Hello my TGR Readers! This is my 10th post on my blog, Yeah Me for sticking to something!
I was really stumped thinking of what I could write this week to mark my 10th blog posting. It really pissed me off. So after sitting for hours thinking and annoying myself….wala! Being annoyed actually inspired me to write about annoying things…WEIRD annoying things. So, I made a list of my top 5 Pet Peeves.
But before I dive into my list, I want to let you know that I am really interested in what annoys YOU!
At the end of this post, please post your strangest pet peeve and a little bit about why it drives you nuts.
Let’s see who has the strangest pet peeve out there…
My Top 5 Strangest Pet Peeves
1. Fake Huggers
Clearly a fake hug caught in a photo
My publicists and I have gotten into deep discussions about “Fake hugs”. I bet each one of you has a fake hugger in your life. These fake huggers give the weakest, most non-emotional hugs a human being could provide. A feather might actually give you a better hug.
Sometimes I get the hug and just think, “Why even hug me at all? Why don’t we just skip the hug and move on”.
Definition of a fake hug: usually come as a side hug (they reach across you with one arm and hold an itty-bitty squeeze for 3 seconds) or a failed bear hug (they put both arms around you and keep so much space in the middle that you awkwardly have to lean away and hug their shoulders).
Fake huggers, hug you as if you have some contagious disease and they don’t want to get infected. Its ok, because fake huggers are just fake people, never trust a fake hugger. You know how that saying goes, don’t judge a person by how they look? Well, you can definitely judge them by how they hug. One day, I believe there will be a study done on the correlation of bad hugging and bad people.
And just a note, if you have no idea what the hell i’m talking about, chances are you that you give fake hugs. I suggest learning how to give a proper hug quickly or sticking to classic cheek kissing.
2. Fat People in McDonald’s
There is nothing rewarding about this picture.
Ok, picture this…you have been religiously sticking to your diet and workout routine. You maybe have lost some weight and are feeling great. Now, if your anything like me, you know its time for THE ultimate reward (and I ain’t talking about a shopping spree). You know its time for a Big Mac/ Milkshake Combo at McDonald’s.
So you pull up in your car, butterflies are going off in your tummy as you open that door, and you even trade smiles with a stranger because you both know this is a moment when life is at it’s best. Nobody comes to Micky D’s unhappy.
You continue down that the walkway to the “Place your order” counter and look up as your take your place in line. And that is when you see it, you are standing in line behind THE 700lb man.
Whoomp Whoomp.
I know this is extremely shallow, but it ticks me off to see obese individuals in fast food places. Its like a reminder of why I shouldn’t be there and it’s no where near a satisfying experience.
To be honest, it’s about as satisfying as eating and shitting on the toilet at the same time.
3. Food Thieving
This next pet peeve is a bit extreme, but it makes the top five. I believe it has something to do with my childhood.
My parents were always against us kids eating junk food-Thank you mom and dad, my hips and ass appreciate it.
You see, when my parents would buy junk food it would only be on special occasions, usually, every 6-8 weeks, minimum. Between my siblings and parents, we would eat junk food like it was going out of style because you just never knew when the next binge of junk food would be coming. Carpe Diem.
This had a profound effect on dining situations that I have encountered as an adult.
EXAMPLE:
I am sitting in a restaurant and the waiter brings out the food that I had ordered. Lets just say I ordered Lasagna.
Bobby-a friend I am dining with- takes his fork, reaching across the table, and helps himself to a piece of my lasagna.
-End Example-
This might be normal to you, but to me…this is a total FOOD Party FOUL. It doesn’t matter how close of friends Bobby and I are, he just crossed a line.
When this situation occurs, an animal-is-tic rage comes over me and I have visions of taking my fork and poking Stabbing the hand of the food burglar.
First off, certain food items are considered luxuries in my belly (remember, I was a junk-food deprived child). These days the stomach and I-We’re gluten-free. Lasagna is a fucking treat.
Second off, if I wanted to give you a piece I would offer you a piece. There was no asking, no eye contact for approval, Shit, not even a nod that says, WOW, that looks great let me try some-nothing. Just a fork, on my plate, in my food.
When this situation occurs, I usually don’t say anything or make a fuss, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a total melt down over it one day. I think I would grab their mouth, pull the food out and say something like, “Back off Bitch, that’s my lasagna”.
4. Breathers
This has two sub-categories: Phone breathers and Food breathers.
A. Phone Breathers….UGH, I come across these people everyday in my profession. They breathe into the phone so much you can’t even understand what they are saying. The worst is when breathers leave me voicemails because you now have to listen to the message 4 times so that you can decode the words between each breathe.
VOICEMAIL:
HMMMMMM, Hello, my name is Cindy, HHMMMMMMM, I am calling to, HMMMMM, To ask if you could give me a call back as soon as you can. 973. Hmmmmmm. 77….hmmmmm….56, HMMMMMMM, Thank you, have a nice Day HHHHHHHHHMMMMM
My immediate thought to Cindy:
Cindy, just write me a fucking email.
B. Food breathers…These types of people breathe heavily while chewing their food. It’s like eating dinner next to a vacuum.
Unfortunately, My mother falls into this category. I sometimes get so annoyed by her breathing while she eats, that I have to play my Ipod or talk loudly at the dinner table to drown out the sound.
One time, when she was eating broccoli, she noticed that I was annoyed by her breathing. So to make a point, she asked :
“Ryan, would you rather:
Allow me to eat my broccoli and breathe…….. or Suffocate on the broccoli
I sat for a while thinking about this question….and I decided not to answer.
5. In-betweeners
The finish off my top 5 pet peeve list, I want to explain the “In-betweeners”.
Have you ever been walking through the store and catch a glimpse of a person that has an “in-between” gender? You actually have to ask yourself, “Is that person a boy or a girl?”.
It’s always a surprise
I have noticed that I usually encounter this pet peeve in Walmart and the person always falls under 1 of 2 categories…
1. The Girl Who Could Be a Boy
2. The All-Too-Obvious-Woman
The girl who could be a boy… The Question: is that person a chubby lesbian or a feminine looking man? It’s not like their outfits are dead give-a ways so your eyes always go to the obvious area of the body, The Boobs. But here is what gets tricky, Boobs can be real or they can be man boobs. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
Chaz, great example
The All-Too-Obvious-Woman….At first glance, your brain thinks, woman, but then you take a second look because you honestly haven’t seen a single woman your whole life who is as tall as Yow Ming the basketball player. Once you notice the height, you go again to the boobs and see that they are a little off center or a little too pointy to be real, but then again Madonna made that look work in the 80’s. So you continue to scan for more clue and that most likely brings you to the person’s nails… the nails are always super-long and painted a ridiculous zebra print.
And then you get to the shoes, always a dead give a way.
These all-too-obvious women always do this, no matter what the season or the temperature is outside, they always wear open-toed sandals that are way too small for their feet.
All Too Obvious
But even if you have the signs listed above, you never REALLY know the truth.
And that is why I get so annoyed; I can’t even focus on my shopping by this point.
Either way it’s a total loose/loose situation. Sometimes I leave the store in a deep internal conversation….
“That was a guy! Did you not see the hair on the hands?”
“No way, the boobs were too big to be a guy, it was definitely a girl. She was just a Rosie O’Donnel type of girl”
“Ha! Those were total man boobs. They were the result of too much Kentucky Fried Chicken. There wasn’t even a formation of a breast bud present under that shirt!”
And that my friends, concludes my top 5 list.
So now that you know mine, What Are Your Pet Peeves?
That Girl Ryan 