Thank God for Tequila and Crappy Birth Control

30 Jan

Do you ever wonder what if? What if you had made one decision differently? How would your life change?

Maybe you would be a rock star right now. Or maybe you would be a millionaire. Maybe not, but you never know.

The possibilities of “What If” are endless.  Everything in this moment IS the way it IS because of tiny small decisions…Whoa, deep thoughts for a Thursday, I know.

Cinco-De-Mayo in 2009 was most likely the night my surprise daughter came about. Drenched in Tequila after a day’s worth of drinking, Boy Ryan and I would have never guessed our little Mexican celebration dance would result in a series of events that would become our life.

Tequila+ Stupidity=Children

I often wonder, “What if my daughter was never born?” Not in like a bad way, actually sometimes, when she throws tantrums, but most of the time as just a thought. What would my life be like If I didn’t have children? Would it be better? Would it be worse? My life would probably be a lot easier and I’d be way cooler.

Who am I kidding, my life would be awesome. There are so many perks to being a child-less person…

1. I would never have to share the T.V…

instead, I have to watch this shit

What the F#$% is this?

What the F#$% is this anyway?

2.  I could sleep off all my hangovers…

Instead, I have to wake-up to this:

3. I wouldn’t be so lame…

Instead, I get excited about…



4. I would never have to answer to the name, “Mommy”…

Instead, I have to hear it over and over and over again

5. I would have real hobbies…

Instead, my hobbies are Barbies and dress-up


Ariel and Eric’s Wedding…3rd time this week


I’m always cast as Mary Poppins…not bad eh?

6. My biggest worry would be my social calendar…

Instead, I worry about well balanced dinners

My kid's diet

This is healthy right?

7. My goals would be more adventurous:

1. Travel the world

2. Hike Mt. Vesuvius

3. Wear a bathing suit thong in public

Instead, my goals are totally unrealistic:

1. Stay up past 11pm on a Friday night

2. Teach my kid to wipe her own ass, correctly

3. Have a clean house for a week

8. My house wouldn’t be such a disaster…

Instead, I brace myself when cleaning.

This is Styrofoam found under the pillow

Styrofoam underneath pillows

Dirty underwear in MY bed

Dirty underwear in my bed.

I asked my kid why she didn’t put her dirty underwear in the laundry bin. She replied, “This is dad’s underwear.”

Note to self: If my husband is wearing Cinderella underwear in size 4T, I may have to re-evaluate the marriage.

What is this? Can you tell?

SURPRISE! Can you tell what this is? No, let’s take a closer look…

Closer look...That is a band-aid. Specifically a dirty band-aid

Yep…That is a band-aid. Specifically, a used band-aid

9. I would sleep all night, every night…

Instead, I wake up to nasty feet in my face


10. Nobody would publicly embarrass me…

Instead when I have a visible booger in my nose, everybody hears about it


I know, poor me, my life is such a fail, I could have had such a beautiful life…

Damn Cinco-De-Mayo and all it’s devilish temptations.


But when I get down about my perfect, child-free, non-existent life, I come home and see this face.

What a mug!

What a mug!

For whatever reason I just can’t help but think…Thank gosh for Tequila and shitty birth control!

16 Responses to “Thank God for Tequila and Crappy Birth Control”

  1. Sarah Brekke January 30, 2014 at 2:15 pm #

    Hilarious and definitely on point. 🙂

    • rynolexson January 30, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

      Lol thanks. I try to always be honest about parenting.

  2. StephaJane January 30, 2014 at 2:20 pm #

    You make me want to have babies!

    • rynolexson January 30, 2014 at 8:29 pm #

      I’ll assume that’s sarcasm…unless of course you enjoy waking up to chaos each morning. Your call.

  3. donofalltrades January 30, 2014 at 2:26 pm #

    So wait, you had some bad birth control or you used perfectly fine birth control badly? I think it’s wonderful that your gringo child probably shares the same birthday as millions of Mexicans around the world, lol. She’s a cutie, even if she does have some of her mother’s features. You’ll be glad you had her when you did, when you’re older.

    • rynolexson January 30, 2014 at 2:27 pm #

      Details,details…they don’t matter anymore.

      She will pay off sooner or later I suppose. We shall see

      • donofalltrades January 30, 2014 at 2:31 pm #

        Oh no, I wasn’t implying that she’ll pay off, quite the contrary. She’ll be an awful drain on you mentally, physically and economically, but you’ll have had her early enough that you can still kick her out of the house while you’re young enough to enjoy the rest of your life, assuming you can reassemble the broken pieces of what it used to be.

      • rynolexson January 30, 2014 at 2:33 pm #

        Lol, damn I can feel that resentful oozing through the computer…phew.

        Who doesn’t love little kids ?! Ha

  4. Shaahid EssWhyDee January 30, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

    Haha great article !!!

    • rynolexson January 30, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

      Thanks, it’s funny Bc it’s honest lol.

  5. bensbitterblog January 30, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

    Holy Cow, you got the gifs to work! See? I knew you could do it! Annnnd…now I am a failure compared to you, cause I can’t make my own GIF, just steal others.

    I have two kids; one happened at a clinic on Halloween when I was dressed up as Daffy the Duck and the other was an adoption. So while they do things all the time that make me bitter, we paid through the nose for ours, so they better pay off in the end in the form of an NFL contract and News Anchor on ESPN.

    • rynolexson January 30, 2014 at 8:12 pm #

      It took blood sweat and tears but I got them.

      Damn kids, they better get somewhere to help out the rest of us losers! I’m with you on that one.

      • bensbitterblog January 30, 2014 at 9:08 pm #

        If they had any idea how much work we put into them, they would understand that they need to be billionaires just for us to get our investment back.
        As far as my parents are concerned, well, they shouldn’t have invested as much in me, knowing that I would just turn out to be a bitter blogger.

      • rynolexson January 30, 2014 at 9:09 pm #

        Sometimes bloggers make millions, keep hope bitter Ben.

      • bensbitterblog February 1, 2014 at 10:34 pm #

        That sounds exactly what is going to happen to me. I think if I just be lazy and keep writing, success will just manifest itself to me.

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