Search results for 'pet peeves'

I Named My Pet Peeve, It’s Called “Annoyance”

7 Feb

Pet Peeve

Hello my TGR Readers! This is my 10th post on my blog, Yeah Me for sticking to something!

I was really stumped thinking of what I could write this week to mark my 10th blog posting. It really pissed me off. So after sitting for hours thinking and annoying myself….wala! Being annoyed actually inspired me to write about annoying things…WEIRD annoying things. So, I made a list of my top 5 Pet Peeves.

But before I dive into my list, I want to let you know that I am really interested in what annoys YOU!

At the end of this post, please post your strangest pet peeve and a little bit about why it drives you nuts.

Let’s see who has the strangest pet peeve out there…

My Top 5 Strangest Pet Peeves

1. Fake Huggers

Clearly a fake hug caught in a photo

Clearly a fake hug caught in a photo

 

My publicists and I have gotten into deep discussions about “Fake hugs”. I bet each one of you has a fake hugger in your life. These fake huggers give the weakest, most non-emotional hugs a human being could provide. A feather might actually give you a better hug.

Sometimes I get the hug and just think, “Why even hug me at all? Why don’t we just skip the hug and move on”.

Definition of a fake hug: usually come as a side hug (they reach across you with one arm and hold an itty-bitty squeeze for 3 seconds) or a failed bear hug (they put both arms around you and keep so much space in the middle that you awkwardly have to lean away and hug their shoulders).

Fake huggers, hug you as if you have some contagious disease and they don’t want to get infected. Its ok, because fake huggers are just fake people, never trust a fake hugger. You know how that saying goes, don’t judge a person by how they look? Well, you can definitely judge them by how they hug. One day, I believe there will be a study done on the correlation of bad hugging and bad people.

And just a note, if you have no idea what the hell i’m talking about, chances are you that you give fake hugs. I suggest  learning how to give a proper hug quickly or sticking to classic cheek kissing.

2. Fat People in McDonald’s

There is nothing rewarding about this picture.

There is nothing rewarding about this picture.

Ok, picture this…you have been religiously sticking to your diet and workout routine. You maybe have lost some weight and are feeling great. Now, if your anything like me, you know its time for THE ultimate reward (and I ain’t talking about a shopping spree). You know its time for a Big Mac/ Milkshake Combo at McDonald’s.

So you pull up in your car, butterflies are going off in your tummy as you open that door, and you even trade smiles with a stranger because you both know this is a moment when life is at it’s best. Nobody comes to Micky D’s unhappy.

You continue down that the walkway to the “Place your order” counter and look up as your take your place in line. And that is when you see it, you are standing in line behind THE 700lb man.

Whoomp Whoomp.

I know this is extremely shallow, but it ticks me off to see obese individuals in fast food places. Its like a reminder of why I shouldn’t be there and it’s no where near a satisfying experience.

To be honest, it’s about as satisfying as eating and shitting on the toilet at the same time.

3. Food Thieving

This next pet peeve is a bit extreme, but it makes the top five.  I believe it has something to do with my childhood.

My parents were always against us kids eating junk food-Thank you mom and dad, my hips and ass appreciate it.

You see, when my parents would buy junk food it would only be on special occasions, usually, every 6-8 weeks, minimum. Between my siblings and parents, we would eat junk food like it was going out of style because you just never knew when the  next binge of junk food would be coming. Carpe Diem.

This had a profound effect on dining situations that I have encountered as an adult.

EXAMPLE:

I am sitting in a restaurant and the waiter brings out the food that I had ordered. Lets just say I ordered Lasagna.

Bobby-a friend I am dining with- takes his fork, reaching across the table, and helps himself to a piece of my lasagna.

-End Example-

This might be normal to you, but to me…this is a total FOOD Party FOUL. It doesn’t matter how close of friends Bobby and I are, he just crossed a line.

When this situation occurs, an animal-is-tic rage comes over me and I have visions of taking my fork and poking Stabbing the hand of the food burglar.

First off, certain food items are considered luxuries in my belly (remember, I was a junk-food deprived child). These days the stomach and I-We’re gluten-free. Lasagna is a fucking treat.

Second off, if I wanted to give you a piece I would offer you a piece. There was no asking, no eye contact for approval, Shit, not even a nod that says, WOW, that looks great let me try some-nothing. Just a fork, on my plate, in my food.

When this situation occurs, I usually don’t say anything or make a fuss, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I  had a total melt down over it one day. I think I would grab their mouth, pull the food out  and say something like, “Back off Bitch, that’s my lasagna”.

4. Breathers

This has two sub-categories: Phone breathers and Food breathers.

A.    Phone Breathers….UGH, I come across these people everyday in my profession. They breathe into the phone so much you can’t even understand what they are saying. The worst is when breathers leave me voicemails because you now have to listen to the message 4 times so that you can decode the words between each breathe.

VOICEMAIL:

HMMMMMM, Hello, my name is Cindy, HHMMMMMMM, I am calling to, HMMMMM, To ask if you could give me a call back as soon as you can. 973. Hmmmmmm. 77….hmmmmm….56, HMMMMMMM, Thank you, have a nice Day HHHHHHHHHMMMMM

My immediate thought to Cindy:

Cindy, just write me a fucking email.

B.    Food breathers…These types of people breathe heavily while chewing their food. It’s like eating dinner next to a vacuum.

Unfortunately, My mother falls into this category.  I sometimes get so annoyed by her breathing while she eats, that I have to play my Ipod or talk loudly at the dinner table to drown out the sound.

One time, when she was eating broccoli, she noticed that I was annoyed by her breathing. So to make a point, she asked :

“Ryan, would you rather:

Allow me to eat my broccoli and breathe…….. or Suffocate on the broccoli

I sat for a while thinking about this question….and I decided not to answer.

5. In-betweeners

The finish off my top 5 pet peeve list, I want to explain the “In-betweeners”.

Have you ever been walking through the store and catch a glimpse of a person that has an “in-between” gender? You actually have to ask yourself,  “Is that person a boy or a girl?”.

It's always a surprise

It’s always a surprise

I have noticed that I usually encounter this pet peeve in Walmart and the person always falls under 1 of 2 categories…

1. The Girl Who Could Be a Boy

2. The All-Too-Obvious-Woman

The girl who could be a boy… The Question: is that person a chubby lesbian or a feminine looking man? It’s not like their outfits are dead give-a ways so your eyes always go to the obvious area of the body, The Boobs. But here is what gets tricky, Boobs can be real or they can be man boobs. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

chaz-bono-profile

Chaz, great example

The All-Too-Obvious-Woman….At first glance, your brain thinks, woman, but then you take a second look because  you honestly haven’t seen a single woman your whole life who is as tall as Yow Ming the basketball player. Once you notice the height, you go again to the boobs and see that they are a little off center or a little too pointy to be real, but then again Madonna made that look work in the 80’s.  So you continue to scan for more clue and that most likely brings you to the person’s nails… the nails are always super-long and painted a ridiculous zebra print.

And then you get to the shoes, always a dead give a way.

These all-too-obvious women always do this, no matter what the season or the temperature is outside, they always wear open-toed sandals that are way too small for their feet.

All Too Obvious

All Too Obvious

But even if you have the signs listed above, you never REALLY know the truth.
And that is why I get so annoyed; I can’t even focus on my shopping by this point.

Either way it’s a total loose/loose situation. Sometimes I leave the store in a deep internal conversation….

“That was a guy! Did you not see the hair on the hands?”

“No way, the boobs were too big to be a guy, it was definitely a girl. She was just a Rosie O’Donnel type of girl”

“Ha! Those were total man boobs. They were the result of too much Kentucky Fried Chicken. There wasn’t even a formation of a breast bud present under that shirt!”

And that my friends, concludes my top 5 list.

So now that you know mine, What Are Your Pet Peeves?

 

Awkward Seasons Greetings

13 Dec

Finish The Sentence Friday…This Christmas Season, I will nail the Holiday Greeting.

One thing you must know about me is that I have a large family; 7 kids on my dad’s side and 5 on my mom’s. Throw in 2-5 (sometimes more) “Love children” and you get a whole lot of cousins and a whole lot of family parties. My family is so big, that I don’t really know how many cousins I truly have. My family just knows how to mass produce humans.

We're related.

We’re related.

So as Christmas draws near, so do the parties, gatherings and of course, the awkward greetings.

Truth is, saying hello to anyone whether it’s a stranger, friend or family can be awkward. When I lived down south people weren’t so touchy feely when they said “hello”. They shake hands, maybe even do a side-shoulder bump, but they keep it very simple..in fact, so simple, there isn’t room for awkwardness.

But, when I moved up north, EVERYONE kisses and believe it or not, not everyone from NJ/NY is Italian. But on a side note, I do try and limit the amount of Italian friends I have because of this reason. (Kidding – non Italians kiss too.)

O Shit, Not the Italians!

O Shit, Not the Italians!

Everyone has a certain style of saying hi; some people handshake (way more my speed) and some people hug and then some people kiss. And if you don’t know the person that well, you have no idea what kind of greeting they prefer because everyone prefers a certain type of greeting.

Now, you are sitting there like, what the hell is this girl talking about, this shit doesn’t exist, but you are wrong! This shit DOES exist and in many forms:

Types of Greeters:

The Side Hugger: This person gives half-assed hugs that end up being more of like a side-shoulder hug. If you go in for the full hug and they only go halfway, you have got yourself a side-hugger. I think you all know how I feel about this type of hug.

awkward-side-hug

The “Patting” hugger: This person embraces you full force like a lion, which is comforting if it’s your parent, child or spouse, but sometimes it’s your creepy uncle. Anyways, they hug you hard and pat your back more than 3 times, which is too long. You pull away like a normal person, but they are still patting and you respond by going back into the lion-hug embrace. Now, you have been hugging for more than 10 seconds and this has officially turned into an awkward, creepy hug.

original

The cheek kisser: This person presses their cheek against yours and makes a kissing sound as if your cheeks grew lips over-night. I’m sorry, when did our cheeks grow lips? Sometimes cheeks are greasy and leave residue on your face and that residue clogs your pores and gives you pimples. Cheeks weren’t meant to kiss.

OB-BF022_kiss_p_20080326173943

You know Bushy hated this

The Handshake-Side Hugger: This is usually a man thing. Two men grab hands and pull each-other in for a side hug with the opposite arm. It’s cute and it’s how Gangsters say hello, but when one person leans in the wrong way, this handshake-hug can lead into a semi-square dancing show-down.

EUdlN

Of course the White guy messes this up

The Kiss-Hug combo-er: This person goes for the kiss, then the hug. They are aggressive, which is great for you because you can follow their lead, thus leaving little room for mistakes. However, if you go for the Hug-kiss combo (the opposite order), you end up kissing them on the lips or it rolls into a full-fledged head dance.

29bdac78ca24a7058dddf882ea09995c

The Head Dance: happens with kissers, specifically the kiss-hug combo-ers or cheek kissers.

Scene: Your great aunt Maggie and you both walk over to say hello. You go to the left, she goes to the right and now you both are on a crash collision to the lips. You quickly pull back, given that you are faster than she is, but she surprises you by quickly switching sides as well. Now you are back at square one.

Until one individual claims a side, this situation can begin to look like this bird on crack.

tumblr_mhk1kl9M5G1r5c792o1_250

Height: You knew this was coming…One greeter is too tall, the other is too small…hugs can be awkward. I recommend skipping any type of cheek kissing in this situation because the small person is always going to under-shoot the target and end up kissing your shoulder or boob.

worlds_tallest_man_bao_xishun_1b

Height with Tall people: As a tall individual, I have grown accustom to being the “Above the fold” hugger. The “Above the fold” hugger puts their arms up high for a hug, while a “Below the fold” hugger takes the bottom portion of the hug. This usually works out fine in a tall-short situation, but never works in a tall-tall situation.

When two tall people both go “Above the fold” they end up with an awkward “high-five” and no hug.

tiger-woods-high-five

The Handshake Diss: I call this move a handshake diss because it makes you feel stupid as shit.

Typically, this happens with someone you just met, someone you think you already met or a co-worker. Let’s take the co-worker for example. You have worked with someone for a while and now, they are leaving the company. On their last day of work, it comes time to say goodbye. You are legitimately upset because you really enjoyed this person. Maybe they made you laugh or bought you lunch or whatever…the point is you are now upset. As you say goodbye, you go in for the hug and mid-way through, the other person sticks out their hand for a “professional” handshake. Now all of your body mass has been displaced toward that individual and it is too late to pull back.  You have been caught and can’t even pretend you were going to tie your shoe or act like you had to sneeze. So you try and redeem yourself by quickly sticking out your hand for the shake.

Awkward for two reasons, #1, you now know that this person doesn’t have the same feelings for you and #2, other people nearby now think you have random body spasms.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-15379-1367520646-3

With all this in mind, your holiday parties just got really complicated and saying hello is only the start. After the hello’s, you have to worry about things like how stupid you look when you eat, all the wrong things you say at the dinner table and making small talk with people you don’t give two shits about.

My advice, start the party off right by being the better “Greeter”. If you end up getting too drunk or spill food all over your outfit… hey, at least you give a killer hello.

Have a fabulous party season and remember, your cheeks do not have lips.

Pink-Glitter-Lips-Kawaii-Make-Up-Inspiration


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