11 Dec

For some reason this topic has come up in conversation over the past two weeks. I feel that this is a sign from the universe. I can no longer avoid the topic, It’s time we addressed this.

Pooping in Public or PIP is a serious phobia that strikes a lot of women, enough women that we could form a group called WAPP (Women Against Pooping in Public). If you feel this way, YOU are not alone; there are a lot of women out there who fear PIPing.

Now you would think this phobia would strike men as well due to their public bathroom set-up. They have urinals AND they have stalls. We all know which activity is used for each. Basically, when your in a urinal everyone sees what your doing. And when your in a stall, everyone knows what your doing. It’s like a public shame room, how do men live under this kind of pressure?

Apparently, according to men (well really my husband who might as well represent all men), this public knowledge doesn’t seem to bother them. I’ve even heard a rumor that men TALK to each other while they are in the stalls, even at work! I just couldn’t imagine speaking to a co-worker while I’m PIPing.

“So Sally, how bout that meeting today…pretty intense huh. PLOP

“I know, do you think they are going to fire Jeff?” PLOP


“So, great day were having, huh”
“hmmm, you can say that again. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name..”

WTF? How fucking weird is that? I mean I talk about not shaving my legs and Dutch ovens, but hey, I still got a bit of decency compared to that.

So I decided to explore this potty situation a little deeper. Why do women have a fear of shitting in public? Is it the thinness of the stalls? Is it the fact that other people know your shitting? After speaking with some friends and family, I have complied a few scenario’s of how this phobia affects the “ bathroom situation”.

Scenario #1: You thought you were alone in the bathroom and let your guard down. Unexpectedly a Poop Intruder walks in and the loud “PLOP” is now unavoidable. The gig is up…. What do you do?

A. You remembered that you packed your “poop flats”. These flats are designed to hide your identity while you are in the bathroom. IF the intruder that walked is someone you know, they will not be able to identify you by your shoes.

B. You forgot your poop flats because you never thought of packing poop flats (brilliant). So now you quickly pull your feet up on the wall of the stall and wait until they enter their stall before you exit yours. You avoid being recognized at all angles.

Scenario #2: You are in the bathroom and just about to PIP and an intruder walks in. The intruder enters the stall and sits quietly. You soon realize that this is a stand-off situation. Your not leaving because you’re waiting for the intruder to leave and vice versa…what do you do?

A. You remember that thing in history about Attrition warfare… Attrition warfare is a military strategy in which a belligerent side attempts to win a war by wearing down its enemy to the point of collapse. You decide that today you will engage in battle and stick it out for the long haul. Wait until the opponent realizes that she doesn’t have the luxury of time and decides to stand down. Win for you, Loss for intruder.

B. You realize you have a time limit and there will be no battle for you today. So now you decide to pull out a Flanking Maneuver. Flanking Maneuver is an attack on the sides of an opposing force. If a flanking maneuver succeeds, the opposing force would be surrounded from two or more directions, which significantly reduces the maneuverability of the outflanked force and its ability to defend itself.

Your Flanking Maneuver… flush the toilet excessively until you are…finished. This accomplishes a few things; the smell, the noise and distracts the intruder from realizing what you are actually doing. When you exit the stall, you exit in a timely manner. Because after all, you have accepted the fact that the other person has won the stand-off battle to begin with. It’s just common courtesy.

Welcome to the Jungle

Welcome to the Jungle

Scenario #3: You’re at a friend’s house and the feeling hits. You can’t hold out till you get home, so you have to make a quick decision…what do you do?

A. You wait until the last possible minute, and by that I mean until a turtle appears, and quickly excuse yourself to go the bathroom. You do your business and flush in a record time of 2 min. 45 sec.

You have accomplished two things; you haven’t exceeded the time allotted for peeing, and you haven’t stunk up the bathroom enough to require any use of Lysol or Febreze. Situation avoided. Success.

B. There is no other option. You must revert back to option A and make it work. If you took your time like you do at home, someone might send a search party to “check on you” and you know that kind of embarrassment is worth the wait.

I’m sick of having to deal with these scenarios. The nonsense we go through. There should be changes being made for all women across the world to combat this anxiety. We need to ban together and make some demands…For instance:

  1. All bathroom stalls must be the size of handicapped bathrooms. These sized stalls are much more comfortable for PIPing. They provide ample leg room, a place to hang your purse and a sturdy hand rail (in case one may need that extra support)
  2. Eliminate all automatic flushing toilets; because I will flush when I am ready.
  3. Soft toilet towels. Preferably the brand with the cuddly Snuggle bear on it.
  4. The latest copy of People Magazine
  5. Automatic toilet seat covers, because hovering over the seat is just not ideal in a PIP situation.

We will call these demands, the PIP Amendments for WAPP

We should all start to strive to be THOSE women who “go to town” in public bathrooms, they don’t care who knows it! Well power to you sisters, I hope we can all learn a thing or two about your courage.

But until that day, for those of us who hide behind our Poop Flats, flanking maneuvers and quick-minute-shits…Hang in there and PIP ON!


6 Responses to “WAPP”

  1. Gunslinger Poet December 11, 2012 at 2:21 am #

    haha! this made me laugh out loud! great writing, i loved it.

  2. meltontrip December 11, 2012 at 3:34 am #



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