That Time Cheesy Bread Turned Me Into A Lesbian

31 Jan

A funny thing happened on the way home from a track meet…

I think I have mentioned before that me at 18 was nothing short of a total douchebag, I apologize to my parents everyday for it. Before I tell this story, I will apologize again, I’m really sorry for being a douchebag.

It was winter track season of my senior year in high school and I was on my way home from a track meet. About 30 minutes into my drive, I hit a stretch of traffic that left me in a slow crawl for 15 miles. Hitting random stretches of traffic in New Jersey is not unusual.

FACT: New Jersians spend half of their life sitting in traffic.

Driving, doing my thing

Luckily, my teammate was carpooling home with me and helped to pass the time with Rent duets and celebrity impressions. To set the scene a little further, it was pouring rain and we had both finished a taxing track race; the 400 meter hurdles. If you are familiar with track, the 400 meter hurdle race is harder than childbirth, you might as well jump off a building when you find out you have to run it.  Anyways, as we passed the time…we came to notice an admirer driving a Honda Accord next to us.

He was probably about 23 or so and had big blue eyes with curly blonde hair styled like Matthew McConaughey’s. My teammate and I were instantly captured by his smiles. The flirting was subtle at first, his car would pull up next to us, he would flash a smile and take off again. We would inch up to his car, blow a kiss and giggle as we pulled away. After about 20 minutes or so of this traffic flirting, things started to get more complicated. We began writing notes and putting them up against the window for him to read like, “UR HOTT” or “HONDA’S GOT BACK”. One even read, “HONK IF UR INTO US!”. Childish yes, but so much fun up until my stomach started growling. As I was getting closer to a Red Lobster restaurant, my hunger could no longer be avoided.

“Damn, i’m starving.” I said to my teammate.

“Me Too! We should stop for food at Red Lobster, get some cheesy bread”.

“You just read my mind but I’m broke, I spent my last $10 on hair spray last night. I wanted to go all out for 80’s day at school tomorrow.”

“Ugh I’m broke too, I have about $5 left in my bank account.”

Then an idea hit me…I wasn’t sure if it would work but I was willing to try. After all, Red Lobster cheesy bread was at stake here.

“How bad do you want cheesy bread right now?” I asked.

“I might sell my leg for just a bite.”

I rolled down my window as we caught up again to Mr. Honda and motioned for him to do the same. “Hey there cutie! We were going to grab something to eat at Red Lobster, want to join?” I yelled across the lanes.

“Uhh, ok? Yea Sure, meet me in the parking lot.” He yelled back.

Sweet, Mission Cheesy Bread was in motion.

When it comes to cheesy bread...no stopping me

When it comes to cheesy bread…no stopping me

We figured out early in life that men will do whatever necessary to get laid, even if it means buying dinner for complete strangers. A free meal at Red Lobster was going to happen.

First things first, we needed fake names and cover stories because after all, this guy was a complete stranger. She would be Carmen, the 23 year old zoologist. I would be Carrie, the 24 year old Park Ranger. We tided up the details of our stories and prepared to exit the car with our new identities.

When Mr. Honda stepped out of the car, I immediately regretted my decision to go through with the plan. He was 5’2, almost the size of a large hobbit. I also noticed his left shoe was higher than the right shoe and he parked in a handicap spot. “Why hello beautiful ladies, what an honor it is to eat with you BOTH.” He said with a slight lisp as he limped toward the entrance to the restaurant. I put my head into my hands as he opened the door for us. I will definitely be going to hell for this one, I just wasn’t above using a handicapped man with a lisp for free cheesy bread.

As we sat down, the cheesy bread was delivered to our table, my teammate and I scarfed down all 6 rolls. Mr. Honda Hobbit was too busy talking to notice. We found out his name was Howard and he was born with one leg shorter than the other. It never stopped him though. He went on to describe how he played basketball on the weekends with his wheelchair buddies. He also worked in construction building houses for charity. He did mention however, that currently he was suspended from his job due to a pending criminal investigation, which included some sort of assault with a nail gun.  He was asked to quit work until it resolved. Cool, Howard the Honda Hobbit was a dangerous handicap criminal and here I was sharing a meal with him.

Howard really wasn’t so bad, minus the assault thing but when his instinctual male-mind kicked in toward the end of our dinner, things got weird, “So what are you ladies up to tonight? I was thinking we could move this party to my place.”

Trying to be as nice as I could, I made up an easy-out excuse, “Well, Carmen has to get home to see her parents, its been a while and she misses them.”

Howard then replied, “That’s a shame, well if Carmen can’t make it, then how about you and I go back, Carrie? I’ll take you home, wrap you up real nice and make you squeal like a piggy!“.

When you say those words, I see this man.

When you say those words, I see this man.

I almost vomited in my mouth. Not only did Howard just quote Deliverance with a lisp but he was pushing hard to make sure this dinner was worth his money. This was check-mate. How would I get out of this? If I told him to get lost, we would be stuck paying for the bill with our non-existent money and if I went home with him…well, that was never an option. I wasn’t going anywhere with some criminal, half-midget in a Honda named Howard.

Acting quickly, my teammate grabbed my hand and held it to her lips, “Actually Howard, we are a couple. Carrie is coming home with me to meet my parents and we are worried about how they will react to this whole thing so we just wanted some company to keep our mind off of it.” She squeezed my hand to get me to play along.

Yea, we are most definitely a couple. We aren’t into guys, strictly girls. We are totally on the straight and narrow…erh in a gay kind of way.”  I answered.

Thank god Howard the Honda Hobbit had a heart, he smiled with sincerity and said, “My pleasure ladies, sorry for the mix-up. However, I’d love to hear how you two met. I’ll throw in dinner with dessert if you can stay a little longer.

So there we were sitting with Howard over dessert explaining the intimate moments of how we met and became to be a lesbian couple. Carmen shared her coming out of the closet story and I, as Carrie, shared mine. Howard was intrigued by our experiences and even got a little choked up at one point as we described our future dream wedding together; we had both decided to wear wedding dresses. Mine would be pink.

After dessert was finished, Howard paid the bill and walked us out to our car, hugging us goodbye. He thanked us for the company and wished us well. We got into my car and sat for a moment to adjust to the entire situation.

Did we really just do all that for cheesy bread?” My teammate asked me.

Yea, Cheesy bread just turned us into lesbians.

I started up my car, turned on the Rent soundtrack and continued my drive home in silence.

driving-gif

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

35 Responses to “That Time Cheesy Bread Turned Me Into A Lesbian”

  1. Kerri @ Undiagnosed but okay January 31, 2014 at 2:37 pm #

    OMG that is freaking hysterical. I have been stuck on the NJ turnpike and think I would turn into a lesbian just to get out of the freaking car!!!

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 4:57 pm #

      It’s amazing what we would turn lesbian for. I think this should be a new topic, I would turn lesbian for…

  2. StephaJane January 31, 2014 at 3:01 pm #

    Wow. Hilarious.

  3. Kenya G. Johnson January 31, 2014 at 3:50 pm #

    Excellent story girl – I loved it! The title – PERFECT!

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 3:59 pm #

      Thank you! I figured the title would get some chatter :)

  4. A.J. Goode January 31, 2014 at 4:35 pm #

    I knew their cheesy bread was good, but I had no idea it was THAT good. Great story!

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

      I have since given up gluten so I have not had that cheesy bread in a very long time. Yet if given the chance, I’d do it again for the cheesy bread. Somethings are just too good.

      Thanks for reading!

  5. donofalltrades January 31, 2014 at 5:59 pm #

    I was on such a high and then I read your “I have since given up gluten” comment and now I’m deflated again. What a lame-O! Lol. This is maybe my favorite Thatgirlryan post yet! Very funny and your friend deserves props for thinking so fast on her feet like that. While those cheddar biscuits are really good, I’d have totally made you prove it to me for Red Lobster prices. Of course, I’m no Howard the Hobbit in a Honda…Hahahaha!

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 6:13 pm #

      Yes she is good like that. Good thing isn’t wasn’t you don, we would have been forced to repay you…I don’t want to think what we would have done for that.

  6. canigetanotherbottleofwhine January 31, 2014 at 6:12 pm #

    Hahaha! You’re like the female version of Don of All Trades. That’s totally a compliment. He makes me laugh.

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 6:14 pm #

      Yes, I realized that when I first found his blog. I believe I told him, “I’m a younger prettier version of you”. He has yet to agree with this assessment.

    • donofalltrades January 31, 2014 at 6:48 pm #

      Hey! A compliment to HER maybe! For shame, Kate! Us “mature” bloggers have to stick together! Her young butt is no donofalltrades! Lol, but she is pretty funny.

      • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 6:56 pm #

        Don is actually honored to have heard that, he needed to hear that. He spends his nights alone, wishing he was just as pretty and young as I am.

      • donofalltrades January 31, 2014 at 7:00 pm #

        Haha, I’m not dreaming that I look like you, dear. It’s much more vulgar than that. Hahahaha, I went there! Wait, what?

      • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 7:01 pm #

        Don, you always go there..I’m kicking you out of the sandbox now, you’re done. God help me if I ever grow up to be a dirty old man.

      • canigetanotherbottleofwhine February 1, 2014 at 10:27 pm #

        According to his recent post, he hasn’t grown up…dribbling milk down your chin into your Lucky Charms as you watch Scooby Doo.

  7. findingninee January 31, 2014 at 6:48 pm #

    Girl Ryan. This is AWESOME. My friend Julie and I told a guy at a bar who had bought us both dozens of drinks throughout the night hoping that one of us would get drunk enough to take his ugly (and creepily feminine) ass home for the night that we were gay and sorry for the misunderstanding. He asked if he could come play with both of us and I told him that she had a deep-seated fear of penises. He then felt sorry for us and bought us one more drink for the road.

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 6:55 pm #

      See?! We are the smart females. When you find yourself in a sticky situation, turn gay…that’s what I always say.

    • donofalltrades January 31, 2014 at 7:03 pm #

      I was the king of buying pretty women drinks and then getting too drunk myself to care about sex while they left with some other dude. LOL.

  8. Shaahid EssWhyDee January 31, 2014 at 6:51 pm #

    Loooooooooooooool! This actually happened?! You guys rock

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 6:58 pm #

      Why does everyone think I am not capable of doing such evil things? I’m actually surprised I come off so innocent. This is not even my worse story. I was only testing the waters to see how honest I can get.

      • Shaahid EssWhyDee January 31, 2014 at 7:00 pm #

        Ahahah, us regular readers eagerly anticipate more of these! This can be converted into sitcom, haha. Awesome!

      • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 7:02 pm #

        lol wouldn’t that be something? I’d spill all my dirt for money.

      • Shaahid EssWhyDee January 31, 2014 at 7:03 pm #

        It would indeed. Ahah!

  9. Janine Huldie January 31, 2014 at 9:13 pm #

    Cheesy bread definitely is worth it (at least to me) and love that you did this to get you some! Seriously needed this laugh this afternoon after having a long, crazy week and thank you for that!! :)

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 9:48 pm #

      You are very welcome, I love hearing that.

      PS: Cheesy bread is worth a lot of things. ;)

  10. Stephanie Sprenger January 31, 2014 at 10:37 pm #

    OK, when I read the title, I would never have seen that story coming! You are gifted at storytelling, my friend. That was hilarious! Guess that makes me miss my “traffic flirting” days a little bit less. Ick. And hell yes to Red Lobster’s cheesy bread! I want some right now!

    • rynolexson January 31, 2014 at 11:10 pm #

      Lol thanks. I have a hard time accepting that I did that for cheesy bread. I guess it’s that good.
      Yea traffic flirting was my M.O until that day, after that I learned my lesson.

  11. bensbitterblog February 3, 2014 at 7:10 pm #

    They might want to hear that story and change the name of their bread to lesbian bread.

    • rynolexson February 3, 2014 at 7:12 pm #

      Agreed. I should submit it. Your cheesy bread was soooo good, it made ME a lesbian.

      • bensbitterblog February 4, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

        I had cheesy bread? I think you were talking about my cheesy post.

  12. Lolly February 5, 2014 at 3:31 pm #

    Absolutely hysterical! I laughed so hard at “Howard the Honda Hobbit”. Poor little fella LOL I dunno why I’m laughing, he’s taller than me. Many times I’ve turned into a lesbian to ward of creeps hitting on my girlfriends at the bar. They are grateful LOL

    • rynolexson February 5, 2014 at 4:44 pm #

      The lesbian card works about 90% of the time. It’s a classic fallback when warding off the creepers. LOL thanks for reading.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Interpretive Car Dancing | That Girl Ryan - February 21, 2014

    […] It is a form of dancing a person does with only their upper body while driving a motor vehicle. It sounds dangerous and it is but that is why it’s an important talent. Only the best talents are dangerous. If you are a white girl like me and can’t bust a move on a regular dance floor you might just have a shot at becoming a professional interpretative car dancer. You won’t make any money or dance on a pole but you will definitely make a few friends on the highway: SEE Lesbian Cheesy Bread. […]

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