Tag Archives: Parents

*UPDATE* Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

10 Jun

Just when I thought all my kitty problems were gone…I got another knock on my door…with more cat shenanigans.

Guess who? Yep!!

That Crazy Fucking Cat Lady and her subordinate husband.

Knock, Knock...Guess WHO?! MEOW!

Knock, Knock…Guess WHO?! MEOW!

My first thought, Crazy Cat Lady, must have gotten my CAT-VICTIM package. She is coming over to say thank -you, how sweet. Hopefully she left the cat hair at home this time.

I open the door…

“Hi there, just wanted to come by and thank you for the gift. I thought it was really sweet and kitty loves the toys you gave her! Look, Look at this picture of her playing with the cat-nip Squirrel!!

O, and by the way… buying an invisible fence…you didn’t have to do that!! That was above and beyond”

Thank God kitty likes the toys-Crazy Cat Lady taking that picture made her day and will smooth this whole thing over. Phew, looks like we are clear of this one!

“No problem, it was the least we could do! How’s miss kitty doing anyway?”

She started to tear up which made me want to laugh. Partly because her face wrinkles up like Claire Dane’s in Homeland when she cries.

My Cat! My Cat...BOO HOO BOO HOO

My Cat! My Cat…BOO HOO BOO HOO

“She is good-we actually brought her to the vet. She got an X-Ray and a full emergency exam. Vet sees nothing wrong. The thing that really killed me...is when the vet found the teeth marks. She said it was definitely from a dog, so even though we didn’t see your dog attack, it was most likely him.”

Wait a fucking second…there were no witnesses to this?! I have spent all day watching my dogs get shocked by their new invisible fence because you THINK my dog was guilty?!  I started to get angry and wanted her to finish up tear-fest 2013 so she would leave my porch.

“Well, like I said, we feel really bad and the fence will make sure this never happens again. Thanks for stopping by!”

Her husband’s voice shakes as he says, “Um, well we actually wanted to talk to you about the vet bill”

I spin around and my inner voice speaks loud…THESE PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

“We know your an animal lover and all. We know you would understand this whole situation. We feel it’s fair to split the bill with us and half the bill would be $315.00”

They just showed up tonight to ask for money…Bitches. And what kind of vet did they take this cat to?! Did they fly in a cat-dog attack specialist for the vet exam?

“Ok….” I was at a lost for words. My inner voice kicks in again…Just be honest about this.

“Sure we will definitely pay for half of the bill…”

Ah, shit it’s happening. My inability to be confrontational face to face with people older than me. Stop being such a pussy, just tell the lady to take that bill and the cat hair and shove it up her ass.

“…I think it’s totally appropriate we help to pay the bill as well…”

Are you kidding me? Stop right now, tell her shes a greedy ass that is taking advantage of a young couple.

“…You were so right to come over and ask us to help on this, it’s the right thing to do…I’ll drop the check off in your mailbox. Have a great night, glad we could move past this!”

UGH, your so hopeless, I give up, come talk to me again when you grow some balls

Sometimes you just gotta listen

Sometimes you just gotta listen

 

I walk inside, ashamed of my cowardliness and spot Levi, looking right at me.

“You know Levi, if you finished the job-we wouldn’t be paying a vet bill right now…better work on those skills in case that cat decides to come within your invisible fence barrier”

So here I am, writing yet another letter along with a very, expensive check.

Dear Kerri (Yes, I found out her stupid name and it ends with an I. I don’t trust people who names end in I)

Again, I’m glad your cat is OK (But now not really).

In this envelope is the check for $315 (Half of the extremely expensive medical bill for your bald cat, which I hope by the way, stays bald) Hope we can move past this (we wont, I think you people are a waste of space and I will never lend you any cups of sugar or eggs…fuck you)

Sincerely,

Your neighbors (who now hate your guts and hope your cat gets eaten by a wild animal or drowns in the Holy Lake)

Invisible Fences Make PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE neighbors

EPSON scanner image

Invisible Fences, Make Good Neighbors

6 Jun

Typically Life Situation for That Girl Ryan…

When I signed those mortgage papers on my first home this year, I was ecstatic! Goodbye annoying apartment renters, goodbye lazy landlords and HELLO freedom!

Freedom of doing what I want because I’m a mother fucking home owner and don’t have to listen to anymore apartment management bullshit rules. (Can you tell I have resentment?)

Our House

Our House

Boy Ryan and I have always been THOSE neighbors, “the problem renters”

Just to clue you in, here are some rules we have violated;

Noise violation (after 11pm on a Saturday night)

Failure to weed our outdoor patio (never knew this existed)

Failure to pick up after our dog (who by the way shits at least 4 times a day. Its impossible to keep up)

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

This is the actual Weeding Patio violation

Ok, Ok, so we haven’t been the best renters, but I thought our renter problems would disappear after buying a home…but they don’t. You still have to put up with these people called neighbors; and neighbors tend not to relocate after a year of residence…they last a lot longer.

We moved into a lake community, let’s re-phrase…a “clicky” lake community. To join this lake in our neighborhood it’s a $1000/year. In my opinion, paying $1000 to swim in a dirty lake for 3 months out of the year is a bit expensive…call me crazy but I just wasn’t feeling it. However, what I failed to recognize is that ALL the neighbors in our community are part of the lake and get offended when you don’t join.

So when we didn’t join, I got the vibe that we were being shunned. Whatever, Shun the non-believer, it doesn’t bother me. Plus we invested in a baby pool this summer so that Addison wouldn’t feel under privileged. We actually have her convinced that the baby pool with clean water is much better than a lake with dirty water.

The Holy Lake

The Holy Lake

Here’s us, minding our own business…mowing our lawn, taking out our trash, waving to each neighbor like were riding on a god-damn parade float every morning… illustrating positive neighborly behavior.

And just when we started to think that we REALLY are good neighbors, LEVI, our newest family addition, decided to become a serial cat killer.

Adopting Levi was way too easy. He loves to cuddle, allows Addison to dress him up like a doll and listens! Yes, he listens really well! I thought it was a little too perfect from the beginning…There’s gotta be something wrong with him.

I found out this flaw the hard way as he shredded into a squirrel and attempted to Gator-Spin my parent’s cat, twice. And there it was…his flaw…he is not a cat enthusiast.

Such a Doll

Such a Doll

So long story short, Levi escapes one day without me noticing (probably taking direction from Joba, who is very capable of escaping on purpose) and attacks the neighbor’s furry friend. This entire escape was unbeknownst to me until a few hours later when I heard a knock at my door. I look and find my neighbors from across the street standing there.

O, how nice, they came to introduce themselves and bring muffins! What sweethearts.…I opened the door.

The woman is in tears, shaking and clutching clumps of what I realized was fur. Her husband stood next to her, red in the face, clearly embarrassed by his sobbing wife…

Your dog, attacked my cat! Look!” She pulled both hands up near my face to show me the cat fur. “YOUR dog pulled clumps of fur from her and drew blood! She won’t even come out from under the couch and is limping!

I glanced at Levi who was happily wagging his tail, excited to greet the new guests standing at the door.

O um, wow I’m so sorry, is the cat ok?”

NO! look at all this fur!”

I’m still a little perplexed as to why she brought the fur over with her to my house. Did she think I wouldn’t believe that fur has been lost in this cat-dog exchange. Plus, it was a bit rude because I had just mopped my floor and some of the cat hair strands flew into the house.

Yes, I’m so sorry, ill pay for the bill if the cat has to go to vet. It won’t ever happen again

“No it Won’t!” she threatened and stormed off with her husband in tow.

Dog Shame

Dog Shame

And here we go…we have done it again! As I shut the door, I pondered…how the hell do I make this better?

Solution #1: buy an invisible fence. Good fences make Good neighbors

Solution #2: join the god-damn lake so none of the other neighbors will talk shit about us. $1000 might be worth saving our reputation as the cat killing neighbors

Solution #3: send an apology to “cat lady victim #3”

But what do I send? Wine? Wine always helps everything…but what if shes a recovering alcoholic? That could make it worse…cookies? Shit I don’t have that kind of time. I could just buy them, but that looks insincere…”Here’s some cookies from ShopRite for your cat troubles”.

No, that won’t work…but you know what will? A “CAT-VICTIM-PACKAGE”! Perfect, a peace offering for the cat lady and her bald cat.

Lets see…i’ll get some cat-nip and treats…scoop up some extra dog hair from Joba to replace the lost hair from the scuffle…throw in a few kitty-self defensive classes and top it off with dog-repellant. That should really smooth this whole hair ball over.

angry-cat

I gathered all the necessary items and opened the blank card to scribe a personal note.

Dear…..Shit, I don’t know my neighbor’s names!

“We are so sorry about your cat, can’t tell you how awful we feel about this whole situation. We wanted to give your cat some treats as an apology from Levi (who definitely is not sorry)

We went ahead and purchased an invisible fence to ensure this will never happen again (for the safety of your cat, we will now punish our dogs with shock collars-Your Welcome).

We wish for a fast recovery and hope your cat can feel safe in her driveway (although she is an outside cat meaning anything could eat her, but at least it won’t be our dog) Please let us know if there is anything else we can do (unless of course the cat died over night).”

-Ryan and Ryan

Your caring, loving neighbors (please don’t hate us)

I dropped it off on the doorstep during the day so I could avoid any awkward conversation..I wouldn’t even know what to say

So here we are, good neighbors mending fences by putting up invisible barriers.

We will continue to wave our hellos and flash our pearly white smiles but it will never be the same as it was before the cat incident. They will always be the crazy cat neighbors to us and we will always be the crazy cat killers to them.

Yes, this is the bliss of home-ownership.

GoodFences1Daily Post Prompt…Four Stars: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

The Most Interesting 3 year old In The World

16 Mar

Daily Prompt:
You’ve been asked to do a five-minute presentation to a group of young schoolchildren on the topic of your choice
.

Hello children,
I would like to introduce you to the most interesting 3 year old in the world.

Here are some of her accomplishments.

20130316-082736.jpg

20130316-082753.jpg

20130316-082804.jpg

20130316-082856.jpg

20130316-082936.jpg

20130316-082955.jpg

20130316-083005.jpg

20130316-083031.jpg

20130316-083048.jpg

You should all strive to be like this kid. Now go on to do amazing things.

20130316-083441.jpg

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/03/16/daily-prompt-show-tell/

Chuck E Cheese…A Place Where You Can Beat Your Kid!

24 Feb
My mind is forever ruined

My mind is forever ruined

I brought my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese; once a childhood favorite past time, now a memory I wish to forget. I spent 45 minutes in Chuck E. Cheese and to be completely honest, I haven’t felt that many emotions all at once since the first time I tried Hard Liquor.

Casting Call!!!

Casting Call!!!

At first glance, I couldn’t tell if I was in a Chuck E Cheese or in a casting call for MTV’s show 16 and pregnant. There were so many pregger teens, that I began to think perhaps these girls had so much fun here as a child, they couldn’t wait to come back. Almost like a Chuck E. Cheese pregnancy pack. Maybe they came here to get used to all the annoying children screaming and crying. Or maybe they came to learn how to properly discipline their children. I have never seen so many instances of child abuse in one area. Parents were beating their kids left and right. A Smack here, a spank there. It was so bad I started to wonder if Chuck E. Cheese should consider a different tag line;

Chuck E. Cheese, A place where a kid can be a kid you can beat your kid

Moving through the crowds of people I noticed that Addison stuck out like a sore thumb. Here we have this little white girl with bright blue eyes, blonde hair and a matching outfit from the Gap (she also had a bright bow in her hair to top it off). I felt like I stuck a sign on her that read, “Your right, I’m not on welfare” and of course Addison had the attitude to go along with that invisible sign. If all these kids were older, Addison would have been asking for a beat down.

We made our way over to the games and I quickly realized I had entered the front lines of a war. Being the civil person that I am, I waited my turn for every game, however, rules do not apply in Chuck E. Cheese. Every single line rule was thrown out the window; it was a straight free-for all.

Now, there is only so much line cutting a person can take before they snap and I believe Boy Ryan was at that point when I spotted an open game…I decided to move quickly on it.

This Meant War

This Meant War

Mama Bird to Papa Bird, I’m seeing a vacancy at the “Fishing Boat” Game. Look at your 3 o clock… Over”

“Papa Bird copies that, let’s make our move… Over”

We scooped up Addison and B-lined, and  ran over to the game before anyone else saw the opportunity.  We put in the coin to start the game and this little boy- we will call him Little Jose -walked up and helped himself to the game. He just started hitting buttons and completely took over. Addison was immediately turned off by the intruder and I shrugged my shoulders in defeat. But, Boy Ryan hit his breaking point. He bent down to get on the level of Little Jose, who by the way couldn’t have been more than 5 years of age:

“Hey, its not your turn. Its her turn so you need to wait in line”

“Como se?”

“Como se, it’s NOT YOUR TURN”

“Te Llama?”

Boy Ryan rolls his eyes and scoots the boy to the side of the game so Addison can play.

“Look, Kid, Not your turn. Her Turn. Comprehende? Adios” He turns back to Addison and I.

Can you believe that? The nerve, I almost lost my shit”

After about ten minutes we realized that playing any game was a total suicide mission,  so we moved our way over to the tunnels and slides.

This used to be my favorite part of Chuck E. Cheese. I have never been a big game-er so I spent most of my time crawling in and out of those tunnels. I wanted more than anything for her to try them out. But you must know, my daughter lives in a bubble. Not because I am an overprotective parent, but because she is the most cautious child I have ever met. She thinks the fire alarm in our house is a danger to her.

“Addison, look how fun those tunnels look! You should try it!”

“Mom, I am too little for those tunnels, maybe next year. I really just want a balloon.”

I was so disappointed to hear that… I may or may not had promised a balloon in return for a trip through the tunnels. At the time I did not see this as bribing my kid, I saw it as parenting. They are more or less the same exact thing.

Addison looked at the tunnels above her, then at the balloons, then at me, “Ok, ill go”.

As she reached the last platform, a large child pushed past her almost knocking her down the stairs. My instinct kicked in and I walked over to exchange words with this little fatty.

How dare he push her, does he not understand that one tumble down those steps will make Addison’s bubble a cement case? She will never want to leave the house again.

Would you want to mess with Aunt Jemima?

Would you want to mess with Aunt Jemima?

But then I caught a glimpse of his mother. This lady looked like Aunt Jemima’s evil twin sister. Taking one look at this woman, I decided it was best to let Addison fend for herself, it was about time that kid held her own.

Addison finally made it to the last platform and entered into the tunnels. Boy Ryan and I tried to follow her shadow above us as she crawled through the tubes, but soon lost sight of her. I panicked and realized this was a very bad idea, worst than my idea of wearing penguin underwear to a back massage session.

It had been years since I went into those tunnels but I remembered the dangers, shit can hit the fan real fast. When you come to a fork in the tunnel and spot an older, much larger child barreling down in your direction, you better turn and crawl your little ass as fast as possible or you will be road kill.  All I could imagine was Addison learning that lesson the hard way. Great, I just sent my kid into hand-to-hand combat all because I promised a fucking Chuck E. Cheese Balloon…

Boy Ryan interrupted my thoughts, “Do you see her?”

“No, do you?!”

“No, Jesus Ryan why did you let her go in there? I would have never let her go. Do you not remember how crazy, shit can get in those things?”

“What, she wanted to go in there, she is growing up you know she can do stuff like this. She isn’t a baby”

Yes, the look of anxiety

Yes, the look of anxiety

As Boy Ryan and I frantically raced back and forth trying to find Addison, I overheard another mother say to her husband, “Aw look, they must be newbies.  Remember how frantic we were the first time Johnny went into those tunnels? Thank gosh he only came out with a black eye!”

I should have bribed her into watching that dancing rat on stage, Chuck E. Cheese himself. At least it was a safe place where I could explain that the big rat is the last person to worry about in this cluster fuck.

The only thing Addison had going for her was her vast experience with Dora The Explorer. She definitely knows enough conversational Spanish to make a friend in those tunnels.

Finally we spotted Addison being led by a little girl, not too much older than herself. I assumed Addison trusted the little girl because she resembled a chubby version of Dora the Explorer.  Addison popped up in one of the glass cubes and waved to us, pointing to her Dora friend. I breathed a sigh of relief… ok, she is still alive….

mail.google.com1 mail.google.com

As the little girl walked Addison back to us, we quickly put on her shoes and decided it was time to move on to our last resort, the rides.

So , once again we waited in our invisible line and watched as people cut us over and over. I finally started to lower my behavior to a barbaric level and push my way onto a horse ride, but these two children beat me to it and Addison missed her chance again. Frustrated, I sighed and was just about to yell when I see the two kids Baby Mama walk over with her additional 4 kids in tow.

So I say (in the nicest voice possible), “Um, Hi, excuse me we were waiting in line…”

“You what? You was waiting in line? I didn’t see nobody in line, they ain’t no lines in Chuckee-Cheese.”

Yes apparently there aren’t any lines, but we have been patiently waiting here for about 15 minutes now. My daughter really wants to ride the horse, don’t you sweetie?” I turned to Addison.

Of course Addison completely throws me under the bus. “No, I want to ride the butterfly, I don’t want the horse”. I quickly shift my eyes to Boy Ryan who is pretending to be on his phone.

Thanks Guys, just sacrifice me to the angry Baby Mama. I will remember this moment when I’m doing your laundry tomorrow.

Baby Mama yells louder, “I’m sorry, there something you want to say to me? Cuz im listening.”

220px-CarterIIII searched my brain for something quick to say and my eyes landed on the little baby, Baby Mama was holding. Like every small infant in Chuck E. Cheese, this baby had the sharpest Timberland Boots with a collared shirt and fuzzy black hair. How cute!

This place must be where Lil’ Wayne found the baby on the front of his Tha Carter III CD album. There are tons of them here.

“ Hey, lady, Im listening…”

Call it fear or call it being the bigger person, but I was not about to throw down with this lady over a fucking pony ride. I’m usually not above a lot, but I am above brawling in a Chuck E. Cheese.

“That’s Ok, we were just about to leave”

“Damn Right you was”

So we left, rather quickly.

With my ego in one hand and a balloon in the other, I am not too proud to say that Chuck E. Cheese kicked my ass.

Chuck E. Cheese- 1      That Girl Ryan-0

Leaving the building, I don’t know who was more scarred; Boy Ryan, Me or Addison. Chuck E. Cheese, you have completely let yourself go, Zero Fun.

O, and on a side note…I have made an executive decision that Chuck E. Cheese and Walmart are now on the same status level. There are now officially TWO places where the creatures from the depths of the earth gather and hang out. That place is a total hot bed of society mis-fits.

With that, I will not be returning to Chuck E. Cheese anytime soon.

Adios,  you dancing rat.

Shear Disappointment Chuck E. Cheese

Shear Disappointment Chuck E. Cheese

Insidethelifeofmoi

An eccentric blogger with a pen and a thousand ideas

Comics Grinder

comics, pop culture and related topics

Barb Taub

Writing & Coffee. Especially coffee.

The Nomidian Texts

Everything that Is, Was, and Will be Again.

jesus was a primate

a small insight into my life: wife-mom-football-fitness-politics-religion~upcycle

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

20somethings Blog

Stories of men and women in their twenties

don of all trades

Master of none...

A Goode One

Sometimes life defies description. But I'll try anyway.

Ben's Bitter Blog

"We make bitter better."

Sick and Sick of It

But Still Living The Life

Playing Your Hand Right

Showing America how to Live

King of States!

I'm Michelle. This is my blog. I write about women and fatness, expound upon semi-coherent thoughts I have in the middle of the night, and offer tough love to those in whom I am disappointed; they are legion.

The Goldwoman

Buffet-eater, bodysuit-enthusiast, bad-bitch.

A Buick in the Land of Lexus

fresh hell trumps stale heaven

The Bromance Diaries

The riveting inner-workings of two souls riddled with bromance.

Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy.

Some mistakes are too good not to share