a squirrel and attempted to Gator-Spin my parent’s cat, twice. And there it was…his flaw…he is not a cat enthusiast.

Such a Doll

Such a Doll

So long story short, Levi escapes one day without me noticing (probably taking direction from Joba, who is very capable of escaping on purpose) and attacks the neighbor’s furry friend. This entire escape was unbeknownst to me until a few hours later when I heard a knock at my door. I look and find my neighbors from across the street standing there.

O, how nice, they came to introduce themselves and bring muffins! What sweethearts.…I opened the door.

The woman is in tears, shaking and clutching clumps of what I realized was fur. Her husband stood next to her, red in the face, clearly embarrassed by his sobbing wife…

Your dog, attacked my cat! Look!” She pulled both hands up near my face to show me the cat fur. “YOUR dog pulled clumps of fur from her and drew blood! She won’t even come out from under the couch and is limping!

I glanced at Levi who was happily wagging his tail, excited to greet the new guests standing at the door.

O um, wow I’m so sorry, is the cat ok?”

NO! look at all this fur!”

I’m still a little perplexed as to why she brought the fur over with her to my house. Did she think I wouldn’t believe that fur has been lost in this cat-dog exchange. Plus, it was a bit rude because I had just mopped my floor and some of the cat hair strands flew into the house.

Yes, I’m so sorry, ill pay for the bill if the cat has to go to vet. It won’t ever happen again

“No it Won’t!” she threatened and stormed off with her husband in tow.

Dog Shame

Dog Shame

And here we go…we have done it again! As I shut the door, I pondered…how the hell do I make this better?

Solution #1: buy an invisible fence. Good fences make Good neighbors

Solution #2: join the god-damn lake so none of the other neighbors will talk shit about us. $1000 might be worth saving our reputation as the cat killing neighbors

Solution #3: send an apology to “cat lady victim #3”

But what do I send? Wine? Wine always helps everything…but what if shes a recovering alcoholic? That could make it worse…cookies? Shit I don’t have that kind of time. I could just buy them, but that looks insincere…”Here’s some cookies from ShopRite for your cat troubles”.

No, that won’t work…but you know what will? A “CAT-VICTIM-PACKAGE”! Perfect, a peace offering for the cat lady and her bald cat.

Lets see…i’ll get some cat-nip and treats…scoop up some extra dog hair from Joba to replace the lost hair from the scuffle…throw in a few kitty-self defensive classes and top it off with dog-repellant. That should really smooth this whole hair ball over.

angry-cat

I gathered all the necessary items and opened the blank card to scribe a personal note.

Dear…..Shit, I don’t know my neighbor’s names!

“We are so sorry about your cat, can’t tell you how awful we feel about this whole situation. We wanted to give your cat some treats as an apology from Levi (who definitely is not sorry)

We went ahead and purchased an invisible fence to ensure this will never happen again (for the safety of your cat, we will now punish our dogs with shock collars-Your Welcome).

We wish for a fast recovery and hope your cat can feel safe in her driveway (although she is an outside cat meaning anything could eat her, but at least it won’t be our dog) Please let us know if there is anything else we can do (unless of course the cat died over night).”

-Ryan and Ryan

Your caring, loving neighbors (please don’t hate us)

I dropped it off on the doorstep during the day so I could avoid any awkward conversation..I wouldn’t even know what to say

So here we are, good neighbors mending fences by putting up invisible barriers.

We will continue to wave our hellos and flash our pearly white smiles but it will never be the same as it was before the cat incident. They will always be the crazy cat neighbors to us and we will always be the crazy cat killers to them.

Yes, this is the bliss of home-ownership.

GoodFences1Daily Post Prompt…Four Stars: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

Green with Envy, The Jafees

16 May

When I started blogging, I thought I was THE SHIT..Like super-star potential awesome…I hear this is a common symptom in the Generation Y age groups. But then I started reading other people’s blogs (OPB).  And they make me sick with their talent, humor and amusing stories-yuck.

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

This morning, Go Jules Go, granted 6 bloggers the Jafee award.

The Jafees! is given out to bloggers by bloggers. Jafee stands for “Jealous As F***” . This award symbolizes that someone out there-creepy blog readers like me– Are jealous of other bloggers ideas and talents.

I like it, its about time we are start sharing our resentful tendencies with one another. So instead of sitting here at my computer, thinking of how much I hate my favorite bloggers (because I’m just envious that I didn’t think of their ideas) I’ve decided to be the bigger person and let my favorite bloggers know that their talent pisses me off and to tone it down-give other people a chance to shine, god dammit.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

564472_129960310497100_1659563866_n1. Don of All Trades

I’m so jealous of Don.

Don is this guy that- I assume is pretty old- but he makes parenting look cool…Do you know how hard it is to make parenting look cool? The snot, the tantrums and the vomit…he makes it all look glamorous.

All his kids have these nifty nicknames…especially the one called “G$”. I’d give my left arm to be called “G$“. Secretly, I think hes the male, much older, version of me…He’s got ADD, talks trashy AND clearly likes to drink…definitely my type of blogger. Go ahead Don, keep being amazing, I dare ya.

coffee_pic2. The Jiggly Bits

Teeny Bikini is fucking hysterical. There is just no way other way to put it-the girl makes me pee my pants laughing. Her perspective on life and UN-matched sarcasm is enough to make any gal look mediocre. Every week, I wait by my email like a loser, ready for her next adventurous post- especially if it has to do with her RAD-Cat licking nipples. Girlfriend-you rock.

I'm pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

I’m pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

3. Go Jules Go

Who isn’t jealous of Go Jules Go? She’s like the popular girl in high school that everybody wants to be. She’s blonde, funny AND can rock a stache better than any guy I know. When I first started my blogging journey less than 4 months ago, I frequently would visit Jule’s blog. This chick has like 5 husbands and has a dog named Uncle Jesse. Seriously- your perfect life makes me vomit.

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4. The Jittery Goat

Kenton Lewis is nothing but pure talent. He is always the first to post on WordPress’s The Daily Post and that just boils my blood. Most days, I have to do this thing…its called work… and can’t participate, but Kenton Lewis  has his post written and perfected five minutes after the topic is released…What The Hell Kenton? Either this dude is a mind reader or he’s just that talented. Plus, his mom is 99  and he is a published author…I just can’t handle it.

962937_10151385866695588_352634079_nlogo5. Small Chick, Big Deals

Sara is a personal friend of mine from college. I knew her when she began her blog and have watched it take off into a huge success. Her restaurant reviews and connections with local spots in New Jersey is enough to make anybody cringe with envy. She gets free clothes from clothing boutiques AND free food. Plus, she is one of those skinny girls that will never get fat-no matter what she eats. UGH Annoying.

If your a blogger…spread the jealousy!! This award can be given to anyone-by anyone! Rules HERE.

What bloggers are so freaking annoyingly- awesome that you want to give them a Jafee?

Joba & Me…My College Experience With One of Life’s Worst Dog

3 May

Throwback Thursday… Blog Style!!

I wrote this back in my college days/Pre -That Girl Ryan, about my beloved Joba. Just when I think my dog drives me nuts, I am reminded by this post just how bad he used to be…Originally Featured on www.Internqueen.com

Me and My Man

Me and My Man

His name is Joba; Joba like the baseball player; no relation to Joba-da-hut. He cost me $40, and yes that $40 bucks changed my whole perspective on life. He was a little piece of hell with paws, wrapped in a soft coat and topped off with the cutest floppy ears I have ever seen. I fell for it, but I am here to tell you my experience so that you will not be fooled like I was.

Seriously, could you blame me?

Look at him...Melt

How could you not want this fuzzy mess?

How could you not want this fuzzy mess?

These are 9 things you need to know before you get a dog in college:

1.      When you see an ad like this:

Border collie/mix puppies. $40

Call 555-990-4569

You are paying for what you get. There is a reason why puppies are meant to cost hundreds of dollars, because they are from reputable breeders, not farmers who have 13 children and live in total isolation. My vet had informed me at one of Joba’s checkups that he has been mixed with Border collie and Virginian wolf, a type of dog that is not meant to be domesticated. She also alluded to that fact that he is probably a result of heavy inbreeding. Great, welcome to The Hills Have Eyes part Dog. 

2.     When you run out of money and food in college your dog can not live off of Ramen Noodles like you can. They enjoy inhaling it down at the moment, but hours later, you will have a Ramen Noodle upchuck display that definitely does not add to the aesthetics of your room.

3.     Dogs are addicted to chocolate. One veterinarian told me that chocolate to dogs is like heroin to humans. I witnessed this first hand when I came home to my roommate hysterically crying and yelling at my dog for eating all 30 of his Chocolate chip cookies. He then continued to tell me that my dog needed to get help and he was absolutely hopeless. That intervention would put the A&E channel to shame.

4.      Professors don’t care that your dog keeps you up at night. One example is the Joba Chocolate Explosion of 2009; I remember it like it was yesterday…

ME: “The reason I cant turn in my assignment today is due to the fact I was up all night cleaning the ceiling of my bathroom because my dog ate a full chocolate bunny that I got for Easter. I could have done the assignment this morning but I spent all morning perplexed as to how he managed to get throw-up on the ceiling. So, can I have an extension?”

PROFESSOR: “Good try, NO.”

Nope that excuse doesn’t work, it’s better to stick with “my printer broke.”

5.      They enjoy shoes and have expensive tastes. The one day you forget to shut your closet door, you will come home to a Prada and Vera Wang battle field. Your dog will be the only one who has survived and is still intact, but Vera and Prada will have seen better days. When this happens, do not cry on your bed for hours thinking of ways to paint over the teeth marks or try to super glue the strap back on, just let them rest in peace.

6.     They never behave themselves at other people’s houses. Just when you think that your dog is having fun at your best friend’s place you receive a text that reads,” your dog crapped all over my house, including the stairs and walls. I think its time for Joba to go home.” That is a sure way to put a damper on the night.

Took him three years to put a single paw in the water...we have come a long way

Took him three years to put a single paw in the water…we have come a long way

7.     Dogs don’t mix well with messy roommates. You never know who is responsible for what mess. Many times there might be trash all over the place and you start to wonder if the dog got into it, or your roommate decided to finally clean his room. There was one time in particular that my dog got into a box of hot chocolate mix, and being a coco addict, completely ripped the packets all over my roommate’s bed. My roommate did not notice until three days later when he went to put on the clothes he had been using as a blanket on his bed.

8.     Dogs riding in a car never turns out well. Now you may get a dog that sits nicely in the front seat and stares out the window but I of course did not have that kind of luck. My dog has what is called travel anxiety and drools and farts uncontrollably in the car. Usually at the end of any kind of car excursion, I typically end up with one of two scenarios; people telling me my dog should be checked for rabies due to the foam around his mouth or a lingering rancid odor and floor full of what I call Joba’s Mixture; drool, snot and spit.

9.     There are paybacks. Don’t think that I have let my dog completely get away with all of his shenanigans; I make sure he is embarrassed every now and again with making him wear a hideous sweater or a rain coat, but the best time of the year is when Halloween rolls around. What Joba doesn’t know is that the amount of doggie costumes are endless and I always pick out the most glamorous one; this year it was a turtle. Yes, I paraded him around campus in a bright green shell topped off with an adorable hat that had two bulging eyes at the top. The costume turtle shell also restricted his leg movement which forced him to pee in a squatting motion, just like a girl dog.  O, the sweet revenge.

Jobacostume

He really is starting to love this costume

So, if I haven’t scared you enough and you still are considering getting a dog in college, then this last piece will make you feel a little better. Dogs are loyal to the core; they don’t care what you wear or what you really think about that professor who assigns 7 page papers. All they want is your attention and to give you their unconditional love. At times dogs test your patience and make you look like a complete fool, but I assure you that their antics will always make you laugh and keep you on your toes. So if you’re up for the challenge of raising a dog, than good luck! Just remember to be totally prepared for anything and I mean ANYTHING.

The Best Worst Decision Ever Made.

The Best Worst Decision Ever Made.

The Grocery Store War

1 May

grocerystore

Friends, I have a new hobby…Ive decided to start a new diet! So far its great but I compiled a quick Pro/Con list to share:

PROS:

1. Less Pimples

2. More Energy

3. Fast Weight Loss

CONS:

1. The toilet bowl has become my new friend

2. My own bowels have become my worst enemy

3. I am in the grocery store A LOT, like 3.5 hours a week…F.M.L.

#3 might be the reason I stop my new diet…

I HATE the grocery store, like I want to burn the place down, kind of hate. It’s gotten to the point that when I enter the doors to a grocery store, I hear a voice in my head: “Happy Shopping, May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor”

So I’m, going to let you explore why I have a deep despise for this place, in an unique kind of way of course…by making a “Hate Poem” about the shopping market…Enjoy

The all too familiar view

The all too familiar view

Dearest Grocery Store,

Iv decided to write you a poem about how much I loathe you,

I felt it was more appropriate in a form of a poem, because I hate those too…

I walk into your doors as they slowly slide open,

only to find that half the grocery carts are all broken

Taking the one with the squeakiest wheel,

is about as disturbing as Oprah’s sex appeal…

Oprah, Work it Girl

Oprah, Work it Girl

Turning down the aisle to start on my mission,

picking up first package of free-range chicken

I bet these chickens felt lucky to run around and trot

thinking they’d never end up in anyone’s cooking pot

As I’m throwing the package into my cart,

I suddenly get a whiff of the smallest fart.

Ew, how gross, I think in my head,

The smell is so toxic, I might drop dead

How dare these deadly crop dusters pollute my lungs,

Farting in the grocery store should be as illegal as assault guns.

As I run away from these deadly gases leaking from a stranger’s ass

I find myself in another situation that makes me want a shot-glass…

Little babies and toddlers sitting in their cart seats,

scream at the top of their lungs for their mom to buy a treat

Oh My God, how annoying these kids can be

Yet, there mothers never give them the third degree

Their shrieks and cries make me start to see red,

And all I can think about is whacking these kids right in the head

I’m not that kind of person, I shouldn’t think that way,

But they are so bad, someone should beat them with a cafeteria tray…

O Yea, you know these kids

O Yea, you know these kids

As I enter into the produce section, I start to fester,

Especially when I spot a female Fruit-Molester

She touches and smells and pokes and prods,

until the fruit is so damaged it resembles a smooshed frog.

Well, thanks for the germs you dirty bitch,

I’m sure those hands have been scratching in a place that shouldn’t itch.

Now that you have infected and touched all the good fruit,

all the rest of us are forced to purchase your germ-ridden brute…

So again I move on to find a row of FREE SAMPLES!

I look to see the opportunity to be first in line, is more than ample.

But as I approach the table with a promise of a snack,

I am ambushed by a herd of hungry human packs.

They gobble and grunt as they consume the samples remaining,

Pushing in line and stepping on your toes without explaining.

As your turn in line is almost up,

you look to find nothing left but an empty Dixie cup

NO! Damn you, all of you greedy pigs

I hope all your first born children die of SIDS.

Ok, that was harsh, I have to agree,

but these people are hogs and didn’t leave any for me!

If I can get any in time...

If I can get any in time…

Making it past the deli section, with great success,

you head over to check-out where you think you can rest.

But O no, the hung-over checkout boy has a different plan,

he isn’t very quick and slightly reeks of a Coors Light beer can.

To make it worse, I’m behind an old hag,

Who will take 30 minutes to pull a checkbook out of her bag

When I get to the front and its finally my turn,

the hung-over checkout boy says, “I betcha can’t wait till that old lady’s in a urn?”

He chuckles at his witty comment and continues to scan,

Telling me about the Supermarket’s “Awesome” pension plan

I nod and grin and wish I could press fast forward,

Because now he’s talking about the many uses of a human umbilical cord.

Just as I think I’m almost done,

he asks if I can donate $1 to the children’s hospital summer camp fund.

Well, how can I say no to sick children, I would look like a bitch,

This organization is smart, what a brilliant sales-pitch!

So once again I am guilt-ed to donate my cash,

So I give the boy the rest of my dollar bill stash…

3ryl6j

Finally, I’m out, finally I’m free,

it only took 2 hours but I’m strolling the parking lot buzzing like a bee

I look to my left and look to my right,

Entering the parking lot which resembles a bomb site

I throw my empty shopping cart into the nearest tree crease,

but am startled by the sound of the shopping cart POLICE

Excuse me Mam, please put your cart back in the designated area”,

his face was red and twitched like he was about to go into total conversation hysteria

My eyes scanned for the nearest cart drop-off, it was at least a five minute walk,

Is he for real? PSHH, this guy can piss off

I responded as calmly as I could,

but I’d had enough of this place and there’s no way this man would of understood

Sir, while I appreciate your job and all that you do,

you don’t understand what I’ve seen, you just don’t understand my angle of view

If you try and stop me as I get into my car,

I will kick so hard in the ass, it will leave a scar.

With that being said, its time for me to leave,

this place makes me sick and I think I might heave”

Goodbye dreaded store, goodbye for now,

I won’t miss you a bit, I give you my vow

Sincerely,

Your Loyal Shopper Girl Ryan

And THAT my friends are my thoughts on the grocery store.

Until next week….

k-bigpic
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/daily-prompt-mad-libs/

Don’t Forget

25 Apr

Dont-Forget

So…. this is not my typically MO being serious and all, but these last few days have got me all up in knots and I think I need to get it out there so I can move on to more of my funny shit.

At 24, I’m restless, bored and hungry for success. Yet, I never can define what success looks like. Is it money? Is it being a CEO? Is it having a bunch of fancy cars and a big house? So I rack my brain for hours just wondering what I want to do with my life, thinking all of the things I can be and rushing myself to get there. So as I wonder aimlessly through life wondering the answers to all my questions, I always look for signs-as in signs that help guide me to where I need to go. Call it God, call it the Universe, call it intuition-but some force out there that moves us all where we want to be.

So when I stopped in Bed, Bath and Beyond today, I never thought a simple cashier would throw me a sign. After spending 30 minutes contemplating on which blender I should purchase, I walked up to the cashier and pulled my usual, “Hey, I forgot my coupon and I was hoping you could scan one for me?” trick. The cashier smiled and said, “you know you can bring the coupon in at any time and get the money back later”.

Shit, didn’t work– “Ok, ill definitely do that!” I turned to gather my purchased item and started to head for the door. Just then the cashier yelled out to me: “Hey…Don’t forget

I smiled and continued through the door.

Who says, “Don’t Forget?” What did he mean by that? It couldn’t of possibly meant ” Don’t forget the coupon you just blatant made up!”.  It was different. The way he said those words, his tone. It’s like he looked into the depths of my soul and said- “Don’t Forget!” It stuck in my head for hours…don’t forget…don’t forget…don’t forget

Don’t forget what? To take my birth control? Yea trust me, I wont ever forget that again. Don’t forget to take out the trash or that I need to schedule my gyno appointment?….That was so weird….

Its funny how signs can hit you in the face. Its those simple words of a stranger that meant so much for no reason.

As I had racked my brain trying to figure out the REAL meaning of “Don’t Forget”….It just suddenly dawned on me.

Earlier that morning, I woke up at 3am-out of the blue. I sat up in my bed to find my husband-thieved of all the covers by none other than my daughter- hogging the covers AND my two dogs wiggled in-between wherever they could find even a millimeter of space. Usually my first thought would be:

1. Start pushing the unwanted visitors off the bed…Fur first, than kid…

And

2. I need a bigger fucking bed.

But that moment, in the wee hours of the morning, I experienced an intense feeling of gratefulness. All I could think was, ” Damn, I am pretty fucking lucky to have a great guy, an awesome kid and two dogs who think I’m the best thing since Pet Snuggies.”

I realized that I  don’t care how big my house is or that my car isn’t an Audi or that my job isn’t glamorous.  Success is a feeling-and I already have it.

Maybe this is what that stranger had really meant. Don’t forget to feel lucky for what you have right now. Don’t forget to be happy with how far you have come.

I could be crazy or just super fucking bored….but whatever the case may be, one coupon can go a long way.

scissors_clipping_coupons_hg_wht

Dancing With The “O” Girls

17 Apr
734026_1971598693217_941967433_n

If you don’t have sisters…you just won’t understand

Last week was siblings day! How could I have let that one slip? I wanted to introduce my two sisters to my TGR readers the right way. Obviously by dancing.

My entire family loves to dance. People ask me all the time what I like to do with my free-time…well this is it.

One constant argument between my sisters and I is always….Who has the best dance moves? Saturday nights and sometimes, Tuesday mornings, you can find us battling it out in my Mom’s living room.

So, we decided to settle this argument the right way, with a PUBLIC Dance-Off. (god help me if this ever comes back to bite me)

WARNING: The dance moves you are about to see will blow your mind. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Wax On….Wax Off

27 Mar

IMG_2348

It’s Spring Time! A time for the sun to warm the earth, a time for a new and bright wardrobe, a time for the plans of summer to begin….but really, Spring time is a time for your post-winter bikini wax.

Similar to my thoughts about getting massages; bikini waxes are bizarre in theory. Removing hair from your nether region is a social fucking phenomenon.

I cringe just looking at this

I cringe just looking at this

I didn’t get my first waxing until 4 summers ago…you know why? My mom always said to me, “Your hair is meant to be there, if it wasn’t, god would make it hairless”

Besides that odd explanation, we now all know who isn’t a fan of rocking the Bald Eagle…if you know what I mean.

So, I made my appointment at the waxing center and walked in with hesitation…

“Welcome Ryan, Linda, your wax-er will be right out…you’re getting the bikini and eyebrow wax correct?” As cheery as possible.

“Yes”

That’s right lady… I’m here to rip the hair follicles out from my face and vag

“ok great have a seat”

You know what really jerks my chains, why the receptionist is so cheery about the whole thing. What is so pleasant about getting a wax? Nobody WANTS to be here, but when you walk-in, the receptionist acts like a greeter for an all inclusive resort in the Caribbean. To top it off, she always want to schedule your next appointment BEFORE you get wax-tortured. Probably because by the time you come back you won’t remember that you screamed the F-word 5 times and that you couldn’t walk for days after. Clever.

My waxer, Linda, appears and summons me back to the room. Here goes nothing…

Frida needs to be introduced to Linda the Waxer

Frida needs to be introduced to Linda the Waxer

“So, I see this is your first wax this season; ill make sure to take it slow’”O great, how embarrassing. Linda, the bikini wax-er clearly can tell I haven’t been here in a while…“So what are we doing today? Bikini, Brazilian, Bleaching?”

“Did you say bleaching? Like bleaching my pubs?”

“No, silly your asshole. Bleaching your butthole”

Put your money where the bleach is.

Put your money where the bleach is.

I’m sorry, I thought she said I can bleach my ass hole…I have many questions….

Does my asshole need to be bleached? It is obvious that its darker? Doesn’t bleaching make everything whiter? Being a white person, doesn’t that automatically guarantee a white hole? Would they offer bleaching to me if I was black? How would that work? Do I have a choice of bleaching with a certain color; like choosing highlights or low-lights?

Look, I admit, I haven’t looked down there since the age of 4 during my “Discovery phase”, I don’t even know what it looks like. But on that note, if I did bleach, who would see it? maybe it’s like getting a tattoo on your back. You never see it, you just know it’s there.

Seriously, what women in their right mind would invent this degrading procedure? I just can’t imagine a woman waking up one day and saying, “Wow, my asshole looks terrible in these jeans…I should bleach it”.

This whole concept is complete over-load for my brain right now.

“Um, yea ill pass on the ass bleaching for today, thanks”

Frog Stance...this is pretty accurate

Frog Stance…this is pretty accurate

“Ok, so well just stick with a full bikini wax then. Put your heels together and relax your legs like a frog…just relax.

Well, Linda, you don’t fuck around, girl-Get right to it.

Relax? No problem, I usually lay flat with my heels pressed together showing complete strangers a full frontal view of my Pickachu.

As Linda turns to retrieve the wax and make me balder than a babies ass…I started to think…

Are you there Bikini Hair? It’s me, Girl Ryan…

“Ready? Here we go!!”….Rip

Look, I’m real sorry about all this…it’s been a great winter…can’t thank you enough for the time that the power went out for 3 weeks or when I went skiing with only one pair of pants on. You probably prevented me from getting hypothermia.

Rip

But summer is on the way…and this is just how it has to be…especially if I want to start taking that Pilates class with shorts on. Can’t be the only one at the gym with long-spandex all summer.

Rip

Plus I might want to go the beach and play some volleyball…yea…I know I don’t play volleyball, but still, I can if I want to.

Rip

You know things just aren’t the same since the summer of 2004…Remember that wave at the beach that knocked me over and took my bathing suit top and bottoms? Yeaaaa… I can deal with flashing my bare A cups… but you, bikini hair…that’s an embarrassment I can’t afford again.

Rip… Rip

Hush, Hush, don’t cry, it will all be over soon.

Rip

“Ok, Ryan, now we should probably get the “inner section.” Looking now, this shouldn’t be too difficult to do, your inner’s are very… accessible.”

I have to admit, I haven’t heard someone say that since college and I sure didn’t expect to hear it from my wax-er. And what the hell does that mean my inner’s are accessible? Like its open? Just flying around in the wind?

I suddenly remembered a story I heard last week about this girl who had a sloppy vagina. Obviously, it’s a male’s way of referencing a girl’s parts, basically calling them ugly and mis-moshed. I guess its like a female calling a guy’s area a “Micro-penis”. Though I have never seen one personally, I know what a micro-penis looks like, I googled it. But I have no idea what the fuck a sloppy V would look like.

I quickly took out my phone and did the only thing I could think of at that moment.

Text Message Girl Ryan: DO I HAVE SLOPPY VAG?

Text Message Boy Ryan: ?????

Text Message Girl Ryan: Don’t fuck around, I’m getting waxed at this moment and need to know!

Text Message Boy Ryan: What’s a sloppy vagina? Is that like having Roast Beef Vag?

(Roast Beef vagina: I would define this, but I think you get it)

And no, You have a beautiful vagina.

Text Message Girl Ryan: Ok, if you say so…ttyl

For Life's Biggest Questions

For Life’s Biggest Questions

Ok, I should know by now not to ask my husband questions like this. It’s like asking him if I look fat wearing a hippo costume…he would never tell me the truth.

So, I decided to ask Google what it looks like and never will again….the related searches were composed of the following:
“How do you get sloppy vag?…Is it contagious?…What does it look like?”

Shit I guess this is a common thing. One Medical website even said that 3 out of 8 women have a Sloppy V. Maybe I need to get a professional opinion…Yes…next time when I’m there, I’m going to ask my doctor if I have an ugly vagina.

“Ok, Ryan. Your all done. Here’s a mirror to see if I missed any spots.”

She hands me a hand-held mirror…Seriously? What the hell am I suppose to do with this?!?”

Mirror, Mirror in my hand…who has the prettiest vagina in all the land?

Yes, Mirror, tell me who has the fairest one of all?

Yes, Mirror, tell me who has the fairest one of all?

“That’s OK, I’m sure it looks great…I trust your waxing skills, Linda.”

I quickly scoot out of the wax center-on-fire– and ease into my car. Honestly, all I wanted to do at that moment was go home and dance naked in front of the mirror; you know… check out my new “do”.

But instead, I decided to head over to my mom’s house for dinner. This situation has traumatized me enough for one day and cooking my own dinner tonight was just out of the question.

I opened the door and hear music playing in the living room: Girl on Fire, by Alicia Keys…This girl is on fire…She’s walking Her bikini line is on fire… how appropriate…exactly what I’m feeling right now.

Suddenly, I’m greeted by my mom: “Hey, rye, hungry? I just picked up some Sloppy Joe’s and Roast beef sandwiches for dinner…”

UGH, Fuck my Life.

Picture11

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/03/28/daily-prompt-tears/

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