Tag Archives: Ryan

A Letter To The Mayans

12 Jul

2012_prediction

Dear Mayans,

I am a bit upset with you…regarding your theories about 12/21/2012…you remember…the end of the Mayan Calendar?

Yea, so about that….I just want you to know that I was fully prepared for the worst and got nothing.

Buckets of water were stocked in my basement, a zombie machete was purchased in case of an outbreak AND all my family members, including my dogs, had hazmat suits.

I took your theory so seriously that at work, I was deemed, “The Apocalypse Girl”. Every day my co-workers would gather around my desk to hear all about the 2012 predictions. And now, because you lied…they just all think I’m out of my mind. Great career reputation to have…

I even argued with all the non-believers out there…standing up on street corners preaching about the end of days…yelling at random pedestrians in the streets…holding up signs in the subway…shit got serious.

Well now all that was for nothing…because it’s July and the earth is still turning. There were no zombies, aliens or nuclear warfare. All this Mayan prediction had to show for itself was a bunch of bad “End of the World” movies and news about trashy celebrities who shouldn’t be having babies.

This is the real world tragedy

This is the real world tragedy

Shame on You Mayans…shame. on. you. Now you look like a clan of loonies, making all those sacrifices and building years worth of pointless stone structures.

Idiots.

How does it feel to know that your only claim to fame will be slutty versions of your Mayan outfits on Halloween this year?!

I was looking forward to having a post-apocalyptic life. There were just so many pluses to living in a non-civilized world, so many possibilities.

Like…..

burningbra

No BRAS!

Never Having To Wear A Bra Again-Like Ever

I hate bras, I hate wearing them. I started to give all my bras away or burn them when my husband was sleeping knowing I wouldn’t need them after the Apocalypse. My ta-tas even grew a size bigger out of pure excitement of knowing they would never be caged again.

A New Life Of UN-Employment

Who doesn’t want to be a professional Hunter and Gatherer for the rest of their life? I sure do!

In preparation, I had already drafted my “out of office” email at work.

“I will be the out of the office due to the Mayan 2012 prediction and will not be returning to work anytime soon.

If you need immediate assistance…you’re shit out of luck.”

Best,

That Girl Ryan

Hygiene Wouldn’t Be Necessary

Can’t tell you how much enthusiasm I had knowing that bathing was soon to be “optional”. Look, I’m lazy and trying to keep up with beauty tactics can be exhausting. Remember how much you hated painting your face before those ridiculous Mayan rituals? Well, imagine doing that every day AND plucking all the hair from your body…who said grooming was a luxury?

Sure they look dirty...but just imagine the smell of their breath?!

Sure they look dirty…but just imagine the smell of their breath?!

Money

The entire world would be poor together. No more cash, no more credit and best of all, NO MORE TAXES! I had actually planned on calling up Mitt Romney just so I could ask him how it felt to be part of the 47%?

Welcome to the dark side, Mitt.

Mitt FU 47 percent

Honestly, whose got an issue with being lazy?

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Guilt-Free Lazy Days

Unless your homeless, sick or unemployed, laying around all day is unacceptable. This was my one shot to do nothing but sleep and eat Little Debbie Cakes until my pants busted open…because let’s face it, in a doomsday scenario, the real advantage is body fat and rest.

Life would be simple

There are so many choices and decisions we all must face in life;

Should I post this selfie on Facebook?

Will my IPhone look good in this purse?

Do these clothes make me look fat?

Jesus Christ, life is exhausting! I believe in some twisted way, most of humanity was hoping for an Apocalypse in 2012. Not hoping for thousands of people to die, but just to make life simple again.

In a world where your entire purpose is to survive, you could care less if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are really happy together. (But seriously, they have six kids, they can’t be, right?).

Whatever it is…I just don’t know how I will be able to get over this disappointment…the disappointment of knowing that now I have to pay off my student loans.

Mayans, I hope you understand the chaos your calendar has brought to my life….but on a positive note, Party City finally released the “Slutty Mayan” costume for October.

Sincerely,

Your Little Mayan fan

imagesmaycald

This post has been entered into the FIRELANDS Contest!! To Enter, click the details!!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/07/12/daily-prompt-singular/

The Social Matrix

27 Jun

Readers-I entered myself into a blog contest, a creative writing blog contest. I know my usual style is profane, raunchy and personal humor writing, but i figured, Hey, let’s try something new!.

Anyways, I am sharing it with you all if your interested.

However, I must warn you: There are no pictures (But That Girl Ryan, how do we read this 2,000 word entry without pictures?!) Well, the writing should paint some pictures in your mind (this is my artsy response to your question)…give it a try.

No Pictures? I Can't Do It!!!

No Pictures? I. Can’t. Do. It.

Blog Contest Background:

The story has to be about a guy named John, who has amnesia. He wakes up everyday and doesn’t remember anything about himself.

The One Rule, You must use this sentence in your entry:

When I left, I woke up for the first time, again.

Let me know what you think! See the other entries here: http://people.ign.com/bulltoad

It was 6:05AM and the sun started to shine through the window. Damn Sunlight, it’s the bane of my existence. For most, sunlight means the start of a new day, a day filled with potential. For me, it’s nothing more than the start of my nightmare.

I took a deep breath preparing myself for the foreign feeling of not knowing who I was. Slowly, I stretched my hands across both sides of me, feeling the silky, soft sheets of my bed until I reached a barrier.

The barrier was warm and soft, it felt like the side of a human being. My heart stopped, I was afraid to open my eyes. Who is this person lying next to me? One eyed peeked just enough to see a naked woman sleeping on her belly. I scanned up her bare back…she was blonde…and beautiful. Quickly, I jumped out of bed and got dressed wanting to avoid this awkward morning-after, confrontation.

My head pounded and my vision was fuzzy, Wow, last night must have been a good time, I thought to myself. I could still taste the whiskey on my breath as it parched the inside of my mouth.

Dragging myself into the bathroom, I looked into the mirror. Who is this person? I hadn’t recognized myself for what felt like a long time and It made me sick knowing that I wake up every day feeling the same way. I looked into my own eyes, they were a deep colored blue and had glazed over as if they hadn’t been alive in months.

My thoughts were interrupted by the mysterious woman scrambling to put on her clothes.

Hi john, I know you don’t know me, but just listen. Don’t leave this house or go anywhere. I’ll explain everything when I get back, I won’t be long.” She hurried out the front door before I had a chance to speak.

How did she know my name? Who am I?

Staying in this house all day was not an option, I didn’t want to be alone with this stranger staring back at me in the mirror. Today, I would find out who I was; learn the truth behind my existence.

I had no idea where I was headed to, but I walked out the door and jumped into the first car I spotted parked outside. With the keys conveniently in the ignition, I felt my body take over. Though I had no idea how to drive a car, my movements were automatic. As the car roared forward, the gas pedal underneath my foot, a robotic voice came over the stereo speakers:

Hello, John, where would you like to go today?”

Holy shit, I thought to myself, who is this?

Hello-whose there?”

Hello, john, where would you like to go today?”

I didn’t know what to say, who was this woman? How did she know my name?

I’d really like to make my head stop pounding.”

Sure , John, re-routing to the nearest coffee shop

She guided me through an urban area where hundreds of people were rushing to a destination. I had a longing to be amongst them, just so I could have that feeling of knowing I was expected to be somewhere.

I parked the car and headed into the coffee shop. Looking around, each person was sitting at a table, zoned out. Their eyes focused on a screen in front of them. Some were pounding their fingers furiously on the screen, taking no time to pause. I walked in further to get a closer look at these screens. Each screen was outline with pictures, words and ads. What were they all staring at? I was so mesmerized by their intense focus, I plopped next to a young male and inquired about the screen.

You like this model?” the young male said to me

I’m sorry?”

You like this laptop model? It’s the newest edition. Such a fast connection and it links to all your social networks at once!”

I had no idea what this kid was talking about. He must have seen the complexity on my face and continued to explain by pulling out another smaller device with the same type of screen.

I just got this bad boy yesterday…fully loaded, smartphone. My twitter account simultaneously connects to my brain and can post what I am thinking. Watch this” He pointed to his screen and closed his eyes. As he held the device, a secret, coded message appeared on the screen. I suspect it was part of this “Twitter” language, one that I was not fluent in.

It read:

Cool Jack: Just trying out my new @smartphone edition! #YOLO

The young kid opened his eyes and waited for my reaction. I gave him my best smile, but felt nothing but disgust, who made technology that could access waves in the human brain?

Not a fan of Twitter?” he asked in disappointment.

No

Not even Facebook? EVERYONE uses Facebook!

No, what’s the Facebook?”

It’s called Facebook…drop the- “The”.. and it’s basically a full population database.

Everyone has one?”

Dude, everyone! It’s the only way to identify yourself these days

How do I get to The Facebook?”

HA, get to FACEBOOK…remember, drop the- “the”…you just have to get on the internet and type in the address.”

Ok-thanks for your help

I rushed out the door and got back into the car.

“Hello, John, where would you like to go?” the mysterious voice asked me.

“To the Facebook. I need to go to the Facebook, right now.”

“Im sorry John, I’m not sure what you mean. To the Race Park?”

“No the facebook!”

“I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you mean”

Forget it, robot woman couldn’t understand me, what was the point of her anyway? Surely someone else would know where to find this Book of Faces. Out of nowhere, a man pulled me inside a store. “WELCOME! To wireless central, how may I help you today?”

“ I am trying to get to The Facebook-I was told I can get there thru the internet?”

“Ah, yes you can get on Facebook by purchasing a Smartphone! All our Smartphone’s come equipped with the internet as well. These are all our smart phones” he pointed to a section of screened devices.

“So I can only get to The Facebook from Smartphones, not dumbphones?”

“Haha, you’re so funny! I guess that’s a good way to put it, but no, you can’t”

 “I’ll take it then”

As he gave me the device, I felt a sense of excitement. THIS was the key to finding out who I was.

I pressed some buttons on the phone and another robotic voice came on.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“I want to find The Facebook”

“Sure, do you mean the address for Facebook?”

“Yes”

“Would you like directions?”

“Yes”

As I began my journey, I passed several newsstands with front page articles written about this “Book of Faces”. Some of the article titles were…

Facebook, to take over the world!

The man behind Facebook’s newest invention.

Is the new Facebook technology going to ruin mankind?

This place really seemed to be a big deal, it was bound to have the information I was looking for.

When I came upon a glass building, my device had told me that I had arrived at my destination. As I looked up, I saw the words I had been searching for: FACEBOOK Headquarters

I walked in and was greeted by a young girl at the front desk.

“Is this The Facebook?” I asked her.

She giggled, “Yes, this is Facebook-Drop the-“The”, how can I help you?”

“I am here to find out who I am, I have been told that The Facebook would help me do that”

Before she could answer, the phone rang.

“Hold on a minute” she said.

“Hello? Hi, Ms. Hanson…o, yes….” She glanced back up at me “I understand…sure, I will send him right up” She hung up the phone.“John, please follow me”

I didn’t speak a word as I followed the young girl into the elevator. The doors opened and there were tons of people typing at those weird screens I had seen earlier. As I continued down a hallway, the people around me seemed to stop and stare. Their whispers flew through the rest of the office like wildfire…

That’s him…yea, I saw a whole documentary about his life…total genius…he’s going to change the world…looks older in person…what a brave guy.

The young girl stopped in front of an office door and directed me to go in. I looked up to see the naked woman from earlier this morning standing behind a desk.

“John, John, John…your arrival is right on time everyday! I don’t know how you do it, but the research team is fascinated.”

“Who are you? How do you know me?” I demanded.

She rolled her eyes and sighed “We do this every day John, it’s getting rather annoying. Maybe one day you will actually listen to me and NOT leave the house.”

I sat, feeling anxious for what she was about to tell me.

“You are part of a facebook experiment, one that you created! Soon after taking over the company, we decided our users needed more, something so pioneer that Twitter, Instagram and all those other social losers couldn’t keep up with. Our plan was to re-write every Facebook user’s brain so it could live, breathe, eat the social network. We are still in the beginning stages with this experiment, but we already have erased your mind to re-program it back into the network matrix. Soon you will be able to get a full facebook profile on every stranger you meet. It will be delivered straight to your conscious mind. Eventually, our brains will be programmed like computers so there is no need for any material devices.

“So people want to trade in their natural abilities for a computerized mind? I am responsible for The Facebook Experiment?”

“Yes, facebook-drop the-“the””

My heart began to race as I stood up “Why would anyone want to live in this social network?”

“Because, people are obsessed! They are always on the network and wanted Facebook to integrate more into their lives! You are a genius and our work with this experiment is a technological break-through!”

I felt sick as I stood up to leave, finding the first exit out of the Facebook building.

When I left, I woke up for the first time, again. I woke up to realize that my nightmare each and every day is something I created.

As I walked back into the city, I wanted nothing more than the feeling of being alive, knowing when the blanket of night approached, my memories of feeling real would be covered. How could I have traded pure reality for a programmed one?

When I reached the entrance to  “The Mind Eraser Bar”, I figured I should go in for a drink. The smell of whiskey and cigarettes filled my lungs as I opened the door.

“Evening John, the usual?” asked the bartender.

The bartender knew my usual order? I must come here every day…but for some reason the familiarity gave me a sense of comfort.

Around 12am, I stumbled out of the bar, staying just long enough to feel numb from the truth and walked into a tattoo parlor. I told the artist I needed a permanent reminder on my arm, just one lasting memory.

Perplexed, the tattoo artist asked, “Sure, what were u thinking? A dragon? A skull? You look like a skull type of guy”

“No, I want a reminder, a reminder so permanent, nothing can erase it. I scribbled the words on a piece of paper and handed it to him.

 It read: “Do Not Search For The Facebook, Today

“Do you mean Facebook? I think you drop the -“the”

I laid in the chair and fell asleep as he scribed a note for the stranger in the mirror.

I Got 99 Problems and A Dick Ain’t One

12 Jun

This is a highly inappropriate blog post…I try really hard not to include too many raunchy and profane topics all in one sitting, but…. I really don’t care.

There comes a time in every girls life when she has a particular thought, a thought that I believe is very valid, but nonetheless a simple thought…

What would I do if I had a penis for a day?

Before you read on, you must ask yourself how your feeling about the penis at this very moment…if weenies are scary , you dislike them or are grossed out by the visual thought of them in anyway…Don’t read on.

If you’re like me and wish you had one in a non-lesbian/non-transgender way…by all means, have a BALL… or Two 🙂

I find the male part quite amusing probably because I don’t-nor will ever– have one.

Not only that, but men talk about their penises like they are the best thing since his- and -her lube!

Remember that song from Harold and Kumar? “My dick” by Mickey Avalon? In his song he sings this line: “We got Dicks like Jesus”.

Now who wouldn’t want a Dick like Jesus? Seriously, they should start changing those WWJD? shirts and instead put… I Got A Penis Like Jesus. Those shirts would sell out in a day. Catholics, Christians, Jews and hell-even the Mormons would buy it.

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And If you don’t know who this guy is…shame on you

No wonder us gals are so curious, when do you hear the general female population raving about the greatness of the vagina?…and Alanis Morrissette doesn’t count.

So anyway, all this thought about the Main Vein, got me wondering…what if girl’s had penises? Obviously we would rule the world, that’s a given…Brain+Beauty+Balls…The possibilities would be endless really, but before we dive into that, let’s first explore why a woman wouldn’t want a penis…

Penis Problem #1: It’s incredibly ugly

There’s not much to say here…penises are just…blah. They slightly remind me of an elderly worm.

Wanna Play? EW

Wanna Play? EW

Penis Problem #2: It’s Deceiving

Romans do a great job of depicting this flaw…just look at the Statue of David. David is incredibly tall, muscular, sexy, curly hair… but has the tiniest penis ever. Now, to be fair, it doesn’t mean that David wasn’t packing some serious beef, but maybe David was a grower…not a show-er. Still,you will never know the truth.

Poor guy didn't have a chance to let the world know.

Poor guy didn’t have a chance to let the world know.

Penis Problem #3: size DOES matter

I love it when guys ask this question: Does size really matter to girls? YES. If you say differently, your a liar. In short…a guy can be the hot, and all around great, but he will never be datable if he’s got a French fry in his pants. For all my single ladies out there, how much does it suck when you go out with a guy on a few dates, spend all your time thinking about him, dreaming up fairy tale scenarios, only to find out when you sneak a peek, there is simply no future a-head.

Waste. Of. Time.

Damn Right

Damn Right

And there you have my ANTI-PENIS list.

Let’s explore the Positives-List.

Penis Pro #1- You Can Pee On Everything

I think males completely take this task for granted. Men can pee anywhere at anytime…out the window driving…in a bottle…on a wall…in the woods…off a bridge. My days of hovering over a toilet seat would be gone if I had a penis. Not only would I pee on all types of objects, but id definitely pee on annoying people. Screaming little children for example… If every kid was fearful of getting peed on at all times, you better believe they would shut up real quick.

I can see it now…

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Penis Pro #2: Absolutely play this game…All Day…Everyday…

Penis Pro #3: Cock Slap

Is this a real thing? When someone says, “I going to cock slap you in the face” Can you actually cock-slap someone in the face? I’d like to embark on this mystery to find out for myself.

Penis Pro #4: Penis Shadow Puppets

Hand shadow puppets are fun, but Penis Shadow Puppets are better.

This could be very do-able

This could be very do-able

Penis Pro #5:New-Business Ventures

Why hasn’t anyone made a clothing line for ding-a-lings? I know it sounds crazy, but seriously we dress up animals, paint our nails, wear leg warmers, dress up our hair…it’s about time for a penis clothing line. I think I’d call it…Pocket Rocket & Co.

Penis Pro #6: Boners

Boners are so cool, they are even a little magical. You can just walk into a shoe store and BAM…Boner. Then like an hour later walk into a coffee shop, library, car wash and be like BAM, BAM, BAM…Boner! Seriously, this is the best…Popping boners.

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And my conclusion…having a penis is more productive than having a vagina…There are just more things to accomplish. Ladies have got to start stepping it up on the kegels and making these types of talents happen for us.

But at least there is one truth that will always trump the male parts…a truth so superior, men don’t stand a chance.

There is Power in The Pussy…And don’t you ever forget it.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/12/daily-prompt-law/

*UPDATE* Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

10 Jun

Just when I thought all my kitty problems were gone…I got another knock on my door…with more cat shenanigans.

Guess who? Yep!!

That Crazy Fucking Cat Lady and her subordinate husband.

Knock, Knock...Guess WHO?! MEOW!

Knock, Knock…Guess WHO?! MEOW!

My first thought, Crazy Cat Lady, must have gotten my CAT-VICTIM package. She is coming over to say thank -you, how sweet. Hopefully she left the cat hair at home this time.

I open the door…

“Hi there, just wanted to come by and thank you for the gift. I thought it was really sweet and kitty loves the toys you gave her! Look, Look at this picture of her playing with the cat-nip Squirrel!!

O, and by the way… buying an invisible fence…you didn’t have to do that!! That was above and beyond”

Thank God kitty likes the toys-Crazy Cat Lady taking that picture made her day and will smooth this whole thing over. Phew, looks like we are clear of this one!

“No problem, it was the least we could do! How’s miss kitty doing anyway?”

She started to tear up which made me want to laugh. Partly because her face wrinkles up like Claire Dane’s in Homeland when she cries.

My Cat! My Cat...BOO HOO BOO HOO

My Cat! My Cat…BOO HOO BOO HOO

“She is good-we actually brought her to the vet. She got an X-Ray and a full emergency exam. Vet sees nothing wrong. The thing that really killed me...is when the vet found the teeth marks. She said it was definitely from a dog, so even though we didn’t see your dog attack, it was most likely him.”

Wait a fucking second…there were no witnesses to this?! I have spent all day watching my dogs get shocked by their new invisible fence because you THINK my dog was guilty?!  I started to get angry and wanted her to finish up tear-fest 2013 so she would leave my porch.

“Well, like I said, we feel really bad and the fence will make sure this never happens again. Thanks for stopping by!”

Her husband’s voice shakes as he says, “Um, well we actually wanted to talk to you about the vet bill”

I spin around and my inner voice speaks loud…THESE PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

“We know your an animal lover and all. We know you would understand this whole situation. We feel it’s fair to split the bill with us and half the bill would be $315.00”

They just showed up tonight to ask for money…Bitches. And what kind of vet did they take this cat to?! Did they fly in a cat-dog attack specialist for the vet exam?

“Ok….” I was at a lost for words. My inner voice kicks in again…Just be honest about this.

“Sure we will definitely pay for half of the bill…”

Ah, shit it’s happening. My inability to be confrontational face to face with people older than me. Stop being such a pussy, just tell the lady to take that bill and the cat hair and shove it up her ass.

“…I think it’s totally appropriate we help to pay the bill as well…”

Are you kidding me? Stop right now, tell her shes a greedy ass that is taking advantage of a young couple.

“…You were so right to come over and ask us to help on this, it’s the right thing to do…I’ll drop the check off in your mailbox. Have a great night, glad we could move past this!”

UGH, your so hopeless, I give up, come talk to me again when you grow some balls

Sometimes you just gotta listen

Sometimes you just gotta listen

 

I walk inside, ashamed of my cowardliness and spot Levi, looking right at me.

“You know Levi, if you finished the job-we wouldn’t be paying a vet bill right now…better work on those skills in case that cat decides to come within your invisible fence barrier”

So here I am, writing yet another letter along with a very, expensive check.

Dear Kerri (Yes, I found out her stupid name and it ends with an I. I don’t trust people who names end in I)

Again, I’m glad your cat is OK (But now not really).

In this envelope is the check for $315 (Half of the extremely expensive medical bill for your bald cat, which I hope by the way, stays bald) Hope we can move past this (we wont, I think you people are a waste of space and I will never lend you any cups of sugar or eggs…fuck you)

Sincerely,

Your neighbors (who now hate your guts and hope your cat gets eaten by a wild animal or drowns in the Holy Lake)

Invisible Fences Make PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE neighbors

EPSON scanner image

Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

6 Jun

Typically Life Situation for That Girl Ryan…

When I signed those mortgage papers on my first home this year, I was ecstatic! Goodbye annoying apartment renters, goodbye lazy landlords and HELLO freedom!

Freedom of doing what I want because I’m a mother fucking home owner and don’t have to listen to anymore apartment management bullshit rules. (Can you tell I have resentment?)

Our House

Our House

Boy Ryan and I have always been THOSE neighbors, “the problem renters”

Just to clue you in, here are some rules we have violated;

Noise violation (after 11pm on a Saturday night)

Failure to weed our outdoor patio (never knew this existed)

Failure to pick up after our dog (who by the way shits at least 4 times a day. Its impossible to keep up)

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

Ok, Ok, so we haven’t been the best renters, but I thought our renter problems would disappear after buying a home…but they don’t. You still have to put up with these people called neighbors; and neighbors tend not to relocate after a year of residence…they last a lot longer.

We moved into a lake community, let’s re-phrase…a “clicky” lake community. To join this lake in our neighborhood it’s a $1000/year. In my opinion, paying $1000 to swim in a dirty lake for 3 months out of the year is a bit expensive…call me crazy but I just wasn’t feeling it. However, what I failed to recognize is that ALL the neighbors in our community are part of the lake and get offended when you don’t join.

So when we didn’t join, I got the vibe that we were being shunned. Whatever, Shun the non-believer, it doesn’t bother me. Plus we invested in a baby pool this summer so that Addison wouldn’t feel under privileged. We actually have her convinced that the baby pool with clean water is much better than a lake with dirty water.

The Holy Lake

The Holy Lake

Here’s us, minding our own business…mowing our lawn, taking out our trash, waving to each neighbor like were riding on a god-damn parade float every morning… illustrating positive neighborly behavior.

And just when we started to think that we REALLY are good neighbors, LEVI, our newest family addition, decided to become a serial cat killer.

Adopting Levi was way too easy. He loves to cuddle, allows Addison to dress him up like a doll and listens! Yes, he listens really well! I thought it was a little too perfect from the beginning…There’s gotta be something wrong with him.

I found out this flaw the hard way as he shredded into a squirrel and attempted to Gator-Spin my parent’s cat, twice. And there it was…his flaw…he is not a cat enthusiast.

Such a Doll

Such a Doll

So long story short, Levi escapes one day without me noticing (probably taking direction from Joba, who is very capable of escaping on purpose) and attacks the neighbor’s furry friend. This entire escape was unbeknownst to me until a few hours later when I heard a knock at my door. I look and find my neighbors from across the street standing there.

O, how nice, they came to introduce themselves and bring muffins! What sweethearts.…I opened the door.

The woman is in tears, shaking and clutching clumps of what I realized was fur. Her husband stood next to her, red in the face, clearly embarrassed by his sobbing wife…

Your dog, attacked my cat! Look!” She pulled both hands up near my face to show me the cat fur. “YOUR dog pulled clumps of fur from her and drew blood! She won’t even come out from under the couch and is limping!

I glanced at Levi who was happily wagging his tail, excited to greet the new guests standing at the door.

O um, wow I’m so sorry, is the cat ok?”

NO! look at all this fur!”

I’m still a little perplexed as to why she brought the fur over with her to my house. Did she think I wouldn’t believe that fur has been lost in this cat-dog exchange. Plus, it was a bit rude because I had just mopped my floor and some of the cat hair strands flew into the house.

Yes, I’m so sorry, ill pay for the bill if the cat has to go to vet. It won’t ever happen again

“No it Won’t!” she threatened and stormed off with her husband in tow.

Dog Shame

Dog Shame

And here we go…we have done it again! As I shut the door, I pondered…how the hell do I make this better?

Solution #1: buy an invisible fence. Good fences make Good neighbors

Solution #2: join the god-damn lake so none of the other neighbors will talk shit about us. $1000 might be worth saving our reputation as the cat killing neighbors

Solution #3: send an apology to “cat lady victim #3”

But what do I send? Wine? Wine always helps everything…but what if shes a recovering alcoholic? That could make it worse…cookies? Shit I don’t have that kind of time. I could just buy them, but that looks insincere…”Here’s some cookies from ShopRite for your cat troubles”.

No, that won’t work…but you know what will? A “CAT-VICTIM-PACKAGE”! Perfect, a peace offering for the cat lady and her bald cat.

Lets see…i’ll get some cat-nip and treats…scoop up some extra dog hair from Joba to replace the lost hair from the scuffle…throw in a few kitty-self defensive classes and top it off with dog-repellant. That should really smooth this whole hair ball over.

angry-cat

I gathered all the necessary items and opened the blank card to scribe a personal note.

Dear…..Shit, I don’t know my neighbor’s names!

“We are so sorry about your cat, can’t tell you how awful we feel about this whole situation. We wanted to give your cat some treats as an apology from Levi (who definitely is not sorry)

We went ahead and purchased an invisible fence to ensure this will never happen again (for the safety of your cat, we will now punish our dogs with shock collars-Your Welcome).

We wish for a fast recovery and hope your cat can feel safe in her driveway (although she is an outside cat meaning anything could eat her, but at least it won’t be our dog) Please let us know if there is anything else we can do (unless of course the cat died over night).”

-Ryan and Ryan

Your caring, loving neighbors (please don’t hate us)

I dropped it off on the doorstep during the day so I could avoid any awkward conversation..I wouldn’t even know what to say

So here we are, good neighbors mending fences by putting up invisible barriers.

We will continue to wave our hellos and flash our pearly white smiles but it will never be the same as it was before the cat incident. They will always be the crazy cat neighbors to us and we will always be the crazy cat killers to them.

Yes, this is the bliss of home-ownership.

GoodFences1Daily Post Prompt…Four Stars: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

Green with Envy, The Jafees

16 May

When I started blogging, I thought I was THE SHIT..Like super-star potential awesome…I hear this is a common symptom in the Generation Y age groups. But then I started reading other people’s blogs (OPB).  And they make me sick with their talent, humor and amusing stories-yuck.

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

You down with OPB? Ya, You Know Me

This morning, Go Jules Go, granted 6 bloggers the Jafee award.

The Jafees! is given out to bloggers by bloggers. Jafee stands for “Jealous As F***” . This award symbolizes that someone out there-creepy blog readers like me– Are jealous of other bloggers ideas and talents.

I like it, its about time we are start sharing our resentful tendencies with one another. So instead of sitting here at my computer, thinking of how much I hate my favorite bloggers (because I’m just envious that I didn’t think of their ideas) I’ve decided to be the bigger person and let my favorite bloggers know that their talent pisses me off and to tone it down-give other people a chance to shine, god dammit.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

Yea, so I think your pretty stellar. Go You.

564472_129960310497100_1659563866_n1. Don of All Trades

I’m so jealous of Don.

Don is this guy that- I assume is pretty old- but he makes parenting look cool…Do you know how hard it is to make parenting look cool? The snot, the tantrums and the vomit…he makes it all look glamorous.

All his kids have these nifty nicknames…especially the one called “G$”. I’d give my left arm to be called “G$“. Secretly, I think hes the male, much older, version of me…He’s got ADD, talks trashy AND clearly likes to drink…definitely my type of blogger. Go ahead Don, keep being amazing, I dare ya.

coffee_pic2. The Jiggly Bits

Teeny Bikini is fucking hysterical. There is just no way other way to put it-the girl makes me pee my pants laughing. Her perspective on life and UN-matched sarcasm is enough to make any gal look mediocre. Every week, I wait by my email like a loser, ready for her next adventurous post- especially if it has to do with her RAD-Cat licking nipples. Girlfriend-you rock.

I'm pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

I’m pretty sure this is her 10th Jafee Award

3. Go Jules Go

Who isn’t jealous of Go Jules Go? She’s like the popular girl in high school that everybody wants to be. She’s blonde, funny AND can rock a stache better than any guy I know. When I first started my blogging journey less than 4 months ago, I frequently would visit Jule’s blog. This chick has like 5 husbands and has a dog named Uncle Jesse. Seriously- your perfect life makes me vomit.

246758_188954201157042_6444522_n

4. The Jittery Goat

Kenton Lewis is nothing but pure talent. He is always the first to post on WordPress’s The Daily Post and that just boils my blood. Most days, I have to do this thing…its called work… and can’t participate, but Kenton Lewis  has his post written and perfected five minutes after the topic is released…What The Hell Kenton? Either this dude is a mind reader or he’s just that talented. Plus, his mom is 99  and he is a published author…I just can’t handle it.

962937_10151385866695588_352634079_nlogo5. Small Chick, Big Deals

Sara is a personal friend of mine from college. I knew her when she began her blog and have watched it take off into a huge success. Her restaurant reviews and connections with local spots in New Jersey is enough to make anybody cringe with envy. She gets free clothes from clothing boutiques AND free food. Plus, she is one of those skinny girls that will never get fat-no matter what she eats. UGH Annoying.

If your a blogger…spread the jealousy!! This award can be given to anyone-by anyone! Rules HERE.

What bloggers are so freaking annoyingly- awesome that you want to give them a Jafee?

Resume Rules

9 May

sample res

In honor of the recent college grads out there, I wanted to formally welcome you to the real world and let you in on some trade life secrets.

IT SUCKS! you should of stayed in your college bubble and procrastinated on finishing school.

Well too late for regrets, you have no choice but to move forward and find a real job, unless your a super genius and can start a billion dollar .com company which in any case you wouldn’t be reading this particular blog because its for sub-genius individuals like myself.

Now that we got that out of the way, back to you recent grads, you have to get your resume written, like yesterday.

images

Every time I sit down to update my resume, I have a moment when i feel utter hatred for the person who created them. This person should clearly die and if they are already dead, someone needs to go vomit on their grave. Resumes are nothing but a bunch of bullshit written on paper. I can spend hours upon hours thinking of ways to impress a recruiter, but chances are they only look at my masterpiece for, what? 60 seconds…really?

Sometimes, I even turn to the “All knowing Machine” for some pointers. GOOGLE SEARCH: How to write a good resume

RESULTS:

“Ten things recruiters HATE about resumes”

“The rules of resume writing”

“How to create the perfect resume”

So many rules, and half of them all contradict each other….

Don’t put your full name/Don’t make the resume more than 2 pages/ Don’t leave any employment gaps/Don’t breathe on your paper/Don’t let the resume see any sunlight….Jesus Christ how does anyone know what to do with this shit.

I mean this crap is just getting ridiculous. Whats so hard about a job-you get to work by 9am and leave at 5pm. Does this document really need to be the be-all, end-all to my life?

stress

I’ve eaten my laptop on numerous occasions

There’s going to be a rebellion one day and it isn’t going to be about the economy or gun laws, its going to be about these fucking resumes. Guess what super-powerful recruiters, we hate your resume rules.

I even nominated myself to start a list of the most idiotic resume rules I’ve seen…

1. Always use proper grammar and spell check

No shit Sherlock. Who knowingly sends in a resume full of spelling and grammar mistakes? Don’t we all know that by now? Microsoft Word- spell checker clearly F*up.

2. Do not use “UN-professional” email addresses in your resume

Hmm, now this is an objective question. What is UN-professional? Honestly, more people should be hired because of their email addresses. You can tell a lot about a person’s email address…good and bad…

FromBrittanytoBrian@gmail.com ….This could be a transgender individual…Easy way to fill a gender quota…

ChunkyMonkey@yahoo.com…This could be a fat person that might eat all the food from the shared office refrigerator…

MyFunIsXRated@me.com…This could be the CEO’s new secretary…Rumor has it he hasn’t been laid in years and could use a little loosening up

3. Use “ACTION” words in your resume

Basically this is saying, make your job sound more exciting and important than it really is. Example:

Real Position

Secretary

Filing papers, making copies for the sales team,

coffee runs and take notes in executive meetings

Resume Position

Administrative Manager

Manage and maintain new and existing documents in system database. Develop and create company marketing, sales and administrative materials. Participate with senior management members on various corporate projects.

BAM…SUPERSTAR!

superstar-molly-shannon-single-parent

You know those people at work where you think, “Who the fuck hired this douche-bag?” These are the people who look good on paper. What does this teach us? Just because you look good on paper doesn’t mean your not a pain in the ass.

What’s an Honesty Resume? Its a document full of total, utter truth. Right to the point and cuts through the fluff.

I’ve made a quick one to show you hows its done.

Benefits of Objectives and Disclaimers: Writing an objective should not be about your clever industry “Buzz” words. No one really believes your motivated and innovative.  The disclaimers and fine print items are also right there in the open. Your not hiding, your just putting your expectations up front. It’s kind of like mentioning on a first date that you don’t want kids.

res1

Benefits of Education and Experience: Education is a yes or no question, not an explanation. So if you almost flunked out, doesn’t matter, you still got that paper hanging on your wall.

res2

Benefits of Skills and Achievements: This is the worst part of the entire resume, you can count EVERYTHING…take an hour tutorial on Photoshop? Check, Skill. Dabbled in photography for a month? Check, skill. Read a book on computer coding? Check, skill.

Put what you know your good at. Leave it up to the recruiter to translate how these skills correlate to your job…

res3

I find these all very valid in the work place

And then, finish it off with an honest cover letter…

Dear Recruiter,

I clearly fucking rock and am qualified for this position. Call me when you can get over the awesomeness of my life. I am more than happy to give you references. They are three-four people who think I’m the shit and will tell you the same.

Yes, I will consider coming in for a formal interview.

Your Welcome.

That Girl Ryan

Well, one day when pigs fly, we will be writing honesty resumes that reflect our individuality instead of cookie-cutter qualifications.

But until that day arrives, bull-shit away my friends.

Keep Dreaming

Keep Dreaming

*Don’t forget to tune in this weekend for my Mother’s Day SPECIAL post.

You know you wanna read about my mama 🙂

Joba & Me…My College Experience With One of Life’s Worst Dog

3 May

Throwback Thursday… Blog Style!!

I wrote this back in my college days/Pre -That Girl Ryan, about my beloved Joba. Just when I think my dog drives me nuts, I am reminded by this post just how bad he used to be…Originally Featured on www.Internqueen.com

Me and My Man

Me and My Man

His name is Joba; Joba like the baseball player; no relation to Joba-da-hut. He cost me $40, and yes that $40 bucks changed my whole perspective on life. He was a little piece of hell with paws, wrapped in a soft coat and topped off with the cutest floppy ears I have ever seen. I fell for it, but I am here to tell you my experience so that you will not be fooled like I was.

Seriously, could you blame me?

Look at him...Melt

How could you not want this fuzzy mess?

How could you not want this fuzzy mess?

These are 9 things you need to know before you get a dog in college:

1.      When you see an ad like this:

Border collie/mix puppies. $40

Call 555-990-4569

You are paying for what you get. There is a reason why puppies are meant to cost hundreds of dollars, because they are from reputable breeders, not farmers who have 13 children and live in total isolation. My vet had informed me at one of Joba’s checkups that he has been mixed with Border collie and Virginian wolf, a type of dog that is not meant to be domesticated. She also alluded to that fact that he is probably a result of heavy inbreeding. Great, welcome to The Hills Have Eyes part Dog. 

2.     When you run out of money and food in college your dog can not live off of Ramen Noodles like you can. They enjoy inhaling it down at the moment, but hours later, you will have a Ramen Noodle upchuck display that definitely does not add to the aesthetics of your room.

3.     Dogs are addicted to chocolate. One veterinarian told me that chocolate to dogs is like heroin to humans. I witnessed this first hand when I came home to my roommate hysterically crying and yelling at my dog for eating all 30 of his Chocolate chip cookies. He then continued to tell me that my dog needed to get help and he was absolutely hopeless. That intervention would put the A&E channel to shame.

4.      Professors don’t care that your dog keeps you up at night. One example is the Joba Chocolate Explosion of 2009; I remember it like it was yesterday…

ME: “The reason I cant turn in my assignment today is due to the fact I was up all night cleaning the ceiling of my bathroom because my dog ate a full chocolate bunny that I got for Easter. I could have done the assignment this morning but I spent all morning perplexed as to how he managed to get throw-up on the ceiling. So, can I have an extension?”

PROFESSOR: “Good try, NO.”

Nope that excuse doesn’t work, it’s better to stick with “my printer broke.”

5.      They enjoy shoes and have expensive tastes. The one day you forget to shut your closet door, you will come home to a Prada and Vera Wang battle field. Your dog will be the only one who has survived and is still intact, but Vera and Prada will have seen better days. When this happens, do not cry on your bed for hours thinking of ways to paint over the teeth marks or try to super glue the strap back on, just let them rest in peace.

6.     They never behave themselves at other people’s houses. Just when you think that your dog is having fun at your best friend’s place you receive a text that reads,” your dog crapped all over my house, including the stairs and walls. I think its time for Joba to go home.” That is a sure way to put a damper on the night.

Took him three years to put a single paw in the water...we have come a long way

Took him three years to put a single paw in the water…we have come a long way

7.     Dogs don’t mix well with messy roommates. You never know who is responsible for what mess. Many times there might be trash all over the place and you start to wonder if the dog got into it, or your roommate decided to finally clean his room. There was one time in particular that my dog got into a box of hot chocolate mix, and being a coco addict, completely ripped the packets all over my roommate’s bed. My roommate did not notice until three days later when he went to put on the clothes he had been using as a blanket on his bed.

8.     Dogs riding in a car never turns out well. Now you may get a dog that sits nicely in the front seat and stares out the window but I of course did not have that kind of luck. My dog has what is called travel anxiety and drools and farts uncontrollably in the car. Usually at the end of any kind of car excursion, I typically end up with one of two scenarios; people telling me my dog should be checked for rabies due to the foam around his mouth or a lingering rancid odor and floor full of what I call Joba’s Mixture; drool, snot and spit.

9.     There are paybacks. Don’t think that I have let my dog completely get away with all of his shenanigans; I make sure he is embarrassed every now and again with making him wear a hideous sweater or a rain coat, but the best time of the year is when Halloween rolls around. What Joba doesn’t know is that the amount of doggie costumes are endless and I always pick out the most glamorous one; this year it was a turtle. Yes, I paraded him around campus in a bright green shell topped off with an adorable hat that had two bulging eyes at the top. The costume turtle shell also restricted his leg movement which forced him to pee in a squatting motion, just like a girl dog.  O, the sweet revenge.

Jobacostume

He really is starting to love this costume

So, if I haven’t scared you enough and you still are considering getting a dog in college, then this last piece will make you feel a little better. Dogs are loyal to the core; they don’t care what you wear or what you really think about that professor who assigns 7 page papers. All they want is your attention and to give you their unconditional love. At times dogs test your patience and make you look like a complete fool, but I assure you that their antics will always make you laugh and keep you on your toes. So if you’re up for the challenge of raising a dog, than good luck! Just remember to be totally prepared for anything and I mean ANYTHING.

The Best Worst Decision Ever Made.

The Best Worst Decision Ever Made.

The Grocery Store War

1 May

grocerystore

Friends, I have a new hobby…Ive decided to start a new diet! So far its great but I compiled a quick Pro/Con list to share:

PROS:

1. Less Pimples

2. More Energy

3. Fast Weight Loss

CONS:

1. The toilet bowl has become my new friend

2. My own bowels have become my worst enemy

3. I am in the grocery store A LOT, like 3.5 hours a week…F.M.L.

#3 might be the reason I stop my new diet…

I HATE the grocery store, like I want to burn the place down, kind of hate. It’s gotten to the point that when I enter the doors to a grocery store, I hear a voice in my head: “Happy Shopping, May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor”

So I’m, going to let you explore why I have a deep despise for this place, in an unique kind of way of course…by making a “Hate Poem” about the shopping market…Enjoy

The all too familiar view

The all too familiar view

Dearest Grocery Store,

Iv decided to write you a poem about how much I loathe you,

I felt it was more appropriate in a form of a poem, because I hate those too…

I walk into your doors as they slowly slide open,

only to find that half the grocery carts are all broken

Taking the one with the squeakiest wheel,

is about as disturbing as Oprah’s sex appeal…

Oprah, Work it Girl

Oprah, Work it Girl

Turning down the aisle to start on my mission,

picking up first package of free-range chicken

I bet these chickens felt lucky to run around and trot

thinking they’d never end up in anyone’s cooking pot

As I’m throwing the package into my cart,

I suddenly get a whiff of the smallest fart.

Ew, how gross, I think in my head,

The smell is so toxic, I might drop dead

How dare these deadly crop dusters pollute my lungs,

Farting in the grocery store should be as illegal as assault guns.

As I run away from these deadly gases leaking from a stranger’s ass

I find myself in another situation that makes me want a shot-glass…

Little babies and toddlers sitting in their cart seats,

scream at the top of their lungs for their mom to buy a treat

Oh My God, how annoying these kids can be

Yet, there mothers never give them the third degree

Their shrieks and cries make me start to see red,

And all I can think about is whacking these kids right in the head

I’m not that kind of person, I shouldn’t think that way,

But they are so bad, someone should beat them with a cafeteria tray…

O Yea, you know these kids

O Yea, you know these kids

As I enter into the produce section, I start to fester,

Especially when I spot a female Fruit-Molester

She touches and smells and pokes and prods,

until the fruit is so damaged it resembles a smooshed frog.

Well, thanks for the germs you dirty bitch,

I’m sure those hands have been scratching in a place that shouldn’t itch.

Now that you have infected and touched all the good fruit,

all the rest of us are forced to purchase your germ-ridden brute…

So again I move on to find a row of FREE SAMPLES!

I look to see the opportunity to be first in line, is more than ample.

But as I approach the table with a promise of a snack,

I am ambushed by a herd of hungry human packs.

They gobble and grunt as they consume the samples remaining,

Pushing in line and stepping on your toes without explaining.

As your turn in line is almost up,

you look to find nothing left but an empty Dixie cup

NO! Damn you, all of you greedy pigs

I hope all your first born children die of SIDS.

Ok, that was harsh, I have to agree,

but these people are hogs and didn’t leave any for me!

If I can get any in time...

If I can get any in time…

Making it past the deli section, with great success,

you head over to check-out where you think you can rest.

But O no, the hung-over checkout boy has a different plan,

he isn’t very quick and slightly reeks of a Coors Light beer can.

To make it worse, I’m behind an old hag,

Who will take 30 minutes to pull a checkbook out of her bag

When I get to the front and its finally my turn,

the hung-over checkout boy says, “I betcha can’t wait till that old lady’s in a urn?”

He chuckles at his witty comment and continues to scan,

Telling me about the Supermarket’s “Awesome” pension plan

I nod and grin and wish I could press fast forward,

Because now he’s talking about the many uses of a human umbilical cord.

Just as I think I’m almost done,

he asks if I can donate $1 to the children’s hospital summer camp fund.

Well, how can I say no to sick children, I would look like a bitch,

This organization is smart, what a brilliant sales-pitch!

So once again I am guilt-ed to donate my cash,

So I give the boy the rest of my dollar bill stash…

3ryl6j

Finally, I’m out, finally I’m free,

it only took 2 hours but I’m strolling the parking lot buzzing like a bee

I look to my left and look to my right,

Entering the parking lot which resembles a bomb site

I throw my empty shopping cart into the nearest tree crease,

but am startled by the sound of the shopping cart POLICE

Excuse me Mam, please put your cart back in the designated area”,

his face was red and twitched like he was about to go into total conversation hysteria

My eyes scanned for the nearest cart drop-off, it was at least a five minute walk,

Is he for real? PSHH, this guy can piss off

I responded as calmly as I could,

but I’d had enough of this place and there’s no way this man would of understood

Sir, while I appreciate your job and all that you do,

you don’t understand what I’ve seen, you just don’t understand my angle of view

If you try and stop me as I get into my car,

I will kick so hard in the ass, it will leave a scar.

With that being said, its time for me to leave,

this place makes me sick and I think I might heave”

Goodbye dreaded store, goodbye for now,

I won’t miss you a bit, I give you my vow

Sincerely,

Your Loyal Shopper Girl Ryan

And THAT my friends are my thoughts on the grocery store.

Until next week….

k-bigpic
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/daily-prompt-mad-libs/

Dancing With The “O” Girls

17 Apr
734026_1971598693217_941967433_n

If you don’t have sisters…you just won’t understand

Last week was siblings day! How could I have let that one slip? I wanted to introduce my two sisters to my TGR readers the right way. Obviously by dancing.

My entire family loves to dance. People ask me all the time what I like to do with my free-time…well this is it.

One constant argument between my sisters and I is always….Who has the best dance moves? Saturday nights and sometimes, Tuesday mornings, you can find us battling it out in my Mom’s living room.

So, we decided to settle this argument the right way, with a PUBLIC Dance-Off. (god help me if this ever comes back to bite me)

WARNING: The dance moves you are about to see will blow your mind. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

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