I’m not promising any magic in this post today, just a random rant that struck my fancy because I spend entirely too much time on Facebook.
Have you ever read those trending topics on facebook?
Right hand side of the screen? Popular stories? I’ll wait a moment for you to find it….
Ok well this week’s topics were the most asinine stories I have ever seen. I’d rather have scrolled through my newsfeed reading all the retarded status updates of gym losers posting selfies of their #AWESOME workouts. #HatersGunnaHate
In case you missed it, here are the trending topics on Facebook this week…
Hercules
Dwayne Johnson proves he is Hercules in this new trailer
Russell Crowe Meets Arnold Schwarzenegger
Can someone please tell “The Rock” to stop trying to make Dwayne Johnson happen! This man is having a serious identity crisis.
Did he really prove to be Hercules? Last time I checked he was a wrestler out of work, making movies terrible by starring in them.
America, when will we learn that ex-wrestlers/lifters/porn stars/ do not make good movie stars? Case in point: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Nick Cannon
Nick Cannon wears white face, sparks internet controversy.
Have you heard about this yet? White people are legit pissed.
Are they really that mad? Or are they just riding the “poor white people” wave they have waited so long for…FINALLY, a black guy does something us white people can publicly complain about. We can’t complain about their terrible grammar, music, bad behaviors or excessive breeding habits because that would be racist, but now, WHITE PEOPLE ARE FINALLY THE VICTIMS!
Yep, they have been waiting years for victim status. So in short, whiteys ain’t letting this shit go.
Let the man do some white face, it’s a compliment, not a diss. Fuck people, stop being such ass hats.
Nick, welcome to world of being white…I think you nailed it, even the part where you married a cougar. Kudos.
National Football League
NFL will now penalize players for dunking over the goal post
Ok…And…If this is “trending” topic-worthy there is no reason as to why the pimple on my ass shouldn’t be.
Plus, aren’t you supposed to dunk in football? No? Wrong sport?
Stupid…exactly my point.
Flight 370
Debris found by Chinese Satellites
O Jesus Christ, here we go again…the Chinese satellites found “debris” floating in the ocean…for the third time this week.
Is it me or does anyone else question why the rest of the world would think these Chinese satellite images are credible? Let’s not even discuss the fact that Chinese satellites are probably sold in Walmart, made by a group of unpaid children in a factory but I just don’t see debris in the picture.
Although if I squint my eyes hard enough looking at the images, similar to how the Chinese would look at it, then I do see plane debris. But then again I also see Godzilla in the left hand corner, so who knows.
Squint and See
The bigger mystery is, how do the Chinese see anything out of those eye-slits?
How? HOW CAN YOU SEE?
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
Uncoupling
Here we are, just uncoupling
Spoiler alert: they split up.
It was an “amicable” breakup or what Gwyneth calls, “Conscious UnCoupling”
Please explain what Concious Uncoupling means. Do people use this term, “Conscious Uncoupling”? Is this a thing now? I can’t wait until the first turd starts using this phrase on Facebook.
Status update: Me and Chad decided to break up. #ConciousUncoupling
How does one “uncouple” themselves? Do you just decide, hey lets start to uncouple. I’ll bang some guys tonight, you bang some girls tomorrow and we can start this uncoupling process. We will do things in an uncouple way.
One benefit to this break up…Coldplay might actually decide to consciously uncouple themselves. Wouldn’t that bring joy to the masses. We can finally stop slitting our wrists listening to their depressing music.
North Korea
Kim Jong Un requires all North Korean Men to get haircuts…like his haircut
Attention men of North Korea, you are now ordered to cut your hair like a fat faced penis. Don’t feel too bad, you could be like us Americans who are now required to buy health insurance. Imagine the horror of that!
Although, it could be worse, he could be requesting that everyone get haircuts like his pal, Dennis Rodman.
Who would you rather look like? An asian version of Hitler or a black, green-haired pirate?
The choice is yours:
Jeff Gordon and Stephen Rhodes
Come out of the closet as a gay couple
I think the world is coming to an end. Jeff Gordon announces he is a gay man in a relationship with openly gay driver Stephen Rhodes.
No, wait, this is supposedly a hoax according to searches on Google…but it’s too late, this has already spread across the internet. Nobody knows its a rumor, especially a bunch of red-neck NASCAR fans. Unfortunately they are illiterate. All they saw was the picture of both men holding hands and went nuts. Some fans have already committed suicide from the news. In fact, I saw 4 less Gordon flags flying this morning.
FACT: NASCAR fans reportedly have been seen running into the northern state borders with guns screaming, “Kill all the liberals and the gays!”
FACT: I have lost faith in humanity.
Can’t wait to see what crap is trending on Facebook next week…until then!
That Girl Ryan 